Mission Zero part 4

Voices.
Where were they coming from? Kevin forced his eyes to open. Everything was blurry, he could make out dark blobs against a white background. They were talking, but he couldn’t make out the words.
‘Stay awake!’ He willed himself. But another wave of drowsiness ran through him. He struggled to stay awake. Finally, he had to give up. Once again he faded into darkness.

Something felt uncomfortable. But Kevin couldn’t quite place what it was. His body felt numb all over. He slowly opened his eyes but it was pitch-black. Now he noticed that a blindfold was tied securely around his eyes. And the nausea was nearly overwhelming.
“How are you feeling.” A cold, emotionless voice said, right into his ear.
Kevin jumped, learning the hard way that restraints were holding him down. The hard metal bit into his wrists and ankles.
“Not good.” He said.
“In pain?” The voice remained icy.
“No, numb.” Kevin tried to shift to a more comfortable position, it was impossible to move. He was pinned down like an animal.
“Good,” A pen scratched against a piece of paper.
“What did they do to me?” Kevin was almost afraid to ask.
“Oh, don’t worry, you’re still intact.”
“Thanks, I feel so much better.” Kevin snapped.
“You are going to spend a day in this room so you can recover, I will come back for you then.” A chair rolled across the floor then a door hissed closed. Kevin knew he was alone.
’Recover from what?’ He wondered.
He laid unmoving as he thought. He strained every sense he had to get a feel of his surroundings. After a while he figured it must be a small, empty room, a bright light right above him was the only lighting in the room, and the room was soundproof. He was bored out of his mind, but worse than that was his thoughts, they kept circling his mind over and over. The blindfold got sticky and itchy from the sweat it caused. At least after a while the numbness and nausea wore off then he felt slightly better.
He still felt weird, it was like something was missing. Suddenly he realized his left arm was still numb.
‘The Anatronzer!’ He thought franticly. Of course! If they wanted anything it would be the Anatronzer! So was it gone? If so, how did they get it off? If it ended up in the wrong hands it could be disastrous. No, it was impossible to do, they would have had to figure out how to separate his and the machine’s molecules at the same time. It was almost surely still on.

He didn’t even realize that he fell asleep until the door hissed open.
“Come on, get him up, we have more to go yet.” An impatient voice said.
The restraints on his hands and feet released. Kevin sat up, he felt stiff everywhere. Someone pushed him off the table so he slid down the other side. He barely landed on his feet, almost bumping into somebody. Forcefully, his arms were jerked back and handcuffs clicked closed around his wrists. He was nudged from behind to move forward. He hesitated, unsure.
“Come on, move!” Someone growled and hit the back of his head. Kevin stumbled forward. Anger flared up inside him.
But before he could react, two different pairs of hands grasped his arms and pushed him ahead. He tried to stay steady on his feet, but his legs felt wobbly from not using them. There were at least five people surrounding him, and by the echoing of the footsteps he figured they were in a hallway. After a few minutes they stopped him and he heard a door opening, they pushed him inside and the door sealed shut. Right away, someone unlocked the handcuffs. Kevin rubbed his sore hands to get the feel back. Then, to his surprise, his blindfold was untied and yanked off.
He blinked at the bright light. Then he saw an alien sitting at a wide table, a delicious looking plate of food was set in the center.
“Please, sit.” His voice sounded kind, but emotionless.
Kevin obeyed, he sat down slowly not taking his eyes off the alien.
He glanced down, thankfully the Anatronzer was still on. They had obviously tried to get it off, there were some carefully placed stitches. Strangely, he found it didn’t hurt at all.
A massive form stepped up in the corner of his vision. He glanced up. To his surprise, he half-expected what he saw. It was Ugly, the alien who first caught him.
“Care for a bite to eat?” The other alien spoke up. Kevin studied it; slender and creepy, with a long hunched neck and huge unblinking eyes.
“Uh, no thanks,” He said. “I’m not hungry.” But his stomach said otherwise. As if on cue, it growled loudly.
He fought to keep his eyes on the alien and off the steaming food.
“Oh, I think you are.” The alien said, looking right into Kevin’s eye with its unblinking stare. Kevin looked away.
“Here, I assure you it is not poisoned.” The alien pushed the plate right under Kevin’s nose.
Kevin snorted. Yeah right, like he was going to take his word for it!
This was ridiculous! He tried to stand up. Ugly, who was standing behind him grabbed his shoulder and sat him back down forcefully into the chair.
“Now, listen to me, Starskye,” Any pleasantness in the alien’s voice had disappeared. It leaned forward.
“You are going to cooperate, or Gorge here will make you, get it?”
Kevin nodded reluctantly. So Gorge was Ugly’s real name, it suited him.
“Tell me how to get the Anatronzer off of you.”
It was the question Kevin knew would come.
“Do you really think I’d tell you?” He smirked.
“Oh, you’re going to tell me.” The alien said. He snapped his long fingers. In one smooth movement, Gorge picked up Kevin by the throat. He lifted him from the chair and held him up to the ceiling. Kevin tried to pry his hands apart but Gorge’s grip was solid steel. The alien snapped his fingers again and Gorge dropped Kevin back down in the chair, choking and gasping for breath.
“Now, tell me, what is the method to get the machine off?” The alien sounded more impatient.
Kevin rubbed his sore neck and straightened up. “I don’t know how to get it off.” He admitted.
The alien stood up and walked to the door. For a second, Kevin thought he had taken his answer. But he turned around. “For your incompatibility, you will be severely punished. Rest uneasy. I will be back tomorrow.” With that, he left, Gorge followed and the door hissed shut.
Kevin slumped forward on the table, he buried his face in his arms and laid there for a long time.

