Ch. 1 Ireland novel

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Ireland stood in front of the plastic folding chair wearing a black dress, and swaying slightly because of the high heels she had on. Hot tears ran down her face and she bit her lip to keep herself silent. Sasha Ireland‟s little sister had her head rested agenst Ireland‟s ribcage, and was sobbing quietly. Their mom saw the two girls and put her arm around them. Ireland remembered the dog who stood at her side, she looked down at him he seemed just as sad as the rest of the family. The minister started the message by saying “officer Brian Swift, was a great police officer, father and husband. He was killed in the line of duty.” Ireland didn‟t hear much after that she just felt numb and was absent mindedly stroking the dog at her side. He had been her father service partner and the family pet; he was big German shepherded named Jasper. When the service was over, Ireland was no longer numb she felt a mix of sadness in knowing she wouldn‟t she her dad again, happiness because she knew he was with the lord and anger towards who had killed her father.
A few weeks latter...
It was midnight when Ireland put down one of her favorite books, The Cry of the Ice Mark. She was lying in her bed daydreaming about being taken to another world like the one in her story. She loved the thought of being able escape reality for awhile. She had never really fit in to her family she was adopted, and unlike the rest of her family she was outgoing, loud, and sarcastic. At school no one liked her because she was always in a book or daydreaming, and the other kids thought she was just a freak. She was an average looking girl, with long blonde, curly hair. She was of medium height and thin, but the feature that stood out the most was her deep blue eyes. The most piercing and chilling eyes, but also the most beautiful. They would turn gray as a storm cloud whenever she got frustrated or angry.
Ireland finally fell asleep, her mind on her story, slowly the dreams took her away. In this particular dream she was awaken in the middle of the night by two people a man and a woman dressed in all black. They told her that she must come with them, that her country was in danger.
Ireland woke the next morning and wrote her dream in her dream journal. She did this with every dream she could remember. She got dressed as usual and headed for school, she was a freshman in high school. When she reached school the day went normal, except for the fact she fell asleep in the library which she had never done before. She had almost the exact same dream she had had the night before. Except this time in the dream she met someone who even in her unconscious state she felt a deep connection with someone she had known and known well.
“Ireland, Ireland honey” said the librarian shaking her gently, “are you feeling ok?”Concern rang in her voice.
“Oh, sorry yeah, I‟m fine, just tired” yawned Ireland, more to reassure herself than anyone else. She wanted that to be true, that nothing was wrong, but something told her that if was far more than that. She rarely felt emotion in her dreams, so to have such a strong feeling was bazaar, but she was able to push these thoughts out of her head.




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Ireland stood in front of the plastic folding chair wearing a black dress, and swaying slightly because of the high heels she had on. Hot tears ran down her face and she bit her lip to keep herself silent. Sasha Ireland‟s little sister had her head rested agenst Ireland‟s ribcage, and was sobbing quietly. Their mom saw the two girls and put her arm around them.


When I first saw this I thought you meant it was about the country, not a person. I would come up with a title as soon as possible. Also, in this first bit, you seem to say "Ireland" a lot. Is her name Sasha, or Ireland? If it's Sasha, why does she go by Ireland? Also, in one place you have a quotation mark instead of an apostrophe.

he was big German shepherded

I think you meant "shepherd"?

he was with the lord and anger towards who had killed her father.
"lord" needs to be capitalized, I think.

A few weeks latter...

Shouldn't there be more space here? I almost missed it. Actually, I don't like this kind of thing in fiction in general, because I think you could as easily put a break and then something like: "it was a few weeks later when..." Anyway....


Overall: I've already pointed out a few of the typos etc. I've found, but I think I'm going to stop there. I think plot-wise, it is interesting, but it could be smoother, and especially towards the end it feels a bit rushed, like you're skipping back and forth between narrating things that are happening in real time, and then all of a sudden saying something like "nothing happened for the rest of the day". As far as mechanics go, you seem to be pretty sound, except for two things:

1: RUN ON SENTENCES!

Examples:
She had never really fit in to her family she was adopted, and unlike the rest of her family she was outgoing, loud, and sarcastic.

When you read "she had never really fit in to her family she was adopted" without pausing, it sounds a bit funky, right? That's because this is a run-on. It could be re-worded as: She had never really fit in with her family; she was adopted. She was outgoing, loud, and sarcastic, while they were...." Or: She had never really fit in with her family. She was adopted, and unlike the rest of her family she was outgoing, loud, and sarcastic.

Ireland was no longer numb she felt a mix of sadness in knowing she wouldn‟t she her dad again, happiness because she knew he was with the lord and anger towards who had killed her father.

The awkward part here is "Ireland was no longer numb she felt a mix of sadness..."
Again, saying that without a breath doesn't work. Another run-on. Maybe try: Ireland was no longer numb. Instead she felt a mix of sadness..."
In addition, (I just noticed this) you have a quote instead of an apostrophe and 'she' should be 'see'...

If you need more help I think there are several articles on this site about grammar... I found them very helpful and maybe you would too.

2: Incomplete sentences: This isn't bolded because I only saw it in a couple places. Just remember that every sentence MUST HAVE a verb (action) and a subject (person performing action). This meands that sentences like "The most piercing and chilling eyes, but also the most beautiful." are not sentences at all, but only fragments. (this could be reworded as "They were the most piercing and chilling eyes, but..."


Ok, I think that's about it. Sorry to go all grammar freak on you, but I'm just in one of those moods. I really think this story has promise, and I'd like to see you continue it.

Have fun!

~Lupis



If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson