The Kingdom of Whym

[Edited as per Roon's suggestions]

Festival time. The time of the year that everyone from nearby villages come to the city of Quay to celebrate and take advantage of the swell of travelers to sell their wares at the City Square Markets. Quay wasn't the largest city by any means, but it lay a far distance from the capitol of Wyhm, and so was a keen destination for the commoners who worked the farm fields in the countryside. Adventurers from across the land also came, as it is a good time to meet up with old friends or make new acquaintances to adventure with. Nobles and Lords came down from neighbouring lands to celebrate in the name of the King - perhaps deliberately avoiding the annual ball in the kingdom capitol.

The Kingdom of Wyhm had been hastily united by force under the cruel rule of King Maeglyn, and even after so many years he was still hated and distrusted. The sudden overthrowing of the crown came as a surprise to many citizens, and word didn't reach the outskirts of the country until months after the incident, and even then only in the form of a tariff rise.

Quay was one of the first country cities to hear of the capture of the crown, and that was only due to it's convenient sea-side cove location. To the north of Quay were the Ridged Mountains, to the south, the ocean, and on either side of the city was country side as far as the eye could see; a week and a half of hard riding to the capitol of Wyhm at the best.

Also as a result of being so far removed from the reaches of the main city, and the additional benefit of being situated on the coast with a large harbour, Quay drew many odd and colourfully curious folk and creatures, and was known for it's shady dealings and underground network of crooks, whores and spies.

Thus, teamed with the festival celebrating the kingdom's thirtieth anniversary of the day when the surviving Barons and Lords pledged alliance to the Usurper; and the announcement that the king's fifth wife was pregnant with his fourth child, the small city of Quay became a rather interesting place indeed.

At the age of 29, Kahlak'tisht was a mere young cub, but with talents that far exceeded his age. He was a decent enough warrior, and had many skills under his belt, as well as being a hardened traveller. His appearance was as fearsome as his attack. He was infinitely proud of his leathery grey-brown skin, flat nose, and thin lips and deep set greyish eyes topped by furry thick caterpillar eyebrows.

We begin this story at a time when Kahlak'tisht was still furious about his arranged marriage, and so had snubbed Orchood to become a mercenary for hire. He figured that he could complete his first year of initiation towards becoming a full tribe member some time later. Scalping five other orcs, bringing back something from the depths of the ocean, and losing his virginity before he can join the herd and become a prospective father seemed too big a task, and he didn't want to be a father anyway.

Fitting in with humans after two and a half decades of living with orcs beyond the desert sands of Windbane was, as one could imagine, nigh on impossible. As all orcs, Kahlak'tisht is aggressive and as one-sided as possible, with the personality of perhaps a broomstick. He has no sense of humor when jokes are aimed at him, and has been known to bounce a few heads of the walls if upset. He finds all creatures but orcs disgusting and puny - the only beings he fears are giants, but they live in the mountains, and he had no intention of ever finding himself in that region or predicament.

After traveling the beaten road for five years, taking his time and terrorizing villages for the thrill, the orc found himself in the untidy city of Quay, and was completely unimpressed at first sight, and though he hated to admit it to himself, the city made him extremely wary for his safety.

Kahlak'tisht had already learnt to avoid the docks of Quay shortly after his first visit there. One particular shop across the slimy cobbled street of the main harbour invested in Orc-skin luxury items. Another had tanned centaur hides displayed in the front window.

It seemed that the only beings safe around the harbour were humans, or creatures that looked human enough as to not draw attention to themselves. At three heads taller than the average human, shoulders at least one meter wide, and long muscular legs, he made an imposing figure, even amongst other orcs, and so amongst humans stood out like horse amongst sheep.

In one part of town, far from the docks and squeezed between a blacksmith and a potion store, is a tavern that goes by the name of the Boot and Belt Inn. It was like any other inn in any other city. Nothing about it set it aside, and to the honest observer, it was perhaps seedier than the average inn. It also lacked a stables, though to be fair, an inn so centrally placed in the city didn't require one.

