Scarlet Raindrop

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[x] The alluring moon stared me down through two pine trees, daring to darken my features. The glimmer off the water droplets that hung to the long blades of grass was the only detail that didn't catch my attention. Everything else was so crisp. The way the trees seemed to hide invisible figures, leaves rushing to catch the wind in their velvety clasp. Branches were pulled back from the trail, inviting me to continue walking over their roots' thriving grounds.
I wonder if Dan's here yet…, I thought to myself.

Dan? You there?
"What's the point in having mind communication if the only other person who has it isn't even us—
"You called?"
I swiveled on heels, stopping to face him. He was standing near two connected trees, hands buried in his shorts pockets. The shadows only covered him from his shirtless chest down.
"Thanks for dropping in," I smiled. "So have you been trying to ignore me, or are your systems running low?"
In the gloom, only his chestnut eyes and sly grin pierced through the darkness. But as he approached me, parting from the shade, the moon revealed the rest of his mocca features.
"No, just when I talk to you, I like to see your pretty face," he said, getting even closer, shrinking the space between.
Every second that he touched or held me in his arms sent tiny explosions through out my body. The tips of my fingers went numb, my head buzzed, making it hard for me to stay upright. His breathing was slow and even, while mine was noticeably rushed.
"Don't move," he said, leaving to go rummage in his bag. After his forage, he came out with a shiny black camera and a yellow strap dangling from his hands.
"What are going to do with that?"
"Well, seeing as I don't have a picture of you, I thought that this would be a good time to get one, " he explained, finishing with a crooked smile.
"But, because I know you hate pictures, I'll only take one. Promise."
What could I say? It was only fair the he had a picture of me to keep, while I had one of him. In the picture, we're sitting on a bench in the park down my street. I've kept it in my room in a black frame with the letters 'friends' glued across the bottom in silver letters. That was also the day I discovered my huge and abnormal crush on Dan. Since then, I've wanted him.
"How do you want me to pose for the camera?"
"You could sit down stand up, lay on the ground, climb a tree for all I care. Whatever you like."

I think just might take my chances and stand up. "Sitting isn't my thing, so standing up, please. But I want you in the picture," I finished with a wide smile.
Maybe he could see the hope that hid behind the glaze over my eyes, because he winked before turning to position the camera in the nook of the connected tree. He checked the angle twice before asking, "You ready?"
"The most I'll ever be."
He pressed a button on the camera, then ran towards me. "We have fifteen seconds before it goes off, what do you want to do?"
My head started rushing with blurred images, so unclear. My heart raced, getting faster after each beeping of the camera, counting down the seconds until the flash. The beeping increased in sound, the seconds passed so rapidly, I barely had any time to breath. Then a long tone indicated that fifteen seconds had passed. Without even thinking, I swung my hands around his neck, pressed his mouth to mine and let my eyes flutter close. The flash illuminated the whole scene. Even after the photo was taken, the kiss continued. Slow and easy until I couldn't take it anymore and lat him go to take a huge gulp of air.
"You should've kept going," he whispered in my hair. "It was definitely worth the wait."
"You were waiting for me to kiss you?"

"Oh, you have no idea," he said before walking over to the camera and plucking out of the tree. "Let's see this picture of ours…"
Walking over to him and peeking over his shoulder, I watched as he flipped through every one of the photos
until he found the one that was previously taken.
Our faces were illuminated by the light coming from the moon that peeked through the trees in the background. The space between our two bodies was limited and the way our lips seemed to melt in together made me feel like I should be in jail. But that didn't stop me from kissing and hugging afterwards.
"Oh thank you! It's so good! I love it, do you think I could get a copy?"
" Yeah, sure, but you're gonna have to let go of me so that I can get home and download this," he smiled. I hadn't realized that I was kinda crushing him out of pure glee.
I let go of him and he picked up his bag and slid in his camera before zipping it closed.
"I have to go, but until then, sweet dreams, Scarlet," he kissed my forehead then disappeared into the shadows of the trees.[x]
[color=#400040]
"Laugh like no one can hear you, dance like no one is watching, and love like you're going to doe tomorrow." --Unknown




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This was plain out adorable. Are you going to add more? I really hope so. [: I found nothing wrong with this piece at all. Well, at least I think I didn't :D
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
-James Dean




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I really liked but it should be alot longer.I liked their chemistry but it woulve been alot better if you had to go through some waiting before she finds out he likes her too. Also it wouldve been nice to get a little background on them like why do they have esp, why is it only them or at least when did it happen and how did they meet or have they always known each other. I mean I guess u might reveal some of this later but these are just things i was wondering. not sure if this was supposed to be a begining but it would be better somewhere between begining-middle. sorry if i just overdid it all... not very good at this lol
fairy tales and wishing wells




