The Orphan

This is just a small bit of something I'm starting to write. It's very fast paced and short, but it's only the draft. I just wanted someones perspective on it. Thanks!

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She woke up, her hand falling off the edge of the bed. Her mom was calling for her from a distant land, reality. Her soft green eyes gently opened to reveal her mom's face, smiling down at her.

"Wake up, Emily." She whispered softly, her hand on her daughter's shoulder.

"Okay." she mumbled back, trying to remember what day of the week it was. Not a school day, that's for sure.

Once out of bed, Emily shuffled into the kitchen, yawning loudly. Her dad was bent over, peering into the fridge while her mom was bringing Emily her daily bowl of Cheerios. She stifled a yawn and took them from her mom.

"Are you ready to open birthday presents?" her mom asked, grinning proudly at her six year old.

"I forgot!" Emily yelped, throwing her cereal onto the table.The milk spilled loudly. Her tiny feet hopped around happily, making small thumping noises. Her brown hair, in pig-tails, swooshed around her face. The smile on her lips could have lighted an entire football field.

"Go get ready, Grandma's waiting." Her dad said, pouring himself some coffee.
Emily flung herself into her room, still hopping like a bunny. Her pig-tails starting to come out. She pulled her closet door open and looked up at her clothes. Emily walked over to her bed and took off three pillows that she then placed precariously on top of each other in front of the clothes she wanted. She stepped up onto her makeshift step-stool.

"I'll wear this and this." she said excitedly, picking out a light-blue sweatshirt and matching sweat pants. After getting dressed, she ran back into the kitchen, panting.
Though her parents were nowhere to be seen. She checked in the closet, the fridge, and even some cabinets that she could reach.

"Hello?" She called, cupping her small hands around her mouth like a megaphone. She heard hushed whispers coming from the living room. She ran in and smiled, looking around.

"Surprise!" Everyone yelled, flailing their arms. In their hands, each and every one of them had a present. An uncle, and aunt, a grandma, and grandpa. A dad, a mom, and an older brother. Emily grinned, showing all the gaps from her missing teeth.

"Well, are you going to open them?" Her brother asked impatiently, holding his present out to her. She took it greedily.

"Gimme` gimme`!" she said, ripping the paper off. Inside was a baby doll, holding a bottle. Emily's eyes gleamed almost as much as the plastic on the baby. She smiled and set the baby next to her, still in the box. "Next." she said, smiling.

After opening all her presents, Emily ended up with another baby doll, a coloring book with animals, underwear, (which she didn't care for) a water gun as big as her, and two perfume bottles that smelled like strawberries.As well as the entire house after she was through spraying it.

"This is the best birthday ever!" she screamed, clapping her hands madly. everyone cheered as she broke out into the happy birthday song.

"Are you ready for cake?" Her mom said sweetly, bringing out a large, double layered vanilla cake with six candles on them.

"Yes!" She called, bouncing over to it. She took two other seat cushions from other chairs so she could see the top of the cake. After they got finished singing Happy Birthday, she blew with all her might at the candles. They didn't go out. she blew again, and again, and again. They were trick candles.

"Why won't they go out?" she mumbled, disappointed. She picked one up and put it in front of her lips. She blew with all her might. It went out. It sparked.

"Her hair! It's on fire!" Someone yelled, picking her up. She dropped the now lit candle onto the floor, it caught the table cloth, setting it aflame.

"Call 911!" Someone else yelled. Emily's hair was now blazing fire. She was shoved into the sink, being soaked in tap water. The entire kitchen was on fire now. Emily looked around at everyone, she escaped the sink and ran for the door.

"Everyone! The door is open! We can get out!" She tried yelling over them.

"Call the police!"

"Where is the phone?"

"I'm on fire!"

"Me too!"

Everyone was yelling different things to one another. Emily gave up on trying to get their attention.She walked outside and to the mailbox, cowering behind the brick.

"Help." She muttered between clenched teeth.

She stopped hearing coughs and moans from inside the house. It turns out, a neighbor called 911. A half and hour later, they showed up. But it was too late. One second Emily was standing behind the mailbox, next, she was in a cop car. They drove her to a home.