The alien took long strides down the hall. One the assistants (named Jotig) stopped the alien. “Dr. Feasiblion, Mancy is requesting that you talk to her.” Dr. Feasiblion looked impatient. “Tell her I do not have time, I’m busy.” He said and continued on. But Jotig stopped him.
“Sir, she says it’s really important that you see her right now.”
Feasiblion scowled. “Very well, show me to her.”
Jotig led him to a room not to far away. A masked human stood in the center of it. “Sir, I have bad news, project T1-RY has escaped.” Mancy hung her head.
Dr. Feasiblion’s face grew angry. “I needed both of them at the same time!” He stormed. “Send every guard in the second squad out after him. He won’t get far, the tracking device will tell you where he is. Now go!”
Mancy ran out to assemble the guards.
Feasiblion turned to Gorge, who was behind him. “I want a lockdown on the whole building. Question every prisoner. No food until someone comes forward!“ Gorge grunted and went to do his job. Feasiblion walked out and headed for his quarters.

Lenny tore through the underbrush, sticks and vines snagged and tore at his red prisoners uniform.
’Run! Escape! Keep going!’ He thought in rhythm with his strides. He was nine years old. He knew escape wasn’t complete until he got off the planet. A vine tripped him, and before he could stop he slid down a hill slicked with mud. He crashed into a plant at the bottom.
No time to stop! He skidded and started running again. He wiped mud off his face as he ducked under a branch. Suddenly he heard the sound of engines droning. They were after him! Where he was distracted, he didn’t notice the ledge until he came to it. With no time to stop, he fell down to the ground below. It was only a few feet but where he was exhausted, it knocked the breath out of him. He managed to crawl under the over hang just as the guards caught up.
They jumped out of the hover vehicle and began forming groups. Lenny watched breathless as one boot came within inches from his face. He dared not to breath. They were talking, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. Suddenly, he heard beeping. It was coming from him! But he wasn’t carrying anything that beeped, so that meant they had put a tracking device on him.
He desperately tried to duck further in but a gloved hand reached in and dragged him out by the foot. The guard picked him up and stood on him on his feet.
“I got him.” The guy that held him shouted to the others.
Other guard stepped up. “The boss said too use the holding chip on him.”
Lenny hated the holding chip, it was a device that caused it’s wearer to become unconscious until it was taken off. The lab used them all the time on their prisoners. Lenny had been at the lab for over a year, he had escaped dozens of times, all ending in failures. He knew if he ever was to get away he’d have to do it himself. Because he knew he had seen to much for them to let him go alive. He hadn’t yet told the others that they were hopelessly trapped on a dislocate jungle planet. As the chip drew closer to the back of his neck. Then he knew no more.

