Wires

This is the first time I've ever posted my work on this website... so be nice please!

This is a piece I wrote for a piece of English coursework, It's kind of based on my life..
Any feedback greatly appreciated! x

Inspiration from the song 'Wires'


Scared of the facts


I'm running now. Running to the entrance, I have to find them. I have to see my mum and to see him, the baby.

Born fourteen weeks premature, my poor brother already off to the roughest start in life imaginable. It's like in a dream, the bad dreams I used to have, where your legs just won't work fast enough, and you can't get away from the black shadow starting to tear away at your life.

The tears stream down my face as I enter my mum's plain, stark white room; very uniform, very ... unwelcoming.

My mum's face creases into a smile and my voice shakes as I stutter out a meagre, 'Are you okay?' Isn't it funny how hard we find it to comfort someone in impossible circumstances? How it seems we can only act as if it has not happened? It would be an emotional crime now, to ask where Louis was, just as we find it so hard to talk normally about a person when they have died, or even on a lesser scale, how people are too embarrassed, caught up in the social etiquette to mention when someone has huge make-up smudges under their eyes.

But as I sit there with my family, I'm just wishing we could all do more, but I guess we are all in fate's hands now, to do as he wishes. I wish I could stop the anxiety, the desperation in this hateful room. We need to stop living in the present and start dreaming for the future- which I now promise will be alright.

I scan the room: a bed; a white, clean sink; a shuttered window which stops the little daylight left from entering the room, all of the cold light illuminating the pale yellow walls comes from an all too bright, faded, blue lampshade on the slightly stained ceiling.

In my head I start to think of all the things I am going to give to my tiny innocent baby brother, the soft blue bear which I bought for him in advance last week at Lyme Regis on a school trip; I'll play with him; I'll help him when he's older, I promise to give him my unconditional love. Which is less than he deserves.

I let the image and the scent of this impersonal and clinically white box, fill my senses, ridding my distraught mind of all it's worries. I let my imagination rise out of the room, let it take wing just as a newborn falcon would, or a reincarnated phoenix rising out of the birthing flames, with the smoke curling round it's brilliant body, and the scarlet blood flames licking at its wings...

I take my mind away; take it back to another day. The day my parents decided that they didn't love each other any more.
[i]
An old pop song blares out of the old car radio, and the cold wind rushes through the open window. We're on our way home from dropping Tom-my brother- off at his football training, it's a Friday night and I'm hoping to persuade my mum to take me to the Devonshire Arms for tea with Dad.
Oh, okay, apparently we can't go out tonight, they need to talk to me about something... oh well. I guess we do go to the Arms a lot! We can always go tomorrow.
The rest of the journey home passes quickly, and soon I'm running up the overgrown stone garden steps to the front door.
We're sitting in the lounge now, Dad, Mum and I, and even in my innocent naive mind, I can feel the cold atmosphere in the room, can taste the unspoken words on the air... has something bad happened? Why are my parents not sitting on the same sofa, leaning against each other, my dad's arm wrapped protectively over mummy's shoulders, what's happened?

Then they told me.

And then I lost control of my mind.

I was screaming, yelling incoherent and unintelligible meaningless words. I was so angry, the tears running unhindered down my face, my throat on fire, I can imagine how I look now, a relentless source of the very despair which rots the soul.[/i]

And now when my life is so perfectly sorted out... when am I going to be able to hold my baby brother?

Is it possible that these events are linked? That every bad moment in time, every step out of place, every dark moment of loss and despair are linked up together in a dark yet glistening, intricate, terrible spider web?
Is that the final truth, the ultimate fact?



thanks for reading x

Well, welcome to YWS first off.
Not bad, not bad at all! One of the only parts of the story I didn't like was simply the fact that it was written in the present tense. If that's the way you want it, keep it that way, but for some readers, it's a bit annoying.

I'm running now, running to the entrance, I have to find them.

