Sinner's search chapter one [1]

Here's only a small part of the first chapter tell me what you think!!!


Chapter one – Outcast

I always knew I was different. No one understands me. No one does anything wrong. Everyone’s perfect except me. I have no friends except Damian. People just avoid me. They might even be afraid of me. Our world has always been peaceful and happy. I’m the exception. My name is Shay McAdams.
It was a nightmare about my best friend Damian. He’d been running through a dark tunnel breathing heavily. Six elders were sitting in a circle. Damian shrieked “I found it! I found it.” Then someone came up behind him and hit him. He fell the back of his head bleeding. I woke up in my apartment covered in a cold sweat. I tried to shake of last night’s nightmare. I tried to remind myself that stuff like that didn’t happen. Everyone was happy. I looked at the clock. Oh no I was gonna be late for school again. I was the only one ever late for school. I grabbed my bag and a banana and rushed out the door.

I walked in the classroom with everyone staring at me. Everyone was talking to everybody and smiling. I sat down and Damian walked towards me. I was relieved to see him fully intact. He smiled. He had dark spiky hair, a crooked smile and brown eyes. He’s the only person who excepts me.
“Morning Shay. How did you sleep?” He really looked concerned.

“I slept fine.” He raised an eyebrow. He knew me so well. “Nightmare again.” I nodded sheepishly. He sighed.

The teacher walked in and everyone took their seats. I was horrible at school. The teacher would tell us what to read and not explain anything. People were just supposed to know the answers. I didn’t. If you asked for help the teacher she would look at your paper and say “Good job or Keep trying.” If you got something wrong she would get really confused.

Time for lunch our class runs to the lunchroom to get in line first. I hang back and walk slowly to lunch. Damien and I sit alone at a table. Damien stares at me a lot. I don’t mind. I know he worries about me.

“You still haven’t told me about your nightmare yet.” He said. I looked absently at my sandwich.

“Yep I haven’t.” He looked at me expectantly. He knew how to get to me. “OK fine I dreamed you were running through a tunnel yelling “I found it” over and over. Then you talked to these old people. Then someone knocked you out.” I looked up at him he was smiling.

“Well that makes me feel better. I almost forgot something.” He pulled out a piece of brown crinkled paper with a silver bow on it. “Happy Birthday!”

“Damien my birthday is tomorrow and you know I don’t like to make a big deal about it.” I sighed. He always went overboard.

“I know your birthday is tomorrow but this is important.” He looked at me sternly. “Will you promise me something?” I nodded. He handed me the paper. “Don’t look at this until tomorrow. OK?”

“Sure I guess.” Class was horrible. Finally the bell rang for the end of the day. Damien walked to my house with me. “Do you want to come in?” I asked hopefully. I always got lonely.

“Yes I would.” He smiled and walked on. We walked into my apartment. When I was eleven I moved to this apartment. Since people are born from thought you don’t really know who your parents are so once you’re old enough you leave the foster home and live by yourself. My apartment was messy as ever. Damien put down his bag and walked over to the fridge. He’s always hungry. “You have like no fruit.” He’s all for the healthy stuff. He walked over to the window and stared down.

“Damien what’s wrong? Damien are you hearing me. Damien!” I grabbed his arm and turned him around.

“What!” He looked confused.

“I said what’s wrong with you.” He turned away from me again “Nothing I have to go Shay. Bye.” He looked really sad. He gave me a quick hug and walked away. I stared after him. That night I had another nightmare. I was walking in a desert. I was so hot. The sand started to come towards me in a spiral. I panicked and started to run but the sand kept coming. I fell and the sand pulled me into the spiral. I screamed and just before the sand closed I saw a bright light and someone whispered my name. “Shay comes.” I woke with a scream. It was still dark outside. I looked at the clock 5.00am. I was tired but I didn’t want to go back to sleep. So I got dressed, took my bag and went to get a coffee.

