Childs play part two point five

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Child’s Play Part Two Point Five (another transition piece)
*It has come to my attention that Child’s Play is a really unoriginal title. Does someone want to help me by listing some other ones? Ones that fit my story, obviously.*
For language and reference to fetuses ;)
I dedicate this section to Andrea, who is my Cecilia.

Mimi lay on the wooden floor, curled up like a frozen fetus; disgusting and half-formed. She gazed absentmindedly at the creaking clouds outside of her window; they looked so fake, like a set painted for a play. She could swear they were made of wood. The room was so hot. She felt the heat swarm around her; press against her eyelids. She could practically see the room softening, changing shape. The clouds seemed to groan under the weight of the atmosphere.
She felt the heat slither around her ankles and up each tender vertebra until it was writhing against the back of her head, tightening around her neck like a noose. The clouds outside waved gaily as the swung closer, still groaning; now in the ecstasy of anticipation.
The walls were melting before her eyes.
And the heat—
She clamped her eyes shut but nothing would help, nothing would alleviate the heat. The walls were moving closer; they were sliding, now dripping towards her. The heat was clamping against her chest; squeezing against her ribcage. She couldn’t hear her pulse over the sound of the walls oozing. The smell of melted paint and hot plaster was unbearable. The clouds outside her window were snapping, popping, breaking; splitting into a thousand splintered thoughts; falling like February rain. She was shivering, wheezing, waiting for the walls and the sky to collapse and crush her--- and the noise; it was ringing now, so loudly it jarred her brain against the sides of her skull. Again, and again, it was getting louder and more violent. Ringing like… a telephone?

Mimi picked up the receiver; it was on the desk above her. “Fuck you.” Her voice was hoarse and her hand was sliding across the plastic handle of the phone; every pore in her body was secreting sweat.

“Mimi? What kind of hello is that?! I carved some time out of my ridiculously busy life to check up on you, and that's how you thank me? Bihaj. How was your day, are you making any progress? Are the therapists nice? And where were you? I called about twenty times.” Cecilia’s chirpy voice helped fizzle the hallucination. Mimi stood up, slowly, no longer hot but shaking and woozy.

“Right here. Under the phone. I couldn’t hear it over the walls melting and the sky falling.” Mimi looked around the room once again. Not such a bad suite, after all. Especially when it had four sturdy, solid walls and a window depicting handful of light weight clouds frolicking across an airy blue sky.

“Calm down, Mimi. You always get overexcited.” Cecilia had an edge to her voice that sounded tired, impatient. Like the parent who doesn’t want to hear about the monster in their child’s closet; the parent who can’t understand that even if the monster isn’t there, the fear is so real that their children lie in bed every night, ravaged by terror and praying for the footsteps of dawn.

“Thank you, Cecilia. I think that’s the most provocative, insightful thing anyone’s said to me today. Over-excitement? Is that what it was, Cecilia? Is that what happened when I—” Mimi’s voice had steadily gotten louder until it cracked and she broke off, fuming.

Cecilia heaved a dramatic sigh.

Milanka could picture Cecilia standing in front of her body-length mirror; rolling her eyes at her tanned, toned reflection and sneering at Mimi’s anger. “Mimi, puh-lease. I am not trying to dissect you. I just wanted to know if you were alright.”

“Honestly? Truthfully? I like it here. I didn’t think I would find people that were just as messed up as I am; then I met Lilith the cutter and… Priyesh Jahimm. Try to guess what Priyesh is.”
Mimi waited and wondered idly if Cecilia was messaging her boyfriend; if she was sexting while talking to Mimi about her problems. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“Shit, Mimi, I don’t want to think about—”

“Then hang up and find a new best friend, Cecilia. Or else take a guess.” Mimi inspected her room while she waited for an answer.

The floor had long since lost its varnish. It was a raw oak now, the kind of wood that splinters and nips into your flesh, with all sorts of obscenities carved into it.
David won’t be able to suck pussy at the end the rope I hung him with. Fuck Herbert Hoover with a lamppost. I want to plunge a screwdriver into my chest. Hell is where the heart is.
Mimi nodded sympathetically at the miseries and triumphs impressed into the pliable oak like the hieroglyphics of a long-lost civilization; once powerful and feared, now completely irrelivant. She shivered and swung her eyes to another spot on the floor.

There was a sickly pink stain near the painted-shut window, probably from nail lacquer, and a more prominent, darker stain near the bathroom door; most definitely from Lilith. There was an offensive odor about the place: that of irrelevant ecstasy, of dreadful elation, of blood and laughter and insanity. It seemed to be spewing from the walls, an aspirin-white that was anything but sterile. The atmosphere was a fusion between an opium den and a dentist’s office.