The orc's eyes, however, chance to glace upon the door of the inn, to which a note, hastily written on torn parchment, 'Looking for Group. Adventurers wanted to hunt the Black Guard up north. Apply within.' was heretofore tacked up.

In Kahlak'tisht's defense, he had been in the city for two weeks, was bored, and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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A/N: For those that are interested, this story goes on for much longer. Three friends and myself are writing it, each from the perspective of their character. . . like a Storybook, I guess. The above text is purely about my character.

EDIT: As this story has gotten some pretty nice feedback, I've continued to post the following parts after each review. So just scroll down if you wish to read on

Cheers, Jai

Hello, Roon here! Nice to meet you. Okay, I will start of with nitpicks to get them out of the way! I really like this by the way!

Festival time. The time of the year that everyone from nearby villages come to the city of Quay to celebrate and take advantage of the swell of travelers to sell their wares at the City Square Markets. Quay wasn't the largest city by any means, but it lay a far distance from the capitol of Wyhm,

Right, okay, you spelt travellers wrong here. Also, you keep using the wrong Capital/Capitol. I think, anyways. a good introduction though, it interests the reader straight away.

and even then only in the form of a tariff rise.

I don’t like this bit, it wouldn’t really tell people there was a new king, just that there was a tariff rise. You could just take this away. It doesn’t add to the story, you’ve already said he was hateful, therefore we assume that his harsh rule would include taxes, etc.

on either side of the city was country side as far as the eye could see; a week and a half of hard riding to the capitol of Wyhm at the best.

You say side twice, also it should be countryside, but it still sounds odd. At best, you can forget ‘the’.

Thus, teamed with the festival celebrating the kingdom's thirtieth anniversary - the anniversary of the day when the surviving Barons and Lords pledged alliance to the Usurper;

Anniversary is said twice, try ‘that of’? also, why is usurper capitalised?

At the age of 29, Kahlak'tisht was a mere young cub,

Assuming the man is human, 29 is ancient when you think about how old people were married in the old days of our society. Also, his name is odd, and as I was reading the story, I got slightly distracted having to read it all the time. I would recommend shortening it to Kahl unless he’s introducing himself to someone important. It makes the reader feel closer to the character if they’re allowed to use a nickname, also it’s easier to read.

He was a decent warrior with many kills under his belt and a hardened traveler.

Punctuation is slightly odd here. I would have done this:
He was a decent enough warrior, and had many skills under his belt, as well as being a hardened traveller. Traveller was spelt wrongly here again.

his pre-arranged marriage

Just arranged marriage.

Fitting in with humans after two and a half decades of living with orcs beyond the desert sands of Windbane, was as one could imagine, nigh on impossible.

Comma after was not before.

After traveling the beaten road

Travelling is spelt wrong.

It seemed that the only beings safe around the harbour were humans, or human-looking-enough creatures that didn't draw attention to themselves.

I would say 'or creatures that looked human enough as to not draw attention to themselves'. But I like the idea that humans are trying to assert their dominance, which is what our race would do in such times.

stood out like horse amongst sheep.

I loved this comparison!

it was perhaps seedier than the average inn.

Would they really have the phrase seedy?

Okay, nitpicks over. I really like the idea of having a main character as an orc, no one does this, it’s so original. But my thoughts are, how will you make him believable, but also identifiable to? You don’t really help us to like the character in this chapter, we need to feel something towards him, even if that feeling is hatred! But I feel that your city is a good part of the story, it is believable, and could introduce so many possibilities. Which means that your plot will be sustainable, however they can’t stay in this city forever, so you need to remember to pay as close attention to other locations as well.