When I got there I tried calling Damien like five times he didn’t answer. After my coffee I decided I would go to his house. I knocked on the door it was open so I walked in. “Damien!” No answer. His apartment was spotless. This was so weird Damien always answered his phone. Where was he? I looked at his calendar he had today circled but with nothing on it. I tried calling him again, nothing. I went back to my house and tried to relax but I was too worried. I tried calling him maybe ten more times. Leaving more frantic messages every time. I put down my phone and turned on the T.V. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up it was dark out. I checked for messages on my phone but there was none?

I remembered something. I got up stiff and trudged over to my bag. I got out the paper Damien had given me. Maybe he would tell me what was going on with him. I opened it. It was directions to get somewhere here in New York. I folded it up and hoped it would lead me to Damien. I walked out the front door maybe for the last time.

I like it... but you write like you would talk. A few times you put the word 'like' in too excessively.
You also tell us everything, and it moves too fast. If you put more detail in, then it might be twice the size, and not so blatantly obvious.
On last bad thing would be your dialogue; you need more punctuation. Everything he says is in one sentence, no commas or anything.
On the other hand, it has a good plot. I would like to keep on reading this is you made it a little less tell-ish and a bit more show-y.

-Asxz

Hey there. I'll jump straight into it.

Style and Tone
Okay. Your writing is all in short sentences. Everything is written like this. There is no variation. Therefore, it's boring to read. The structure of sentences is a key part of any literature, and it adds atmosphere. Short sentences usually pack in the adrenaline, but only when combined with longer sentences that contrast them well enough to create a spectrum. It's like when artists use different shades of paint. It's all the different shades that give their subject substance and dimension. Nobody wants to sift through sentences that are all entirely the same. It has the effect of an automated voice. There's no emotion and it's a bit irritating. Go through and mix it up a bit. I promise, it'll help your story no end.

Characters
I think to sum up my opinion of Shay, I only have to take the first paragraph:

I always knew I was different. No one understands me. No one does anything wrong. Everyone’s perfect except me. I have no friends except Damian. People just avoid me. They might even be afraid of me. Our world has always been peaceful and happy. I’m the exception. My name is Shay McAdams.

This is a terribly off-putting opening paragraph, exactly the opposite of what an opening paragraph should be. Your character is whining at the reader. Make her at least a little bit more independent and confident, because the kind of character who latches herself onto the reader so is not the kind of character I warm to. "No one understands me" is so clichéd and just teen angst, and we don't want to hear it in writing. I hate to, because I read or write often specifically to escape from it.

There isn't much here about Damien. His character is one that could develop, I don't know. It's not as glaring as Shay's.


Plot
This was actually fine. There's not too much I want to say here. You leave us on a pretty good hook, so I won't comment.

Grammar and Punctuation
The punctuation in your speech is completely off. You don't seem to use any, as the previous reviewer noted. Google "speech formatting" or "speech punctuation" and you'll hopefully find a few guides. The basic rule is to always remember that "she said" is not separate from the dialogue, so you need a comma inside the speech marks and no capital on "she".
You also have quite a few sentences which just run on with no commas where there should be commas and no full stops where there should be full stops. When I wonder whether a comma should be used, I read my piece aloud and think, did I breathe there? Often you'll do it naturally and realise that you couldn't possibly read the piece aloud without a break. That's what commas were originally for - that break for a breath when reading aloud.

So, I hope I've summarised the issues here, and I hope you take what I said into account. Sorry if this feels rushed, but it's kind of late where I am and I just wanted to finish this review.

Hello sunnygirl 40!
I am Incognito and I am going to review your work today!
Shall we begin?

I. Nit-Picking

I always knew I was different. No one understands me. No one does anything wrong. Everyone’s perfect except me. I have no friends except Damian. People just avoid me. They might even be afraid of me. Our world has always been peaceful and happy. I’m the exception. My name is Shay McAdams.

~I don’t like the use of ‘No one does anything wrong’ because instantly my mind goes on defences and contradicts that statement. It could possibly mean that Shay believes that nobody does anything wrong, but it is obvious that nobody in this world is perfect. People always have a fault and that is what makes us human. Thought I do like how you maintain this image of how low she thinks of herself. I think you should make sure the reader knows your character has issues and just how much they really do hate themselves.

If you keep this aspect, it gives another dimension to your characterization. You just have to make sure you get that aspect in more. I recommend describing things more, commenting on how perfect every one is, and how horrible all the things she does. The reader could get a clear picture then.