Mimi felt the sound of Cecilia’s voice before she heard it; pulsating through the phone, strumming into her ear, the trembling rhythm of anxiety.

“I give up. Tell me Mimi.” Cecilia’s voice was nervous, strained.

“No. But I’ll give you a hint. He has expensive dental implants. And one side of his neck is red and swollen.”

“Oh god, that’s awful… just tell me so we can end this conversation.” Cecilia sounded very, very sorry that she had bothered to call.

“Why? You don’t want to know. You can’t stand to hear about the people I have to live with every day.” There was silence on the other end.

Mimi loathed Cecilia, at that exact moment, more than she hated Chuck and the parents that sent her to Jeremiad’s School For Distinguished Students and the society she rebelled against and the boy she had throttled in the dead of night.

“He’s an addict. A heroine addict who has shot up in so many of his veins that most of them collapsed; and the ones that still function don’t give him enough rush. He’s got a swollen neck, Cecilia, because he takes a syringe full of heroine and injects it into his jugular.” Mimi was choking,gagging on the words and the thoughts she had tried to suppress for too long. They filled up her mouth like black bile and spewed into the telephone.
“And you know what the best part of this fuckfest is, Cecilia? I wish I was him. I wish my problem was something stupid and simple like addiction; or mundane as dragging a knife across my flesh. Because this… this sickness that I have? It’s never going to get better. Did you hear me, Cecilia? I’m confined to this place for life. And then some.”

Mimi heard a small pause and then a click; felt her heartbeat accelerate as she listened to the bleating dial tone.

“Shit no, Cecilia. Come back. I’m sorry Cecilia, come back so I can tell you whatever you want to hear; only don’t leave me, not now, not alone in this place. I’m getting better… Jesus, I’m practically ready to come home. A few weeks at most. I hate it here; the kids are freaks and I know I don’t belong I’m not hopeless like they are. With some therapy I could be out of here in less that a month. I’m going to recover. Cecilia? Please… Cecilia. CECILIA!”

She frantically redialed and held her breath as she listened to the phone ring. And ring. And ring.

“Cecilia here! I’m away right now but if you leave a message I’ll be sure to call you back.”

Mimi ripped the phone out of the wall and hurled it across the room. It didn’t smash, as she would have hoped, but landed upside-down and lay there like a turtle on its back: a little dented and out of order but not in the least disgraced.

Mimi was not an attractive crier. She had a red, splotchy, greasy face and a tendency to gurgle and hiccup. Her mouth would hang open slightly; forming words that never materialized. Smashing her head between her knees and pulling at her face with fat, pink fingers; she burbled out some incomprehensible curses between moans of despair. Her sobs were punctuated by the sound of slurping; sucking the snot back into her nose.

The truly sad part wasn’t that Mimi had lost her best friend. Milanka was crying because she now understood.
She never really had one.
Last edited by empressoftheuniverse on Mon Jan 04, 2010 5:23 am, edited 12 times in total.
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Yo! I's be back!

I. NITPICKS

if she was sexting


I wondered if this was a typo, or just your way of saying "having text sex." :P

The floor had long since lost its varnish; it was a raw oak; the kind of wood that splinters and nips into your flesh, with all sorts of obscenities carved into it. David won’t be able to suck pussy at the end the rope I hung him with. Fuck Herbert Hoover with a lamppost. I want to plunge a screwdriver into my chest. Hell is where the heart is. There was a sickly pink stain near the painted-shut window; probably from nail lacquer; and a more prominent, darker stain near the bathroom door; most definitely from Lilith. There was an offensive odor about the place; that of irrelevant ecstasy; of dreadful elation; of blood and laughter and insanity. It seemed to be spewing from the walls; an aspirin-white that was anything but sterile. The atmosphere was a fusion between an opium den and a dentist’s office.


Like the passage with Lilith last time, I don't understand how we're seeing this, or quite what we're seeing. I don't know, I'm maybe just dim, but it's just a bit strange...

Okay...

I don't actually have any particular issues with this one, so I suppose I'll go on...

II. OVERALL

I like your style, you manage description very well, and your characters are good. I honestly think your main problem is being too confusing. Maybe I'm just not picking up on things, but I'd like to know, why is she hallucinating? What's that thing about hanging David?

