Trick of the Light

Just a story I'm starting. A little cereal- rip it apart!

Tim’s body walked along Petergate with a blank expression on its face. It wasn’t much of a body. Five foot three and thin with it. Nothing special about the face, either. Zits. Nose like Concorde. Weak chin. Glasses. A mane of carroty hair. No girls, aching with desire, followed Tim’s body as it turned into Cheapside, and if they had he wouldn’t have known. He wasn’t there.
August, 1940. That’s where Tim was. Hanging in the straps as his Spitfire rolled off the top of a loop eleven thousand feet above the weald of Kent. The 109 which had been on his tail was now in his gun sight. He smiled tightly into his face-mask as his thumb covered the firing button. The Messerschmitt banked steeply in a desperate bid to shake off its pursuer, but Tim kicked the rudder-pedal, eased the stick over and thumbed the button. Bits flew off the 109, which flipped on to its back and dived, trailing smoke. Tim followed it down till the pilot baled out; then turned, still smiling, and made for Biggin Hill. ‘Tiger’ Tim South had made his thirty-ninth kill.
His D.F.C had just come through when the din of a car horn split his brain and a voice yelled, “Out of the way, you daft four-eyes git!”

--

Tim skipped sideways on to the pavement and walked on, looking sheepish. It’s not easy being a six foot hero one second and a daft little four-eyed git the next. It’s a shock to the system. People where looking at him, with his flaming red hair and puny body. He could feel their eyes, the nosy prannocks. He turned a corner to spoil their fun and stood with his hands in his pockets, looking in C & A’s window.
Sports gear. A dummy in a jogging suit, frozen in the act of bending down to pick up a dumb-bell. Another on an excersie bike. Trainers strewn across the carpet in front of a plastic plant. A card saying ‘Slim for summer’.
That’s me, he though gloomily. Slim for summer. Weedy for winter. Ugly all year round. He was about to move when he noticed something odd in the reflection of the glass. He was wearing jeans and a teeshirt, whereas his image seemed to be in a dark suit and some sort of weird high collar which came up to his chin. His glasses looked different too, though his reflection was too faint for detail. He shifted his stance to get a clearer view but the instant he moved, his illusion was gone. He cupped his hands on the glass and peered in, looking for something that might account for it- a third dummy perhaps- but there was nothing. He shrugged and walked on.

Weird. Like I was dressed for a play or something. There one second, gone the next, like Tiger Tim the fighter ace. Still not to worry. Trick of the light, I expect.


So, what do you think?

Heya! I'm Cottonrulz, and this is my review! Very exciting for me (although probably not for you) since I haven't done one in a while, and it's good to get back into the groove, as it were.

To the point: I really enjoyed this. Nice and short, and easy to review, as the only things I'm going to say are miniscule, tiny, insignificant. I did think of a really nice adjective to describe it: profound. Your characterisation of the main character was very well done, and the bit where he's in his daydream/past life? is extremely accurate - I liked the details you included.

Now to my nitpicks:

It wasn’t much of a body. Five foot three and thin with it. Nothing special about the face, either. Zits. Nose like Concorde. Weak chin. Glasses. A mane of carroty hair. No girls, aching with desire, followed Tim’s body as it turned into Cheapside, and if they had he wouldn’t have known.

This was a really great opening. As the reader, I instantly got the idea of the character. It was just your phrasing that I would have changed, something like this: "It wasn't much of a body. Five foot three, and thin to boot. There was nothing special about the face either: zits. Nose like Concorde. A weak chin, [geeky] glasses and a mane of carroty hair. No girls, aching with desire, followed Tim's body as it turned onto/into Cheapside - and even if they had, he wouldn't have noticed/known."

“Out of the way, you daft four-eyes git!”

A typo, I think: "Out of the way, you daft four-eyed git!"

It’s not easy being a six foot hero one second and a daft little four-eyed git the next. It’s a shock to the system.

