Alright, so I like your idea here. It's a bit typical and overused, but it's hard to tell being that this is only the prolouge.
So far your character seems whiny. Like the kind of girl I avoid. She's complaining about being a witch. Why? Can she not see her freinds anymore? Her boyfreind? It was all a bit confusing. If you could just tell us a bit more abot what's going on, it would help out a lot.
Next, you're speaking directly to the reader. This is a different writing style and i'm not sure if you got it all down completely. I don't know, it just sounded a little weird.
Your grammar was pretty good. I didn't really find anything wrong with it, then again, I'm not the best at that. (; Also, the ending was confusing. Not exactly sure what you meant. She was nodding but was she not going to go? I don't know, it may have been me.
I like this story. It has potential, even though it does seem a little cliche. This would be something I would be interested in reading. Keep it up. It's kind of hard to critique, being that it's so short and all, but it sounded decent. Please PM me when you have the next part up. I'm sure I'll be able to give you a much better reveiw. (;
Hope I could help!
~Tiger
Hermione, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor. You know, for the brightest witch of your age you can sure be a dumba** sometimes. *smiles* 10 points to Dumbledore!
This is an intereting idea, even though it's not so original. I was slightly confused in certain bits, but maybe it will be explained later, seeing as this is just the prologue. I just found one error:
I never thought that’d I was born to become something that nobody believed in.
This doesn't make sense. I think you mean 'that' instead of 'that'd'
Apart from that, it's perfect. I suggest you put some orginal ideas in this prologue, so people aren't turned away, thinking it's just another witch story. (which I'm sure it's not - you could take this in a lot of directions and I'm sure you'll make it different to others).
Keep it up, and PM me when you've got more! I'm interested to see where you'll take this...
The narration is wishy-washy and just unrefined spewing of information. You also wrote this like a summary, not a prologue. Its like Sabrina meets... well anything drama/teen related. There is nothing for the readers interest and even a chunk that size was painful to read.
Find your voice before doing this, because with this gossip-style writing it won't matter how interesting it is when the reading becomes impossible for your target audience.
When you post your works on a public forum, for critique, that means that you're accepting any sort of critique that comes your way. You can't just expect people to say "That was great!" or "Your work is perfect!" The world doesn't work that way, and the reason why most people post on YWS is for constructive critique.
You might be justified in your response if Ace Markaa had said "This is a piece of crap, you're the worst writer ever!" and had not justified it. But they didn't, did they? Perhaps his/her (sorry, don't know the gender) review doesn't sugarcoat things, but it brings up valid points. I understand that your writing is very close to you and it does hurt to have people say harsh things about it--it's happened to me, hell, it's happened to everyone on YWS. How you handle it speaks volumes to who you are as a writer, though. What will happen if you submit your writing for publication and it gets turned down, with no sugarcoating, by publishers and agents? What happens if you keep arguing with your editors and disrespect their advice? Being a writer involves having a thick skin, and it involves being able to take constructive criticism.
One last thing: never, ever, use age to justify insulting another member. I do believe there's a rule about this. Some of YWS's best writers and critiquers (two I can think off the top of my head are fellow Instructors, Antigone Cadmus and Evi) are relatively young. Age has nothing to do with ability to write or critique. That's just you being nasty.
I'm sorry for the thread hijack, but honestly, I've had enough of seeing petty nastiness on the previous young writers' forums I've been to. YWS is a civilized and supportive site. We do not bring each other down with insults. Keep your harsh comments to PM if you really feel the need to voice them.
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.
I just wanted to say that I was a bit taken a back when I read my first critique, I felt so insulted. But you have to understand that people are only trying to help you, to make your work better. I have improved so much using YWS because of people here setting me straight when some of my ideas have gone of track.
Don't be put off by it, just accept it as constructive criticism because in truth it is.
Oh and definitely don't say anything back to it, like the above. It's just generally not very nice and gets the site moderators on your tail :S
I did actually like this. It was a little generic but it was enjoyable to read, I was sucked in.
What I would recommend is...
-to space this big paragraph into smaller ones (it makes it easier to read and gives it a structure)
-Expand upon the little details; you say she's in highschool, is she doing well? Is she going to miss her friends?
-I also noticed you right this in a casual style, almost like her stream of thought. That's fine but you might want to bring her back out of her head sometimes as well. Like describing her room or what the brochure looks like, the sights, smells, senses.
I think this would work well as a prologue, then continue onto a chapter one. I do hope you continue with this, i am intrigued
Izzy
ps. Hay, I'm 14, doesn't mean I am anymore of a kid than you are .
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