Kevin spent a long night in the locked room. The dread of what might happen kept him from sleeping.
True to his word, Dr Feasiblion came early the next morning. Kevin was sitting next to the back wall when the door opened.
“I see you have eaten the food. Perhaps you are ready to cooperate also?” Feasiblion said.
“I already told you, I don’t know how to get it off. Believe me I’ve tried.” Kevin replied.
If it was possible just to simple cut it off, there was no doubt Feasiblion would have done that.
But it wasn’t, if Feasiblion did that he would lose both Kevin and the Anatronzer. The Anatronzer was made of liquid metal, it was completely infused with Kevin’s arm. He had designed the technology it so it could create any genetic combination, in the wrong hands it would be disastrous.
Kevin stood up, Dr. Feasiblion strode across the room until he stood inches from the teen’s face.
“You must know something about how to get the machine off.” He said.
“No.” Kevin refused.
Feasiblion snapped his fingers, Gorge stomped into the room.
“Take him, you know what to do.” Feasiblion stepped aside, Gorge tied a blindfold around Kevin’s eyes, and a rope around his wrists. Kevin winched as he pulled the knot tight. He was terrified to see what was going to happen. But he’d rather get a couple scrapes and bruises than hand over the Anatronzer.
Once again, Kevin was pushed down the hall. It wasn’t long until Gorge led him into another room. Kevin was shoved backwards and he fell into what felt like a chair. Gorge ripped off his blindfold. But it wasn’t the giant screen that caught Kevin’s attention, it was what was on the screen. It was a little boy, armed guards surrounded him. Right away he knew what they were doing, he wished he didn‘t.
“Now,” Dr. Feasiblion said. He was standing behind him. “For your punishment you will watch another one of your kind suffer.” There was a hint of glee in the alien’s voice.
“No! No please I’ll tell you!” Kevin cried. He couldn’t let an innocent kid be punished for him.
Feasiblion only chuckled. “Begin.” He said to the monitor.
Kevin desperately tried to look away, but Gorge clamped a hand on either side of his head. He was forced to watch in horror as the guards fired. The little boy fell forward, lifeless.
Kevin heard his own voice crying out. He hadn’t even noticed he was speaking.
“I’ll tell you! I’ll tell you! Stop! I’ll tell you!”
Dr. Feasiblion turned off the screen and Gorge released his grip. Kevin’s head dropped. He fought to hold back tears, but they came anyway. He knew if he looked up he’d see Feasiblion smiling down on him in pleasure.
’I hate this place!’ He thought. His fists clenched and shook in anger.
“Now, I believe there is something you are going to tell me, yes?” There was not even the slightest sound of resentment in Feasiblion’s voice. Kevin realized he was ready to more if needed.
“OK,” He said quietly. “I’ll tell you.” He had no tricks left, no plans, nothing. If he did something they would just strike back harder. He was completely and utterly defeated.

Hello again. Thanks for your reviews. Lets see if I can help you out as well.

Let's start with characters. I'd like to see some more individuality between Kevin and Lenny. At the moment, personality-wise, they seem to be the same person with different names.

They're both quite Mary Sue-ish as well. Kevin's okay about going through pain, but then when he sees someone else in pain, he gives in. Basically, your typical perfect selfless hero; not a real, self centred, fearful human.

The aliens also seem to be quite stereotypical. They really could do with some personality aspects that set them apart from your average off-the-shelf villain.

Your description was good when he had the blindfold on, describing only in terms of sound. However, be careful about consistency. You mentioned dark blobs against a white background, but he was wearing a blindfold. How could he have seen them?

The rest of the description was pretty good. A little more couldn't hurt though.

The plot's moving fine. There's a nice amount of mystery to keep me wanting to read on, such as, what is the connection between Kevin and Lennie, and what do the aliens want with the anatronzer.

Here's a few nitpicks:

Anger flared up inside him.

Fear would seem more natural in a situation like that.

For your incompatibility

Incompatability isn't the right word. Lack of cooperation would be better.

One the assistants (named Jotig)

One of the assistants. Don't tell us the assistant's name, especially with brackets. Either reveal it through dialogue, or leave them unnamed. There's no need to name characters that don't have a large part.

He was nine years old

He sure doesn't act nine years old. A nine year old would be terrified.

over hang

Overhang is one word.

trapped on a dislocate jungle planet

Do you mean a desolate jungle planet?

The Anatronzer was made of liquid metal, it was completely infused with Kevin’s arm.

The only metal that is a liquid at temperatures low enough to not burn you is mercury, and that's highly toxic. If you're going to break a law of physics in science fiction, you really need an explanation to make it believable.

And why did Kevin offer to tell them how to get the Anatronzer off only after they'd killed the boy? Why not before.

Keep going. You've got yourself an interesting plot, just be careful of Mary Sue characters. Try and think of some ways to make Kevin seem more human.

I printed out your story (back2back) and read it before I went to sleep yesterday... and I've got to say... even though the story was built simply (that's not necessarily a bad thing!), it's really gripping. An extremely faced paced thrill-ride that carried me from beginning to end effortlessly, complete with a kick-butt hero and his ride! I loved it

I agree with most of Hippe's comments (including the 2 dimensionalness of your aliens), but there are three that I disagree with.

