You gotta tell me, Jack

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OK, so i originally posted this without a real title, but ive changed it so much ive decided that giving it a title wouldnt matter. Plz review :lol:
Gotta warn you though, it gets weird towards the end :P
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The stale air of the room was as still as its owner. The smells of sweat, old cigarette smoke, pizza and grease floated lifelessly in the oppressive atmosphere of the room. A fly clung silently to one of the four walls, each one a sickly yellow colour, its wings hidden away, not yet flying.

Eddie Jones worked away quietly, using a syringe to inject all over the unconscious man’s bare arms. After about fifteen injections Eddie sat back and breathed out, glancing over to check the door that the unconscious informant had let him in through was closed. The man was expecting a meeting from a journalist; it was easy to get inside.

It was easy to cover up the murder too. Eddie checked his target’s arms, seeing how quickly the chemicals caused the symptoms of old scars. Heroin scars. The Company’s chemical lab was good. Finally Eddie reached into the small kit bag he had brought into him and took out another syringe. The lethal overdose of heroin inside seemed to wink at him through the glass.

Eddie breathed in and out slowly. This was only his second job, and the first was much less morally difficult. Killing a drug dealer had made him feel just briefly like a hero, rather than an assassin.

‘Shut up’ he thought to himself ‘you need this money.’ He sighed. He was a Company man now. He stuck the needle in the guy’s arm and pressed the plunger down. He forced himself to look at the heroin flowing down. Get used to it. Kill people for money…no morals.

Eddie stood up and walked over to the ugly desk in one corner of the room. It was an oasis of emptiness in the unkempt room, which was strewn with clothes, magazines and rubbish. However, the desk’s usual squatters - empty pizza boxes, mugs of old abandoned coffee with congealed skins, papers, files and an ashtray full of long-since dead cigarettes - lay scattered around the desk, discarded for something more important. A brand new laptop sat proudly in the centre of the desk, folded out, the screen staring out at him questioningly. It was logged on.

Eddie turned back to the dying man in the middle of the room. His dirty white boxers clung pathetically to him as he breathed in and out, faster and faster. Just who had he killed? He couldn’t really remember the ID sheet he’d been given of the target...Jack someone. He was selling a big story to a national paper that apparently couldn’t be allowed to come out, and so the client had got in touch with the Company; leading to Eddie Jones standing over his dead body in his own apartment.

But what was the story? Company deals did not come cheap, and Eddie had been promised hundreds of thousands for this job. It had to be something big.

“You gotta tell me, Jack” he whispered, more to himself than anyone else, “…what do you have that they’re scared of?”

No. Don’t even think about it. Nothing to do with you. Just do the job and destroy the laptop. Don’t even think about it.

A quick glance at the laptop couldn’t hurt, surely? Nobody would know, and he had to destroy the laptop anyway, so surely…

He sighed. This was him not wanting to be the villain. Did it really matter that much?

Yes.

He gave in and moved the mouse frantically, heading to recent documents. If this Jack was informing on some criminal kingpin, that meant he was very, very close to this criminal, so maybe this was the dealer job all over again. Hero, right? Hero.
He flicked through the recent documents; there was nothing too obviously inflammatory. A large collection of pictures with very suggestive names…Eddie smirked slightly; this Jack wasn’t such a hero after all. Maybe-
There.

His mouse hovered above a document: Martinez_Orphanages.doc

Piercing through the silence of the room came the inane buzzing of the fly, finally airborne. The sound flickered around the room.

He knew that he should go right now. He knew he should dump the laptop in the nearest river, go to the car, drive to his apartment and sleep. He knew that he should forget about all this and head to the company, to the next job-

Coward.

He clicked the mouse. He felt the words stabbing from the screen through his eyes into his head. He didn’t fully read each sentence, but he could not tear himself away as snatches leapt screaming from the document he had opened.

Anthony Martinez…owner of chain of charity orphanages/children’s homes…convicted sex offender…bribery…paedophile…rape…paedophile ring…torture…cover-up…murder…people trafficking.

