Feeling Emotions in the Dark.

This is just something that came to my mind one night, before going to bed. Tell me what you think!
_ _ _ _

I lay in bed listening to music, thinking of what to write, and thinking of ways to frame my love in words. “Are we better off thinking that in this dance the romance is a secrete?” If I could only explain to him my writing in truth. That it isn’t about some person who doesn’t even exist, but about him. Then I could know the truth. If he feels the same, but if only I could take the chance. I guess I will never know…

_ _ _ _
The quote is from the lyrics of the song Churches and Serial Killers by the band Emery.

Hey there Freak (I mean it in the nice way, I promise)! So, right off the bat, I’m going to have to point out that this is quite short so I don’t know how much there is to go with this but I do have a few nitpicks that really bothered me.

but about him. Then I could know the…

I’m not sure if having it as a period here is a good idea. That period says “Stop and breathe cause we just finished one complete thought.” But the next sentence really almost belongs to the end of that first sentence. Possibly just change the period to a comma and drop the case on ‘then.’

If he feels the same, but if only I could take the chance.

This is a fragment be cause it lacks a subject and it lacks a direct verb too. Try adding “I want to know.” Here, as with the last nitpick, the idea in this sentence is incomplete and I think this time you should make the comma into a period and omit ‘but’ creating two independent sentences.

[s] I guess[/s] I will never know…

The shorter the sentence, the more powerful the sentence so ditch the ‘I guess.’ It has more impact. Also, I would recommend making this a paragraph all on its own.

Taking it Further
I can see this as a good beginning for a cute, kind of sad love story. But the forlorn feeling here is something that could make for a very dark and interesting story if you’re willing to take your own sad thoughts and translate them on to paper. Make your tears make other peoples tears. ^^

Any questions, feel free to PM me.

~lilymoore

hi...

okay....when in first read the stoy...it was a little confusing for me particularly the words,

That it isn’t about some person who doesn’t even exist, but about him.

either there are some grammar problems in here or that the wording is a little mix up. The first sentence of the girl lying on bed is easily understood but the two sentences that followed the work begins to confuse me which is a little dissapointment becuase this works seems to be a good sad romantic fiction.

Also, the line,

If he feels the same, but if only I could take the chance.

too confuses me. Eitehr this line is suppose to be two sentences or that the wording must be revised to fit in with the understanding of the words.

Overall, the only comment here is possibly the wording of this short piece but the plot and the prologue of the story is good enough and is interesting.