He was nine years old

He sure doesn't act nine years old. A nine year old would be terrified.

In SciFi, especially other-world types like this, age is truly just a number. Without much information on said 9 year old (and now that he's dead), we can't know what type of attributes, powers, flaws, etc. he possessed. Don't underestimate the little ones

The Anatronzer was made of liquid metal, it was completely infused with Kevin’s arm.

The only metal that is a liquid at temperatures low enough to not burn you is mercury, and that's highly toxic. If you're going to break a law of physics in science fiction, you really need an explanation to make it believable.

This is the best part about SciFi! You don't need a lengthy explanation for it to be believable! I had no problem believing this when I read it. It fit in perfectly for me. "It's some type of futuristic space metal invented by a 13 year old genius from another world? Totally believable."

...However, be careful about consistency. You mentioned dark blobs against a white background, but he was wearing a blindfold. How could he have seen them?

I've had a rough-blindfold on before in a bright room (don't ask), so maybe that's why I could relate to this scene so well. I knew exactly what Kevin was experiencing, but maybe that's just me


Now for my actual review... *looks at printed story and all the marked/highlighted sections and winces*

...around his eyes. And the nausea...

Combine these two sentences. Staring your sentences with "And" is usually a no-no.

"What did they do to me?"

Perhaps "you" would work better here.

After a while he figured it must be a small, empty room, a bright light right above him was the only lighting in the room, and the room was soundproof.

"Room" is said too many times here. Try to rephrase your description.

...they kept circling his mind over and over.

Could've been worded better.

At least after a while the numbness and nausea wore off then he felt slightly better.

Consider making the bold section into its own sentence. The underlined text is unnecessary (IMHO).

He still felt weird, it was like something was missing.

Also equally unnecessary text. Adds a sense of redundancy to your sentence.

‘The Anatronzer!’ He thought franticly. Of course! If they wanted anything it would be the Anatronzer! So was it gone? If so, how did they get it off? If it ended up in the wrong hands it could be disastrous. No, it was impossible to do, they would have had to figure out how to separate his and the machine’s molecules at the same time. It was almost surely still on.

Suggested Fix wrote:‘The Anatronzer!’ He thought frantically. Of course! If they wanted anything it would be the Anatronzer! So was it gone? If so, how did they get it off? If it ended up in the wrong hands it could be disastrous! No, it was impossible to do! They would have had to figure out how to separate his and the machine’s molecules at the same time. It was almost surely still on.

The quote is also one huge thought, so you might want to italicize it.

He didn’t even realize that he fell asleep until the door hissed open.

Consider rewording this a bit.

“Come on, get him up, we have more to go yet.” An impatient voice said.

Wait, what?

Kevin slumped forward on the table, he buried his face in his arms and laid there for a long time.

The alien took long strides down the hall. One the assistants (named Jotig) stopped the alien.

Did time just pass between the two bolded underlined words? If so, make that a bit clearer.

The parenthesis should be phased out.

...Jotig led him to a room not to far away.

Did you mean "too?"

As the chip drew closer to the back of his neck. Then he knew no more.

Could be rephrased to make much more sense.

...going to happen. But he’d rather get a couple scrapes and bruises than hand over the Anatronzer...ripped off his blindfold. But it wasn’t...

Too many of these. A hole I see many fall into all the time It's ok when it's not done in excess. Watch out

Overall, you managed to keep my interest throughout all 4 chapters (a major feat, let me tell ya!) Our hero is trapped in a seemingly irreconcilable situation where anything could happen! I love it! Keep on writing!

PM me if you release any more

Hello there! Roon here, at your request! I'm going to start with nitpicks, as usual!

Everything was blurry, he could make out dark blobs against a white background.

Blobs just doesn't fit the mood here, since when did a blob become menacing? The English language is a beautiful thing, use it, lol!

Stay awake!’ He willed himself.

If he's thinking this, then just have it in italics, save the confusion of quotation marks.

He struggled to stay awake. Finally, he had to give up. Once again he faded into darkness.

This all seems very broken, and for the most part unnecessary. You could just say 'he tried with all his might to stay awake, but finally had to give in' not that exactly, as that was terrible, but you see my point.

Now he noticed that a blindfold was tied securely around his eyes.

Was this added in his second sleep? It makes for fairly confusing reading, as it's quite subtle. Nevertheless, it does make it more intriguing not being able to use sight.

