Sweetest of Me Yet

*edited
Sweetest of Me Yet

I love you darling dear,
I love you way too much.
You’re like the bitter beer,
I never want to touch.

Just come near me honey,
and hug me really tight.
Let’s see if you’re lucky,
I won’t put up a fight.

I like the songs you made,
especially for me.
They're memories that fade,
just way too easily.

Let’s dance to the music,
our hands joined together.
I’d be the lunatic,
ruining your fever.

I wish you were beside me,
enjoying good humor.
Where I’d laugh heartily,
while you sink in a stupor.

You’ll be mine forever,
that’s not the hardest part.
I’ll make it much clearer,
you just can’t have my heart.

I love this I really can't review it becasue I love it so much.

First things first; you did a very nice job with the rhyme scheme. The meter was very good, so, in accordance, the flow was, too.

My only concern is that, quite frankly, this idea is becoming quite cliche. Love songs and dancing have all been done before. I think this poem needs a new edge, something about love that nobody's ever thought of.

bailecielo wrote:I like the song you made,
especially for me.
A memory that fade,
just way too easily.

Just a nit-pick: perhaps you could say, "A memory that'll fade . . ." so that you'll keep the rhyme scheme and still have the stanza make sense.

If you so desire, completely disregard this comment, as all above, except for my little nit-pick, is opinionated.

Thanks for the reviews guys! Honestly, I don't like this poem quite as much as the others but I thought it'd be quite amusing to voice out some sarcasm because true enough, love poems are becoming cliche.

Abigail: Thanks, but I'm not sure i follow the whole "love songs and dancing" being cliche. Read the poem again dear. It's suppose to be sarcastic and that's the whole point of it.

Hey! I'll just say now that this isn't much of a review, but oh well!

I love you darling dear,
I love you way too much.
You’re like the bitter beer,
I never want to touch.

Really great, right from the start. :] This made me smile.

I like the song you made,
especially for me.
A memory that fade,
just way too easily.

Here, I don't mean to be picky, but it should be "A memory that fades".
I don't know if you meant it to be "fade" or not, so sorry if I'm being stupid. :]

Let’s dance to the music,
our hands joined together.
I’d be the lunatic,
ruining your fever.

This I don't quite understand, but probably due to me being thick overall.
Plus, it struck me as an abrupt change in the rhyme pattern you had going on ("together" and fever").
Still, like I said, it's just me, nothing to worry about. I'm still liking the way this whole thing sounds. :]

I wish you were beside me,
enjoying good humor.
Where I’d laugh heartily,
while you sink in a stupor.

Very silly. I will say one thing, I think it might be better as "sink into a stupor".

You’ll be mine forever,
that’s not the hardest part.
I’ll make it much clearer,
you just can’t have my heart.

Great ending! :] Haha. The sarcasm isn't too in-your-face, but it's definitely evident. Not too many grammatical things at all, so sorry I couldn't really provide any concrete advice. Anyway, normally pieces like this are all "I want you to have my heart forever". This was a nice break from that. :]

--- James