Other than that, I really do enjoy this.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Yes, sexting does mean sex texting.
I'm trying to keep you waiting. Answering one question while revealing another. I don't anyone to get bored with my story!
You actually caught on to two very important details: that particular phrase in the floorboards and Mimi's uncontrollable seizures. That's why this is a transition piece.
Do you have a good title for my story??
Thank you so much Stella. You're always a superb help. :mrgreen:
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That was defiantly a fast paced ride! Before I knew it, I was at the bottom :smt101

Lets see if I can whip out some advanced critique powers (warning, may tear literary works to pieces!)

Mimi lay on the wooden floor; curled up like a frozen fetus: disgusting and half-formed.

Wait what? I get the fetus part, but after the colon it gets confusing. She looked disgusting and half-formed? Figuratively or literally?

The room was so hot; she felt the heat swarm around her; press against her eyelids. She could practically see the room softening, changing shape. The clouds seemed to groan under the weight of the atmosphere.

This sentence looks like it would do better earlier in paragraph, next to the other cloud descriptions.

...jarred her brain against the sides of her skull.

That could've been worded better, but maybe that's just me.

Ringing like…. a telephone?

Extra period :P

“Fuck you.”

I'm liking this story.

I think that’s the most provoking, insightful thing anyone’s said to me today.
Perhaps provocative would've been a better word here?

Milanka could picture standing in front of the mirror; rolling her eyes at her tanned, toned reflection and sneering at Mimi’s anger.

In between picture and standing did you mean to put "her," to make picture her standing?

sexting

I laughed out loud :lol:

The floor had long since lost its varnish; it was a raw oak; the kind of wood that splinters and nips into your flesh, with all sorts of obscenities carved into it. David won’t be able to suck pussy at the end the rope I hung him with. Fuck Herbert Hoover with a lamppost. I want to plunge a screwdriver into my chest. Hell is where the heart is. There was a sickly pink stain near the painted-shut window; probably from nail lacquer; and a more prominent, darker stain near the bathroom door; most definitely from Lilith. There was an offensive odor about the place; that of irrelevant ecstasy; of dreadful elation; of blood and laughter and insanity. It seemed to be spewing from the walls; an aspirin-white that was anything but sterile. The atmosphere was a fusion between an opium den and a dentist’s office.

This long paragraph both grammatically intrigues and scares me. The semi-colons aren't really necessary (and rarely are in a literary short). I also didn't understand (until I read further) that what was being said was actually carved into the wood.

You could try:
redo wrote:Eventually Mimi's eyes wandered to the floor. Poor thing had long since lost its varnish. It was raw unfinished oak, the kind of wood that splinters and nips into your flesh as you walk across it. She noticed words carved into the wood and squinted at them, phone still at her ear.
Her eyebrow climbed higher and higher after every phrase. David won’t be able to suck pussy at the end the rope I hung him with. Fuck Herbert Hoover with a lamppost. I want to plunge a screwdriver into my chest. Hell is where the heart is.
She rolled her eyes, continuing her optical exploration. She found a sickly pink stain near the room's only window -- painted shut for her convenience, of course.
Probably from nail lacquer
Near the bathroom door she found a darker more prominent stain -- most definitely from Lilith. There was an offensive odor about the place -- that of irrelevant ecstasy, of dreadful elation, of blood and laughter and insanity. It seemed to be spewing from the pale aspirin-white walls themselves, which were meant to seem "sterile." The designers failed miserably. The atmosphere was a fusion between an opium den and a dentist’s office.

Take that custom "redo" as you will. I hope it's at least of some use. Semi-colons are not the answer 8)

Mimi felt the sound of Cecilia’s voice before she heard it; pulsating through the phone, strumming into her ear; the trembling rhythm of anxiety.

I could feel this as I read it. Awesome imagery here!

No. But I’ll give you a hint. He has expensive dental implants. And one side of his neck is red and swollen.

Every time you start a sentence with a word like "And," you could have almost always just concatenated, or removed the "And" all together and have your writing make more sense than before. It's not really a problem, but something to be looked out for :P

Mimi loathed Cecilia at that moment more than she hated Chuck and the parents that sent her to Jeremiad’s School and the society she rebelled against and the boy she had throttled in the dead of night.

Could've been worded better.

He’s an addict. A heroine addict who has shot up in so many of his veins that most of them collapsed; and the ones that still function don’t give him enough rush. He’s got a swollen neck, Cecilia, because he takes a syringe full of heroine and injects it into his jugular.” Mimi was choking; gagging on the words and the thoughts she had tried to suppress for too long; they filled up her mouth like black bile and spewed into the telephone.

*Takes away semicolon license* No more for you :lol: ! Try rewriting this paragraph without semicolons.

...telephone.

“And you...

Unnecessary return here.

Mimi heard a small pause and then a click; felt her heartbeat accelerate as she listened to the bleating dial tone...hear; only... hate it here; the kids... I don’t belong; I’m...

