Consumer consumption

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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 16
You wake up and get dressed as usual. Put on some mascara, eyeliner, and even dab on a little blush. It's a work day, so you get in your car and drive to your summer job at Wall Mart. Today is a Monday (or what you call freak day) so business is, as you expected, slow. You are a casheer, so you have to be all nice and perky all day, until lunch break, where you can whine to your boyfriend who stops there everyday to eat lunch with you. Today, he couldn't come, he was dumb enough to get himself grounded, so you will have to whine to yourself (And then everybody will be calling you a freak.)
You know that today is the day when all the freaks come in, you don't know why, nor do you care, all you know is that it just ends up that way. Every single time. You hate it. You hear someone cough and look up. This is the type of freak that you call 'type one'. She has peircings everywhere, (not that you don't have a peirced bellybutton) and about a million tatoos on each arm. She is deffinately a goth, and a kind of hoish (if thats even possible) one at that. Her top looked like a bra, and her shorts like black boxers (very short, tight, black boxers). You put on the the fake smile and say, "hello, how have you been today?" it's a rhetorical question, but she answers, "Seduced... by you." You quit smiling for a second, taken aback. She isn't type one, she is type five, the lesbian goth wannabe type. You let your eyebrows rise. "Sorry, wrong team," you say as plesantly as possible though inside you are horrified that she would think that you were lesbian. "Oh," She says then leaves to a different check out. Thank God, you think with relief. The next cutomers looked normal, so you have a genuine smile when they came up. They look like they are in a group, (they also look like they are super rich men) and that is the strangest thing about them. Until you start checking them out. The list of items they have is: chew toy, steak, cow brains, pig feet, cow tongue, squid, octopus, (the wall mart you worked at had a large assortment of foods) cabobs, a black ski mask, rope, a shovel, a trash bag, a big bag of marshmellows, some febreeze, (it was the pine forest kind)a disposible cell phone, and a copy of a key. You tell them the bill, it's $286.02. (HOLY CRAP!!!) They hand you an American Express credit card, pay for it, then leave. Then the hottest of the group comes back and invites you to a party. "Um... maybe another time," you say. He shrugs and leaves. The rest of the work day goes by quickly, so when you get home after work you turn on the news. There is a reporter saying,"Later this afternoon a group of men were caught trying to sneak out a white bengal tiger, the main attraction at the Dallas Zoo," The woman pauses to shuffle some of her papers. "Police officials say that they planned to skin it, then bury the rest of it's body parts after luring it out of it's cage it steak, cow brains, pig feet, cow tongue, squid, and octipus. They would then make the skin into a very expensive jacket." You gasp with wide eyes. You had sold those things to those people! "If it had not been for the febreeze that they had sprayed everything with, then they would have gotten away with it. Back to you Larry," finished the news lady. Thank God I didn't go to that party, You think, still in shock. You go to bed. You wake up several times in the night so you finally decide to call your boyfriend. You tell him about what happened then he laughs at you. You break up with him. Go figure, you think.

THE END
Last edited by taytay0939 on Sat Aug 08, 2009 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Faerie world, a secret place
Where wing-ed things dwell
Ones from heaven, ones from hell.
Beware the consequences.
Don't you wrong them as you greet
And open all your senses.
Many rules have to be obeyed.
Break any...and in Faerie you stay




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 15
This was a very interesting story.

You know that today is the day when all the freaks come in, you don't know why, nor do you care, all you know is that it just ends up that way. Every single time. You hated it.

You have inconsistent tense here. It should say "You hate it."


You let you eye brows rise.

"You let your eyebrows rise."


the wall mart you worked at had a big variety of foods

"Big" is a poor choice of words here. "Wide variety," "large assortment" or something similar would sound more appropriate.


You also need to proofread and run a spell check before you submit a story. There were a lot of spelling, capitalization errors, etc. and it takes away from the story.

Lastly, the ending was rather quick and anti-climatic. If you play up the humour a bit, say by spending more time on the interaction with the men and the cashier and maybe show them being led away in handcuffs covered in scratches or something, that should help.

All in all, not a bad start. With a little polishing and revision, it could be very entertaining. :D
“Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.” -Mel Brooks




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 48
Wow.
I get being lazy, but seriously?
PAR-A-GRAPHS!
Not to mention spell check and grammar check.
Have somebody proof read your work-they'll have nitpicks you won't.



And, in case you expressed your personal beliefs in this:
(If not, ignore this. IT's meant to cause no offense either way.)

There's nothing wrong with goths or anyone else, lesbian, bi, or straight.
We all have the same flesh and blood. The same chemicals, etc.
Don't be condescending-it's offensive and you're 15, you've yet to see the world, therefore don't act so uppity.
"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."

-Nolan Logan



You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time