I would change the comma after entrance to a period. It puts more weight on "I have to find them" which makes the atmosphere a titch more dramatic, which is what you were going for, right?

But as I sit there with my mum and my family, I'm just wishing we could all do more, but I guess we are all in fate's hands now, to do as he wishes.

I'd take out either "my mum" or "family", using both sounds a little awkward.

I scan the room: a bed; a white clean sink; a shuttered window- stopping the little daylight left from entering the room, all of the bright light illuminating the pale yellow walls coming from an all too bright, faded, blue lampshade on the slightly stained ceiling.

Other than the fact that you used bright twice, I loved this sentence.

ridding my fraught mind

Did you mean "distraught"?

An old pop song blares out of the distorted radio, and the cold wind rushes through the open window

I understand what you're trying to say, but it becomes a little confusing when you describe the radio as distorted, because I'm mostly sure that I've never seen a distorted radio. Maybe you should switch that sentence around a bit?

Well, that's it for the review. You have a very nice writing style, and you're getting the hang of writing descriptively. Even better for you since this was based of an English prompt, and those are never good. Nice job!
-JK

Hey, I completely understand you. I was nervous when I posted my first story too. Don't worry, any comments people make on your work will be to help your writing. If people seem harsh don't be discouraged, it's their way of pointing out things.
About your story, I really liked it. Everything is going wrong in the characters world and that makes an interesting story.

I let my imagination rise out of the room, let it take wing just as a newborn falcon would, or a reincarnated phoenix rising out of the birthing flames, with the smoke curling round it's brilliant body, and the scarlet blood flames licking at its wings... my imagination.

That is beautiful. Your descriptions are good. Your character is good. Your entire story is good.

huge make up smudges under their eyes.

It's make-up. That is about all I could find wrong grammatically.

Overall your story is great. I encourage you to keep writing because you have a lot of talent.

thanks for the feeback, I will try edit it tonight and put a new copy on.

The reason it is all written in present tense is that the second part about the parents was suppose to be a clear flashback, written from the point of view of a younger version of the protagonist. That was clearer in the draft I entered for my coursework because parts were written in different styles... I might change the tense on this one though so thanks for pointing that out.

Well that wasn't so scary!

Well i read it ages ago but its still making me cry

Swimming AFTER school on wednesday

Xx

I don't know it still makes you cry... you didn't even know me or my family then!

But yeah, it almost made me cry writing it.
I can't sorry I have choir xx

Hey Beth, EmmaJane here as requested. I love the song "wires"! So sad. I hope this won't make me cry...

Nitpicks:

I'm running now. Running to the entrance, I have to find them. I have to see my mum and to see him, the baby.

Good start. It's simple, attention grabbing, and mysterious. I like it. ^^

The tears stream down my face, and as I turn into the door to my mum's plain white room, very uniform, very ... unwelcoming.

I can see a problem or two with this line.
One: I don't quite get what you mean with "as I turn into the door to my mum's plain white room". Your MC turns into a door? As you 'open' the door? Enter the room? Ambiguity is a pain, and always so hard to spot.
Two: I think you should scrap the "and" you have after "face". It makes me feel like there is another action about to be described, but ... there isn't.
Three: I don't like the ending to the sentence. It could be turned into another, because it just adds length to this one. Or you could just add "which" so it relates more.
: The tears stream down my face as I open the door to my mum's plain white room, which was so uniform, so ... unwelcoming.
I have a question. Is the room plain white, or plain and white? If it's the latter, you should have a comma after "plain".

My mum's face creases into a smile

LOVE.

Isn't it funny how hard we find it to comfort someone in impossible circumstances, how it seems we can only act as if it has not happened? It would be an emotional crime now, to ask where Louis was, just as we find it so hard to talk normally about a person when they have died, or even on a lesser scale, how people are too embarrassed, caught up in the social etiquette to mention when someone has huge make-up smudges under their eyes.