The room vanished in tunnel vision. All he could see was the words on the screen. Flashes of light cavorted on the edges of his vision with words of the screen. The fly’s buzzing grew so loud. There were so many flies, millions, buzzing around him, all over him, attracted to him, to the stench of evil. The buzzing was like a chainsaw, a chainsaw in his head. Joining the chorus of buzzing, he could swear he could hear a choir. A choir of children like ones he had heard growing up, like ones that Martinez had…

Then, above the cacophony in his ears, his own thoughts mocked him:

A quick glance…couldn’t hurt, surely? Surely…Hero. Coward. Get used to it. No morals. What do you have they’re scared of?


YOU GOTTA TELL ME, JACK
YOU GOTTA TELL ME, JACK
YOU GOTTA TELL ME, JACK
YOU GOTTA TELL ME, JACK.


He collapsed, screaming.
"I am, I am, I AM..." - Randall Flagg levitating in The Stand




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Yeah, you were right about the end. I found it a little confusing but I think I got the idea. So this is what you were planning, it's good! :D
I read the first version and I must say this is an improvement. The first one was good but this tells more of the story, more detailed. Very good, but you don't need me to tell you that do you?
Already I'm interested in Eddie, you did a great job in showing his personality. The way he was telling himself it wasn't that bad and he was like a hero was very realistic.
That's all I can think of to say right now. I'm looking forward to seeing more so keep up the good work! :D
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)




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Thnx a lot crazy :) other chapters of this will be less weird and more understandable i promise ok :P
"I am, I am, I AM..." - Randall Flagg levitating in The Stand




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Please review anyone, I'd really appreciate some more feedback before i start writing the next part ;) :P
"I am, I am, I AM..." - Randall Flagg levitating in The Stand




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Hey! You've been here for over a month now I notice, so I hope you've settled in and are enjoying yourself. Anyway, to your piece. It's not normally the sort of thing I go for, but then again it is. I love your writing style - it's very easy to read, and you convey your MC very convincingly. Thumbs-up and two brownie points to you.
You were also right about it being a bit weird - I'm deadly curious to know what happened with the flies!! (did he have some sort of breakdown?) You also wrote sleekly about some tricky subjects in there... I know you didn't go into much detail, but still... I can't quite bring myself even to mention stuff like that! I'm too nervous. Good for you - be brave. It works well.

I would like to help you make this better, if I can. So here goes.


The smells of sweat, old cigarette smoke, pizza and grease floated lifelessly in the oppressive atmosphere of the room.

There is nothing at all wrong with this. But maybe add in "combined"? "The combined smells of sweat, old cigarette smoke, pizza and grease floated lifelessly in the oppressive atmosphere of the room."
Also, really great description here.


A fly clung silently to one of the four walls, each one a sickly yellow colour, its wings hidden away, not yet flying.

This is a little confusing - maybe like this? "A fly clung silently to one of the four walls - each of which was a sickly yellow colour - its wings hidden away, not yet flying." Maybe commas instead of dashes - either way.


It was easy to cover up the murder too.

I think a comma would be good here: "It was easy to cover up the murder, too."


‘Shut up’ he thought to himself ‘you need this money.’

Even though it's thinking, you still need to follow the proper practices for speech: "'Shut up,' he thought to himself. 'You need this money.'"


He was selling a big story to a national paper that apparently couldn’t be allowed to come out, and so the client had got in touch with the Company; leading to Eddie Jones standing over his dead body in his own apartment.

I don't think the ";" is necessary here - either a comma or a dash would be better, I think.


“You gotta tell me, Jack” he whispered, more to himself than anyone else, “…what do you have that they’re scared of?”

Again, ""You gotta tell me, Jack," he whispered, more to himself than anyone else, "what do you have that they're scared of?""


A large collection of pictures with very suggestive names…Eddie smirked slightly; this Jack wasn’t such a hero after all. Maybe-

I like the way you've broken up the story, but here is the only place I would question it: I would take out the "..." after "names" completely, and exchange the "-" after "Maybe" with the "...", like this: "A large collection of pictures with very suggestive names. Eddie smirked slightly; this Jack wasn't such a hero after all. Maybe..."

All in all, an intriguing piece. And I am completely intrigued.
~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company




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Thanks for th review :D
Baboon
"I am, I am, I AM..." - Randall Flagg levitating in The Stand



If you are tired remember it's a sign that you haven't expired
— fatherfig