Seeking Attention Part 1

He was always so peaceful when he slept; this man whose name Mary didn't know. The only information about him that she could glean from his sparsely decorated apartment was that he did not like clutter. She watched the rise and fall of his chest, measuring time in the increments made by his steady breaths. It had been a long time since she'd heard so much breathing. It made her realize just how far she'd drifted from the living. Never before had she been so enthralled by any mortal, despite the more than three-hundred years she'd been wandering the earth. For a long while she'd been alone, but eventually, she began to see and interact with others like her. They all told stories of mortals that they'd observed and grown attached to. Mary had never had any to share, but now that she did, she wasn't sure she wanted to. Selfish as she felt, Mary wanted to keep the man as her secret, so he would belong to nobody but her. She knew such thoughts were foolish, but she couldn't help thinking them.

It had been a Sunday that she'd first seen him as she was on her way to church. Even though nobody cared anymore whether she attented or not, it felt wrong not going. Too many years, she'd been force to go there by her parents and by the expectations of a God-fearing community. The thought that missing church could get you killed never left her, but church had changed since her time. The services had been shortened and reduced in number and nobody hit you if you dozed or or didn't sit up perfectly straight.

There was nothing especially remarkable about the sleeping figure before her. He was handsome, to be sure, but she'd seen many handsome young men before and had not felt so drawn to them. It was his gaze that had fascinated her so when he first entered her life, or her death as it shoud be called. She'd been so used to catching nobody's eye. She knew she was invisible, and she also knew why, but it still stung to be ignored. The man before her was different somehow, though. He almost seemed to see her rather than just looking through her as so many others did. She knew she was being irrational and that her eyes were playing tricks on her, but for the past three nights, she'd watched him sleeping anyway, both hoping and fearing that he'd wake up and see her - truly see her - with his piercing blue eyes.

"You're becoming quite a stalker, eh Mare?" rang out a familiar voice from behind her. "Hopefully we won't need a restraining order."

Mary couldn't help but smile as she turned to face Ralph. He stood in his casual stance, looking playful and spontaneous even when standing still. The mischevious gleam that never left his eyes seemed more pronounced in the pale morning sunlight. "What right have you to judge me?" she smirked. "Was it not you that stowed away on a ship to chase a love who refused to have you?"

"That sounds familiar," was his cool response, "but look what I got for it." Mary couldn't deny the glaring truth in his words. His misfortune was evidenced by the relentless water that dripped from his damp frame. Ralph had gone down with the Titanic, freezing to death in the the ice-cold waters where his remains still lay.

Mary knew that she, too, bore the marks of her death upon her body. The dark bruise and rope burns that circled her neck reminded others how she had died, for she could not see them herself. Her reflection would not appear in any mirror, as was expected of her kind, but Ralph had sketched a picture of her, from which she had memorized her own features. She recalled musing over the simple sketch, from which a thin-faced girl with dark brown hair and eyes gazed up at her. Is this honestly the face of a witch? she would wonder. Would the girl in this picture ever bargain with the devil?

Obviously somebody had thought so because witchcraft was the very crime for which she had hanged on that day in October so long ago.

She was brought back from her reverie by the sound of Ralph knocking a picture frame off of the bedside table next to where the mortal lay. It clattered to the floor noisily. Here was one of those rare moments when Mary regretted ghosts' abilities to touch things if they wanted to, for it meant that they could also knock them over. The two watched with bated breath as the man in the bed stirred ever so slightly. Ralph, in an uncharacteristic moment of sensibility, disappeared with a pop, but Mary was beyond logical thought. She watched, transfixed, as her obsession's eyes fluttered open and focused directly on her.

There was a moment of silence and then... "Who are you?" he whispered.


It's a start, but I'm unsure of what to do with it. I can't honestly say whether I can commit to writing an entire book. I'd like to know what you think of the idea, though. Please reply. I'd love to hear your suggestions, advice, and critiques. Thanks so much!

Wow!

