The Demon of the Sea

A/N: As much as I would like to have extended this piece, there is a word limit of 450 words. I have 451 here, so I'm skating on pretty thin ice as it is. Any reviews will be appreciated.


Legend tells of a monster who roams the blue-black floors of the sea. It is said that he resides in halls that no mortal has ever entered. When darkness falls, he fills his grand corridors with his imposing stride.

Lesser immortals claim that as he draws close, he shakes the very sea with his mighty thunder. His daunting image is enough to coerce even the most proud to prostrate before him. And among even the greater immortals, a tension, taut as his image is impressive, diffuses through the air at the mention of his name.

But it is at the rise of the moon that he chooses to display his power. As the darkness settles over the oceans, the seas become his hunting ground. Mounted upon his board of fire, he surfs even the most ferocious of waves.

When he hunts his bow is ignited by a flickering tongue of fire that lights the see around him for miles. Mighty tales of his hunts are carried by the waves themselves, for such great feats will never stay secrets.

It is claimed by the waves that he has only once been scarred in battle. The moon was bright that night. Over the seas, shadows of the clouds were painted sporadically. It was between these shadows that the sea demon surfed in search of his next victim.

In the far distance a human rode the waves towards the distant shore. The demon danced through the waves towards his target, his board blazing beneath his feet. He nocked an arrow to his bow as he charged through the water.

But as he loosed the arrow the human twisted, and it hit the wave harmlessly before fizzling out.
A loud voice echoed across the sea. “Who's there?” The demon froze. Had the human seen him? It did not matter.
“It is I, Master of the Seas.”
“And you would have me dead?” asked the human. There was no terror in his voice.
“You trespass on my domain,” the demon said.
“You are mistaken,” the human responded. “It is you who trespass on my domain.”
“You make an arrogant claim, Human. What gives you the right to do so?”
“Let the sea verify my claim!” the human said.

It is said that at these words, the sea sent forth a wave so mighty that it cast the demon of the sea far into the distance. To this day he bears a scar upon his back. The scar is in the shape of the human who dealt it.

Nobody knows where the human disappeared to, but rumor suggests that he has become one with the demon of the sea.

Hi,
This was really good and flowed along smoothly.

who roams the blue-black floors

Personally (and this is just my opinion here) I would just put one color or the other.

Nobody knows where the human disappeared to

Using 'nobody' here doesn't fit. You should change it to 'no one'. The whole story is written more formally except for here. It doesn't work very well.

I have no idea what the 'demon of the sea' looks like, though. You give almost no description. Although I realize you have a word limit so I won't get on to you about that.

Overall I really liked it and it flows nicely, but you don't have much of a plot behind it.

~Tayla:)

I liked this a lot. As TaylaChase said, this was very formal, and I like the medieval feel to it. (If that's not what you were going for, please don't be offended. My mind works in an unusual way)

I think this was my favorite part-When darkness falls, he fills his grand corridors with his imposing stride.

The only part that I didn't like was this- The moon was bright that night.

It just seemed out of place for me.

Since this was a school paper, I understand the need of the limits you set for yourself, but have you ever thought of re-writing it for a real story?

Good job, and if you do make it a story please PM me.

_Writing for love is a passion_

AKA- Lexie

Hi Master Yoda! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be giving you a review today.

I rather liked this piece. For having a 450 word limit, you have done very well.

My only complaint is the last two paragraphs, or, the last two sentences of the second to last paragraph, and the last sentence.

To this day he bears a scar upon his back. The scar is in the shape of the human who dealt it.

This could be changed to...

To this day he bears a scar upon his back, in the shape of the human who dealt it.

That would cut back on your words a little there. The last sentence really irks me. It seems out of place almost. I know you've got a limit here, but don't hint at something as big as the human becoming one with the demon without giving us a bit more to go on. Since you are pressed for words, I would suggest simply cutting that last sentence entirely, and ending the piece with the line about the scar on his back. It would make for a much better ending, in my opinion.

Again, I really do like this piece. You just need to tweak it a little. PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hey Everyone,

Thanks so much for your reviews.

Tayla -- I know I don't have a plot, but I find it tough to develop one with such a short word limit. I did my best to at least tell a vague story, but it turned out being more of a concept. Thanks a lot for your input. It was great and I'm glad you liked the story. Thank you also for your review on my prologue to "Dreams of Giants".

Lexie -- The line, "The moon was bright that night," was actually quite important to the story. It was meant to subtly convey that this was the time that the demon should have been at his strongest:

But it is at the rise of the moon that he chooses to display his power.

. I realized that this might have been unclear so I changed this little bit to "But it is when the moon is brightest that he chooses to show his power", thus foreshadowing the image. I'm really glad you like it, and I have actually thought of making it a prologue to a novel, but it'll have to wait until I've finished or got bored of the one I'm writing.

Conrad -- Yes, I agree with your comment about the scar on the back. As for the last sentence, I felt the same way to a degree. Not quite as irked, I think, but I was aggravated I couldn't describe the image more. I felt the need to put it in, though, because I wondered what happened to the man as I was writing the story. I have slightly rephrased it though, to hopefully sound cleaner. I'm really glad you liked the story.

Have a great one!

I thought it was pretty good, I didn't notice any mistakes besides 'nobody' should be no one. Other than that, it was good.