Shipwreck

This is the prologue of the book I'm writing:

Rain battered the windows of the porthole and lightning temporarily illuminated the dark sky. The girl was buried in her mother’s arms while thunder shook the tiny vessel. They were tossed mercilessly upon the tsunamis; each wave brought them closer to capsizing. The overhead cabinets opened and the stored supplies piled onto their heads. Lifejackets landed to their right. The mother quickly put one on her daughter. The lights flickered out as another flash of lightning severed the sky in two.
The boat could handle no more. After a quick succession of gigantic waves, it flipped completely upside down. The girl screamed, the mother held her close and glanced toward the port door. It was already leaking sea water. They needed to get on the top, or rather the bottom, of the boat.
The mother waded through the supplies on the floor. It felt like a nightmare where it was impossible to walk because your legs feel like led. She finally reached the door, and the latch was stuck. After a couple of desperate attempts, it broke off and fell into the rising water at their feet. Frantically she searched for another exit, and her eyes landed on the porthole. She grabbed a piece of wood floating on the water, and gathering the strength and force only possible for a protective mother, she smashed the airtight glass with one blow.
She hugged the whimpering girl close and gave one last kiss, then tearing the lifejacket off, she shoved her out of the window. The girl, terrified and freezing, only just realized what her mother was doing. The lifejacket was thrown out of the window after her as she attempted to help her mother through. But she had already realized the situation. She had just barely fit through the hole without her lifejacket, and she would have been screaming in pain because of the cuts the broken glass gave if it wasn’t for the numbingly cold water. But her mother was too big. She would never make it through.
The girl coughed and spluttered with seawater and tears, subconsciously hearing her mother tell her that the coast guard would be there to save her, if she just held on to the bottom of the boat for long enough. The girl reached out a hand, and the mother grasped it. She whispered one last goodbye to her daughter, and the water enveloped her.
There was no time for the girl to mourn, because the waves dashed her against the boat and threatened to pull her under if she didn’t get on top. But it was nearly impossible. Her hands slipped on the convex underside and she became weaker and weaker with every attempt. Finally, she managed to get her upper body onto the surface, and using the very last of her strength, she propelled the rest of herself on by thrashing her legs in the water. She lay sprawled on the boat as her body gave up. But through her closing eyes, she just saw a huge dark mass silhouetted by a flash of lightning.

Hey Autumn Dragon,
I was reading your prologue and there were just a few things I noticed:

She finally read the door, and the latch was stuck.

Was it supposed to be: reached the door?

and gathering strength

Simply my opinion, but you might want to put a "the" after gathering.

The girl coughed and spluttered with seawater and tears as only her subconscious noted that her mother was telling her that the coast guard would be there to save her if she just held on to the bottom of the boat for long enough.

This sentence is a little awkward. I would try something like: The girl coughed and spluttered with seawater and tears, subconsciously hearing her mother tell her that the coast guard would be there to save her, if she just held on to the bottom of the boat for long enough.

Wow, overall it was really a captivating piece and kept me on my toes though it was sad. Personally every story has to have some tragedies in it or else it would be boring. I think it was a great hook for a story and a good prologue. Keep writing

~Dakota

Hey Jojo, I liked this. ^^ I think it might move a bit slowly for a prologue, maybe just a teensy bit over-described, but that's not really fixable at this point unless you're willing to really revamp the atmosphere.

The girl screamed, the mother held her close and glanced toward the port door. It was already leaking sea water.

That first comma needs to be a semi-colon. ^^ Semi-colons are used to separate full sentences, which is what both phrases on the sides of that comma are.

It felt like a nightmare [comma here] where it was impossible to walk because your legs feel like led.

Also, led = lead. ^_^ You might want to brush up on some basic punctuation tips. Right now, although the rest of your grammar is excellent, you're missing some commas and leaving some run-ons.

All in all, my only big complaint can be summarized in two words-- sentence variation. It seems like in the beginning paragraphs, your sentences are all too short. Too choppy. And then, towards the end, they seem to lengthen and last forever. You never really mix these two lengths, and it becomes distracting when the readers are trying to establish a flow to the narrative.

Now, this is going to sound odd. xD But I think you could use some more sentence fragments. Before you dismiss me as crazy, listen! This prologue needs a panicked, desperate feel to it. Which, as of right now, isn't really there. You're describing the scene really well, but I just think there's not enough tension yet-- one way to help this would be to add some scattered fragments. Maybe it's just fragments thrown in somewhere with really intense action, like this: She gasps in the icy water, inhaling bubbles that feel as if they'll freeze her from the inside out. Gurgling, churning-- sinking again, always sinking. Where had the surface gone?

Another thing to help build tension would be to add more emotion, namely, through imagery. You've got some great, straight-up description, but not much imagery. Which is different. ^^

With imagery, it means you take metaphors and similes and weave them into beautiful, heart-wrenching analogies and pictures. The idea is to take something (a butterfly, maybe) and warping it to fit your needs. Like this, maybe: They always said that being nervous was like having butterflies in your stomach, but the girl was beyond nervousness. She reached for her mother's hand desperately, and felt a hive of wasps explode inside of her, ripping at her heart and the water swept her away from the sinking ship. This adds some depth, some emotion, and more lovely images! =D (Feel free to use any of my examples, by the way.)

So, overall, very well written-- just work on sentence length and variation, and adding those emotional images. PM me for anything! ^_~

~Evi