Death/ Heaven

Hi Daisy,

Welcome to YWS! Make sure you check out the Rules- the first and foremost is to do a couple of reviews before you post your own work. That way, the site keeps running, and it makes others more eager to read your work if they see you've put the effort into commenting on someone else's.

Also, in my signature, you can see that the site will be down for a week in ten days, so that our amazing administrator can replace it with the incredibly cool New YWS. There's a backup site at http://yws.nathancaldwell.com for the week. Just a heads up there; I'd make a post in the Welcome forum to introduce yourself, that way you'll get all the info.

So! Onto the poem. I love sonnets, so I'm always excited when someone posts one.

When death hath found me at long last

After many a year passed pleasantly. <-- Poetry can bend the grammar rules, but in this case, you need to keep consistent with your tenses. You're not saying that many years have passed; you're saying that they haven't gone yet, but when they have passed, etc. So, there should be a 'has' before 'passed.' Or 'hath'. Also, I don't think the period should be there, as you have not completed a sentence yet.

Sorry about the grammar overload. XD

When all of my alotted time has come to pass, <--Speaking of 'hath', why did you use that in the first line but not here? If you are going to try and write in Shakespearean English, do so for the duration of the poem. Allotted has two L's.

-So long as it is not presently, <--I can't help but feel that this line sacrifices for rhyme, which is bad. It doesn't add anything to meaning really, but even if it did, it seems like the word 'presently' is only there because it [vaguely] rhymes with pleasantly. I would change this so it flows, even if that means changing 'pleasantly' as well.

So far, this whole first stanza could have been summed up in one or two lines.

I shall welcome it with open arms,

For to God's great Kingdom I shall be bound,

My soul, freed, shall float sky-wards, <--I think it would sound better as 'My freed soul' or something; the commas interrupt the flow of the poem.

While my body sinks into the ground.

I like this stanza. The problem I have is that you use 'shall' too much, in 3 of 4 lines, and it seems like you are trying to be Shakespearean but are really just coming off as pretentious.

And on reaching Heavens pearly gates, <--*Heaven's.

St. Peter with is book shall tick my name, <--*his.

And lo' entrance shall be offered me,

-My existance shall begin upon the spectorial plain. <--*existence. Also, this has a few too many syllables.

Again, the shall's. They get very tiring.

And here I shall rest forever in fabled eternal bliss,

So much better than the eternal damnation of the dark abyss! <--This line is definitely too long.

Overall, it was a lot better than a lot of things I've seen. You definitely have a good grasp of poetry, and sonnets, which is why I am giving you an ultra harsh review; so that you can perfect your poems. I am going to elaborate on a couple of things that I suggested above.

First of all, I said the first stanza could be summarized more quickly. That goes for the whole thing. This one is nice, it's okay, but it's not more than that - there's no bang, there's no life changing realizations being made here. No spice. "When I die, I'll be okay with it, because I'm going to heaven." Having finished the poem, I feel a little cheated. There isn't anything that I've taken away from it.

English sonnets typically follow the form ababcdcdefefgg. I know that yours doesn't, which is totally okay, as there are many types of sonnets and the only real rule is that they have to be fourteen lines. But! English sonnets are particularly interesting, in my opinion, because at line 7, they are supposed to offer a volta, or a change in perspective. That is, I think, what's missing in your poem: a change, a point, a realization. It feels more like you're building up to something, introducing the reader to your topic, but then the point of all of it never comes. I think what you could do, if you wanted, is to slightly change the theme so it's more universal; instead of "I will welcome death" it could be more like "you should welcome death" and that way, the reader finishes the poem having taken something from the poem.

(I'm really sorry if this doesn't make sense. When it comes to poetry, I tend to ramble and be all over the place with what I'm trying to say, so don't be afraid to ask questions if you need to!)

Secondly, the rhyme. Rhyme should add to the poem, help it flow, not hinder it by adding the wrong word or stilt the flow, which I think it does here. Review the rhyming, read the poem out loud a few times, and don't ever sacrifice what you want to say just so your lines rhyme. Poetry doesn't have to. XD

Thirdly, the Shakespearean English thing? It's really hard to do unless you've read a ton of his sonnets and plays, and studied the language, and really know what you're talking about. I can't do it. My advice on this is to - predictably - read his works and study the language. You can find some good language links here.

As I said, this review was pretty harsh and I want to emphasise that it's because this is good, but I know it can be so so so so much better. Keep writing - and posting (and reviewing) and PM me if you need anything, answers, critiques, or a chat. :]

-Mars

What do you think of this sonnet?

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