That was a great excerpt! I'd love to read the rest of this, whenever you get around to writing it. You have an intriguing way of bringing your story around, I couldn't wait to read the next sentence when I hadn't even finished the first!

Loved it, please continue it!!

Borntobeawriter.

She watched the rise and fall of his chest, measuring time in the increments made by his steady breaths.

Nice description there.

Here's some typos you missed:

Even though nobody cared anymore whether she attentedor not, it felt wrong not going

There was nothing especially remakable about the sleeping figure before her.

His misfortune was evidenced by his constant wetness and the relentless water that dripped from his damp frame.

That's a bit of a redundancy there. One of those two could probably go.

Her reflection would not appear in any mirror, as was expected of her kind, but Ralph had sketched a picture of her, from which she had memorized her own features.

Awesome.

Obviously somebody had though so because witchcraft was the very crime for which she had hanged on that day in October so long ago.

I think the so has to go from that sentence, it actually doesn't make any sense there.

All in all your writing is very solid. This is probably the most useful review I've done in a long time, and I wouldn't feel obligated to pick out the mistakes if the rest of it wasn't so well written.

As for where you want to with this: keep in mind that every character has to have a need, a goal, a desire. In some way there should be something getting in the way of what this person wants, etc.

Anywho, good luck with this, I'd love to read more!

I think this was interesting and well written. The first paragraph was a little hard to digest, possibly because it was a little too descriptive (if that's possible) but it was nice how you didn't rush it.
It's an excellent start, but I'm not sure how it would devevlop. I'd advise you to map out the plot before starting writing because I tend to start stories without planning and get bored and dump them if I haven't planned.
It's a pretty good idea and it could be really interesting if you think about what will actually happen to these characters. I've never come across a ghost story from the point of the ghost before, so I like that. At the word 'mortal' I thought 'oh no, another vampire story' but it's not and I'm glad I read it because it's very good.
Good luck,
Maddy~

Hi there. I just wanted to say that I was going to tell you some of the mistakes that I spotted but Barret seemed to catch the same ones that I did so I won't bother to repeat the same things. However, I thought the story was very good and interesting. Please continue writing, I would love to read more.

Wow. That was really creative. I assume this is happening somewhere in new england, or at least on the east coast? With a girl who was killed during the salem witch trials and a boy who died on the titanic? Marvelous. I love it. And good jub ingraining the rules of the ghost realm into the story without bogging it down.
I'll say I was confused for about two seconds in the very beginning, when I wasn't sure if i was reading about vampires or random immortals... but that is what piqued my interest. So great jub, very interesting and inventive. I can't wait to read part two.

I really liked the piece. How far are you planning on taking it (short story? novella? something longer?). I think sensory details would help ground the reader a lot more. You've provided some, but I think there's room for more - what year is it? What's the weather like outside? What does the furniture look like? (What type of wood, is it varnished, is there dust on it, how crowded is the room?). Not that I'd always recommend writing like that, but it's very useful at the start of a story, in giving the reader a mental picture that can serve as a backdrop for later scenes.
Cheers

I really like it. I love how she's a ghost and like she's drawn to him. They don't seem exactly like the traditional ghosts either. I love how you can see how they died on their bodies. Its kinda cool. Anyway, I'm excited! Definitely keep writing!

I like this, I like this very much. It needs a little polishing, but that is easily fixed. You write well and with real feeling, so I as the reader felt it too. Very nice!!

I was a bit confused at first (in a good way!) and i really loved how you introduced the idea of Mary being a ghost. It was just dropped in with a "it was because Mary was dead. a Ghost." DUN DUN DUUNNN!! Oh I do make myself laugh!

The way you did it was much more organic and believable. I also loved Ralph, he seems like a great character. However, I think it would have been better to mention the water before you say anything about the Titanic, to let the reader draw their own conclusion. Apart from that i really enjoyed it, and this could easily be a great novel. (Not that novels are ever easy...)

I think you should keep going with this. Keep it up