"This is an orphanage. You'll be living here until a new family takes you in." A nice woman smiled down at Emily, her white teeth gleaming.

"I wanna go home." She murmured.

"I know." The woman replied, taking her to a room with another girl. She was sitting on her bed and was about Emily's age. The girl looked up from her book and smiled at Emily.

"Hi! I'm Cathy." She piped up, setting her book down faced down. She ran over to Emily and held her almond colored hand out. Emily shook it.

"I'm Emily." She mumbled, looking around at the three beds. Another girl was sleeping in one of them.

"That is your bed over there." The lady said, pointing to the only open one on the far side of the wall. Emily placed her self gently on it and began butt-bouncing on it, giggling happily. Cathy joined her and grinned every time her bottom hit a white pillow.

The woman left them in peace, shaking her head the whole way. At her desk, on a yellow post-it note, she wrote:
Get Emily Brown new clothes.

After putting the note on her computer, she resumed reading, listening self-consciously to the two girls bouncing.

I liked it, but I didn't quite get why her parents and everyone in the house were talking while they were on fire. It just seemed odd to me. Also I wondered why they couldn't hear her when she left out of the house and how she got down from the sink by herself with no one noticing. I aslo don't know about the adoption process, but wouldn't they tell her at least a little of what happened to her family. I guess the new clothes thing might come up later but I didn't get it.
I liked the story, but there seemed to be some holes.
Keep writing!

To me, it seemed that you were trying to get through the story as quick as possible. It would make no sense that a five year old would know to get out of the house, and everyone else would suddenly forget about saving their lives. It's very unlikely; especially since there are so many people in the house.

You could have at least one other kid make it out with her? A cousin? Her brother? Or you could have everyone rushing out to the door and have it suddenly collapse blocking the exit.

Also, it seems like the fire engine would get there sooner. Plus there should be some dialogue with Emily and the child welfare person in the car. Wouldn't Emily be worried? And when she says that Emily is going to an orphanage wouldn't she ask questions about her family? Her friends? Would she ever see them again?

Just take these things in, and I think your story can be improved a lot. Remember, just because it's a short story (or a first chapter) doesn't mean that it has to be super short.

Over all I liked it though...you had me smiling when she got her first present.

Keep me updated,
~Poem

Hey! I agree with what's been said previously, in that I thought this was interesting but it wasn't clear where it was going. Some of the stuff with the fire seemed rather implausible, and the ending seemed conclusive, which is odd because that doesn't seem like the end of the story. What's with the orphanage? Is it good or evil? Stuff like that. Overall, I quite liked it but it lacked... oomph, if you know what I mean.

I feel like you need some nitpicking advice, so here I go.

Her mom was calling for her from a distant land, reality. Her soft green eyes gently opened to reveal her mom's face, smiling down at her.

I like this opening, but your phrasing could be improved in the first sentence, like this: "Her mom was calling for her from a distant land - reality." And also, if she's just woken up and is yawning (as you state in the following bit) I would suggest putting "blearily" or "blurry" in the second sentence somewhere. That would make it seem more realistic.

"Wake up, Emily." She whispered softly, her hand on her daughter's shoulder.

"Okay." she mumbled back, trying to remember what day of the week it was. Not a school day, that's for sure.

A couple of things wrong with this. The first is me being picky: your piece is in the past tense, yet you put "that's for sure", which implies "that is" I would change it to "that was for sure".
The second is a problem you have throughout, which suggests you don't know this rule. In this case, I will explain it to you. When you have speech that has "she said" or "he whispered" etc directly after it, linked to the sentence (we call this a "speech tag") you have a comma at the end of the speech. also the beginning of the tag is not capitalised. So this section should be like this:
""Okay," she mumbled back, trying to remember what day of the week it was. Not a school day, that was for sure." OK?

"I forgot!" Emily yelped, throwing her cereal onto the table.The milk spilled loudly.

You do this a few times too: you need a space after the full stop here: "table. The" Also, does milk spill loudly? Or would it be the bowl that "clattered loudly against the table" for example?

