In the shadows Part 1

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This isn't anything in particuler. Just a short story I wrote for my friend.


They were dead. That fact was never questioned. How they died, on the other hand, became a mystery; spreading gossip like wild fire. Some believed they were murdered. Some believed it was from illness, but no one ever agreed, and soon the intrigue that surrounded the deaths of the Keller family had become faint whispers in the wind on a boring day. For this reason, when the Atwood family moved in to the old Keller home, no one told them that the family that previously lived in their new home, died without any known cause.
Elle Atwood stood outside the ranch style yellow house. The green shutters flapped in the light breeze as a thick oak tree reached into the sky, shading the house from the glaring sun. Elle smiled. This would be a good start for her family. Her family was filled her with amazement. She looked around to see her brother and sister, Max and Megan, get out of the car. The twins looked at the house and shrugged as they lugged their luggage to the front door. Her husband, Jake got out and unbuckled their daughter Lilith from her baby seat. She was fast asleep and had her thumb firmly implanted in her mouth. Elle knew this would be a big step raising her brother and sister as her own now that she was married and had a child of her own, but her parents had died so unexpectedly and this house had been so cheap, she had seen it as a sign that she was meant to be here. She began to walk towards the house and a single leaf fell from the tree and glided to the ground. She didn’t notice it and stepped on it.
The inside was just as nice. It was spacious with high ceilings and no doors, the rooms just flowed into each other. The floor was all oak, and the walls were covered in yellow wallpaper that reflected light off the gold petals that gilded the paper. Elle went into to the kitchen that had the latest appliances. She looked at the clock. It was too late to go to the store to buy food so ordering pizza would suffice for the night. She found the phone book under one of the cabinets. She found the phonebook and ordered a pizza.
“Elle,” Megan called from the room she had chosen across the hall from the kitchen. Elle went to room with the pink wall paper, very much similar to the yellow. Megan was at the two door closet with a red dress in her arms. It was old fashioned and had buttons running down the entire dress; white lace lining the sleeves.
“That’s pretty. Where did you get it?” Elle asked.
Megan gave an exasperated look and pushed open the closet door to reveal a whole row of similar dresses in different colors. “The closets filled with these ugly dresses. It is like I walked into the closet of some color-blind Amish girl.”
Max came in holding up a white button down shirt with a black hat resting on his head. “My room is filled with clothes too,” He said.
Jake came in. “Our room too, and the babies.”
“They must have not wanted them anymore,” Elle said.
She saw Max’s eyes narrow past her.
She turned around to see that he was looking out the window. A large grey horned owl was perched on one of the branches; its bulbous yellow eyes gazing at them. It tilted its head and let out a shrilling hoot, so high, it sent vibrations through the air. It darted forward and bashed against the window. The glass shattered and it flapped around the room screech and hoot as it dived and pecked at them. Megan threw the dress over her head as if trying to protect herself with it and ducked into the closet slamming it shut behind her. Elle and Max tried to drive the bird out the window but it pecked with more ferocity and screeched louder. Jake pulled out one of Megan’s lacrosse sticks and swung it, hitting the bird in mid air. It was hurled into the wall leaving a stain of blood on the blue wallpaper as it crumpled to the floor. It hooted one last time and ruffled its feathers before it died.
“Is it safe to come out?” Megan peeked out from the closet; her eyes combing over the room and resting on the dead owl.
“Good you killed the pest,” she strode out of the closet fixing her hair. “It’s and ugly thing, isn’t it.”
“Let me bash your head in with lacrosse racket, and see if you win any beauty pageants.” He said while picking up the dead bird. “I’m going to bury it.” He left the room brushing past Megan. The door bell rang and everyone jumped.
“It’s just the pizza man,” Jake said. “Go get the pizza. I’ll clean this mess up.”
Dinner was quiet. Megan refused to eat saying she was too traumatized to eat anything, so she opted to stare at the wallpaper with focused intensity. Her pale grey eyes never blinked and she absently combed her hair with her hand. Elle didn’t question it. She ate her food fed Lilith then sent everyone to bed.
She was about to go to bed herself when she heard a clanking noise from the oven. She approached it carefully; the clanking became louder as she approached it. She opened it quickly and the clanking came to a stop. She sighed, the owl made her paranoid. She closed the oven and went to bed.
The next morning Megan woke up feeling odd. She sat up and saw a shadow behind the wallpaper, but it disappeared before her eyes could focus in the morning light. Righting it off as mere paranoia she slid out of her bed. As she headed to the bathroom she could see out of the corner of her eye what looked like a shadow following her. She swiveled around to see that the hall was completely lit up and there were no shadows. Still feeling like something was off she shuffled to the bathroom, and took in the blurry image of herself. It was at that moment she noticed what felt wrong. She was wearing the red dress from the previous night. She ran to her brothers room and was about to knock him out of the bed, but all thought of revenge fled her mind as she saw the dead owl nailed to his bed post. She screamed. Max jumped up in surprise and his head brushed into the dead owl. It fell into his lap and he stared at it for a second then he screamed too. Megan desperately tried to unbutton the dress, but the buttons remained tightly fascine.
Elle ran into the room in her night gown. She saw the bird and scooped it up. “I don’t know which one of you thinks this is funny but it’s not. Elle looked darkly at Megan and then Max. She left the room leaving the two twins staring at each other.
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~




