I need a cigarette

I hold on to your smoke and
strive to imprison it in my palms.
I breathe it in deeply;
to confine it in my chest—
only to choke on


Your nicotine.

You see, you are that abstract cloud
of stale breath and white fumes,
diffusing into the deepest
hollows of my lungs, and
pushing against my

Asthmatic heart.

And I know that you are a vice
that I simply must quit.
But I have nicotine stains on my
fingertips so all they ever
reach for now

Is you.

First Impressions

I quite like this piece, the metaphor is great because the reader can input anything that happens to be their vice. You've taken that idea of a cigarette and created an image that can be transformed into *anything* that the reader wants it to be. Granted the image is clearly a cigarette, but the idea is something so much more, on that point very well done.

On Grammar
The first stanza here is great, you have the proper breaks and pauses, and I can feel the almost choppiness that actually accentuates the idea of the smoking quite well.

However the following stanzas are not as well punctuated, in fact the one thing that is bothering me here is the lack of punctuation, it creates a very long feeling that doesn't necessarily work in this instance. I think if you took the time to really think about punctuation, and implement it when needed.

Overall

I am very impressed by this, and I really enjoyed reading it. I would work on the punctuation in the second and third stanzas to really make it wonderful.

I would also like to mention that I love your final few lines, however the I think that perhaps it would work best as

"But I have nicotine stains on my
Finger times, so all that they
Reach for now

Is you."

The only thing that is really changed is how the last few lines flow. When reading it aloud I found it easy to trip over the words "and" and "ever".

Just an idea though

Hope this helps,

OverEasy

hmm this is very interesting and very original i must say. i've never read a poem about a cigarette or wanting one. Anyhu to the poem. very smooth with language and the stanza style. one thing i believe its that you have asthmatic lungs not heart. And i understand you might not want to repeat the word lungs. But otherwise its a little untrue. but thats the only thing i found. style wise its pretty good.

Knightley!!

Wow, haven't talked to you in awhile!! Hope life's going great for ya. *hugs* Greetings aside, your poem--I loved the metaphorical imagery you used. I got that "brainflash" feeling of loving the imagery and connecting to it (not that I smoke--I just understand what you mean by the desire and stuff ).

Nitpicks: You need a period after "palms," and I think the poem would be more effective if you used lowercase letters for some of the lines (all of the lines?). It would read more as a stream of consciousness thought, which is the vibe I got from your language usage, instead of having the jarring impact of capital letters at the beginning of each line.

That diffuses into the very deepest

Okay. For some reason, this line just bugs me, and it bugs me even more that I can't pinpoint it. I'm 99% sure it's the wordiness; cut it down to (maybe) "diffusing into the deepest" instead. Your choice, of course.

I agree with Tiffany on the line placements on the last two stanzas. They were a bit erratic.

Love the emphasis on "must" in your last stanza. For some reason it gave me chills.

Great job, girlie! Tweak it a bit, and I'd love to see the new version! PM me with any questions!

This is well done because it makes me want a cigarette too. But maybe not one as personal as this. I'd hate to get attached to something and give it a name and a portion of my soul before killing it by lighting it on fire and consuming it.

I agree with the sentiment I believe is expressed here that people in relationships can be like bad addictions. The only difference is the addictions kill you slowly.

I'm Rena and hi!
First off, I read a few lines and immediately thought, 'why is this poem about cigarettes?' But no, it's a love poem, right? Or is it really about needing a smoke break? haha. I really liked it and it was very original. Good job and good work. Keep it up!