A Girl With Magic and Such (for Ellie's contest)

This is for ThornedRose's (Ellie's) contest, so it's extremely terrible. There's no need to review because it's supposed to bad.

Once upon a time in a small, tiny, miniscule, petite, insignificant town there was a small, tiny, miniscule, petite, insignificant pebble. The pebble was magical and glowed all the bright, colorful colors. It was the joy of the town and everyone worshipped it. I don’t know why they worshipped the pebble. Nobody ever tells me these kind of things. It’s stupid really, baut still… Back to the story.
One day a girl looked at the stone and knew, just knew. She suddenly glowed with power, power that could defeat any villan, monster, bad dude, meanie, or jerk. And she knew.
Then a cloud o evilness appeared over this small,, tiny, insignificant, miniscule, petite town and all the people were screaming and some just dropped dead when a lightning bolts hit them and the girl was scared but she knew, she just knew.
So she found her lover and told him.
The evilness cloud killed everyone in the town but her and her lover. It was a sad, terrible, misfortunous, dreadful, appalling, horrifying thing. But it happened. It just happened, just as she knew it would. Because she had powers. Yeah, you heard me right. She had powers that you can only dream of. POOR YOU.
Then the village elder came to her and told her that she was supposed to die. She cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. And then she cried some more. Lover felt sorry for her, so he sacrificed himself and jumped in the way when the lightning bolt came down. And then she cried and creid and cried and cried and cried and cried some more. It was another sad, misfortunous, terrible, dreadful, appaling, horrifying thing but she knew. She just knew.
And then the door flew open and she stared. He came towards her, white palms outward and a meanie, evil, red glare putting a hole in her forhead. At least, that’s what it felt like. Poor her.k
She jumped.
The battle over, she cried and cried and cried and cried some more. Everybody was dead except for her. Ghosts flew everywhere, blaming her for their death. And then she stood up and walked aweay, but that’s for another story and I’m not allowed to tell you about that, so sorry and I hope you’re nto angry but I have to listen to the rules and this is a sad story so you better be crying right now.
She tripped and fell, tumbling away into the next story.
THE END

I know I don't have to review but I get a sick thrill out of reading these things.
I thought It was hilarious; I hope you win.

Once upon a time in a small, tiny, miniscule, petite, insignificant town there was a small, tiny, miniscule, petite, insignificant pebble. The pebble was magical and glowed all the bright, colorful colors.

Colorful colors? Change colorful to vibrant.

I don’t know why they worshipped the pebble. Nobody ever tells me these kind of things. It’s stupid really, baut still… Back to the story.

I suppose some people would find this funny, but I personally found it a bit distracting.

Then a cloud o evilness appeared over this small,, tiny, insignificant, miniscule, petite town and all the people were screaming and some just dropped dead when a lightning bolts hit them and the girl was scared but she knew, she just knew.

You're doing way too much TELLING in this story and your narrative is greatly lacking in SHOWING. "This happened, then that happened, and then this..."

So she found her lover and told him.

Talk about a non-sequitur. I get the feeling this story is just going to be a string of nonsense.

The evilness cloud killed everyone in the town but her and her lover. It was a sad, terrible, misfortunous, dreadful, appalling, horrifying thing.

The second sentence is completely overdone and utterly unneccessary.

Then the village elder came to her and told her that she was supposed to die. She cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. And then she cried some more. Lover felt sorry for her, so he sacrificed himself and jumped in the way when the lightning bolt came down. And then she cried and creid and cried and cried and cried and cried some more. It was another sad, misfortunous, terrible, dreadful, appaling, horrifying thing but she knew. She just knew.

The prose is awful. Try reading all the cries in this paragraph to yourself and notice how unsmooth it sounds. You are restating the obvious in this paragraph, things that a four year should already know if he read this much. I find the tone of the story extremely patronizing and condescending, and I don't like it.

The story was utterly pointless and it was lacking in every imaginable respect.It had no real conclusion, and saying that the characters were one-dimensional would be flattering. I've read stories with patronizing tones before, but this was too patronizing even for a five-year old. You treated the reader like an automaton.

Perhaps you got the impression this story was clever when you wrote it because it was utter nonsense. But making a story absurd does not always make it funny. You actually need to know what you are doing with the story. The great humor writers did not write funny stories just by writing nonsequential strings of events. And when they did, it was to create a point, such as the meaningless and needless complications of the universe, like in The Hitchhikers Guide To Galaxy.

Syte, sorry to point this out but the story is supposed to be terrible. That's the point!

It was very bad by the way, xD. Which in this case is a compliment ...

Aqua X

Loved "misfortunous".

Thank you, thank you.

I totally wrote it just a few minutes.

And, Syte, it is supposed to be terrible.

syte.. LOL

I thought it was good, just got kinda tired of words repeating themselves. But other then that it was very creative, and enjoying. =)

Your right, that was bad. In fact, I loved it!!!

Hey, I'm Gen. I'm going to review your work. I'll start with some nit-picking, and at the end will be my personal opinion and comment.

The pebble was magical and glowed all the bright, colorful colors.

That's the first time I've ever heard anyone say colorful colors.

I don’t know why they worshipped the pebble. Nobody ever tells me these kind of things. It’s stupid really, baut still… Back to the story.