Something I’m having trouble with is working out how advanced this civilisation is. It’s never really clear. Also, the bit about the King seems as though it is from another story, I think this is partly due to my not being able to work out what era this resembles. Well, you’ve set a background anyway for the rest of the novel, so I’m sure that all will be made clear. The thing I’m most concerned about is your getting the reader to interact with, not just the characters but the plot as well. At the moment I feel as though there isn’t much interest to entice the reader with, you should add dialogue and how he interacts with people, so we get more of a feel for your character. Also, you may want to bring in a narrative device to establish your city more. You could have explained the country’s past in a prologue, as to be able to delve right into your character here.

Well, I will be waiting for future instalments, so please post. It is an interesting idea, having the three of you write a story together, and interesting that a MC should be an orc. Really enjoyable, well written, PM me if you post more, I would be happy to review! If I’ve been too negative, or you have any questions do let me know, I liked this, I think it could be absolutely fantastic!

~ Roon

Roon.

It's American spelling - travelling vs traveling, harbour vs harbor, colour vs color. But that's okay, I don't expect you to realize that (realize vs realise).

As orc is a race other than human, their names are different due to how they form sounds with their mouths. The names are often harsh and brutal sounding, thus "Kahlak'tisht". Further in the story the name is often shortened to Kahlak, or the other characters call him "orc".

There is no dialogue right now, as it is only an introduction to one character, and the explanation of the city he is in - no he doesn't stay in the city forever. In fact, the whole group leaves the city pretty quickly. I was merely setting the scene.

I agree, Roon, with your ideas about most of the reconsidering of the sentence structure, after reading back, some do sound odd, so I shall revise that later.

Usurper is capitalized (capitalised) because that is his title amongst the common folk. Just like Virgin Mary was never virgin Mary - it wasn't necessary to have a capital there, but yet there is.

Capitol is spelled capitol because capitol means "place where legislation meets". It's an ironic title for the city because the city is the most corrupt in the kingdom of Whym; but it wasn't always so - we find out about that later.

"Seedy" is a common description for taverns or inns.

Do you really need to know how advanced the civilization is right this very moment in time? The next character, Aiisha, sets the scene a bit more.

In fact, here's the next bit (I dislike flooding forums with "prt 2 of my awesome story READ NAOW!" posts, so I just put the next bit of the story after my last post. I hope that's okay)

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[Edited as per Miniauthor's and Rubric's suggestions]

Axith sat on a wooden stool with a rickety table in front of him. On the table is parchment, a quill in an ink pot and his helmet - and a sodden puddle of mush. It was his second piece of parchment, and half the ink was gone; in his first attempt to scratch out a few characters, the table had tilted wildly and he had upended the pot onto the parchment. In disgust, and questioning his choice of inn, he had left the puddle of ink and ruined parchment on the table for the next customer to enjoy. His sword and shield lean on his chair.

Axith's eyes studied every passerby, waiting for someone to approach him.

There weren't many people in the tavern-cum-inn. A group of men were gambling and laughing in the center of the room, drinking tankard after tankard of honeyed mead. Serving wenches that Axith guessed also doubled as whores frequented the table often, sometimes delivering the drinks with a kiss, or a quick giggle-filled sit on one of the welcoming laps.

The innkeeper met Axith's watchful gaze and nodded barely perceptively as he continued to whirl a dirty cloth inside and equally dirty mug. Axith sat back as a boy came forward and cleaned his table.

From the kitchen behind the bar came some tantalizing smells of an animal slowly cooking on a spit, a spicy soup, and the mouth-watering aroma of freshly cooked bread. It was nearing dusk.

While he waited, and his stomach growled, he reflected on his past. For three years Axith had made the same journey to the Quay for the festival and was relishing his fourth. After seeing the bounty reward for the demise and proof thereof of the notorious Black Guard's up near the north, he realised that it would be perfect for acquiring money for his journey back and was now looking for a group to join him in this endeavor.

Axith was the son of a soldier and trained as such until magi discovered he could wield magic as a weapon rather then a sword. For some years he scholared until magic failed him and he left to search for his purpose in life.

