Vampyres, prt 3.

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Okay, here's the third installment of my Vampyres book. Sorry if this part is a bit long.
PG-13 for language.

Chapter Two
Vampyre

Blood.
Sweet, glorious, warm, delicious, addicting blood.
It poured from the princess’s neck like a waterfall. At least it would have, if he hadn’t been there to take it.
He thought of her expression when he had come close to her. Terrified, horrified, and hateful all at the same time. The strongest emotion had been the terror. He marveled at how sweet her blood was. He had heard of the strength of royal blood before, but he had never tasted it before. It was delicious, satisfying.
He did not want to stop.
But they could use someone like her in their group. She was commanding, had an air of authority, and she was impressive. Yes, she would be extremely useful. She had screamed at first, but the shock combined with the poison in his teeth had taken care of her quickly. Now she was unconscious, hanging like a limp fish.
He sighed in frustration through his nose. This would be the hardest thing that he would ever do. He took one last gulp of her blood, then raised his head from her neck.
As soon as he did so the hole there disappeared. He licked his teeth, and smiled at his group. “It has begun.” And so it had. Her skin was paling quickly, and her body was becoming more muscular.
“Take her to a comfortable bed in an isolated area. I want her completely alone when she wakes up.” His orders were carried out swiftly and easily. They had all done this before. He walked back to his throne and sat, watching them carry her limp body away. He smiled to himself. If she obeyed, she would be a very powerful ally. But if she broke away or rebelled, they would have a rather large problem on their hands.

I opened my eyes. I felt strange, odd. My body seemed stronger and better built. Then I noticed that something was missing. My hand pressed on my chest. I waited for the beat of my heart.
Nothing.
The memories of what had happened to me came flooding back. He bit me. I thought. But the Vampyres had been wiped out! My father and the other kingdoms had taken care of them years ago! But one of them escaped, remember? I thought glumly.
I sat up. I was on a cot in another room made from the black stone. Now I was attracted to it, loved it. The red was okay, but the black… The black seemed amazing to me. There was a mirror on the wall. I walked up to it. There I was. My skin had paled to a deathly white, and my hair had darkened farther. My eyes, amazingly, were still the dark green that I knew and loved. My lips were fuller, and seemed healthier. I opened my mouth. And stared. Replacing two of my teeth were fangs.
No, this can’t be! But I knew that it had to be true.
I have become a Vampyre.
I was horrified. I stumbled backwards and sat on the ground heavily. I curled up into what humans today call a ‘fetal position’ my knees against my chest, my hands wrapped around my knees. I put my forehead on my knees and moaned. My life was ruined, destroyed.
I thought back to what my tutor had said about Vampyres. “Vampyres are fiends, feeding off of the blood of the living. They are the living dead; their skin is pale and deathly cold. If one bites you, and they successfully stop, you will become one of them. The Vampyres are creatures of the night, though they can go out in the sunlight. If they do go out in the daytime their strength is weakened to that of a regular human being. If you are attacked by a Vampyre and cannot escape, they will bite you on the side of the neck.” My hand went to my throat.
On the right side of my neck, I felt two slight indentations, about an inch apart. I went back to the mirror. There were two scars where I had been bitten. “Vampyres are immortal unless destroyed. The only way to possibly destroy one and be certain of it is to either burn it, or somehow give it water from the fountain of the living. The fountain has disappeared however.” I snorted. ‘Fountain of the living’ who named that?
I didn’t know, and I didn’t care. I went back to the cot. I wanted to destroy myself. I had heard of the ravening appetites of Vampyres. If a Vampyre were hungry enough, it would lose control completely and feed on the first living thing it saw.
I don’t want to be like this! I thought. But I knew that I had no choice in the matter. I was one of the damned, and I would stay that way.
A door that I hadn’t noticed before opened. He came in, along with a couple of guards. I put myself back into a fetal position on the cot. I glared at him. He seemed happy, content.
He motioned for the guards to leave. They did so. “Hello Princess.” He said. I just glared. He sighed. “Now Princess, you can’t sit like that forever, and I’m sure that you would like an explanation.”
I uncurled myself until I was sitting normally. He smiled. “Good. I’m assuming that you’ve already found out what happened to you.” I nodded. His smile widened, and I saw a fleck of red on his white teeth. Blood. My blood.
“You must understand that I only did this because we need someone like you. We need a strong commanding figure for the coming war. And you were just the person.”
“You’ve ruined my life.” I croaked.
He scowled at me. “I haven’t ruined you life, I have lengthened it, made you powerful. I have bettered your life.”
I glared at him. “They will all hate me. All of them. My maids, my tutor, even my father. Being hated is hardly a good life.”
He smiled. “But that is where you are wrong. Yes, your father and maids will hate you now, but after our takeover, they will look up to you.”
I stared at him. “No.”
He continued to smile. “Any why not Princess? You will be loved.” I shook my head.
“I do not want to be loved or looked up to if it means damning those I love.”
“Ah, but you haven’t a choice in the matter. The attack has already begun.”
I looked down. This can’t be, this is all just a nightmare. If I close my eyes, maybe it will all go away. I shut my eyes, but when I opened them, I was still in the room with the man who had damned me to an everlasting existence.
I decided that I would call him the Vampyre Prince, since that was probably what he was. He was looking at me, waiting for me to say something. And was it just me, or was that a flicker of doubt in his eyes?
“What will you do to them?” I asked in a low voice.
“Some will be simply food, others we will change.” He replied. I had had enough. I didn’t want to hear anything else, didn’t want to face the truth. My country would be destroyed, my family and friends turned to Vampyres against their will.
It was too much for me to bear. “You are pure evil.” I choked.
This time his smile was real. “I think you’ll find princess, that we all are.” He stood. “Well, I have an attack to lead.” The Vampyre Prince clapped twice and his guards came back into the room. He smiled at me. “And you are coming with me.”
The guards came forward and grabbed my wrists, pulling me upright. I didn’t resist. My world had been torn apart. He led the way, the guards and I following.
I hated him.
I hated how he destroyed me, how he would destroy my family.
We went through several stone hallways, and eventually made it back to the courtyard. My carriage was still there, in the same state as it had been when I left it. But sitting in the driver’s seat, his eyes still wide in terror, was my driver. He was dead.
The sight hit me like a tidal wave. He had had a wife and two children who would never see him again.