You know what I'm about to say.

...Mimi ripped the phone out of the wall and hurled it across the room. It didn’t smash, as she would have hoped, but landed upside-down and lay there like a turtle on its back; a little dented and out of order but not in the least disgraced.

The imagery from the first half is amazing. You really have a nack for this :)
The semicolon in the latter half could be phased out, however.

...hang open slightly; forming...pink fingers; she burbled...sound of slurping; sucking...now understood; she never really had one.

The underlined part would have more of an impact on its own line, IMHO. Without that semicolon license, those super commas got to go!

While the aesthetics could use a bit of work, I loved the plot line, the slowly blossoming characters, the simple yet intricate (I know right) world... the story as a whole was amazing. So much emotion in such a little space.

PM me when the next one comes out, I'd love it read it!
Last edited by Xunnamius on Thu Sep 17, 2009 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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He'll be back. I promise!


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Hey I'm not really here with as many nitpicks as the rest of these good people, but I did want to let you know how intrigued I am by this story. I've read both chapters and see a general plot, but you're very good at leaving just enough that I still know things, but need to keep going to the next chapter. Congrats on that, it's something I'm still working very hard on. :)

A few things I loved: the fetus reference,because I mean really, who uses that? Correct answer:you do! And it made me almost laugh.
Sexting was pretty great too.
Also, "Fuck Herbert Hoover with a lampost" made me laugh.

I think that's what I enjoy about your writing. Even though it's very dark, and mildly depressing, it still has a sarcastic biting sense of humor. Well, I'll certainly be looking for the next chapter.
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This...was wicked cool, empress!!
I'm loving your story. YOu have such incredible descriptions and Mimi's character is awesome; the imagery you created was outstanding you really get the reader inside the story feeling as Mimi is feeling and seeing Mimi talking repidly thorugh the phone, gagging and then asking for her friend.

I'll just point our something.

Mimi lay on the wooden floor, curled up like a frozen fetus; disgusting and half-formed

I don't understand why she thinks she is disgusting and half-formed, maybe a bit more explanation.

And the heat—
She clamped her eyes shut but nothing would help, nothing would alleviate the heat. The walls were moving closer; they were sliding, now dripping towards her. The heat was clamping against her chest; squeezing against her ribcage. She couldn’t hear her pulse over the sound of the walls oozing. The smell of melted paint and hot plaster was unbearable. The clouds outside her window were snapping, popping, breaking; splitting into a thousand splintered thoughts; falling like February rain. She was shivering, wheezing, waiting for the walls and the sky to collapse and crush her--- and the noise; it was ringing now, so loudly it jarred her brain against the sides of her skull. Again, and again, it was getting louder and more violent. Ringing like… a telephone?

I loved this one, you made me feel like Mimi, somehow despertae to get ut of there but helpless and...going nuts!!

Milanka could picture Cecilia standing in front of her body-length mirror; rolling her eyes at her tanned, toned reflection and sneering at Mimi’s anger. “Mimi, puh-lease. I am not trying to dissect you. I just wanted to know if you were alright.”

Another excellent piece. Cecilia...brat.

sexting

YOu should still put sex texting, it sounds more clear.

“He’s an addict. A heroine addict who has shot up in so many of his veins that most of them collapsed; and the ones that still function don’t give him enough rush. He’s got a swollen neck, Cecilia, because he takes a syringe full of heroine and injects it into his jugular.” Mimi was choking,gagging on the words and the thoughts she had tried to suppress for too long. They filled up her mouth like black bile and spewed into the telephone.
“And you know what the best part of this fuckfest is, Cecilia? I wish I was him. I wish my problem was something stupid and simple like addiction; or mundane as dragging a knife across my flesh. Because this… this sickness that I have? It’s never going to get better. Did you hear me, Cecilia? I’m confined to this place for life. And then some.”

I love this part, is awesome. I liked the feeling, the imagery, everything.

“Then hang up and find a new best friend, Cecilia. Or else take a guess.

Id' like to know how her voice sounded or how did she look, but ceause what follows is a description of the room

So this is all.I actually pointed out the parts I liked the most. Girl! YOu have a fan here!!

Keep me updated in this.
XOXO
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Monotone.

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FANTASTIC!!!!!!! :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant:
That is all I realy have to say!!!!!

FANTASTIC!!!!
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FANTASTIC!!!!!!! :elephant: :elephant: :elephant: :elephant:
That is all I realy have to say!!!!!