I also love this. It's so true! I myself have been in a similar situation, which was awful, and you're completely right about all of that. I think you should change the first sentence into two separate sentences. After "circumstances" change the comma into a question mark. Separated, these questions should have more impact.

I scan the room: a bed; a white clean sink; a shuttered window- stopping the little daylight left from entering the room, all of the cold light illuminating the pale yellow walls coming from an all too bright, faded, blue lampshade on the slightly stained ceiling.

: a white, clean sink
: shuttered window which stops the
: yellow walls comes from
To clear up some confusing parts. I'd also turn the comma you have after "left from entering the room" into a full-stop, turning them into two separate sentences.

give to my tiny innocent baby brother; the tiny blue bear

Watch out for repeating words. You've got "tiny" twice here.
And the commas. They help diminish the confusion. Tiny blue?
: tiny, innocent, baby brother; the (small), blue bear

impersonal clinical plain white box,

Be careful when describing things that you don't turn a brilliant piece of writing into a list. I would suggest removing "plain" as it's already had its fair share of the limelight. Add commas. ^^
: impersonal, clinical, white box.

I let my imagination rise out of the room, let it take wing just as a newborn falcon would, or a reincarnated phoenix rising out of the birthing flames, with the smoke curling round it's brilliant body, and the scarlet blood flames licking at its wings... my imagination.

Wonderful imagery and description here. Truly beautiful. Although I'm not sure why you've got the "my imagination" stuck on the end. O.o

An old pop song blares out of the old car radio, and the cold wind rushes through the open window. We're on our way home from dropping Tom-my brother- off at his football training, it's a Friday night and I'm hoping to persuade my mum to take me to the Devonshire Arms for tea with Dad.
Oh, okay, apparently we can't go out tonight, they need to talk to me about something... oh well. I guess we do go to the Arms a lot! We can always go tomorrow.
The rest of the journey home passes quickly, and soon I'm running up the overgrown stone garden steps to the front door.
We're sitting in the lounge now, Dad, Mum and I, and even in my innocent naive mind, I can feel the cold atmosphere in the room, can taste the unspoken words on the air... has something bad happened? Why are my parents not sitting on the same sofa, leaning against each other, my dad's arm wrapped protectively over mummy's shoulders, what's happened?

And then they told me.

And then I lost control of my mind.

I was screaming, yelling incoherent and unintelligible meaningless words. I was so angry, the tears running unhindered down my face, my throat on fire, I can imagine how I look now, a relentless source of the very despair which rots the soul.

Yeah, I've quoted it all. That's because I love it all. I don't see anything wrong with this. If I had to search for a something not quite right, then it would be why would the MC think of that day? What makes them think back to then? But, as you can see, it's only a small point. I love the childlike voice you've got here, the chattiness like it's happening just as she's describing it: "Oh, okay, apparently we can't go out tonight, they need to talk to me about something... oh well. I guess we do go to the Arms a lot!" I particularly liked this part.
Oh. Just spotted something. "And then they told me. And then I lost control of my mind." You've got two sentences which both start with "and" next to each other. I suggest removing one of the "and"s. Possibly the first as you've got the "then" which will still give the safe effect as the "and" before it.

Is it possible that these events are linked? That every bad moment in time, every step out of place, every dark moment of loss and despair are linked up together in a dark yet glistening, intricate, terrible spider web?

I think you should explain this a bit more. I've sort of got what you mean... And watch out for lists!

Is that the final truth, the ultimate fact...?

It would be more hard hitting if you removed the ellipsis.
I really like how you've ended it. The defeated despair you've conveyed in just two short questions. ^^ Brilliant.

Lists:
You just need to watch out for 'em. I caught a couple, which I think I've pointed out... I know what it's like. You've got about five words you must add in, or the reader just won't get what you're trying to describe. I get that. The only thing I can suggest is to make a cruel selection of just a couple add the others in later.

Description:
Beth! I loved your description! Especially the "flash back" part. That was flawless. Some sections I was wordless. Great stuff. No complaints from me on this point.