Now, Axith smiled wryly, he hadn't imagined that his life would come down to becoming a bounty hunter.

---

Aiisha walked through the busy festival crowd milling about the City Square Markets. She needed to buy a few things urgently and told herself that there'd be time to browse later. It was good timing that she had managed to make her way to Quay from the Trisdale Forests just as the annual festival had commenced.

Hawkers called out their wares from behind items stacked on makeshift tables and platforms. Food vendors were immensely popular, selling sweets, candied meats and small hot pies for as little as a copper a treat. Beggar children ran around underfoot, and Aiisha kept a hand over her money purse, wise to their trade.

The fae turned heads with her stunning appearance; bottle green eyes, pale skin tinted lilac, long flowing amber hair, and perhaps more noticeable, long pointed ears that jutted out of her hair like antennae. Her attire was also worth mentioning; brown animal skin boots and a mottled green and brown dress with an intricate leaf pattern - a style that hadn't been seen for decades since the Elven War.

As a young child her kinsfolk were nearly entirely wiped out by the savage and bitter war between the Faeries and the Elves that had lasted a year and a day.

Shuddering from the unpleasant memory, she made her way to a herbalist store, not trusting the often fake wares of the marketplace stalls. As soon as she ducked into the store, she left the hustle and bustle of the festival, and felt safer. The shop smelled musty, and the air was thick with pollen; Aiisha loved the atmosphere and immediately felt at home. There were no customers in the shop to hold her stay, so after browsing through the seller's wares, she purchased a bunch of Ferorii leaves, whose healing powers were quite potent when mixed with warm salty water - she had run out of the precious leaves. After slight deliberation, and noticing how cheap everything in the store was, she also purchased some rose petals and sugared kumquats - they helped her sleep at night.

Aiisha also stocked up on arrows, an item easily found in many stores and stalls, and, after wandering away from the City Square a few streets, had her blade professionally sharpened at the best blacksmith in the city, or so the sign above the door claimed. It was then, while she was waiting, that she noticed the old tavern, and the sign hastily stuck to the door.

Smiling to herself, she decided to go in and see this man who was, "looking for group".

Light spilled onto the dirt from the opened tavern door, and Aiisha stepped in.

That was really good! I loved the description of the characters and the setting, you seem to know a lot about medieval times. I just have a few things I wanted to mention that just kind of bothered me (this is for the second part).

[quote]From the kitchen behind the bar came some tantalizing smells of an animal slowly cooking on a spit, a crisp smell of a spicy soup, and the mouth-watering smell of freshly cooked bread. It was nearing dusk. [/quote]

here you say "smell" a lot, and instead you could use something similar like 'aroma', or you could put two of them together like 'the smells of freshly cooked bread and spicy soup', rather than saying 'smell of' three different times.

[quote]Axith was the son of a soldier and trained as such until magi discovered he could wield magic as a weapon rather then a sword. For some years he scholared until magic failed him and he left to search for his purpose in life. [/quote]

This was a bit of an info dump, it sounded kind of strange among all the detailed descriptions, although I can't think of a better way to slip it in there without it having the same effect. ... and if you're going to keep it as it is, I don't think "scholared" is a word, but I don't know.

Thanks for posting this, it was awesome! Let me know if you're going to keep posting more of it!

~Miniauthor~

(oh, and if the quotes don't show up as actual quotes, sorry about that. My computer's having problems)

Miniauthor, I didn't actually realize how many times I used the word smell, and you're right, I can simply reduce it thus: "From the kitchen behind the bar came some tantalizing smells of an animal slowly cooking on a spit, a spicy soup, and the mouth-watering aroma of freshly cooked bread. It was nearing dusk."

I agree with the info dump, and I could surely place that sentence/paragraph into a bit of dialogue.