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Hey! I noticed this hasn't been reviewed even though it's been up for a while. I hope I can be of some help to you!
OK, first of all, I love the horror/mystery/possibly supernatural theme. A spooky house and the mystery of its past owners can be a little cliche but I am happy to say that this is very definitely original. So double thumbs up on that! Secondly, I can see a great deal of potential in this, with all the family dynamics that I can see emerging here, so even though I've got quite a few things to point out to you, please don't be disheartened! I really liked it and I just want to help you make it even better!

OK, to the things I noticed and thought you could improve on - which are mainly very minor things(any suggestions I have will be in bold):

How they died, on the other hand, became a mystery; spreading gossip like wild fire.

Careful with semi-colons. I've noticed you've tried to use them a few times, and most of these I don't think you need. This is how I would improve this sentence: "How they died, on the other hand, became a mystery, gossip spreading like wild fire." I flipped "gossip" and "spreading" because I think that works better.


For this reason, when the Atwood family moved in to the old Keller home, no one told them that the family that previously lived in their new home, died without any known cause.

"For this reason, when the Atwood family moved into the old Keller home, nobody told them that the family that had previously lived there had died without any known cause."


The green shutters flapped in the light breeze as a thick oak tree reached into the sky, shading the house from the glaring sun.

I don't think "as a thick..." is the right word: "The green shutters flapped in the light breeze and a thick oak tree reached into the sky, shading the hosue from the glaring sun."


Her family was filled her with amazement. She looked around to see her brother and sister, Max and Megan, get out of the car.

This confused me a bit! Taking the previous and following sentences into consideration, I think the best thing to do would be take out the "Her family was filled her with amazement" sentence: it doesn't make much sense, and I don't think you need it.


Her husband, Jake got out and unbuckled their daughter Lilith from her baby seat.

"Her husband, Jake, got out and unbuckled their daughter Lilith from her baby seat."


Elle knew this would be a big step raising her brother and sister as her own now that she was married and had a child of her own, but her parents had died so unexpectedly and this house had been so cheap, she had seen it as a sign that she was meant to be here.

Whoah! Let's break this beasty down! "Elle knew this would be a big step, raising her brother and sister as her own children - especially now that she was married with a child of her own - but her parents had died unexpectedly. Since this house had been so cheap, she had seen it as a sign that she was meant to live here."


It was spacious with high ceilings and no doors, the rooms just flowed into each other.

Instead of a comma between "doors" and "the", I would suggest either a semi-colon or a dash.


It was too late to go to the store to buy food so ordering pizza would suffice for the night. She found the phone book under one of the cabinets. She found the phonebook and ordered a pizza.