~I want to comment on ‘Our world has always been peaceful and happy. I’m the exception’. The reason why I don’t like that is because if you take a quick glance in history, this world has never been peaceful. There was never a time when some warring countries would decide to slaughter each other. Then you say that she is the exception. That means she is the exception to peaceful and happy. That means she picks fights and starts wars and is miserable. I do not like that line.

I would recommend changing it to something, dwelling how everyone surrounding was happy, smiling, seemingly perfect, and yet there she was, in a pit of self pity.

~I also do not like the order you put this in, partly because you say something and it doesn’t connect to one another. You have to write things in a logical order so that the reader will understand it more. I will rewrite it in a different order so that you can see how lines can play off each other logically.
‘I always knew I was different. Everyone is perfect except me. No one does anything wrong. No one understands me. People just avoid me. They might even be afraid of me. I have no friends except Damian. Our world has always been peaceful and happy. I am the exception. My name is Shay McAdams.’

It was a nightmare about my best friend Damian.

~You have to be careful with how you use the word it. It has multiple meanings which include; a pronoun used to refer to an object or animal, a pronoun used to refer to a situation just described or to an unspecified or implied situation, a pronoun used to indicate feelings or a viewpoint on a particular situation, pronoun used to state the time, a pronoun used to refer to life or a particular experience – the list goes on and on. That is why I am thrown off here because there is no reference before saying what ‘it’ was and it comes after saying that it was a nightmare. But before hand you say nothing about a nightmare. I would recommend rephrasing it to ‘I was having a nightmare about my best friend Damian’.

He’d been running through a dark tunnel breathing heavily. Six elders were sitting in a circle.

~The transition here seems a bit much for me. I like the first sentence, but the second just seems random. I would make it into one sentence and make it resemble something like this;
‘He’d been running though a dark tunnel breathing heavily when he stumbled on six elders sitting in a circle.’
It makes it blend better.

I tried to shake of last night’s nightmare.

~She just had the nightmare so you would call it ‘last night’s nightmare’. I would just say ‘the nightmare’.

Everyone was happy. I looked at the clock. Oh no I was gonna be late for school again. I was the only one ever late for school.

~This fits right in with my first post. You are getting good characterization because it clearly shows that the narrator thinks of herself as imperfect, a thing farthest from being perfect. I think you should really maintain this through the whole piece. And the reason why I say that is because I believe that you will soon find that you can make the character think better of herself as the story goes on, and it gives the satisfaction to the reader to know that change can happen. It will add another dimension to the story.

Everyone was talking to everybody and smiling.

~I think it would sound better if you add an ‘else’ after ‘everybody’.

I was relieved to see him fully intact.

~This is a big thing to say without going further into detail. You mean that Damian was actually picked on? He came to school hurt a lot? You need to elaborate on this more. Is Damian the only thing important to her and that is why she was glad to see he arrived to her alive? This adds curiosity that was never tamed.

“Morning Shay. How did you sleep?” He really looked concerned.

~This seems like a really random thing to ask. Is it like a custom because nightmares are common with her. I think that maybe you could add something into it. Your dialogue in this piece seems so static and awkward. It shows little familiarity between the two characters and I think it is thinks like this and how you describe it. Say that there is a custom. Get into her thoughts a little bit more.

If you got something wrong she would get really confused.

~But didn’t you just in the piece actually just say that the teacher would tell them to keep trying. Teachers wouldn’t say keep trying if they got it right. I think this line barely make sense. I don’t think a teacher would actually get confused that a student doesn’t understand something. They may get frustrated, maybe a little bit angered. Only after a while of constant misunderstandings will they really become confused and challenge their own teaching methods.

Time for lunch our class runs to the lunchroom to get in line first.

~This line needs to be rephrased because it doesn’t make much sense. I can slightly decipher it but other then that, it is hard to tell. I would try something like;
‘When it was time for lunch, our class would run into the lunchroom to try to get in the line first.’

“OK fine I dreamed you were running through a tunnel yelling “I found it” over and over. Then you talked to these old people. Then someone knocked you out.”