“Well, I think that we may as well take this carriage.” The Prince said. The guards, still holding onto my wrists, opened the carriage door. He stepped inside and sat. The guards put me inside as well, closing the door behind me. I sat as far away from him as possible. I heard a thud and looked out the window. The driver was lying on the ground on his side. I shivered. They had no respect for the dead.
The carriage began moving. He sat there quietly, smiling like it was his birthday. The carriage went much faster this time. They must be running those horses to death. I thought. The trip was much faster than the trip there, and before I knew it we were in the main city of our kingdom. The sight would have made my heart stop if it hadn’t been stopped already.
Half of the houses were burning, and his Vampyres were running about, torching houses and taking prisoners. Nobody was dead yet. Even as I watched a female Vampyre dragged a screaming young girl that couldn’t have been older than seven from her home. The Vampyre hissed at her and slapped her across the face. I was horrified.
The carriage stopped and the door opened. I tried to escape then, but one of the guards caught my wrist. “Now princess, I would let you leave, but I’m afraid you may do something,” suddenly the Prince was inches from me. “drastic.”
He began leading the way again, the guards holding both of my wrists tightly. We walked until we were at the courtyard of the castle. There I saw a sight that would haunt me for the rest of my existence.
All of the villagers, young and old, were being kept within a circle of Vampyres, like I had been. If any attempted to break free of the circle, they would be shoved back. Mothers and young women were comforting screaming children, and all of the men were lunging at the circle angrily, searching for a weak point. I knew that they wouldn’t find one. I wanted to help them, protect them. But it would have been futile.
I would have been knocked backwards before I could have taken two steps.
Suddenly the Vampyres were attacked by a group of guards.
The Vampyres turned as one, and I saw that they were wielding staves of something that looked to be black wood, with a blade on one end and a wider point with metal studs on the other. Rather inelegant, but very effective.
As soon as the guards’ swords touched the wood of the staves they melted like putty in their hands. The Vampyres grabbed the guards and dragged them into the circle, where they sat, staring at their sword hilts in a daze.
Then the last thing that I ever wanted to happen happened. My father came out of the castle, enshrouded by guards. I could see his front, but there were still guards next to him ready to jump in front the instant their king was threatened. He stared when he saw the circle of villagers and Vampyres. Then he saw the Vampyre Prince. He glared at him angrily. “What is the meaning of this?” I was behind him, so I hadn’t been seen yet. The Prince smiled. “Ending your royal reign dear king. I have already taken care of your daughter, and now I have come to take care of you.”
My father’s shoulders slumped, and he seemed to lose himself for a moment. “What have you done with my Belle?” He asked quietly.
The Prince laughed. “Belle? Is that her name? Well, I can assure you that she is not dead. No, it would be a shame to waste a body and mind like your daughters. But if you really wish to know what I did to her, I can show you.” He stepped aside, and my father saw me. He knew immediately what had happened. “No. This cannot be!” he cried.
“No?” The Prince smiled, showing my father a full view of his fangs. I had never seen my father so emotional before. “Damn you and all of your kind to the deepest pit of hell there is!” He cried.
No, don’t provoke him. I pleaded in my head.
The Prince glared at my father. He obviously had been told that before. He said nothing, but clapped three times. Suddenly six Vampyres appeared out of nowhere behind my father and his guards. I screamed a warning to them, but it was too late.
The Vampyres used the center of their staves to hit them over the head. They fell to the ground without a sound.
They dragged them into the circle. The ones that had knocked my father and his guards out gathered together more Vampyres and stormed the castle, taking several more prisoners. I tried to escape again, but the guards held me fast.
One of the Vampyres that I recognized as the one that had slapped the young girl came forward. “That is everyone my lord.”
The Prince smiled. “Excellent. I think that we should start with the king.” The Vampyre inclined her head and went to the circle of prisoners. I recognized my handmaid, Bryanna, comforting a little boy.
The Vampyres moved just enough to allow her through. She grabbed the king and began shoving him out. He was conscious again, but seemed to have given up.
He was led in front of the Prince. I struggled uselessly. The prince was suddenly on my left side. “He will be of no use to me. If he is changed he will most certainly rebel.” My eyes widened and I stared at him. “No.” I pleaded. He just smiled at me and turned back to my father. I could only watch helplessly as my fathers head was pulled back and the Prince’s fangs sunk into his neck. His face grew paler and paler, and suddenly he fell to the ground, stiff as a board.
My scream broke every window in the city.
I twisted away from the two guards and ran at the Prince, taking him by surprise. He fell to the ground hard. I kneeled next to my father’s body. “No, wake up!” Even as I said it I knew that it was too late for him. The Prince stood up and walked next to me, still smiling. “Your father loved you quite a bit Belle. You should know, his blood was nearly as good as yours was.”
His words hit me hard. I stood slowly, my hand balling into a fist. Then I punched him in the face.
He fell backwards and I ran. I ran through the town at an amazing speed, everything around me blurring like wet paint on a canvas. Soon I was out of the town. I knew that The Prince would come after me along with many others, so I continued running for what felt like hours. Eventually I stopped in a small grove of willow trees. The ground was soft grass and moss, and I threw myself to the ground.
I wept.
I wept for my father and the villagers, I wept from the shock of my transformation, I wept at the thought of existing forever. I wept and wept and wept. After a very long while of weeping I sat up and dried my eyes. Crying wouldn’t help anything. As I sat there the sun came up over the trees, its dazzling brilliance temporarily blinding me. I climbed to my feet. I wondered what I would do now.
Last edited by gsppcrocks10 on Sat Aug 29, 2009 1:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
Just another quack spouting psychobabble.

