Checkmate

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I looked at her though my blond bangs nervously. She had moved her queen to my bishop. I struggled to keep myself calm, trying to ignore the adrenaline pumping in my veins. Peace, peace, I scolded myself. Being jumpy wasn’t an option in this game. Losing wasn’t an option, either. My life depended on this round. There would be no more chess in your future, I reminded myself futilely, if you won this. They would never enter your life again, and you would forever live in peace, without them interrupting your plans. Maybe you could even start a family and be quite successful in your career. But it was to no avail, and my sweat dripped onto the chess pieces. My competitor frowned at that. The men crowded around the table, cheering and booing. The clinking of money echoed though the small, dark room.

I picked up the bishop and set it behind my knight. She gave me a rare but mocking smile, and spoke for the first time since we set foot in this cursed place. “You have quite a penchant for fleeing my solders, Edward.” She lisped at me with her lilting Irish accent. I looked at her, surprised that she knew my true name. I used a different name in these parts ---which was Richard, a far cry from my real name--- and when I was forced into this agreement, I used that name. So she wouldn’t have known my real name. Unless you knew her a long time ago, I thought. Maybe you were even friends with her. I shuddered at the prospect. Maybe it was true, that she had known me, that she had even been friends with me. I couldn’t remember anything from my childhood, only some flashes from my teenage years. I only remembered everything from two years ago ---when I was eighteen--- to now. Shut up, brain! I thought. She just wanted to scare you, and make you move the wrong way. There is no possibility that you would have known her.

She flicked her waist-length, red hair back and seemed to sense my discomfort. “Of course I know your true name, Edward Gardiner.” My questioning grey eyes met her triumphant green ones. She cocked her head to the side. I started sweating again and my thoughts swirled all over in my brain. She looks like she knows who I am! Do I know her? Oh God, I’m being a sissy. Is that her intention? Yes, it must be that. She just wanted to distract me, and she is really good at it. “Come, Edward. Let us not play any games. I can’t read minds, so please ask me whatever your question is.” Does she know what I’m thinking? Lord, I hope not.

I cleared my throat and spoke. My voice was rough from long disuse, and my throat was dry. “Who are you, and what do you want with me? Please don’t tell me the same crap your guards told me, about you being the best chess player of all time, Madame. I need to know.” Why did I say that? Now I’ve provoked them. The men booed at me and threw something that smelled on me. Their dung, I suppose. I wanted to get the stuff off me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t make any sudden movements, or else my existence would be taken from me. That was in the contract.

You can take away my pride, my dignity, my home, my love, and even my family, but you cannot take away my life. I made a promise to myself: I would never die on other one’s hands. I would die on my own terms. Call me selfish, call me stupid, but that is the way I live. Perhaps the reason why I was so depressed was that I knew my life was threatened, and I couldn’t even lift a little finger to help myself. Not that it would have helped.

“Now, Edward, why are you so formal with me? We have been good acquaintances for a long time. We are on first-name terms, are we not? So, repeat the question once more and say my given name out loud.” She folded her arms and glared, challenging me to disobey her. We are on first-name terms? What does that mean? I really am now suspecting that I knew her, a long way back in my younger years. Why did she say that? I stared back, pondering what her name was. The game itself had been long forgotten and the men crowded around us, wanting to hear more. The only light bulb flickered, sending shadows all around the gloomy room. The torn posters and blood stains all over the room gave it an eerie atmosphere, but it was very familiar, for some reason. Suddenly a memory from my childhood flashed before my eyes.

It was a bright, sunny day, and I was standing in front of a small building. I was holding hands with a red-haired girl. She was very beautiful, and very familiar. She had a wonderful Irish accent. “Edward, go inside! The house won’t kill you.” I shook my head. “No, the building won’t kill you, but the rats will.” She threw her head back and laughed. She had a wonderful laugh and she smelled of strawberries and cream. She pulled me into the building and we explored every single corner of the eerie house. Before we left, we found a hidden side room on the left of the entrance. There was some light coming out of the holes on the steel door. We immediately walked inside since it seemed welcoming. The room was dark and gloomy, but it had a warm aura. We then decided to use this room as our hideout from our parents, and we gradually turned it into our study room and playhouse. We would paint posters and pictures of each other, and we would paste them on the wall. In a sense, it became our sanctuary from the cruel world.

