The Stranger is Watching

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The silent stranger watching in the crowd---

there one moment and gone the next.

A shadowy figure outside her window---

there one moment and gone the next.

The stealthy footfall of sockless feet---

there one moment and gone the next

A faint grating of the squeaky stairs---

there one moment and gone the next.

The hurried rattling of her bedroom door---

there one moment and gone the next.

A flickering light from the lampshade by her side---

there one moment and gone the next.

The glint of the blade in a dimly lit room---

there one moment and gone the next.

A soft knife's song as he stabs her through the heart---

there one moment and gone the next.

The piercing scream that breaks the silence---

there one moment and gone the next.

A muffled thud of a lifeless falling body---

there one moment and gone the next.

The silent stranger watching in the crowd---

there one moment and gone the next.

This flows well as a whole and progresses nicely from beginning to end.

I think the constant repetition is too much- it gets wearisome and doesn't really add anything to the poem-it just rams your point down the readers' throats. I'd show this line through a string of different images instead.

Some of you imagery is a touch stale, for example.
"stranger watching in the crowd"

"shadowy figure outside her window---"

"stealthy footfall "

and

"piercing scream that breaks the silence---".

I'd go through this and cross out everything that sounds like something you've heard before, and then I'd reimagine the scene, paying close attention to the small details of your characters and their surroundings.

Hope this helps.

Jas

I really liked the repition actually, it helped the structure and rythm of the poem.

Hello, Roon here! I think you have a wonderful idea here, but the repetition just eats it up, for me. I find it hard to concentrate on the poem when all I keep seeing is there one moment gone the next. Nitpicks!

The silent stranger watching in the crowd--- << What crowd? This sounds like the middle of a poem to me.

there one moment and gone the next.



A shadowy figure outside her window--- << Who’s she? We don’t feel anything for your character.

there one moment and gone the next.



The stealthy footfall of sockless feet--- << you say footfall and feet fairly close together.

there one moment and gone the next



A faint grating of the squeaky stairs--- << Stairs don’t grate. Try groan?

there one moment and gone the next.



The hurried rattling of her bedroom door---

there one moment and gone the next.



A flickering light from the lampshade by her side---

there one moment and gone the next.



The glint of the blade in a dimly lit room--- << You go from the to a, I think you should stick with one.

there one moment and gone the next.



A soft knife's song as he stabs her through the heart--- << This should hold some emotion, but it doesn’t

there one moment and gone the next.



The piercing scream that breaks the silence---

there one moment and gone the next.



A muffled thud of a lifeless falling body--- << falling? Fallen would show that it has hit the floor and made a sound.

there one moment and gone the next.

So, I think this is nice, but I just hate the repetition, it eats it all up for me. Also, I don’t really understand what the purpose of this poem is. What are we supposed to feel?

Apart from that, it flows nicely and you have clear skill in terms of writing and choosing the appropriate words. Your indentations on the lines don't show up on here, I don't think, could you work on that somehow?

I think the progression of the piece is nice, but you may want to use some imagery, include details of the surroundings, etc. Make us feel the poem, see what’s happening.

Thank you for posting, it was a delight to read!

~ Roon