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Just lovely!! Gorgeous!! I must say that You put images into my head. I could hear the characters voices, and see the light shining through the trees! You have a real talent for writing, and i think you should definatly add more. Maybe something intense, something to make the reader jolt with excitment, or you could add some mystery to it. Otherwise, amazing piece of ART! :D
Aleixa Ann




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Okay, hi, Jetpack here. First things first, please please don't colour your font! It's fine for Randomness, but here it's just irritating and makes you as a writer look very amateurish. I know black's boring, but it's better in the long run to use ordinary colours, and it invites more reviews.

So, to go through it. The beginning's sort of meh. The description's good, but I've feel like I've seen it so often before... still, it's good enough to keep me reading.

"What's the point in having mind communication if the only other person who has it isn't even us—


I hate the term "mind communication". Can you just use "telepathy"? It's so much quicker to say and it's the generally accepted term for mind communication. Only one or two people who haven't seen the like of X-Men won't know the term, but then those one or two are unlikely to be reading this sort of fiction.

"What are going to do with that?"


Um, isn't it slightly obvious? What else are you going to do with a camera other than take pictures? Maybe Scarlet wonders what Dan's going to take pictures of, but I doubt she's confused as to the use of a camera.

I couldn't really find any other nitpicks, but I think somebody said this needs to be longer? Maybe not necessarily, but I agree with them in some ways. Nothing much happens and I think you need to use language a bit more convincingly so we feel that this scene is more relevent. Take the camera flash. You could really get into the description there, but it's rather a missed opportunity. This is good, but that's really all it is. There's nothing in here that makes me go, "wow".

Except the telepathy. Touch on that once or twice more and you've got a proper hook. The one mention you make of it here seems quite random. I'm not saying explicitly describe it, but what we have here could just be a metaphor for their closeness. Actually, I'm not 100% sure it isn't just that.

Sorry this review isn't much help, but I can't put my finger on why I'm not jumping to get the next installment. In terms of writing, this is pretty good, but there's just more I think you can give. Good luck with it, anyways.

EDIT: Yep, I think Karsten got it in one. Lack of conflict. It doesn't have to be a physical problem to overcome, as I was once advised at school; an emotional conflict is just as viable. That's where my point about the language can come in. Use it to show that emotion. Thankies, Karsten. :)
Last edited by Jetpack on Mon Sep 07, 2009 3:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hi shanan-cat,

I could make a guess at what's bugging Jetpack here:

Jetpack wrote:Sorry this review isn't much help, but I can't put my finger on why I'm not jumping to get the next installment. In terms of writing, this is pretty good, but there's just more I think you can give.


Lack of conflict.

Conflict is an essential element of every story. It's what keeps the reader turning the page, heart in mouth and on the edge of their seat, wanting to know what happens next.

In this story: the weather's nice. The protagonist is crushing on a cute guy. She kisses him. Turns out he was crushing on her and waiting for her to kiss him. Everyone's happy.

That's the sum total of this piece - there's no conflict at all, internal or external, physical or emotional. There isn't even a brief moment of awkwardness. The protagonist isn't insecure about her crush, or worried about what the guy might think of her, or scared to kiss him, or freaking out about his reaction. The guy isn't even surprised to be randomly grabbed and kissed, there are no mixed feelings on his part, he doesn't feel insecure about admitting his crush on her. Everything is shiny and happy and perfect.

I'm not turning the page because I already know what happens next - things continue to be perfect. Even if there is conflict later on, later on is too late: the reader has already moved on to the next story.

Rewrite to add conflict, is my suggestion.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Karsten




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Sorry it's been so long since I've been on, I only have time to do so many things. Thanks a lot for th reviews, everyone! This piece I wrote in grade 8, which was a while a ago/. I just posted it for kicks. :) I wasn't expecting it to be a hit (for most people), but thanks for the expert advice. I wasn't going anywhere really with this piece. It was a dream I had and the girl wasn't me and the guy wasn't anyone I knew, I just thought it would be cool to write the dream down then post it to see if maybe I could do something with it.
I think I wrote the Chapter 2 to this story, but I may be wrong.

Thanks a load,
Shanan-Cat
"Laugh like no one can hear you, dance like no one is watching, and love like you're going to doe tomorrow." --Unknown



Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.
— David Foster Wallace