~This is all fine and dandy but it doesn’t really match the actual dream from above. In the actual nightmare, Damian is running through a tunnel when it stumbles upon a group of elders, then it starts screaming, then her gets knocked out.

~What I would actually add dimension to this story is if she lied about it thinking it wasn’t anything of his concern. That would work well because it adds characterization and it makes it seem more depth to the plot. That tunnel running, I am sure is going to actually work to foreshadow in the next part of the story, but doing this would make it more ironic that if she did tell him then she might have been able to stop him from going somewhere.

I looked up at him he was smiling.

~This is the part that baffles me. It is along with the next. He was smiling that she had a dream about him where he got knocked out? That somebody actually hurt him? I would make him have a more natural reaction, maybe shrug it off, or chuckle to himself. Maybe he knows what she is talking about, so he could laugh at the irony, or get angry that she mentioned it. Give Damian character.

He always went overboard.

~He went overboard? A piece of paper with a bow on it is overboard? It could have just been a card. That is not overboard. I always give my friends birthday cards.

“Sure I guess.” Class was horrible. Finally the bell rang for the end of the day. Damien walked to my house with me. “Do you want to come in?” I asked hopefully. I always got lonely.

~The transition is just so quick and there is no paragraph markers. Dialogue should be treated as its own paragraph, and when you say ‘class was horrible’ randomly, not many people will get to know that lunch ended. You have to make things clear. Make sure the reader knows what you mean.

When I was eleven I moved to this apartment. Since people are born from thought you don’t really know who your parents are so once you’re old enough you leave the foster home and live by yourself.

~Eleven is old enough to get out of the foster home by themselves and to be able to get an apartment? I don’t think so buster. To get out of a foster home, you have to be a certified adult, which in most places is either 18, 19, or 21. It is the same with an apartment. Eleven year olds wouldn’t even be able to get a job to pay for the apartment let alone furnish it.

“Damien what’s wrong? Damien are you hearing me. Damien!” I grabbed his arm and turned him around.

~This seems kind of random. He just looked at the ground. I would have made her ask if something was wrong, and if there was, then I would make him pause, and make her ask again. I think it would also add more dimension and insight to his character. If he doesn’t answer after the third time, I would make her turn him around to face her.

. So I got dressed, took my bag and went to get a coffee.

~She left to go get coffee at a store or a coffee maker? This confused me because in the next part you say that once she got there she tried to phone. You need to make sure the setting changes are prominent.

I walked out the front door maybe for the first time.

~I think you mean ‘for the last time’ and not ‘the first time’ because it is kind of obvious that she would walk out the front door to go out, and it couldn’t have been the first time, unless of course she always left through the back door. I think you could make your character awesome if you added a quirk like that.


II. Grammar and Punctuation

Everyone’s perfect except me.

I am not quite sure if this actually applies but I think you made the word ‘everyone’ possessive. When you have an apostrophe ‘s’ after a noun, then that automatically makes it possessive of the words after it unless it is the word ‘it’. In this case, ‘everyone’ can’t own ‘perfect except me’. It doesn’t make sense. Yet I am not sure if that is the right way to state the fact of ‘everyone is perfect except me’. It is confusing with the rules of possession.

What I recommend is changing the apostrophe ‘s’ to just plain ‘is’. It takes away from the confusion.

Damian shrieked “I found it! I found it.”

There should be a comma, a colon, or a semi-colon after ‘shrieked’ because you are elaborating about what he shrieked.

Oh no I was gonna be late for school again.

I think there is a bit of a lack of punctuation here. I am pretty sure that you are supposed to have some kind of punctuation after ‘oh no’. Try a comma or an exclamation mark.

And also, because ‘gonna’ is slang, it is not an actual real word. You can change it to ‘going to’. But then again, using the slang adds expression and an insight to the kind of character your character is. The only think though is that you don’t keep up with the slang. It is up to you if you want to keep it or not.

He’s the only person who excepts me.

‘Excepts’ actually is a word indicating the only person or thing that does not apply to a statement just made, or a fact that modifies the truth of that statement. The word should ‘accepts’ can mean to tolerate something without protesting or attempting to change it. I believe ‘accepts’ is the word that it should be.