Scholared is definitely not a word. But this is a fantasy story. Anything goes

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Third Post below/the story continues (please remember that the other three characters other than Kahlak'tisht are controlled by three other people. After they had written what they wanted, I simply extrapolated their posts and added in descriptions [they'd generally just posted speech and sketchy actions].):

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From the darkness of the tavern corner, Robert watched as a beautiful woman approached the warrior Robert had titled The Boss, as he was inclined to taking up a position with him if the man would have him. He was in need of money, and taking on BlackGuards sounded like a challenge he couldn't turn down.

Robert had a shady past, tainted with magic and the occult, having attended a private magic school that consisted of rival dorm wars that required extensive magical talent to stay alive. As a consequence of this upbringing, when he left the school he had tried his hand at many dark and dangerous past times, and his role as a swordsman equipped with the ability to draw lightning, made him a loner, but very skilled in his class.

The shadows obscured his odd clothing choices, and once again he wondered why he had been sucked into buying a black cowboy hat and matching trench coat that just barely trailed on the ground when he walked.

He had bought some other things at the market today that had been forced upon him, but he had been lucky enough at being able to resell the useless items; a turnip in the shape of a man's genitalia, a side saddle and a fake gold brooch "for your lovely lady".

Shaking off the embarrassing memory, Robert regained his composure and sat still and silent, watching the exchange between the woman and the man from beneath the rim of his hat.

---

Axith's eyes watched the woman enter and breifly converse with the Innkeeper. They turned to look in his direction, and Axith rose one hairy eyebrow. The Innkeeper nodded, and pointed at Axith. A woman? A woman wished to join his bounty hunt?

Before she was even within conversation distance, he blurted, "You saw the notice? Are you interested in joining me?" He cursed himself for sounding so eager, and blamed it on the attractiveness of the female. Then he cursed himself for noticing her beauty. Axith's fiance wouldn't take that lightly.

Aiisha looked the man up and down. He looked a little uncomfortable and his disposition changed her initial attitude.

"What's in it for me?" she asked bluntly. He started to speak, but she stopped him, "I've been walking all day." She promptly sat and said in a friendlier tone, "Buy me a glass of spiced apple ale and we can talk."

Axith waved the bartender over and ordered a drink for them both.

He turned to the woman, "You'll get money and respect from this kingdom, but mostly money. Blackguards have been stirring up trouble and the King wants them sorted."

The drinks arrived at the table by the form of a young boy who winked at Axith. Axith shuddered and set his drink to the side.

"All we have to do is bring back proof we killed their leader. Shouldn't be too hard. An ear would do it."

"An ear?" the fae laughed. "That's no where near enough proof for anything."

She stood up. "If you think that this would be easy, that all you have to do is go up to them and kill them, take an ear and come back to glory, you can do it without me. I'm not doing this with a bunch of idiots." Inwardly she wondered what made her say it. She was the one who had wanted to join - it wasn't as if Axith had been the one to seek her out.

As Aissha turned to leave, feeling as if she had made a mistake, Axith grabbed her arm and pulled her back down.

"For one, I'm not an idiot, I know what I'm doing," he snarled. "And two, you haven't finished your goddamn ale." He let go of her arm, and Aiisha, sat once again. Aiisha chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully. Axith seemed fairly brutish. The force he had used to pull her back to her chair both shocked and alarmed her.

Axith reclined back in his chair, and continued talking as if the episode hadn't taken place, "Black Guards are inhuman opponents. Some say they're demons in human skin, others say they're the most powerful undead to walk the earth but some things we know are true; they all come from the Horrorlands, which proves their viciousness, they are fearless and they are deadly. I heard a tale of a group of sixth Black Guards killing a hundred men in a battle before all dying," Axith pauses for a drink.

"If everyone died, how did the tale get told?"

Axith choked on his drink a bit, coughed and replied, "Well I assume. . . that. . . well you know. . . I have no idea."

The woman smiled, and swallowed a mouthful of the bitter-sweet brew. She glanced around the room, and couldn't help but noticing the patrons eating dinner; slices of roast accompanied by a soup and dipping bread lathered in butter. Her stomach gurgled.