Emily ended up with another baby doll, a coloring book with animals, underwear, (which she didn't care for) a water gun as big as her, and two perfume bottles that smelled like strawberries.As well as the entire house after she was through spraying it.

I would put your comma not after "underwear" but after the brackets: "underwear (which she did not care for), a water..." The space thing is here as well after strawberries, and I think the final sentence would sound better phrased like this: "...smelled like strawberries. And after she was through spraying it, so did the entire house."

They didn't go out. she blew again, and again, and again.

You need a capital on "she" - "She"

"Her hair! It's on fire!" Someone yelled, picking her up. She dropped the now lit candle onto the floor, it caught the table cloth, setting it aflame.

"Call 911!" Someone else yelled. Emily's hair was now blazing fire. She was shoved into the sink, being soaked in tap water. The entire kitchen was on fire now. Emily looked around at everyone, she escaped the sink and ran for the door.

OK, mini science lesson on what I know of hair and fire and whatnot. Hair burns exceedinly quickly. It fizzes, and once lit the flames shoot up each hair in less than a second. So whilst her whole head might be aflame, this wouldn't be for very long, and she would not be calm enough - and neither would her family - to get her to the sink, I don't think. Do you know "stop, drop and roll"? They'd pin her to the floor and suffocate the flames. At least, that's what I'd probably do.
Also, "The entire kitchen was on fire now." How much time has passed? In my head, this happens very fast indeed - so about five seconds at most have passed, and the whole kitchen's on fire? I don't think so. The tablecloth, maybe. But how many things in the kitchen are there that are this flammable? Not many in mine, so I would rethink this.

I'm going to stop there, because from that point on I felt that reality took a little walk. I don't mean this in a mean or harsh way - please don't think I'm being horrible! I just mean that I don't get a sense of "this could really happen!" It feels too unlikely, and there are a couple too many little holes in your plot. I know that you have to get the girl to the orphanage somehow, but I agree with imapoemperson in that you could easily extend the fire bit, make it more dramatic and plausible etc etc. Maybe use something other than her hair? Maybe there are some dried, dead flowers in a vase on the table and when the candle sparks they catch light?
Anyway, I liked it. I want to know where this is going very much, and please feel free to PM me when you write some more. And please do!!
~*cottonrulz*~

Don't get mad or anything, but this piece is amateur. What all the other reviewers are saying is definitely true. You need more voice, more sentence variety,and a more consistent plotline. Also, the main character's behavior does not strike me as the typical behavior of a five-year old. In fact Emily behaved more maturely than the adults when it came to fire safety. Why were the adults panicking instead of making sure the children were safely escorted outside? It just seemed like everyone was behaving this way just so the story could go down the predictable road it went.
Another thing: wouldn't a child as young as Emily be extremely frightened and inquisitive with regard to her family and home?Wouldn't she wonder why she was being taken to an orphanage? She wouldn't be as bubbly as you made her in the story- giggling happily while bouncing on a orphanage bed. These are just a few errors, but don't worry you have great potential. Keep writing and working at it and soon you'll be better. I'm no pro. We all have a long to go.

OK, its pretty good. I think it can go on some more, but also, I'd like to talk a little about fire...
First, I don't think that trick candles can cause the death of a family; like, unless the entire house was dry, then I think the flame might have been put out quickly.
So, if the candles is a little unbelievable, what does cause a fire that could kill so quickly?
-Radiators left too near, say, a book or a sweater.
-A cigarette that maybe had been left on the sofa (this actually has happened; in a couple of minutes, the entire room was aflame)
-A spark from a broken down computer that had been unnoticed.
But here's the thing; each one of them is unnoticed, because otherwise, it's easy to put it out.

Yeah. Also, some of the similes are a little unnecessary.
Sorry for going on about fire.

i really liked your story,but i feel it lacked emotions...

how did emily and her family catch fire so easily?

and why was everyone talking when they had caught fire? i feel you should make it all more clear.

there were a few grammatic mistakes in the story.

shouldn't you write about emily's feelings after her family died ?

but, i found your story good.