FANTASTIC!!!!
"We are creatures of the under world, we can't afford to be loved" - Moulin Rouge




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Hey, sorry it took so long to get this review done but you know how life can get sometimes. Any who, I read the other parts and enjoyed them tons, I think I'm going to start following along. Anyways you asked me to focus on dialogue and a title, and so that's what I'm going to do (as everyone else seems to have covered everything else).

DIALOGUE

I actually think your dialog is in pretty good shape, but here's somethings to make it a bit more realistic:

empressoftheuniverse wrote:Mimi picked up the receiver; it was on the desk above her. “Fuck you.” Her voice was hoarse and her hand was sliding across the plastic handle of the phone; every pore in her body was secreting sweat.

“Mimi? What kind of hello is that?! It’s me, Cecilia. How was your day, are you making any progress? Are the therapists nice? And where were you? I called about twenty times.” Cecilia’s chirpy voice helped fizzle the hallucination. Mimi stood up, slowly, no longer hot but shaking and woozy.


I like how she answers the phone, it's simple and to the point and I could easily imagine someone in her position doing that as I tend to answer the phone "What?!" when I'm mad at the person calling. lolz.
Anyways, since they're such great friends I think you can take out the "It's me, Cecilia." As most people don't do that (at least that I know) unless it's the first time calling them and they're a new friend.

“Right here. Under the phone. I couldn’t hear it over the walls melting and the sky falling.” Mimi looked around the room once again; not such a bad suite, after all. Especially when since it had four sturdy, solid* walls and a window depicting handful of light weight clouds frolicking across an airy blue sky.


*Pick one or the other, as both mean, more or less, the same thing.

Like the parent who doesn’t want to hear about the monster in their child’s closet; the parent who can’t understand that even if the monster isn’t there, the fear is so real that their children lie in bed every night, ravaged by terror and praying for the footsteps of dawn.


I like this bit^

“He’s an addict. A heroine addict who has shot up in so many of his veins that most of them collapsed; and the ones that still function don’t give him enough rush. He’s got a swollen neck, Cecilia, because he takes a syringe full of heroine and injects it into his jugular.” Mimi was choking,gagging on the words and the thoughts she had tried to suppress for too long. They filled up her mouth like black bile and spewed into the telephone.
“And you know what the best part of this fuckfest is, Cecilia? I wish I was him. I wish my problem was something stupid and simple like addiction; or mundane as dragging a knife across my flesh. Because this… this sickness that I have? It’s never going to get better. Did you hear me, Cecilia? I’m confined to this place for life. And then some.”

Okay, I'm going to stop here to mention that Cecilia and Mimi say each others names way more times then necessary. And about 80% of those times should be taken out, except for here, because when people get mad it seems more natural to say the person they're yelling at's name.

“Shit no. Cecilia, come back. I’m sorry Cecilia, come back so I can tell you whatever you want to hear. only don’t leave me, not now, not alone in this place. I’m getting better… Jesus, I’m practically ready to come home. A few weeks at most. I hate it here; the kids are freaks and I know I don’t belong; I’m not hopeless like they are. With some therapy I could be out of here in less that a month. I’m going to recover. Cecilia? Please… Cecilia. CECILIA!”


Overall you actually write character's interacting a lot better then most people do, so keep it up. :smt023

TITLES

Okay for titles, I'm going to go with something simple that focus's on what I see as being the main plot (A girl's experiences at an asylum) like:

Mimi's Asylum
Mimi's Disease
Jeremiad’s School For Distinguished Students
(In)sanity in the Eye of the Beholder

...

That's all I can come up with, but as I read more I'll let you know what else I can think of. =]

I hope this was helpful and as always DFTBA,

- Stevie

This has been a Red Ink Review. ;-]
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LOVED it!!! I think this is my favorite part of the story so far, probably because I can relate to the whole "never even had a best friend" thing. I had a moment like that just recently, so that part really struck a chord with me. And along with the others, I totally laughed at sexting. Loved that. And "Fuck Herbert Hoover with a lampost" was hilarious! It was just one of those totally out of the blue, WTF moments that are so frickin' funny! Honestly, I think that's my favorite kind of humor.

Anyway, as before, all the little nit picky things were taken care of, and your writing just gets better and better with each installment! Please PM me when you post the next part because I absolutely love this story! (And if you've already posted it and I've failed to notice, I apologize for my stupidity. :lol: )

As for title suggestions, I'm never very good at coming up with perfect titles but I'll still give a suggestion: Hell is Where the Heart is. I don't know if that's what you're looking for, but I tend to like using a small detail, yet still large enough that it can encompass so much from the story, as a title. Hope I helped!

~Becki
P.S. You get a gold star!



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