"Do not assume this is an easy task." The man finished.

"So what's the plan?" she asked. "I'm in."

Axith tilted his head sideways, "I'll put you on the list. There's no way you're 'in' without showing me what you can do first. When they ring the bell for midday tomorrow I'm going to be meeting everyone on this list," here he tapped the parchment in his hand, "out near the forest. You can hang around or whatever you like."

Axith looks at his drink and then starts scribbling details down on the parchment.

"Smart," Aiisha said approvingly. She wanted to stay for dinner, but didn't want to give Axith the satisfaction of her presence; she didn't want him thinking that joining his group was top priority. She threw back the rest of her ale, before standing. She unsheathed her blade and placed it in front of Axith. He stared at it, perplexed.

"Just to prove to you I'm serious," she said. "Don't underestimate it, and don't use it either. I can tell when someone else has used my knife."

Axith stared closer at the blade and noticed engravings and leaf patterns etched all over the hilt. He also wondered what the hell this woman was playing at.

"I'll be coming back for it," Aiisha said. She tossed her head, got some hair stuck in her mouth, spat it out, and exited the tavern with as much dignity as she had left.

First off, nice job! It was great that you added a little humor while at the same time being kind of dark and mysterious. I was only able to catch two things that could use a little work.

[quote]Axith's eyes watched the woman enter and he waved her over.[/quote]

When you say this it seems like Axith (which is a sweet name by the way) somehow knew that she was going to join his group, when she could have just been coming in for a meal or a drink. Maybe the bartender could direct her over to him?

[quote]"What's in it for me?" she asked bluntly. He started to speak, but she stopped him, "I've been walking all day." She promptly sat and said in a more friendlier tone, "Buy me a glass of spiced apple ale and we can talk." [/quote]

I probably sound like a grammar natzi, but "more friendlier" doesn't make sense. You could say 'more friendly' or 'friendlier' instead.

Thanks for telling me you posted this! It's great! (tell you're friends that, too)

~Miniauthor~

Hello, Roon again. Well I’ll leave spelling and grammar because you have a word processor, and I’m English so I will probably get confused, as you say. Anyways, I like this story, I like that it’s written by three people, which means three takes on things, etc.

Also, as regards to your comments, I know the difference between capital and capitol, It’s just you were talking about a City, and therefore it made me think it would be capital. As to your comment about whether society’s advancement, I think it is very important, an extreme example would be an army going into battle with swords and shields, but finding their way using a Sat Nav, people pick up on these things, so it’s something that needs careful consideration. As I said though, I like the idea of a MC being an orc, as it is original. Seedy was a phrase that came about in the 80’s I believe, so it doesn’t really fit here.

That aside, I like the storyline you have here, it seems sustainable and interesting. There are some sentences I would rephrase slightly, but nothing too major. However, you changed the spelling of Aiisha to Aissha at one point, I’m sure it was a typo, also you change from Black Guard to blackguard once. I hope this review was helpful, sorry for any waste of time I caused with the last one.

~ Roon

Roon, every critique is a worthy critique. You certainly didn't waste any time - you picked up on some things I might have missed otherwise.

On the origins of "seedy" taken from a google search: "I think we can safely blame this one on the vegetables. It seems that if vegetables are not harvested at the proper time and are left to their own devices, they will eventually "run to seed." When this happens, the plant passes from the edible stage of growth into the seed-bearing, or yucky, stage and becomes inedible, droopy and just generally a mess. Of course, it's not just plants who degenerate this way. Restaurants, articles of clothing, parts of town, and even once-stately motels out by the airport can and often do age, fall apart, and metaphorically run to seed. Thus "seedy," which since the 16th century had meant simply "full of seeds," began to be used figuratively around 1739 to mean shabby or ill-looking."

So it was around the early 1700s, but you're right, as a word, it wasn't used in the medieval ages.

