Friend Turned Foe

I see the way you look at me
The hatred in your eyes
Your little half smile
Tells a million lies
I hear the way you speak of me
Talking behind my back
Calling me a weirdo freak-
And words I wouldn't dare repeat
I understand the hair swish
A gesture oh so snotty
Like I wouldn't understand
I sense the tension in the air
The result of the war I didnt start
Yet you act as if it's my fault
I feel the way treat me -
A piercing pain in my heart
Rage boiling in my chest
I tell myself I don't need you
But deep down I know it's false
Every blow you sent my way,
Every person you turned against me,
I will always remeber the good times
Like a little masochist
After all the things we have been through
I cant believe that you would be a
Friend turn Foe

huggybear123 wrote:I see the way you look at me
The hatred in your eyes
Your little half smile
Tells a million lies

I hear the way you speak of me
Talking behind my back
Calling me a weirdo freak-
And words I wouldn't dare repeat

I understand the hair swish
A gesture oh so snotty
Like I wouldn't understand

I sense the tension in the air
The result of the war I didnt start
Yet you act as if it's my fault

I feel the way treat me -
A piercing pain in my heart
Rage boiling in my chest

I tell myself I don't need you
But deep down I know it's false
Every blow you sent my way,
Every person you turned against me,

I will always remeber the good times
Like a little masochist
After all the things we have been through

I cant believe that you would be a
Friend turn Foe

First thing first, this badly needs to be split into stanzas. Now for real nitty gritty, this poem does have some good lines, but it mostly come across as an 'emo' or 'feel sorry for me' sorta number. This pushes the reader out, as you keep making this personal and putting a wall up, making a contrived sorta spectacle.

Which is actually a huge shame, because there is some great lines in this, but because you felt need to push the person out, it instead comes across as 'boo hoo', not hitting the readers at all. My advice is when writing poetry, make it personal, but avoid the use of I, until you're much better at this.

For instance this is the best stanza:

I sense the tension in the air
The result of the war I didnt start
Yet you act as if it's my fault

But even this could be strong, with one change

Sensing the tension in the air
The result of the war not started by me.
Yet you think it was started by me,
that's a lie.

Hmm, not the best, but I believe if you concentrated on this imagery here, you could have a stronger poem. You give too many images too manage at once. Instead concentrate on one or two.

Yes, that's it exactly, your biggest issue is overuse of images, go down to one, two, three by the most.

Now the hard part, this poem did nothing for me, you lock readers out by insisting on using a I, which is just haphazard. You then litter different imagery throughout, not allowing one image to sink in. And lastly, apart from some good choices on imagery, you waste it, by making this a woman which scream 'feel sorry for me' or 'I've been wounded'. Sorry, in my world poetry like that doesn't stand up well to criticism, instead it ripped apart.

So, my advice three images at the most, less I, you can be personal without this annoying word. And because you fit too much imagery in it come across as contrived. So, start afresh use whatever images ya like, concentrate on them, and be personal, other ways, use the five senses, always good.

Hope this helped.
VSN

hey,
this was ok, but i felt it lacked originality.
also there wasn't realy a rythm, so the words didn't flow as i read them. try reading it out loud to yourself as you write to make sure there is a rythm.

one other thing- stanzas would help, or some full stops- there wasn't any breaks so i felt that i was trying to read it all in a single breath.

nice try though, keep trying, you can only get better.

Hm
I'm not really feeling this. It's OK but it could be a lot better.
It feels like you have spent 25 lines complaining about some one for being mean to you.
Complaining kind of comes with this idea but the way this is written makes it feel a bit whiny. Try and be constantly be aware of what your saying when your criticising in your work (even if that person deserves it)
The lines could have been better spaced because this piece does not flow very well.
I feel you could have used some more whimsical language. Some lines for example
I understand the hair swish
A gesture oh so snotty
Like I wouldn't understand

could have been made a lot more better.
Also the subject is kind of boring. This kind of whining. It feels more like it belongs in your diary more than on here.
That is not to say it can not be made into something brilliant. just keep working on it
keep writing like you mean it

Vera