A long time passed with us glaring at each other and taking in each other’s features. I surveyed her flaming tresses, emerald eyes and lithe build; she observed my golden locks, steel eyes and tall frame. Not until the clock struck five did she speak. “You don’t know my name, do you?” She said softly. Her face was sad, but her eyes told another story. “You really don’t know my name, do you?” She repeated, with more urgency. Now I really have provoked her. Oh well. I nodded slightly. She seemed not to notice what I answered. And then, she snapped.

“Answer me, for Christ’s sake! Do you know my name? Answer me, once and for all!” She screamed, her fury lashing at me. I cowered and ducked. She pushed the rickety table and the cheap chess set to the floor. “You don’t remember me, do you?” She shouted, stamping on the still unbroken chess set. I stood up, and answered her once and for all. I really need to do this. I can’t let a madwomen kill me.

“No! I don’t know you! I don’t even know where the heck I am!” I shouted back. Lord, if this doesn’t convince her to set me free, nothing can.

“You bastard! How dare you lie to me? You promised you would never forget me! You even cut yourself in a blood oath to me! Or was all that a big, glorious game to you?” She roared. The room seemed to wobble at the sound of her voice. She pinched the bridge of her nose in what seemed an apparent attempt to calm herself down.

“What?!” I said incredulously. How come? I don’t even know her!

“A promise is a promise, Edward. You understood that ten years ago. But now……you don’t even admit you made that promise. You promised me something, you know. Now I have to take it away from you by force. I don’t like that at all.”She licked her lips and stepped a little closer to me. I jumped back, startled. She came closer and closer to me, whispering. “You promised, Edward……” I looked for an escape route, but there were none. She had me cornered. I looked down at her beautiful face and asked what I promised her. Money, love, whatever, it doesn’t matter. The only thing is to get out of here alive!

The girl simply drew a gun from her big trouser pockets, pointed at my sweaty forehead and said, “Your life. Goodbye, Edward.” She clicked the trigger and the roar of the gun was heard throughout the whole house.

Whilst my life and energy was slowly draining away from me, the girl had opened the door and called out, “It’s all over now. You can come in.” The men, slow and sinister, came into the room. “My lady, you have done well. The whole business is finished,” The men said, bowing to her. She dismissed them with a wave of her hand. “You all may go now,” She said softly. She followed them out of the door.

But as she closed the door, she called out, “Checkmate.” That must have been addressed to me. I thought so.

And then, the world turned black.




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This was interesting! I definitely found it hard to turn away from and I wanted to know what happened. The mysterious woman is a very interesting character, both dangerous and seductive. Seeing her as a child was also interesting. It lets us see just how much she has changed and the effect that this broken oath has on her.

A few suggestions:
“You have quite a penchant for fleeing my solders, Edward.” She lisped at me with her lilting Irish accent.

I'm not sure what exactly you mean by "lisped." I picture her saying "tholdierth" instead of "soldiers" which doesn't seem to fit right, but that's just me. And on that note, "solders" should be "soldiers.

I would really like to see this story expanded, with more of a backstory, description of the setting beyond this building (Including how there came to be blood on the walls! :wink: ), how he wound up at this chess game, etc.
And I definitely with more on Edward and this mysterious woman! :D

That's all I have for now. I think with a little work, this could be expanded into an excellent short story or more. Good job! :D
“Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.” -Mel Brooks




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Hi iceprincess! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be reviewing your story for today.

So, the premise of this is certainly very good. While chess is rather cliche for deep talk and whatnot, it doesn't become an issue here. I would try to make the moves on the chess board synchronize more with what is happening with the players, Edward and the girl. Something like that is always very neat, if you can pull it off well.

But I do see a few issues with this piece. The scene where Edward remembers a girl like her is a bit too short and abrupt. One minute, nothing, and the next minute, wham. Now, it may happen that way in real life, sudden remembrances, but it's very jarring when it's put into a work of fiction. You may want to consider sprinkling clues throughout the narrative that precedes that, to help us flow into his sudden revelation.

All in all, a good story. You just need to tweak it and make it a little better. PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Returning your *awesome* favour with my own review :)

iceprincess wrote:Peace, peace, I scolded myself.

Should what the Main Character be thinking be in italics?

Losing wasn’t an option, either. My life depended on this round. There would be no more chess in your future, I reminded myself futilely, if you won this.

I think I understand what you meant here, but the way I read it was, "Losing wasn't an option. If I won, there wouldn't be any more chess, meaning I died." So you see what I mean? Kinda? It's a tad confusing. Maybe, "If I won, I would never have to play this game ever again."

But it was to no avail

What was to no avail? Normally this is used like this, "She tried to jump up out of the old well to no avail."

