Epitaph in the rain.

The rain tastes sweet on my parched tongue.

My eyes forever skyward.

I hear weeping and my name being called out.

The voices just grow fainter.

My heart is silent and my brow relaxed.

The lovely scarlet at my breast flows now like a chocked stream.

The sensation of the pooled rain beneath me is comforting.

My baptism and re-birth in blood and rain.

Hands take my numb limbs.

Tears fall in unison with nature.

Violent, my death.

Beautiful, my ascension.

I like the last two lines best. The powerful contrast ends the poem on a moving note.

The lovely scarlet at my breast flows now like a chocked stream.

Do you mean 'choked'?

The poem is beautifully written, word usage and rhetoric make it sophisticated and pleasing to read. The themes of death and rebirth are somewhat provocative on their own, but at the same time the whole poem flows around them with ease.

Wow, this was very well written. Sad, very different but compelling. I found myself mouthing the words on my third read!
The last two lines are beautiful, very simple and yet they end the whole thing perfectly.
One little thing that's annoying me though, you have full stops (periods) after every line. Did you mean to do that because I'm sure many would use a comma instead?
Well done! Really good piece!
Aqua X

Hi.

You have some good imagery here.

I'd suggest reading this aloud, as it flows a little jerkily. Then you'll get a better sense of how the piece flows as a whole.

I'd cut references to "blood" and "heart" and "death" and look more closely at what you're trying to say. What are the actual realities of your speaker? They have experienced pain, and come out on the other side, but what are the miniscule details which make it unique to them?

Hope this helps.

Jas

Eraqio wrote:The rain tastes sweet on my parched tongue.

My eyes forever skyward.

I hear weeping and my name being called out.

The voices just grow fainter.

My heart is silent and my brow relaxed.

The lovely scarlet at my breast flows now like a chocked stream.

The sensation of the pooled rain beneath me is comforting.

My baptism and re-birth in blood and rain.

Hands take my numb limbs.

Tears fall in unison with nature.

Violent, my death.

Beautiful, my ascension.

nicee... it reminds me of a star up in space... burning and things.. being all beautiful and what not..and violent my death and things.. just added to it... and its like the pain of being that solitary star...

The poem was really dramatic and different in a good way. It's engaging and doesn't make you want to say what is the point even though you really don't know what is going on till the end.

My baptism and re-birth in blood and rain.

It's my favorite it has great... symbolism I think if that's the word I'm looking for. Well thank you for this enjoyable poem.