Garland Wars

Born a child of Democracy,
raised in harsh hypocrisy.
We learned in school
to read and write and lie,
to never kiss and tell.
Yes, we hid our secrets well
The battles raged,
all around.
Our eyes were covered,
our hands were bound.
Wars for peace, wars for freedom,
Wars for the flower-garlands,
laid on lovers' necks.
Just as the world laid its weighing eyes upon us,
and we took no prisoners.

I absolutely love this poem. It's just so true! However, I have a few suggestions.

Perhaps you could edit the meter a bit; take out some syllables, replace some others. Just basically make the poem flow nicely. Try, perhaps, counting the syllables in each line and trying to create a pattern.

The rhyme scheme put me off a bit. I am aware that the first two lines of the poem rhyme, as do lines 5 & 6. In spite of this, there is no consistent rhyme scheme. Maybe you could work toward developing a rhyme scheme as such: AA, B, CC, D, EE, F, GG, H, II etc. This is just a suggestion, and, whatever rhyme scheme you happen to decide upon, consistency is the first priority.

You have poetic license; of this I am aware. What I am not aware of is how you'd like to use it. Do you want there to be incomplete sentences, just bits and fragments here and there, in your poem? If so, what feeling do you want this to give the reader.

It might make more sense if you took the fragment of the first two lines and made it a complete sentence, just by adding a conjunction at the end of line 2. That is, unless you would like there to be an incomplete sentence, in which case I may recommend different wording in the second sentence. You have a fragment, when you go right onto a complete, well-structured sentence. I believe it makes the reader somewhat confused.


Please acknowledge that you reserve the right to completely disregard every bit of advice I've smooshed up and crammed into your head. I appreciate you reading thus far!

That was a really good poem.

Born a child of Democracy,
raised in harsh hypocrisy.
We learned in school
to read and write and lie,
to never kiss and tell.
Yes, we hid our secrets well

Love, love, love those lines.
Maybe, perhaps, take out the first and in the fourth line? That line has a slightly different beat.

The battles that raged,
all around;
they chained us to the cold-damp earth.

Those lines threw me. The beat is off, and the third line is just a little confusing.

The last five lines are perfect, a good way to end the poem, but the second-to-last line could use a tiny bit of revision to help with coherence.

All in all I loved the poem!!!!!!

thanks for the reviews yeah,

I did make a couple changes, if its still too vague, dont know what to tell you.

just to say, Abby, you haven't read much of my poetry, have you? my rhyme scheme is always like that, its just how I write.

either way, great suggestions, both of you,

This poem was a great change of pace because most people just write about feelings of lost and anguish, but this to me was a political poem which I don't see a lot of, though I love them.

Born a child of Democracy,
raised in harsh hypocrisy.

This I thought was wonderful because it brought you right into the tone of the poem without holding back.

Our eyes were covered,
our hands were bound.
Wars for peace, wars for freedom,

These were my favorite lines in the poem. It reminded me of the novel 1984 if you have read it. Anyway this is my favorite poem I have reviewed today. Luck you.

Hello. I haven't read a poem by you in a long time.

Very interesting concept. This idea of democracy as a form of conformity is explored a lot in prose but very seldom in poetry.

It's a thought-provoking poem and I think that the length of this poem leaves the idea too unexplored. You give us only a shadow of an idea and I suppose that's one of the reasons why the other reviewers found this very vague.

"Yes, we hid our secrets wellThe battles raged,all around.Our eyes were covered, our hands were bound."

I love the lines above. They're highly controversial yet you only hint at the ideas leaving the readers to remember the issues that are burried in the society.


"Just as the world laid its weighing eyes upon us,
and we took no prisoners."

The second to the last line I think I understood. It talks about censure from the global community because of the acts of the people but the last line I cannot understand. It is the last line that confuses me here. I suppose though that you wanted the last line to be that thought-provoking climax. hmm... On a second read, what I understand is that simply because they are being watched they 'don't take prisoners'. Sort of a reiteration of the hypocrisy then at the very end?

Ok. I don't have much suggestions. This is a great poem. The concept is a strong one and I believe that it can be further explored in a lengthier or even in many other poems.

keep writing.

--Knightly