I'll fix the mistakes you pointed out (when the four of us wrote about BlackGuards, we all called them a variation of that name).

And also, believe it or not, I haven't run the story through a spell checker, or grammar check, so there are probably many incorrect uses of punctuation and sentence fragments.

Thank you for your suggestions. Your critique was the first, and will be the one that I'll remember quite clearly

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Miniauthor, thanks for your last critique I shall change the part about Axith knowing immediately of Aiisha's intentions, and of course " friendlier" makes more sense than "more friendlier" as friendlier means more than friendly

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Next installment:

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Robert left the safety of his dark corner, and sat down next to Axith as Aiisha left the inn and ordered another drink.

"I like her, how long you think she'll last?" He asked, having overheard the entire conversation.

Not at all surprised by the seemingly sudden materialization of the man beside him, Axith watched the woman leave with a flat expression on his face.

"Feh, she'll last as long as she keeps the attitude. So long as I get the money I need I don't care. Why do you ask?"

Robert sipped his drink, "Cutting my loses you could say. . ."

The other man remained silent and tried to solve that statement in his head.

"Name's Robert. Put me down on your list," Robert gulped down the rest of his drink and patted Axith on the back, "See you out there, I know all the details."

Axith watched Robert return to his dark corner with a curious look on his face. What an odd and brief encounter, he thought to himself. He now had half a dozen names on his list, including Aiisha and Robert. Axith only needed three or four able bodies to accompany him - four men should be able to take on one BlackGuard, surely.

---

Kahlak'tisht strolled into the tavern, roughly pushing humans aside if they chanced too close to him. He swiped a mug of foaming ale off a serving wench's tray, and pinched her bottom cruelly causing her to squeal as she all but ran out of range of his offending hands.

Chuckling to himself, Kahlak'tisht dropped into a chair in front of a man sitting on a wooden stool that was about a foot off the ground.

This gave any casual onlookers an amusing image, as the table in front of him was clearly too high. It was a wonder that he could reach the parchment, and quill next to his helmet.

"You be the one wanting to kill off teh Blackguards?" Kahlak grunted, staring down at the man.

Axith's eyes passed over the orc, "That's me. I'm gathering a group to go hunting. You looking to earn some money?" Axith quietly rested a hand on his sword beside his chair, knowing orcs and their tempers.

Kahlak'tisht, seeing the minuscule movement of the man, roared and slammed his tankard onto the small table, immediately breaking the four fragile table legs.

The two males watched the helmet roll under a nearby table.

Nervous laughter and talk started up again in the tavern, piercing the uneasy silence.

The man withdrew his hand from the hilt of his sword apologetically.

"Yes. I would like some money." Said Kahlak'tisht, "And some scalps."

Robert still sitting in his corner, quietly watched on, a slight smile on his face.

Axith put a foot on his helmet and dragged it over to himself.

"I would very much like you on my side, but you'll need to prove your worth, not now, mind you. At the edge of the forest when the bell rings for midday. What do you say?" Axith said.

Kahlak'tisht grunted his consent, "Aye! I will meet you at this forest edge and prove my worth!"

He stood up abruptly and left the tavern without paying for the ale he had consumed. The orc made his way to the village markets, on the look out for an easy meal.

Robert shook his head, and under his breath muttered, "Silly orc."

Hello, Roon here, back for more lol! Sorry it took so long, I had to go and eat. Okay, so there are a few nitpicks to get through first:

"Cutting my loses you could say. . ."

Erm, do you mean losses, because if you don’t, I don’t quite understand what you’re getting at.

What an odd and brief encounter, he thought to himself.

I don’t think you need a comma here.

"You be the one wanting to kill off teh Blackguards?"

The*

breaking the four fragile table legs.

Personally I don’t feel that you need the table bit in there. It’s pretty obvious.

"I like her, how long you think she'll last?"
"Feh, she'll last as long as she keeps the attitude.