These two sentences seemed uneasy to me - I think it's because the rest of your piece is in the past tense, and this is present. I'm going to suggest putting it in the past - "It wasn't easy being a six foot hero one second, and a 'daft four-eyed git' the next. It was a shock to the system" - but that just might not work. An idea, anyway.

That’s me, he though gloomily.

"thought"

He cupped his hands on the glass and peered in, looking for something that might account for it- a third dummy perhaps- but there was nothing.

You want to have a space before the dashes: "...looking for something that might account for it - a third dummy, perhaps - but there was nothing."

Weird. Like I was dressed for a play or something. There one second, gone the next, like Tiger Tim the fighter ace. Still not to worry. Trick of the light, I expect.

This ending felt slightly odd. I think you need to have a "he thought" in there somewhere.

Overall, it seems really intriguing! It has the potential for something groovy.
~*cottonrulz*~

Thanks! Just out of curiosity, where is Gehemenal?

I loved this, it was just very easy and natural to read.
Are you going to make it in a multichapter story, because at the moment it seems a bit unfinished.
What I would say is that the ending seems a little rushed and the tense change at the end it confusing. I had to reread this a few times to understand it.

Nadia

Hi. As this is short, I think I'll just run through it and comment as I go, so prepare for a lot of me repeating myself.

As Cotton said, I love the opening. There isn't anything I'd do to it. It perfectly conveys the detachment of Tim's soul from his body, as such, and sets the scene as best you could, I think. I have a good idea of what he looks like, but through describing that you've also given me a sense of who he is.

off the top of a loop eleven thousand feet above the weald of Kent.

Maybe a comma after loop? Very much a nitpick. And 'weald' is capitalised in this context, is it not?

Bits flew off the 109, which flipped on to its back and dived, trailing smoke.

This is the only point so far where I've felt your writing slip up. 'Bits'? You can surely do better than that. It must be so much more than just 'bits' and 'trailing smoke'. So you don't need to overdo the description here, but certainly you can make it a little more alive than it is at the moment.

“Out of the way, you daft four-eyes git!”

Yes, 'four-eyed', right? Like Cotton said.

People where looking at him, with his flaming red hair and puny body.

'People were looking at him', I think you mean. Also, aside from 'flaming red' being a very overused adjective combination, I wouldn't use it to describe Tim since it's somewhat complimentary. So far you've been pretty dismissal of him and used 'carroty', which is better in context.

That’s me, he though gloomily.

thought.

Trick of the light, I expect.

This is a little abrupt for the ending. I would rephrase it, cutting out the 'I expect', because that seems to imply that something's following. I think it's just the use of expect...

Anyway, I like this. So far, there isn't much to go on, and I actually don't really know what's going to happen. The whole reflection thing is a little clichéd, so I wouldn't repeat that one if you don't have to. It's done too often for my liking, and just screams out to the reader rather than letting them come to a mystery in the story's own time.

Aside from that, there were only a few minor issues, and the fact that it's a little short, but that won't hurt you. You have a nice style and this was a good read. It has potential, so it's just up to you to take it where you wish.

I thought it was great. it was easy to read and understand. The opening was very intriguing to me, but it really gets the reader interested, and makes it to where they can't stop reading. Will you be adding on to it? (See my point? I myself can't stop reading it)

☺♦☻♥♠♣○◘•Taylor•◘○♣♠♥☻♦☺

This was always gonna be a multi-chapter story, it's why the reflection is so necessary.

Thanks to all who have reviewed, I will be making all the edits now

I like it. There was one word that really annoyed me. Tim 'skipped' out of the way, he's an ex military, he wouldn't skip, however weedy, however feminine,I don't know but it actually made me stop and reread. Plus when you use his thoughts put it in italics or use ' ' yer I forgot what they're called.
So, main story line good. I do think you could do a lot more if you decided to expand a little. Maybe make people less sure. Make people wonder
1.If it really happened to him or if he just wishes he were a soldier
2.If he ever returned from war or if he is actually in a dream state
Let it become a little more abstract in my opinion, just let it all seem like it could be false, because then people will form an opinion more than just read and nod along.

Well, I've just had a day of exams so be happy to be on holiday!