A lot of writers actually mess that up. It is a common mistake.

“Nightmare again.” I nodded sheepishly.

That period should be a comma. At the end of this section I will tell you the rules for punctuating dialogue.

If you asked for help the teacher [s]she[/s] would look at your paper and say “Good job or Keep trying.”

First off, I would have the quotations just apostrophes. It makes it a bit easier. Then you need to eliminate the ‘she’ in there because it makes no sense if you keep it. Add a comma after ‘help’ and ‘say’, uncapitalize ‘good job’ and ‘keep trying’ and make the quotations hug the individually.

It would end up looking like this;
If you asked for help, the teacher would look at you paper and say, ‘good job’ or ‘keep trying’.

The reason why those changes were necessary were that if I didn’t actually change it, then the sentence wouldn’t make much sense. Punctuation is the part of writing which is the most trickiest and the most important.

“Yep I haven’t.”

You need a comma after ‘yep’.

“OK fine I dreamed you were running through a tunnel yelling “I found it” over and over. Then you talked to these old people. Then someone knocked you out.”

First off, I have to say, I have a little pet peeve that you pushed here. That is when people use ‘OK’ instead of just spelling it out ‘okay’. You don’t necessarily have to change it, but I would recommend it because it bugs a lot of people besides me.

Secondly, you need a comma after ‘okay’. Then you need change the quotations on ‘I found it’ to apostrophes because that is describing dialogue in dialogue.

“Well that makes me feel better.

It would read better if you added a comma after ‘well’.

“Damien my birthday is tomorrow and you know I don’t like to make a big deal about it.”

You need a comma after ‘Damien’.
I just noticed something. In the beginning you were spelling ‘Damien’ ‘Damian’. You need to decide on a spelling choice and fix that.

“Don’t look at this until tomorrow. OK?”

Think you can change the ‘OK’ to ‘okay’?

Since people are born from thought you don’t really know who your parents are so once you’re old enough you leave the foster home and live by yourself.

This sentence makes no sense, and I don’t know how to decipher it. Mind rephrasing it?

I looked at the clock 5.00am.

This sentence barely makes any sense because you say she looks at the clock and then you randomly blurt out the time. I would recommend making a better transition. Try;

‘I looked at the clock, and it read 5:00 a.m.’

knocked on the door it was open so I walked in.

You need a period after door and to capitalize ‘it’.

I looked at his calendar he had today circled but with nothing on it.

It feels like you are missing something in this sentence. You can add a period after calendar and capitalize ‘he’ or you can add to it and make it resemble something like;
‘I looked at his calendar and noticed he had today circled but with nothing written on it.’

I put down my phone and turned on the T.V. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up it was dark out.

I see here you didn’t know how you put the punctuation of periods after an acronym. What you do is revert the letters to what it actually meant before. In this case you would write ‘television’ then have the period.

I checked for messages on my phone but there was none?

It shouldn’t be a question mark here. It should actually just be a period because this isn’t a question.

Punctuating Dialogue

There is a couple rules for punctuation dialogue, and errors here is a tell tale sign of beginning writers.

First one is that you have you use a comma between the dialogue and the tag line (the words used to identify the speaker: he said/she said.) For example;

Incognito's Example: wrote: “You have to go feed the cat,” I told my little sister.

Secondly, periods and commas go inside the quotation marks; other punctuation like semi-colons, question marks, exclamation marks, and dashes go outside unless it directly pertains to the material inside the quotes as in this example from Raymond Carver’s “Where I’m Calling From”:

"I don't want any stupid cake," says the guy who goes to Europe and the Middle East. "Where's the champagne?" he says, and laughs.

In the next example, the punctuation goes outside the quotations because it is not part of the quote:

Did you say, “We shall be merry on Christmas”?

Also note that the sentence ends with only one mark of punctuation: the question mark. In general, don't use double punctuation marks, but go with the stronger punctuation. (Question marks and exclamation points are stronger than commas and periods. Think of it as a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, if it helps.)

Thirdly, when a tag line interrupts a sentence, it should be set off by commas. Note that the first letter of the second half is in lower case.