Ah, I've done this before! You've repeated "She found the phonebook". Maybe cut out the second one like this: "She found the phone book under one of the cabinets and ordered one." I would recommend putting "one" not "pizza" because you put "pizza" in the previous sentence.


“Elle,” Megan called from the room she had chosen across the hall from the kitchen. Elle went to room with the pink wall paper, very much similar to the yellow.

I know you don't want to repeat and get loads of detail in, but I don't think this is quite the way to do it - as a reader, I'm a little confused in this section about which room you're talking about! Maybe like this: ""Elle," megan called from the room across the hall from the kitchen, which she had already claimed as her own. Elle went over to it, and the first thing she noticed about it was the pink wall paper that adorned all four walls, very similar to the yellow in the hall." Also "very much similar" is a bit too much - I would advise only one, and in this case "very" works best.


Megan was at the two door closet with a red dress in her arms. It was old fashioned and had buttons running down the entire dress; white lace lining the sleeves.

"Megan was at the double-doored closet with a red dress in her arms. It was old-fashioned and had buttons running all the way down it, with white lace lining the sleeves." Something like that would work better, I think. :D


“The closets filled with these ugly dresses. It is like I walked into the closet of some color-blind Amish girl.”

OK, you need an apostrophe: "closet's", and I would advise turning "It is" into "It's", because that fits better with the speech pattern of your (teenage?) character.


“My room is filled with clothes too,” He said.

""My room is filled with clothes, too," he said."


Jake came in. “Our room too, and the babies.”

"Our room, too - and the baby's." Because you're talking about the room that belongs to the baby, singular...


It tilted its head and let out a shrilling hoot, so high, it sent vibrations through the air. It darted forward and bashed against the window. The glass shattered and it flapped around the room screech and hoot as it dived and pecked at them. Megan threw the dress over her head as if trying to protect herself with it and ducked into the closet slamming it shut behind her.

"It tilted its head and let out a shrilling hoot, so high it sent vibrations through the air. It darted forward and bashed against the window; the glass shattered, and it flapped around the room, screeching and hooting as it dived and pecked at them. Megan threw the dress over her head as if trying to protect herself with it and ducked into the closet, slamming it shut behind her."


“Is it safe to come out?” Megan peeked out from the closet; her eyes combing over the room and resting on the dead owl.
“Good you killed the pest,” she strode out of the closet fixing her hair. “It’s and ugly thing, isn’t it.”
“Let me bash your head in with lacrosse racket, and see if you win any beauty pageants.” He said while picking up the dead bird.

"“Is it safe to come out?” Megan peeked out from the closet, her eyes combing over the room and resting on the dead owl.
“Good, you killed the pest.” She strode out of the closet, fixing her hair. “It’s an ugly thing, isn’t it?”
“Let me bash your head in with a lacrosse racket, and then let's see if you win any beauty pageants,” he said while picking up the dead bird."



Megan refused to eat saying she was too traumatized to eat anything, so she opted to stare at the wallpaper with focused intensity.

I don't know what it is, but I'm not sure I like the "with focused intensity" bit. I can see that you want that in, so that the reader gets that something is going wrong, but I don't think it quite works. Maybe this: "Megan refused to eat, saying she was too traumatized to eat anything, so instead she opted simply to stare at the wallpaper in her room." Or something to that effect.


Megan desperately tried to unbutton the dress, but the buttons remained tightly fascine.

"fastened" not "fascine"


“I don’t know which one of you thinks this is funny but it’s not. Elle looked darkly at Megan and then Max. She left the room leaving the two twins staring at each other.

"“I don’t know which one of you thinks this is funny, but it’s not." Elle looked darkly at Megan and then Max. She left the room, leaving the two twins staring at each other."

I think that's it! Other than that, I would also recommend you go through a couple more times and look at your sentence structures etc, to see if you can improve them. I do it - or I mean to, at least! - and it really helps me. Hope I've been of some help to you - at last! Sorry you've had to wait so long for some feedback!
~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company



Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.
— Rumi