Rosie

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"Rosie. Rose." He stared across the table, his hazel eyes pleading. He tilted his head to the side, trying to catch her eye.
"Look at me. Look at me, Rosie. Please." His voice cracked. He reached out a gentle, calloused palm, cupping the woman's face. Her bright blue gaze flicked to his face. The man leaned forward in his seat suddenly, inhaling sharply.
"Rosie...Rose, it's me. It's me, Rosie." A tear fell from his eye and rolled down his cheek as his hand flew across the heavy oaken table to her's. Her mouth dropped open in a toothless gape and she turned away, drawing her hands against her chest. She whimpered, her body shaking.
The man sat back in his chair with a dull thud, lowering his eyes to stare blankly at the table. His lip quivered.
A tall, freckly orderly stepped out from the corner where he'd been lurking. He crossed the room, placing a hand on the man's forearm.
"Sir..." the orderly trailed off, looking pointedly at the door. The man jerked his arm out of the orderly's grasp, walking back to the table. He placed his finger under her chin, lifting her face to his.
She let out a sharp yelp, flailing her arms wildly about her head. The man stumbled backwards as her fingernails caught his face. He cursed, touching the angry puckered welts gingerly. The orderly stepped forward once again, gently tugging the man backwards.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Richardson. She doesn't recognize you. Now please, you're upsetting her." he said firmly, closing his hand on the man's wrist.
He stood, rooted to the spot, still staring at the woman. Her once-lustrous auburn hair was now flyaway and streaked through with grey, and her face...
Her face was perfect, beautiful. They were young, and the world was at their feet. They were immortal. They stood, staring into the fading sunlight, fingers intertwined. He turned, stroking her face, caressing her lips with the edge of his thumb. Their eyes met--his hazel and her vivid, riveting blue.
The woman looked up. Her face was old and lined with wrinkles, and her skin was dotted over with age spots. Her eyes were the only thing that remained unchanged--wide, blue, and staring straight into his. He stared back.
For a fleeting moment, they connected, and his heart fluttered in his chest. He knew she knew him, he could see it. Her face broke into a joyful smile, her eyes were sparkling--and it faded. Her eyes dulled and her smile had become nothing more than a confused grimace. His heart dropped like a stone and sank into his stomach. His eyes streamed.
"No, Rose, no!" he cried. The orderly grabbed his shoulders, pushing him roughly towards the door. The man struggled, trying to turn towards his wife, to see her to call out her name, but the orderly's strength was uncompromising. The orderly kicked open the door and, grabbing the man around the middle, forced him out of the room, panting a final "I'm sorry." It was finally silent, the room empty except for the woman.
She sat quietly, looking around the room, mouth hanging open. She examined her surroundings, the yellowing wallpaper and cracked ceiling tiles, almost as a normal person would. Her gaze stopped at the windowsill. On it was perched a tiny glass vase, which held a single withered rose.
Last edited by JK on Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The doorway has been opened.
Stab.




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That was beautiful. I nearly cried. I was really, really close to bawling but... I got distracted and then the moment was over.
Sorry.
That was truly magnificant; and really, really moving. I don't know what else to say. It was perfect.
Well, ok. Some other words for hazel and bright, vivid blue. Maybe forget-me-not eyes?
And I was wondering... Is this alzheimer's? Because my grandpa is suffering from that; and I hope to god it never gets that bad; but you probably know; it's not a curable disease. He has no where to go but down...
You story was magnificent.
I'm going to stop gushing over your story now; but you can PM me with anything you write-- ever, and I'll read it happily.
Meagan
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
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Yeah, it's tough to find synonyms for colors when there's only one perfect one and all the rest are crap.
But thank you, that was very nice.
And it's whatever you want it to be.
The doorway has been opened.
Stab.




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JK, this was so sad. The emotions were amazingly well written and thought out. The only thing I saw wrong with it was: He stood, rooted to the pot (spot), still staring at the woman.
But other than that little typo this was great.
~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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Hi, JK. I read your piece and was genuinely surpised to discover no real nitpicks. There is this:

Her face broke into a joyful smile, her eyes were sparkling--and it faded.
I would do an ellipsis here instead of a dash for a more dramatic effect.

Pathetic, huh? The only thing I can suggest that needs work at this moment is your sentnce structure. It's a bit abrupt and jerky; try to connect some sentences and expand on some thoughts.

Oh, and I just remembered something. I didn't like the part where the orderly kind of forced the man out the door. I don't think the staff would resort to force so soon. The man wasn't harming his wife, and she wasn't upset enough, I think. Perhaps after they repeated a few times that he needed to go and he didn't listen - tried to reach his wife again - then they did the force.

That's really all I can think of. I love the emotion in this story. Keep writing, JK, and feel free to PM me when you post more work!

Gold star!

KJ



“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables