To The Land Of The Deep By:R.A.Bays

As the snow falls it turns red against the blood of that monstrous creature I killed.It arose from the water in Innsmouth and traveled south.till it reach Arkham where I faced that thing.it reeked of fish which wasn't surprising seeing it came by Dagon's orders.they are called "Deep Ones" those hellish fish-like beasts took my daughter and after killing this one I knew what i had to do.

I would have to face these...these things on their own turf."Where are you going hunny?" my wife Violet called to me from the kitchen."out to the pub." I lied for she had not seen that beast nor would she believe me if i were to tell her.

Most people in Arkham avoided Innsmouth.calling it an accursed town full of damned people.
But for once I had to travel there for that is where the den of these creatures are.the only protection I had with me was a book given to me by my friend Simon who told me here to find these beasts.

The book itself was old and leather like in feel though I could tell it was not bound in leather.he bookmarked two pages off. One to combat those horrid fiends who took my daughter from me and one to save my soul should the frist spell fail.I looked at the road sign it read " Two Miles to Innsmouth" two miles to my destiny....two miles to the land of the deep.

When I arrived at Innsmouth it looked like a ghost town.there was no one in sight.but I could tell they were watching like they knew why I was here.as I approached the docks i noticed two bums by a barrel fire. I thought nothing of them til I passed by and caught the sent of fish...no the sent of those creatures.I turned around snatching the book Simon gave me from my inside jacket pocket but it was to late.

The two i had mistaken as bums were right on top of me.one tried to grab me but I easily dodge it. But not the other one who came up behind me and struck me in the back of the head.before I blacked out i manage to struggle out the second spell Simon gave to me."Innicto Vintolum Ni'col".

When I awoke they were burning my book and something that look reminiscent of a body.what i noticed next horrified me more then anything else i could of seen in my life time and that is it was my body that was in the fire."but if that is my body then..where..am..I?" I asked myself.I lifted my right hand and noticed it was webbed."no...oh god no!" i screamed at the top of the lungs.the other beings turned and began to laugh at the horrid thing that had happen to me.the i herd a familiar voice from behind me say"I told you it would only save your soul.".then everything went crimson then forever dark. Now I was the slain creature laying in it's own blood.here in the land of the deep.

Yo Bays!

I’m not sure whether you’re continuing with this. You have quite a few threads left hanging but it could still work if you left it like this. However, I’m going to assume that you are continuing and this is just the first chapter of a longer story.

First of all, you need to slow the pace. Your main guy – it’d be nice to know his name, by the way – has killed a creature, then he’s suddenly at home with his wife, then he’s in some town with a random book that his friend’s given him. We only know as much as you tell us and if you go too fast, we don’t get a very clear picture of what’s happening. I’d like to know about his family, about Violet and the guy’s daughter. Considering that his daughter is the reason he’s going after these fish things, he doesn’t seem too beat up about her being taken by the fish beast.

When you say “she was taken” does that mean that the beast carried her off a la King Kong, or that it actually killed her? You really should clarify that because it would give a much clearer picture of the guy’s motives. If she was carried off and might still be alive, then his fate at the end of this chapter becomes a lot more worrying. How’s he going to find and save his daughter now he’s become this fish-demon-thing? If she’s dead, though, we might get the feeling that he doesn’t care as much as he might otherwise. Maybe that was the reason he was careless when going out. Maybe he wanted to die because of his grief. See what I mean? By leaving that detail open you create too many possibilities, but by closing it, you give us a greater insight into your character’s actions.

So slow the pace down. Describe the scene more. As your readers, we’re completely blind here; we can only see through your words and right now, I can’t see much. I’ve no idea what the towns are like, what the weather’s like, what the people look like. Your character has killed a monster, which makes me think this is like a medieval fantasy setting: tunics, thatched roofs, the black plague. Then you mentions bums at a barrel fire and that makes me picture a much more modern place: a scummy, rundown city run by mob bosses and corrupt politicians. So I have no idea where and when everything’s happening.

Also, the characters. The main guy is rather boring at present. We don’t know his name, we don’t know anything about him. His wife doesn’t seem to care that their daughter’s gone. Does she know? It’d be interesting if she didn’t, and he was keeping it a secret from her. Maybe they’re estranged, so she doesn’t keep in touch with her daughter that much? Said daughter is also paper-flat right now. We don’t know her name or anything. Surely if her father is obsessed with getting her back, he’d be thinking about her all the time – her hair, her smile, her eyes, her talk, is she a good girl, is she disobedient, what she was like when she was little.