“How are you feeling.” A cold, emotionless voice said, right into his ear.

This is a question, not a statement, question mark and it's not said, it's asked when it's a question.

Kevin jumped, learning the hard way that restraints were holding him down.

I just didn't like this bit, you could just say but there were restraints holding him down.

The hard metal bit into his wrists and ankles.

Like this description, very nice.

Kevin knew he was alone.

How could he possibly know that?

He laid unmoving as he thought.

Commas before and after unmoving. Also, what choice did he have lol!

He strained every sense he had to get a feel of his surroundings.

How ironic, he can't feel anything because he's chained down... sorry, just me being weird there! xD

After a while he figured it must be a small, empty room, a bright light right above him was the only lighting in the room, and the room was soundproof.

Okay, you say room way too many times. The sentence is rather long, and he couldn't know any of this.

He was bored out of his mind, but worse than that was his thoughts, they kept circling his mind over and over.

I don't think boredom is his biggest problem right now xD

The blindfold got sticky and itchy from the sweat it caused. At least after a while the numbness and nausea wore off then he felt slightly better.

Oddly phrased, both sentences, also it seems quite poorly written, when compared with the rest of the piece. The ideas are forced on us, and you reinforce things that just don't need to be.

He still felt weird, it was like something was missing. Suddenly he realized his left arm was still numb.

Again, awkward phrasing.

‘The Anatronzer!’ He thought franticly. Of course! If they wanted anything it would be the Anatronzer! So was it gone? If so, how did they get it off? If it ended up in the wrong hands it could be disastrous. No, it was impossible to do, they would have had to figure out how to separate his and the machine’s molecules at the same time. It was almost surely still on.

All repeating the same sort of thing, it's very predictable, in fact it reminded me a little of that odd cartoon that young boys watch called Ben 10... Sorry lol!

He didn’t even realize that he fell asleep until the door hissed open.

He'd fallen asleep.

Then, to his surprise, his blindfold was untied and yanked off.

Yanked just doesn't feel right for this passage.

“Please, sit.” His voice sounded kind, but emotionless.

I don't think you need to capitalise his. Also, it can't sound kind and emotionless at the same time, that's what one might call an oxymoron, I believe.

He glanced down, thankfully the Anatronzer was still on. They had obviously tried to get it off, there were some carefully placed stitches. Strangely, he found it didn’t hurt at all.

Why would they be careful. Also, why isn't he a little more worried about it not hurting him? Also, why isn't he scared about what other operations they may have performed that he could not yet feel the effect of?

It was Ugly, the alien who first caught him.

I still don't get why you called him Ugly to begin with, but it's your story.

The other alien spoke up. Kevin studied it; slender and creepy, with a long hunched neck and huge unblinking eyes.

Don't have to capitalise the 'The/the' here. Also, this alien seems very stereotypical, you have a fantastic imagination, I'd like to see more of that in play.

Okay, I'm just going to mention this rule now:
You capitalise after brackets if it has nothing to do with the speech.
You don't capitalise if it's a description of the way they spoke, or how they intended it, etc.

I hope that's clear. You do it a lot you see, so I thought I'd spare you the boredom of having to read it over and over! lol!

The alien said, looking right into Kevin’s eye with its unblinking stare.

Has he only got the one? Eye that is.

“Now, listen to me, Starskye,”

Does he have a dog called Hutch?

“You are going to cooperate, or Gorge here will make you, get it?”

Lol! When I first read this I thought it said George! I thought, what an odd, but excellent name for a ferocious alien! Also, why is he such a stereotype, he even has the name!

“I don’t know how to get it off.” He admitted.

I don't feel any anger here. Also, why is he not asking questions? Does he not want to find this girl of his? Also, I think you should italicise the how.

Rest uneasy.

Lol! This just doesn't work, at all, for me. It sounds so spiteful and immature, and just typically brutish, he has a decent grasp on the English language, surely?

“Dr. Feasiblion,

I don't like the name. It sounds like you thought, oh noes, I need an original name, zomg! And then had a lightbulb moment. I don't like it. It sounds overly flambuoyant.

It was only a few feet but where he was exhausted, it knocked the breath out of him.

This makes no sense... maybe instead of where you could have as?

He managed to crawl under the over hang just as the guards caught up.

Over hang? I think this should either be one word, or you should choose another one. I just doesn't work for me.

Also, this whole forest scene, it's very star wars for me. With the hover vehicle chase...

He dared not to breath.

