What's Left

What's Left?

The air is not a pillow and the earth is made of stone
And life is full of choices and we face them on our own.
So here are some who faced them, and here is what they did
And here is who they learned from, and here is how they lived.

Have faith, said a tired mother, to a broken son
tangled in the mess of a life only just begun
his small blue eyes widened for the very first time
by the bitterness of remorse, by the need to stay in line

Have hope, said a desperate coach, to the thwarted boys
their disappointment magnified by other players’ joys
empty and set back by their unsuccessful game
their coach inspired motivation, calling each by name

Keep going, said a loving friend, to a heartsick girl
the pieces of her peacefulness scattered on the floor
while instead of accepting a million reasons to forget
she denied all reality, clinging to what’s left

Be strong, said a soothing doctor, to a tired mother
keep smiling and remember that each breath is another
chance to make it through the day and maybe through the night
It’s hard to keep on going, but there’s a chance you might

Have faith, said a loving friend, to a broken son
For faith will be your ally when you feel that you have none
The wind will not destroy it; it won’t abandon you
When life leaves you broken, faith will get you through.

Hi there!

Welcome to the YWS, I’ll just point out first off that we have a 2:1 review to post policy right now, so if you could do some reviews before you post anything else, that would be awesome. ^^ My name’s PenguinAttack, feel free to hit me up if you have any questions or queries.

Onto the poem!

I like this a lot, it’s sweet and at the same time full of bitterness. Your people are honest, realistic in a way and you use them well to put your point across.

However, I think you need to consider a few things. I think as the poem goes on it feels like you’re stretching your lines, your point, to get the right rhyme. Please, don’t do this. I’d rather see you scratch the rhyme scheme altogether and have the atmosphere change (Which I’ll suggest in a moment anyway) than have you make the poem feel wrong with the stretched rhyme.

On the rhyme scheme: Your poem would be stronger, or the atmosphere stronger if you were to lose the rhyme. However, this would mess with your rhythm and the feeling of the poem itself. I’d suggest asking yourself how you want this poem portrayed, and the most effective way to do it.

I enjoy the way the poem moves and turns in on itself, but I’d like you to read this out loud (I know you feel stupid doing it, but it seriously helps) and circle all the words that you stumble over. These words may need to be changed, or reconsidered. Sometimes it’s because of the placement in the line, and sometimes because the word doesn’t really fit. One I can suggest that may need changing is “peacefulness” in your fourth stanza – it’s awkward and even reading it feels odd. This added to the fact that you use “piece” earlier in the line makes the entire line uneven, awkward.


The repetition does get a little bit frustrating, I’d think about that as well – that’s more a personal opinion than anything. While repetition can be used well, I think that it often gets lost in the whole of the work.

All in all, I really like this. If you do anything with it, please pm me and remind me to look at it. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I shall bow down to you, that was a really neat poem. I do agree about the streching out the lines, in some parts of the poem the longer lines work quite well like "So here are some who faced them" *next line* "and this is what they did" having a line that drags out to long can weaken the feeling, but I love the wording and the situations that you used. Your even new to YWS! so keep writing! (it would be a wast not to use paper from a perfectly good oxygen-producing tree)