One thing I really did like was that you had someone called “Dagon” behind the fish-beasts – is that a reference to the god Dagon? because that’d be really cool. ^_^ But why is one of your towns called Arkham? It’s the same name as the famous asylum in Batman, so you really should change that.

So! Slow down, take a breath once a while and look around. Add in spice and details, let us know your characters, and PM me if you have any questions!

This isn't very long, so I'll just quote it all and focus on grammer...

As the snow falls it turns red against the blood of that monstrous creature I killed. It arose from the water in Innsmouth and traveled south. 'Till it reach Arkham where I faced that thing. It reeked of fish which wasn't surprising seeing it came by Dagon's orders. They are called "Deep Ones" those hellish fish-like beasts took my daughter and after killing this one I knew what I had to do.

I would have to face these...these things on their own turf. "Where are you going, hunny?" my wife Violet called to me from the kitchen.

"Out to the pub." I lied for she had not seen that beast nor would she believe me if I were to tell her.

Most people in Arkham avoided Innsmouth. Calling it an accursed town full of damned people.

But for once I had to travel there for that is where the den of these creatures [s]are[/s]is. The only protection I had with me was a book given to me by my friend Simon who told me where to find these beasts.

The book itself was old and leather like in feel though I could tell it was not bound in leather. He had bookmarked two pages off. One to combat those horrid fiends who took my daughter from me and one to save my soul should the frist spell fail. I looked at the road sign it read "Two Miles to Innsmouth". Two miles to my destiny..[s].[/s].two miles to the land of the deep.
When using elipses (the three consecutive dots) only three are required.

When I arrived at Innsmouth it looked like a ghost town. There was no one in sight, but I could tell they were watching like they knew why I was here. As I approached the docks I noticed two bums by a barrel fire. I thought nothing of them 'till I passed by and caught the sent of fish, no, the sent of those creatures. I turned around, snatching the book Simon gave me from my inside jacket pocket but it was to late.

The two I had mistaken as bums were right on top of me. One tried to grab me [s]but[/s] and I easily dodge [s]it[/s] him, but not the other one who came up behind me and struck me in the back of the head. Before I blacked out I manage to struggle out the second spell Simon gave to me: "Innicto Vintolum Ni'col".

When I awoke they were burning my book and something that look reminiscent of a body. What I noticed next horrified me more then anything else I could of seen in my lifetime (One word) and that is it was my body that was in the fire.

"But if that is my body then...where...am...I?" I asked myself. I lifted my right hand and noticed it was webbed. "No...oh god no!" I screamed at the top of the lungs. The other beings turned and began to laugh at the horrid thing that had happen to me.

Then I herd a familiar voice from behind me say "I told you it would only save your soul." Then everything went crimson, and [s]then[/s] forever dark. Now I was the slain creature laying in it[s]'[/s]s own blood. Here in the Land of the Deep.

1) Almost every sentence ran into the previous one. Ex. Sally went outside.it was a beautiful day. There should always be a space after a period, and the first letter of the next sentence should be capitalized. Ex. Sally went outside. It was a beautiful day.

2) You switch between past tense and present tense a lot in this. Choose one and stick to it. Past means almost every verb will end in -ed, present means almost every verb will not.

3) Several times you didn't capitalize I. I should always be capitalized.

4) You do a lot of telling, and not so much showing. Showing is more interesting and helps to set a scene and also lets the reader see the scene much better. Telling can also become dull to read. Showing is overall a much better used technique, though sometimes telling just has to be done or else the story would drag out for-ev-er.

5) What happened to the concern over the daughter? In the end your main character is consumed with his transformation into this beast he hates (a very interesting plot device by the way) but it isn't mentioned how he feels about how this effects his search for his daughter.

6) Sentence variety. Frankly, there was none and you had a lot of fragments. A lot. This can be easily fixed though. Using different structures for sentences is more interesting for someone who picks up on that sort of thing (like me) and also allows information to be arranged in different and more effective ways. It will also help you clear up some of your more choppy sentences, unless of course thats the effect you wanted.

7) Everytime you have a new speaker/new peice of dialogue you should start a new paragraph.

This was a very interesting peice, so good job! Just look over some of the things I've mentioned and you'll be good to go. I enjoyed the plot very much and would actually be interested in knowing more detail about what conspired here (before, after, and such).

Keep Writing!

-Lauren

P.S. Those [s] word [/s] are supposed to strike out the words. For some reason that feature isn't on the new yws... So now you know what those mean

this is actually a sort of rough draft i was wanting some feed back on.i knew i would get some questions about the details i plain on posting the actual first chapter shortly i been working on it for the past few days and didn't want to post it up without getting some feed back on the actual rough draft first.