Art

Art

First light brushes through half-closed blinds,
illuminating the sculpture that lies aslant beside me.
His innocence is crafted in that strong,
stubble-less jaw. His legs are slender and tough,
the oak of an easel. His breath is slight,
like the casual flip of an artist’s page.
His skin is a flawless silk canvas:
he will deface it with his own white paint

soon. His mind awakens
from its frenetic, Escher-like somnambulism:
his lips, once magnetised together,
now lengthen into a smile, the kind that electrifies the air
with its boldness. “Darling,
light me a cigarette, would you?”

Hello Gahks!

Okay. So, I seriously love this. Not even kidding. It's just the right length, just the right words, it's like a character sketch in poem form. It's a painting in words. which is what your poem is about!

The only thing I would change would be the word "stubble-less." It doesn't roll off the tongue like the rest, imo, it's a little too awkward. What about smooth? Or something.

Anyway, it was good. Especially the dialogue; it gives me such a good idea of this artist character. Also, I thought you were speaking of a literal sculpture at first, and then he spoke and it's like "Oh!" and I like that surprise.



-Mars

Hey, Gahks. Sorry for the wait!

His stubble-less jaw, sharpened as if by a lathe, betrays
his innocence.

Now, I don't know about you, but for me '-less' and 'as if by a' break up the flow that you had going. I think that this could all work as one line, unless you broke before 'his innocence' for another reason', if you wrote it like this:

His smooth jaw, sharpened by a lathe, betrays his innocence.

I also think that taking away the simile gives the line a different kind of tone that helps this poem become stronger. Right now, I think the beginning uses a lot of overused phrases, like 'first light' or 'aslant'. Maybe not necessarily overused phrases, but ones that are obviously poetic. They stick out to the reader.

His mind awakens
from its frenetic, Escher-like somnambulism:

Ahhhhhhh. Vocabulary words and allusions are fun, but if you have three in a row, it gets clunky. D; I think that keeping the reference to Escher is worth it, because Escher implies so many different ideas or pictures in the mind that it will save you, as the poet, a lot of work, and it gives the right tone to dreaming. The other words are expendable.

his lips, once magnetised together,

I don't know if you used 'magnetised' to add a parallel to 'electrifies' or something like that, but I think it would read better if it were simply 'pressed' or 'joined' or something simpler like that.

now lengthen into a smile, the kind that electrifies the air
with its boldness. “Darling,
light me a cigarette, would you?”

This is my favorite part. I feel like you could describe these characters even more and make this into something more, because it is only at this ending part that I feel any hint of a lasting connection with the poem. Maybe describe some clothing or something about the setting, something individual instead of generally human like you've already described.

Overall, this is a nice poem, and I love the dialogue at the end. I think you could try to bring the tone from the dialogue into the poem a little more, because while it's strong, casual, and intriguing, a lot of the language you used in this poem is kind of cliche-poetic and lofty, when the subject is so down to earth. [Especially if white paint means what I think it means.]

Maybe you did that on purpose. You don't have to write the poem in slang or anything, but simple language might work best for this one. xD I don't know. But think about it. ^^ Still, it's a nice poem. If all my suggestions have missed the point of your poem {as they might, because it might be just what you intended to keep it generally human or to use lofty language to describe something gritty}, then just dismiss them. xDDD

Hope I helped a bit. ^^

-Hannah-