She gave me a rare but mocking smile, and #FF0000 ">spoke for the first time since we set foot in this cursed place. “You have quite a penchant for fleeing my solders, Edward.” #FF0000 ">She lisped at me with her lilting Irish accent.

It sounds a little redundant. Could you merge the two parts in red together? Something like, "She gave me a rare but mocking smile, and spoke to me for the first time in a lilting Irish accent, with the hint of a lisp."

I used a #FF0000 ">different name in these parts ---which was Richard, a far cry from #FF0000 ">my real name--- and when I was forced into this agreement, I #FF0000 ">used that name.

Again, the text in red is repetitive. Also, something that would be awesome - perhaps your main character doesn't know their name. They already don't know their location, would it be a far cry to say they don't know their name either? It would make the whole her-knowing-his-name thing really work.

So she wouldn’t have known my real name. Unless you knew her a long time ago, I thought. Maybe you were even friends with her. I shuddered at the prospect.

Why was the prospect of being her friend shudder-worthy?

I couldn’t #FF0000 ">remember anything from my childhood, only some flashes from my #FF0000 ">teenage years. I #FF0000 ">only remembered everything from #FF0000 ">two years ago ---when I was #FF0000 ">eighteen--- to now.

Redundancy again. Perhaps, "My memory had huge holes in it; only the last two years have remained in my mind that I can access, the earliest recollection is my 18th birthday. My childhood was non-existent."

I cleared #FF0000 ">my throat and spoke. #FF0000 ">My voice was rough from long disuse, and #FF0000 ">my throat was dry.

Redundancy again :P "I cleared my dry throat and spoke with a voice rough from disuse."

I couldn’t make any sudden movements, or else my existence would be taken from me. That was in the contract.

The only problem I had with this is that you never mention any of this contract/death if you lose/situation at all. Even near the end. It's all confusing and there's no conclusion to the confusion. Nothing is explained :/

You can take away my pride, my dignity, my home, my love, and even my family, but you cannot take away my life.

How does he know they have taken his family away from him?

“Now, Edward, why are you so formal with me? We have been good acquaintances for a long time. We are on first-name terms, are we not? So, repeat the question once more and say my given name out loud.”

I know you're trying not to give too much away, but "acquaintances" is just not right. No one calls their siblings/best friends "acquaintances".

It was a bright, sunny day, and I was standing in front of a small building.

This whole paragraph should be in italics to symbolize a flashback.

“Edward, go inside! The house won’t kill you.” I shook my head. “No, the building won’t kill you, but the rats will.”

Generally whenever a new person speaks, a new paragraph is required, so:
“Edward, go inside! The house won’t kill you.”
I shook my head. “No, the building won’t kill you, but the rats will.”


She threw her head back and #FF0000 ">laughed. She had a wonderful #FF0000 ">laugh and she smelled of strawberries and cream.

Repetition.

“What#FF0000 ">?!” I said incredulously. #FF0080 ">How come? I don’t even know her!

Choose one or the other, ? or !, you can't have both :P Also, the highlighted text really sounds a bit childish, you're pushing it a bit too far with the inside thoughts of the Main Character.

“A promise is a promise, Edward. You understood that ten years ago. But now#FF0080 ">……you don’t even admit you made that promise. You promised me something, you know. Now I have to take it away from you by force. I don’t like that at all.”

Ellipses normally consist of three periods: ...

The girl simply drew a gun from her big trouser pockets, pointed at my sweaty forehead and said, “Your life. Goodbye, Edward.” She clicked the trigger and the roar of the gun was heard throughout the whole house.

WHOAH. What? What just happened? That was way too little description of what happened :P Also, a shot fired in such close proximity shouldn't have missed, and the MC should have died instantly. Aiming at the chest would give the MC more time to die and would be more realistic.

“My lady, you have done well. The whole business is finished,” The men said, bowing to her. She dismissed them with a wave of her hand. “You all may go now,” She said softly. She followed them out of the door.
But as she closed the door, she called out, “Checkmate.” That must have been addressed to me. I thought so.
And then, the world turned black.

Am so so so so confused :/ Nothing was explained, it was basically a blur. A game of chess --> A flash back --> Some shouting --> Your MC gets shot --> And then whole business is finished.

??? Is this a part of a novel or something? The beginning? If so, then that's some heavy foreshadowing you've got there :P In terms of grammar, you've got a good grasp of it and know how to use it, which is fantastic. (Just checked when you wrote this) Oh :P Ages ago! Well, I can't imagine this review will be of good use to you, so feel free to PM me to review something else of yours more recent :)

- Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.



"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso