Your Heart, My Home...

Your Heart, My Home...


Inscriptions on stone may fade,

But bonds of the heart never do,

It is your heart I’ll make my home,

That is, if you allow me to...



Be it the end of the world you know,

Or the seven skies blazing blue,

And for all the other times in between,

You'll find me there with you...



My existence would be part of you,

Enjoying every moment go by,

And come the day you cease to exist,

Would surely be the day i die...



No guilt or worry shall cross my mind,

To have ended my life this way,

Coz without you in my life,

It would have perished in vain...

This is a very nice poem, and you did an excellent job keeping the rhyme and the meter flowing easily.

However, may I suggest you omit the use of elipses at the end of each stanza? It doesn't really mean anything, you know? It is not as though you are quoting someone, and are showing where you left out words spoken by him, and it is not as though you are showing hesitation in your voice -- unless you are, and I am ignorant enough to miss it.

Surely, this is a typo, but in the second-to-last stanza, "I" should be capitalized. Also, in the last stanza, perhaps "coz" should be changed to "'cause." "Coz" seems less formal, and, quite frankly, is not a word.

Please acknowledge that you reserve the right to completely disregard the previous.

Hey Qgadia. I'm Selene and I'll be your reviewer today. ^_^

Stanza-by-Stanza:

Inscriptions on stone may fade,

But bonds of the heart never do,

It is your heart I’ll make my home,

That is, if you allow me to...

Take out the second comma and replace it with a semicolon.

Be it the end of the world you know,

Or the seven skies blazing blue,

And for all the other times in between,

You'll find me there with you...

I don't really like this stanza"and", "or" in the sentence. I think you should take it out because it's not really doing much for me... but it's up to you.

My existence would be part of you,

Enjoying every moment go by,

And come the day you cease to exist,

Would surely be the day i die...

Your tenses seem off here. Change "would" to 'will' since the line before it hints what is to come.

No guilt or worry shall cross my mind,

To have ended my life this way,

Coz without you in my life,

It would have perished in vain...

Like Abigail said, change "coz" to cause', but other than that I like your ending. It sums up what you're trying to say and the emotion.

Rhythm:

Stanza One- Was perfect! You stayed in an eight beats per line rhythm the whole way through and made a beautiful beginning, if I do say so myself.

Stanza Two- It may have rhymed, but your rhythm was really off. When your rhythm is off, it also takes away from the flow of the poem. Try and fix that.

Stanza Three- The beat's 8-9-9-8, which seems to work and doesn't take away from the flow.

Stanza Four- It's okay, but could be improved upon. The beat is 9-8-7-7 and as I read it I felt that the first line is a bit too long and throws the rest of the stanza off. Fix that and it'll be fine.

Overall:

I agree with Abigail that you should definitely take out the ellipses. They're not doing anything for your poem and are unneeded. The ellipses in the title aren't necessary, as well. Instead, "Your Heart, My Home" sounds good as it is. ^_^

This poem could have more emotion added to it, because it feels like it's being contained. If you allow that raw emotion to be set free, and contain it in a way that your readers can feel it and still enjoy reading it, then you'll poetry will improve immensely.

The first letter in each line is capitalized, and you'll find as you read more poetry that it's not needed and is a bit amateurish. If the sentence wasn't broken up into different lines then you wouldn't be reading poetry like "The waves crash upon the shore While birds caw and swoop by. Sea spray is stings our legs As the dark water Begins to churn." It's not a great example, but you get the point.

I liked the poem, but there's always room for improvement! If you have a question, feel free to PM me and don't be afraid to ask.

Hm, pretty good.
I really like the flow. It practically rolls on my tongue.
But some of the lines feel a little unnecessary. Like

Or the seven skies blazing blue,
Not only does it not make sense but is doesn't relate to the theme
Beside that it is very good.
Keep writing like you mean it

Vera