Paper Cranes

Nate told me to give it more time, so here:

Hana was lying on her bed reading Seventeen Magazine when her cell phone started ringing. Absorbed in an article about the coming spring fashions, she ignored the call. But when the phone rang a second time, she became worried that something was wrong, so she put down her magazine and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"HANA!"

She immediately recognized the voice of her best friend, Natasha.

"Natasha?" she said, alarmed by her hysterical tone. "What's wrong?"

"Something TERRIBLE has happened!"

"What is it?"

Natasha choked, "It's too AWFUL. I can't say it. You have to guess."

"Um, did your mom find out about the belly ring?"

"No."

"Did something happen to Buttercup?" Hana said. "Did she ate another pair of your Princess Tam Tam panties?"

"No," Natasha sniffed. "It's worse than that."

Hana sat up abruptly. There was only one thing more important to Natasha than her cat.

"NO."

"YES."

"Your mother found the novels!" Hana exclaimed.

"SHE TOOK THEM AWAY!!!"

That was when the floodgates broke through. Hana had to hold the shrieking phone away from her ear. The sound of Natasha's outrageous sobs echoed off the walls of her small room, and she worried that her parents would hear.

"Natasha, calm down."

"How can I calm down? Those novels were MY LIFE."

Hana, knowing Natasha's tendency to be overdramatic, said, "I understand. It's okay, we can fix this."

"I just don't get it. I know in the Bible it says that premarital sex is a sin and all, but I'M NOT HAVING SEX! I'M JUST READING ABOUT IT!"

"Why don't you just check out some more books?"

"Because after my mom took the novels away, she took away my library card too! Then she made me get on my knees and pray for forgiveness!"

Hana grimaced. Though Natasha did exaggerate sometimes, she knew that this was not an exaggeration. Her mother was very religious.

"I'm so sorry Natasha," she said helplessly.

Natasha blubbered, "I don't know how I'll survive this Hana."

"We'll get through this, don't worry."

"Oh God," Natasha moaned. "She's coming back upstairs now with a Bible. I have to go."

"Oh. Okay, bye sweetie. I hope everything works out."

"Yeah. Right."

Click.

Author's note: Written for fun. Serious critiques are not expected. This is mostly for enjoyment.

You have to give it more time

hmm.

The...uhmm, title just...has no visible or even tangible connection to the story.

most of the time this wouldnt be an issue but this case is just...very... unwarranted.


It threw me off as to the content.

The story itself is very... rushed.

The emotion and inflection within the conversation is very personal and is surely calculated for that effect, however the overall composition of it just doesnt meld well with the whole work.

Try making it a bit more in depth and some more characterization and story building and I'm sure even these little BS sessions will be masterworks.

Hi there!
I'm Kamas. I don't usually review stories but I heard your work has been untouched for two weeks! I felt bad so I came! And here I am but bear with me, I'm no good with story reviews.

Ok.

Grammar.

Using caps to present shouting is unnessecary. It's a little annoying and sort of comic book-like.
Instead something like "WOW!" use" Wow!" instead. It has the same effect.

Same thing with the sentences. Instead of emphasizing with caps, try italics. It's less abusive to the eyes

Dialogue.

I like the dialogue between your two character. Though, it's a little confusing at first but you clear things up at the end.

One thing. Talk more about the novels. What are they? Why do they mean so much to Natasha? etc.
Inform the reader. They like to be informed of little things when it isn't a murder mystery/ suspense novel.

Now it was a nice story and I would go farther with my review but it's late and I have to go to bed now.
Good job! ANd I hope next time you get your reviews sooner.

Kamas

Hiyas, Dream! ^-^ Hope you don't mind if I get straight to the review.

Nitpicks:

Natasha?" she said, alarmed by her hysterical tone. "What's wrong?"

I'd add "friend's" after 'her'.

"Something TERRIBLE has happened!"

You all caps several times in story and I can see how you'd like to use it. ^-^ However, I'd italicize a few of the words instead of making them all caps. It'll add a better emphasis on the words and readers will like that just a bit more.

"Did she ate another pair of your Princess Tam Tam panties?"

'Ate' should be 'eat'.

Plot: I can't say much for the plot because I'm not sure exactly where this is going. However, I did like the conflict that was introduced in this post. It makes a lot of ideas float around in my head at where it's going to go. ^-^
Character: I have a good idea of character personality, but I think we could still get to know them a bit more.
Description: Since the focus of the story was on the phone conversation, I can't say much about description. I mean, if you had focused elsewhere the effect of the story may have changed a bit. Still, I'd work on it just a little bit more.
Overall: It was very interesting. With just a bit of work I'm sure you'll make this better than the great story it is. Don't forget about italics I mentioned and work a bit on character development. Great job and I can't wait to read more. ^-^

PM me if you need anything.

Smiles!
~Mira

It had me laughing as soon as I realized the crisis at hand. Nice contradiction - very irregular. Loved it. This is very, very good. I enjoyed reading it a lot - post more of it! I can't really say anything constructive, sorry, but it was very enjoyable, so keep up the good work! I'm looking forward to reading more of it!
ofir

Hi, Dreamworx. I'm just going to dive right into this: The girls' behavior and conversation is very... flightly. Very young girls might act like this, but I don't know how old you mean for these girls to be, so I had to point it out. At this point, all the capitals and gasps annoyed me

There isn't much to read, thus not much to comment on, but I will say this: You may be one of those people who need to do a headfirst dive into the plot right at the beginning of the story. I usually advise against it, but your piece is dragging out with these trivial matters, and perhaps mystery and inrigue at the very beginning will be your key. It's about about discovering your style and what suits you.

Well, that's all I have to say for now. I'm sorry if I come off as harsh - just trying to help you improve!

Good luck with all your writing and editing in the future!

KJ

It's funny. I like it. A simple thing. I find it rather amusing how dramatic the friend is.

My advice on how to improve, describe the room around you more. The actions. It'll make the overall story so much better. But I still got a rough idea of what everything looked like.

Overall good job.