Overall:
Overall, it was very good. And sad.. No, I didn't cry, I made sure I had happy music playing in the background. Was such an emotion piece with strong links to your life hard to write? You said it was based on your life, so was your brother premature? If so ... I hope he's okay now.
You should write more s. stories or vignettes. I like your style.

PM me for questions, more reviews or if you do post any more S. stories or vignettes.

Keep writing,

~EmmaJane

Hiya!

So, my first question is if you're planning on continuing this. Right now, it seems just a bit incomplete for this to be a hard-hitting story. It's on its way, though. Just add onto it a bit more.

I found the focus of this work a bit confusing. At first, I thought that the MC was running from a fire. But once you hinted that the setting was a hospital, I got confused. Make the setting and context clearer right from the start; the work will be better for it.

I'd like a bit more of an explanation as well. If you're going to expand this, then you don't need to put in a lot, but I'd like to know a bit more about the brother right now. The pace was a bit fast because you didn't have an explanation, but the pace is still okay. I would like to see more explanation, though.

Overall, I did like this and want to see more! PM me with any questions.

~Rosey

Thankyou Emma! I just edited it how you suggested too, and it does sound better now!

yes my brother was 14 weeks prem. :/ but he's 3 now and doing fine (:
This wasn't that hard to write, it actually helped to be able to explain to people how i felt, in the hospital, and in the flashback to my parents divorce.
I wasn't planning on continuing it, it was for soem coursework.

thanks everyone x

Hi there! Welcome to YWS!

Now, to the story...

I personally thought it was just OK. I hope I'm not offending here...it was not too bad and not too good. The thing I liked about the story was that it has a sad tone to it, especially the flashback part. It was clearly written with emotion.

The negative aspects:

* I think you need to elaborate more on some parts of the story. Like, for example - is the MC a male or female?

* Some parts were a bit too dramatic. Like these lines:

I was screaming, yelling incoherent and unintelligible meaningless words. I was so angry, the tears running unhindered down my face, my throat on fire, I can imagine how I look now, a relentless source of the very despair which rots the soul

and

Is that the final truth, the ultimate fact?

I know dramatism is important, but I think it was slightly overdone here. Just slightly.


Overall, I think this was not bad. It has potential.
Keep up the good work!

I know you're not trying to offend here, but that really is no exaggeration.
It was set to a word limit too, that's why I didn't elaborate. But I might take it further..I don't know :L
Btw sorry if I was just a bit snappy! had a very bad day
thanks for feedback x

Well I thought it was good. Beth, glancing through the edited piece, my only concern is that you put things in the same sentence, when really they'd sound better if they were separated.

Beth wrote:The tears stream down my face, I enter through the door to my mum's plain, it was a stark white room, very uniform, very ... unwelcoming.

I keep coming back to this, I know. BUT you should remove "it was a" as it doesn't go with the "my mum's plain". And it sounds more like you're telling than showing with that section.
And returning to my first point, I'd replace the comma on "stream down my face, I enter" with an "as" - to connect them more.
: The tears stream down my face as I enter my mum's plain, stark white room; which was very uniform, very ... unwelcoming.
I also cut the "through the door" because it's not like she's gonna climb through the window. >.<
Te he. I like to keep tabs on the stuff I've reviewed. ^^
Hope your day gets better,
~Emma

haha it just did get better actually (: so sorry to anyone I've given harsh reviews too!

okay I'll change that! thanks again :L x

Scared of the facts wrote:I don't know it still makes you cry... you didn't even know me or my family then!

But yeah, it almost made me cry writing it.
I can't sorry I have choir xx

Um hellooo i did know your mum then.

But i meant the first time in English when it made EVERYONE cry

Ella
Xx

Did you? oh yeah... now you've confused me. i guess you're mum knew my mum, so i guess you'd probably met her.. never mind. point is.. it shouldn't have made you cry!