"If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm mad. That's the way history is written."




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Ummmm... I didn't read parts one and two (so sorry!) but I'll be sure to next thing.
My first reaction was "Snap fo shizzle, not another vampire romance!" and my second one was "Good god, she named them vampyres!!!! Why am I reading this?!" But after I finished, i thought, Hey! not bad. Not bad at all. Actually it's pretty fan-dang-tastic! I do think one thing should be changed though. When Vamp-prince says "Make her comfortable because we want her on her sides," well doesn't that go against murdering her father in front of her? (By the way, the emotions were very real, if that makes any sense. Sometimes people hit you with this stuff so fast you don't care who dies and who doesn't. But I felt the horror and shock, so great job.) I guess that is kind of foreshadow for the "she could be a really nasty enemy" position that we assume she's going to take but.... I don't know, that line is a little too contradictory to be necessary.
But take this advice with a grain of salt, because this is my first post/review.
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Brilliant GSP, awesome!!
It was very cool how you put the story and the socail context in wich you made it. I¡m little lost though, since I haven't read the first two chapters., Well, first of all I dind't understand the first part, it began narrating how the prince was driking her blood snd then it continues with Belle and her thoughts. that confused me because I thought the story was narrated in third person. Maybe if you put it in another font or something.
Then you had some punctuation mistakes.

As soon as the guards’ swords touched the wood of the staves they melted like putty in their hands.

Comma between staves and melted

Even as I watched a female Vampyre dragged a screaming young girl that couldn’t have been older than seven from her home

The sentence before this one talks about the burning houses and the vampires running
about, but I think this one is unfinished, maybe you should add what she felt seen the vampire doing that.

I wanted to help them, protect them. But it would have been futile

This can be one sentence, take out the period between them and put a comma instead.

but there were still guards next to him ready to jump in front the instant their king was threatened

comma between ready and jump.

I tried to escape again, but the guards held me fast
.
How did you feel here? try putting some emotion.

In the last part, whre her father was captured and killed, you list th events. What the prince did, what the other vampie did, what you did, but some of her thoughts would go right in here. Maybe some more emotion.

I twisted away from the two guards and ran at the Prince, taking him by surprise. He fell to the ground hard. I kneeled next to my father’s body. “No, wake up!” Even as I said it I knew that it was too late for him. The Prince stood up and walked next to me, still smiling. “Your father loved you quite a bit Belle. You should know, his blood was nearly as good as yours was.”