Incognito’s Example: wrote: “I see you there,” he yelled, “lying in those brambles over yonder.”

Next, to signal a quotation within a quotation use single quotes or apostrophes.
[quote= “Incognito’s Example:] “I am sure you just said, ‘watch out for those giant muskrats’.” Jenn mumbled under her breath.[/quote]

For thoughts, usually italics are deemed appropriate.

And finally, if your dialogue spills over on paragraph, do not use end quotes at the close of the first paragraph. Use them only when the dialogue is over. Make sure though you have the beginning quotations in the starts of the paragraphs still.

Overall
You have great grammar and punctuation. You just need to make sure you dialogue punctuation is correct. I recommend reviewing the rules every once in a while to make sure you keep your writing perfect and gorgeous.


III. Character Development

First off, I want to comment on how confusing it is to find out the age and gender if the character. It is very hard to decipher. I know she is older than eleven, but the way you described school, you made it seem very elementary, and it baffles me that both Damian and Shay have apartments of their own. Here is my evidence. xD

When I was eleven I moved to this apartment. Since people are born from thought you don’t really know who your parents are so once you’re old enough you leave the foster home and live by yourself.

So I got dressed, took my bag and went to get a coffee.

Both of those give evidence that she is older, yet it still baffles me because I can’t be sure because how you describe the school.

Then with the gender, I just thought that she was a female because I based it off myself. A horrible mistake, I know, but otherwise I have absolutely no clue what Shay is. Even her name could be male or female. There is no clear evidence to anything. Maybe you should add more description to Shay’s apartment so that you could get a better picture of Shay’s gender.

Now secondly, I would like to tell you that you need to get more of a description out of the characters. You had a brief line about what Damian looked and that was just basic stuff and blunt. If you did a full out description then it would have been a major info dump. I would recommend blending in the description of the character a long with the actions so that the reader could fit it together like a puzzle and not necessarily have to get a lot. You would get better imagery doing that too. Describe the color of the sleeve as they reach out for something, describe the face meanwhile describing the characteristic smile. I am sure you could make this story great if you just took a little bit of time to get more of a description in there.

Then you seem to have some really could characterization going on here with Shay which is really good. How you write makes it a perfect insight to the actual emotions of the character though the one I have a problem with is Damian. There doesn’t seem to be much behind him. You say he likes healthy food and has a clean apartment. That makes you think he grew up in a nice family with caring parents. Now you have to get more into it. Does he like to joke? Is he quiet? Here is a great opening you can use to add more to him:

I was relieved to see him fully intact.

You can easily make it so that people dislike him, bully him, maybe he lives with abusive parents. You have a million chances here, you just have to take them.

What you can do to get more of the characteristics in there is to describe his actions. Make him move, describe how his timidly fiddles with a pencil, or how he walks really briskly like with a purpose. Blend it in there with the descriptions of the character and you will be set.

IV. Writing Format

First off, I want to talk about your actual writing. It is very personal, and it seems it is your own style, but I don’t really like it very much because it just feels choppy. There isn’t much fluency, the sentences short and consecutive. That makes it less appealing for the reader because there doesn’t seem to be any rhythm or connections to make it flow. I recommend connecting your sentences into two at points, lengthen them. I also suggest describing more in your piece so that the reader could still get a better feel.

Now also, I want to say that with your writing, there is barely any setting. That is a problem because even though you tell the reader where she is going, the reader does not know what the actual location looks like. I recommend blending the setting in the same way you would with the appearance of the characters, put it in with the actions so it doesn’t seem so much as telling but showing. I believe your writing could be great if you just get that further amount of description in there.

Another thing I have an issue with is your writing in first person. I believe, with how you write, it really should be in third person. When you write in first person, you have to get deep into their thoughts, connecting with the character intimately and elaborating their thought processes, reviewing certain facts that need to be reviewed, and comply with the tendency a person does when they think, like repetition. In first person, you also have to play off the five senses; sight, hearing, taste, smell, and feeling. If you connect all of those five senses in your descriptions, the reader will be able to connect very well with your actual story. I think what you mainly need to work on is your descriptions, and making sure when you write in first person, you dwell in their thoughts, and how they see things around them.