Awkward phrasing.

But he wasn’t carrying anything that beeped, so that meant they had put a tracking device on him.

This is telling as opposed to showing, I'm sure the reader could infer this. Think of another way to say this, would be my advice.

He desperately tried to duck further in but a gloved hand reached in and dragged him out by the foot.

Comma before but.

“The boss said too use the holding chip on him.”

to, not too.

Because he knew he had seen to much for them to let him go alive.

too, not to.

He hadn’t yet told the others that they were hopelessly trapped on a dislocate jungle planet.

I don't think dislocate planet is the word you're searching for. I think you mean desolate?

As the chip drew closer to the back of his neck. Then he knew no more.

Get rid of the as, or this doesn't make sense, read it through, you'll see why.

Kevin spent a long night in the locked room. The dread of what might happen kept him from sleeping.

Gah! PoV changed very suddenly.

True to his word, Dr Feasiblion came early the next morning.

I just can't take him seriously with a name like that!

The Anatronzer was made of liquid metal, it was completely infused with Kevin’s arm.

He's either being burnt or poisoned. Mercury is toxic, and the only metal with a low enough boiling point to be liquid at body temperature. Also, infused doesn't feel like the right word here.

Kevin winched as he pulled the knot tight.

Winced*

He was terrified to see what was going to happen. But he’d rather get a couple scrapes and bruises than hand over the Anatronzer.

This was just weak. Rephrase it.

“No! No please I’ll tell you!” Kevin cried. He couldn’t let an innocent kid be punished for him.

This guy is the stereotype of a hero! Seriously, be adventurous with your characters.

The little boy fell forward, lifeless.

This bit, where you describe the boy being killed, it seemed to hold now emotion whatsoever.

He was completely and utterly defeated.

Why would he give up so easily?

Okay, all in all, a nice chapter. Although, I felt that it was lacking, in terms of emotion it was just not there. also, there is no character development to speak of, no distinction between Kevin and Lenny. They are both selfless, stereotypical heroes. Shake it up a bit, your characters are all stereotypes. At the moment, your story feels like a cross between Ben 10 and star wars.

I think you could do a lot more with this story. The names for your characters, for example. Kevin and Lenny sound bland. The aliens are called Gorge and Dr. Feasiblion. I just don't think that it works at all.

You need to change your characters, stop with the stereotypes, it's boring. Show us some flaws. Also, a little imagery would really help with this story.

I do like your writing style, and the way you start the chapter, it's very inventive, you just need to watch out for those continuity pitfalls! Another very enjoyable piece, please let me know when you post more! You know where I'll be!

Hope this was of help!

~ Roon

Hello! Here to review. Thanks for posting on my thread, and sorry It's been a while.

The people above probably caught all the nitpicks so I'll just do an overall review. But, one thing.

This is VERY (sorry, excuse the caps) important for writing and a lot of writers get it wrong. It's just simple dialogue punctuation though, so I'm sure you can get it.
So the basic thing is instead of periods like we always do its a comma. But this is only when you used a "said, asked, say, replied, etc". So if I wrote, "There are no comma's if you don't have a "said, asked,etc" after."
"Like that," I explained. You see? It's quite easy. Also, you have to make a new paragraph after a new person talks. Hmmm, so I'll give you a few more examples.

"Hello, my name is..."
OR
"Hello, my name is (enter a name)," I said nervously.

You can also look in the Writing resources for more info.
~~~
Okay, onto the real review.

1) The switch between Lenny and Kevin's POV (point of view) is quite confusing. You should separate them by using three stars *** or ~~~ like i did above.
2) Umm, I'm sorry to say this but Kevin... Doesn't seem all that smart, like I thought he'd be. I kinda thought he'd be like Artemis Fowl or something you know? Oh wells though. People gotta have flaws.
3) Lenny. He was pretty sudden. I think you should expand a bit more about him in the next chapter, like his various escapes, why he was there, and stuff like that.
4) I would also like you to explain the torture part a bit more. I confused. I'm figuring that was Lenny that they shot but I didn't quite get what was happening. Perhaps you could explain the room more, use more detail. Describe the boy, the people who shot him.
5) Mancy. Was Kevin unconscious when she came in? Because I got no reaction from him at all. Since she has the same name as the girl he meet before, try to clear it up if its the same person or not. Or clear up if he's unconscious or not.
~~~

Well that ends my review. I think that this is moving along pretty well, but try to describe you characters some more and make transitions between characters more smooth. Keep writing!

<3 Stormy!