Like in here, how did she feel whan she saw her father like that? helpless yes, you said she screamed, but how did she feel when she was holding her father's lifeless body?

So this is all, these are just my recommendation. recommendations you can as well disregard. The story was awesome just those things I pointed out. I'llr ead the rest when I have some more time.

Great job.
Pudin
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine




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Roonytoon, here again! *noms on story* Love it, you never cease to amaze me with your talent!

Nitpicks:

Sweet, glorious, warm, delicious, addicting blood.

Addictive.

The strongest emotion had been the terror.

This doesn’t really measure up in comparison with the rest of the text, I’m sure with your skill you can think of something a little better?

He had heard of the strength of royal blood before, but he had never tasted it before.

You say before twice in the same sentence.

Now I was attracted to it, loved it. The red was okay, but the black… The black seemed amazing to me.

This is quite a weak description, maybe you could add something like, the darkness called out to me, drew me in, it felt like home. Or add some imagery? Also, the red was okay? It’s the colour of blood, also okay isn’t a very ‘good’ word.

My eyes, amazingly, were still the dark green that I knew and loved.

I think you can leave off the knew and loved bit. I can’t really imagine her going, “Oh my God, I‘m a vampire, but at least I have pretty green eyes still.”

My lips were fuller, and seemed healthier. I opened my mouth. And stared.

I think this could be one sentence, link the mouth and lips. Say something like my lips… healthier, I parted them and stared? I don’t know, the short sentences get a little jarring.

No, this can’t be! But I knew that it had to be true.
I have become a Vampyre.

I don’t think you need the But I knew it had to be true.

I curled up into what humans today call a ‘fetal position’ my knees against my chest, my hands wrapped around my knees.

Foetal, also, I don’t think you should use modern terms, just the explanation of the position you give is good enough.

My life was ruined, destroyed.

Technically, her life is over isn’t it?

The fountain has disappeared however.”

Let her say this, it sounds odd if it is the tutor. Say it hadn’t been seen in decades, or something.

had heard of the ravening appetites of Vampyres.

Ravenous

I nodded. His smile widened, and I saw a fleck of red on his white teeth. Blood. My blood.

Where is her anger, her frustration, her despair?

He scowled at me. “I haven’t ruined you life, I have lengthened it, made you powerful. I have bettered your life.”

As I said, she is technically dead, no?
I would say:
I have not ruined your life, I have taken it from you, and in doing so, have bettered your death. Just a thought, you know, something along those lines.

I decided that I would call him the Vampyre Prince, since that was probably what he was.

Decided? I don’t like this bit, just introduce him as the Vampyre Prince next time he talks.

He had had a wife and two children who would never see him again.

Comma after children.

They had no respect for the dead.

They are the dead, the irony!

Even as I watched a female Vampyre dragged a screaming young girl that couldn’t have been older than seven from her home.

Comma after girl, comma after seven.

As soon as the guards’ swords touched the wood of the staves they melted like putty in their hands.

Putty in this time period? I don’t think putty melts either.

“Ending your royal reign dear king.

Comma after reign.

He obviously had been told that before.

I would say had obviously heard that before.

The ones that had knocked my father and his guards out gathered together more Vampyres and stormed the castle, taking several more prisoners.

Why was the King not in the castle by the way?

“Your father loved you quite a bit Belle.

Quite a bit? I think a father loves his daughter more than a bit!

His words hit me hard. I stood slowly, my hand balling into a fist

I think clenching into a fist would sound better here.

I wept for my father and the villagers, I wept from the shock of my transformation, I wept at the thought of existing forever. I wept and wept and wept. After a very long while of weeping I sat up and dried my eyes.

We get the idea of the weeping! Also the after a very long while bit seems a little odd, maybe after what seemed like an age?

Okay, that is all! First of all, again, wow! You have such fantastic imagination, and a wonderful writing style. Okay, with the PoV change, maybe you could have a couple of ***’s? I don’t know, just signal that you’ve changed it somehow!

Also, with the whole living dead thing, you don’t have to take my advice, if you would class them as living then leave it as you have put it.

Character development, again, was excellent, as was your instilling of the excellent mood. I think, in some places, she lacks the devastation and anger one would normally feel when such events have taken place. Also, are there no changes in personality when you become a vampy?

Why are the Vamps burning down the city, when one of their main weaknesses is fire? It could be so easily turned against them. Why is no one fighting them? I’m sure they would at least try when their lives, and that of their family, is on the line.

Apart from that, this was wonderful, truly it was, I was taken aback at how quickly you produced the next piece, and how well it was written, but then, what else can I expect from you!

Thank you for posting, it was a pleasure to read, and I hope to see more soon!

~ Roon
The worst tragedy for a poet is to be admired through being misunderstood.

~ Jean Cocteau



He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.
— Fredrich Nietzche (Philosopher)