Here is just a simple typo; but is spelled wrong, so is worshiped.

One day a girl looked at the stone and knew, just knew. She suddenly glowed with power, power that could defeat any villan, monster, bad dude, meanie, or jerk. And she knew.

What did she know, maybe she should know that she suddenly glowed with power. It doesn't sound right that she just suddenly knows, and that she glows with power, you need to tell us what she knows, and why she glows with power. Also you spelled villain wrong.

Then a cloud o evilness appeared over this small,, tiny, insignificant, miniscule, petite town and all the people were screaming and some just dropped dead when a lightning bolts hit them and the girl was scared but she knew, she just knew.

Again, I want to know what she knows, or at least you should give the reader a clue. I get it that you want to push how small the town is, but it is a little repetitive, you don't need to remove the extra description, unless that's not what your going for. Simple grammar errors have been made, I feel you should have edited your work with a little more purpose. I get it's not supposed to be great, but what is the harm in fixing it now? Also, it should be a cloud of evilness, not o. Should be a comma between this part "some just dropped dead when a lightning bold hit them , and the girl was scared but she knew, she just knew.

So she found her lover and told him.

OK, so she has a lover, what about him? Who is he? What does he look like? Are they married, engaged? I really want you to expand.

The evilness cloud killed everyone in the town but her and her lover. It was a sad, terrible, misfortunous, dreadful, appalling, horrifying thing. But it happened. It just happened, just as she knew it would. Because she had powers. Yeah, you heard me right. She had powers that you can only dream of. POOR YOU.

Misfortunous? That's a new one. This story appears to be a bit of a nonsense story, it's kind of cool in that way, but it would be better if your descriptions were more subtle, and flowing. What were her powers? How could they defy evil, yet not save her small town (from a CLOUD)!?!?

Then the village elder came to her and told her that she was supposed to die. She cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. And then she cried some more. Lover felt sorry for her, so he sacrificed himself and jumped in the way when the lightning bolt came down. And then she cried and creid and cried and cried and cried and cried some more. It was another sad, misfortunous, terrible, dreadful, appaling, horrifying thing but she knew. She just knew.

OK, so the village elder comes, I thought everyone was dead? You also spelled cried wrong, and comma's should separate "and cried, and cried" etc. Lover? I think it should be Her lover, unless of course her lovers name is lover, is it? Misfortunous? Appalling was spelled wrong, and should be corrected.

And then the door flew open and she stared. He came towards her, white palms outward and a meanie, evil, red glare putting a hole in her forhead. At least, that’s what it felt like. Poor her.k

"The door flew open", what door? Who is he? How can she see his palms? Is he gliding aimlessly towards her like a zombie (to explain the palms)? I'm pretty sure you can't have a meanie glare, you can have a mean one, but not a meanie one. How can a glare put a hole in her forehead? (By the way you spelled that wrong too.) It could feel as though his eyes were looking right through her skull, but I don't think it could put a hole there. I don't understand the extra k at the end either, that needs to be corrected.

She jumped.

Where does she jump? Does she lunge at him? Does she jump out of his way? I need to know.

The battle over, she cried and cried and cried and cried some more. Everybody was dead except for her. Ghosts flew everywhere, blaming her for their death. And then she stood up and walked aweay, but that’s for another story and I’m not allowed to tell you about that, so sorry and I hope you’re nto angry but I have to listen to the rules and this is a sad story so you better be crying right now.

How is the battle over, all you've told us is that she jumps. Away and not were spelled wrong. How is her standing up and walking away a new story? If she trod off in to dark despair and suddenly stopped and screamed for before her lay... To say it's another story you need a cliff-hanger to build suspense, or else there is no other story.

She tripped and fell, tumbling away into the next story.

I like the last line, it's funny and cute.

THE END

Why did you end your story with "THE END" when you already talked about how it's not the end, and how there is another story to follow.

All in all I think you grammar was atrocious, your spelling DEFINITELY needed spell checking, but at the same time, the nonsense of the story kept me hooked. I liked the craziness to it. I do feel that if you want us to be sympathetic toward the death and despair, you should have slowly let that happen, not make it all crash down in one or two sentences. I don't think you could make another story considering the way you ended it. All the things I said you could have substituted your words for are just suggestions, and were the first things that came to mind, if you thought more thoroughly about it I'm sure you could do a much better job.

Saph...or Mira...or...Saphmira!

As discussed previously in other discussions and in this case, another website compeltely, I am here by your request to review this piece of...literature.

Hmm...With my new sense of writing, I can clearly see what you are doing wrong. By George, there's this and that and this and---

Yeah, you heard me right.

I don't hear you at all. I'm sorry, but you may have to speak up. I believe I may be going slightly deaf.

POOR YOU.

oh my dear, you've done that terribly wrong.

*Throws hands into the air*

I've done all I can. This story is completly hopeless. Even my newly honed writing skills cannot fix it. I'm sorry, you are on your own

Told ya I'd do it

The crippled (for now),

Meadow.

Hahahahhahaa - Absoloutely hilarious.
Thanks for that, you really have made my day!

Haha this was very good...and bad at the same time I think its very funny when you say don't review and all these people review for you anyway haha I'm one of these, because I couldn't resist the temptation...sorry
I love it though