Another problem I have with your piece is that you don’t treat your dialogue like paragraphs. When you have dialogue, it should instantly be a paragraph of its own. Here are the examples I picked out of your story where you didn’t do that:

It was a nightmare about my best friend Damian. He’d been running through a dark tunnel breathing heavily. Six elders were sitting in a circle. Damian shrieked “I found it! I found it.” Then someone came up behind him and hit him. He fell the back of his head bleeding. I woke up in my apartment covered in a cold sweat. I tried to shake of last night’s nightmare. I tried to remind myself that stuff like that didn’t happen. Everyone was happy. I looked at the clock. Oh no I was gonna be late for school again. I was the only one ever late for school. I grabbed my bag and a banana and rushed out the door.

“I said what’s wrong with you.” He turned away from me again “Nothing I have to go Shay. Bye.” He looked really sad. He gave me a quick hug and walked away. I stared after him. That night I had another nightmare. I was walking in a desert. I was so hot. The sand started to come towards me in a spiral. I panicked and started to run but the sand kept coming. I fell and the sand pulled me into the spiral. I screamed and just before the sand closed I saw a bright light and someone whispered my name. “Shay comes.” I woke with a scream. It was still dark outside. I looked at the clock 5.00am. I was tired but I didn’t want to go back to sleep. So I got dressed, took my bag and went to get a coffee.

Your paragraphs could have also been put into shorter ones. In paragraphs, all the information in them have to connect. If they do not, then it would be a paragraph of its own. You also have to make sure your paragraphs are thought out well, and logically. Here is how these two paragraphs should actually be spaced:

It was a nightmare about my best friend Damian. He’d been running through a dark tunnel breathing heavily. Six elders were sitting in a circle.

Damian shrieked “I found it! I found it.”

Then someone came up behind him and hit him. He fell the back of his head bleeding. I woke up in my apartment covered in a cold sweat. I tried to shake of last night’s nightmare. I tried to remind myself that stuff like that didn’t happen. Everyone was happy.

I looked at the clock. Oh no I was gonna be late for school again. I was the only one ever late for school. I grabbed my bag and a banana and rushed out the door.

“I said what’s wrong with you.”

He turned away from me again “Nothing I have to go Shay. Bye.” He looked really sad. He gave me a quick hug and walked away. I stared after him.

That night I had another nightmare. I was walking in a desert. I was so hot. The sand started to come towards me in a spiral. I panicked and started to run but the sand kept coming. I fell and the sand pulled me into the spiral. I screamed and just before the sand closed I saw a bright light and someone whispered my name.

“Shay comes.”

I woke with a scream. It was still dark outside. I looked at the clock 5.00am. I was tired but I didn’t want to go back to sleep. So I got dressed, took my bag and went to get a coffee.

It looks a little bit neater now and seems more organized.

V. Overall

I think this is a very good start. You have me wondering what actually this story is about. I think it would be something I would read. I really do think you have something, and I encourage your to continue it.

What I think is that you have tons of possibilities here, and the storyline is certainly not predicatable. I am still trying to fit the dream in with what is happening. I find it really intriguing. One thing you have to work on though for me is the dialogue. It seems very static to me, and not very realistic. You have to write dialogue as if it was someone actually talking to you. Imagine your closest friend talking to you. It wouldn’t be as straight and stiff as the dialogue you had in this piece. Add some attitude from one of the characters, give it that extra flair. I think maybe a couple inside jokes would also make it more believable.

I also think that you can add so much to it to make the story more impacting. Like I said with this line:

I was relieved to see him fully intact.

You can elaborate on that so much, and deeply. You can give Damian a past, a sad history. Give him something that makes him different then everyone else. Maybe he could be bullied and they found sanctuary with each other. Together they can stay sheltered from the world. I believe you certainly can do anything.

One more thing, you have to make sure you fix your name issue. In the beginning Damian’s name was spelt ‘Damian’ but in the end it was ‘Damien’. Make sure you fix it to what ever you want it to be.

Make those changes, and work a bit on your writing and I believe you are off to a great start.
~Incognito