Is this in terms of the trial? I’m not sure I understand their dismissal of this woman, why would an attitude help her in the trials, they don't know her, I don't think they would be writing her off so early.

four men should be able to take on one BlackGuard, surely.

You write off the woman here again. Is there some prejudice that will play a part?

Axith watched Robert return to his dark corner with a curious look on his face.

Who has the curious look on their face? Be specific here.

pinched her bottom cruelly

This seems a little tame really, also, why would an orc be interested in a human. This doesn’t really add to the plot.

Kahlak'tisht, seeing the minuscule movement of the man,

Miniscule doesn’t really fit here in my opinion, try tiny or small.

"Aye! I will meet you at this forest edge and prove my worth!"

This fairly civilised statement contrasts with his previous request for scalps.

He stood up abruptly and left the tavern without paying for the ale he had consumed.

Consumed makes me think more of food than drink to be honest.

Okay, so there isn’t too much to change. Also, just a thought about the sign saying group wanted or whatever. There isn’t really an incentive, other than curiosity, for people to pursue it. And orcs don’t seem the curious type for me, maybe you could put something about the promise of adventure and reward? Also, the pub seems a little bland at the minute, maybe a little more description of the place would clear it up. The reader will not be sure of anything in your imagination, unless you show it to us. Neither do we have much description of the characters really, maybe you could add this, and also add some background for the characters, mystery is one thing, but we need something to connect us to these characters.

The tone doesn’t seem overly urgent like this happens every day, and in the sense that the only reason they’re doing this is for money. Surely there should be some honour that plays a part somewhere. Also, why does he feel the need to do this to get money, there are easier ways. You need to make us understand your characters as well as see them.

Okay, so you have considerable writing skill, but I still have a little trouble connecting to your characters. I would like to see more effort to sell the characters than the plot for a bit, because the plot will progress without the characters, try to build the two in together. They seem interesting, but you need to keep them that way.

Overall, you’re doing well with plot progression, we’re not getting lost. Also, you’re clearly working well as a team, and very quickly. So keep writing, it’s interesting and enjoyable. Thank you for your time.

~ Roon

Roon, you didn't need to reply so quickly, but I am rather pleased you did. I love defending myself

The whole "cutting my (yes, losses, not loses) losses you could say" is intangible even to me. I have no idea what Robert meant by it - remember, Robert is written by a different person, I simply put in proper grammar, punctuation and style (though I seem to have slipped up in this particular spot ). I'll have to ask the owner what he meant by it

"What an odd and brief encounter, he thought to himself."
Generally after a thought segment, a comma is necessary to tell the reader that this is the end of the thought. Especially if I end up italicizing all thought processes.

"You be the one wanting to kill off teh Blackguards?"
rofl. That was deliberate. Originally I had the orc sounding slightly Irish/Pirate. Don't ask me why.

"breaking the four fragile table legs."
I say table legs because I don't want the reader to think that the orc broke all four of Axith's legs

Ahah, you didn't notice that it was continuously *Axith* who dismissed the woman. That is because he has some reason to despise women. Robert however "liked" her. There's enough of a balance, and all is revealed along the way

"Axith watched Robert return to his dark corner with a curious look on his face."
"Who has the curious look on their face? Be specific here."
Oh that's good I could so seriously twist that whole scene now.
"Axith, a curious look upon his face (as if he had taken a large bite of a lemon), watched Robert return to his dark corner."

The orc does many questionable and vulgar things. I didn't want him to rape the woman, but I felt that giving her a bruise was enough.

The sign is simple and non obtrusive for a reason. Axith wanted people who only chanced upon the sign to turn up. He didn't want a huge fanfare about how he was up north hunting BlackGuards. It just wasn't something people promoted. Also, the orc isn't interested in anything. He's a fairly boring guy. He doesn't care for adventure or reward - just for his stomach.

lol - I don't know anything more about the other three characters than you do - they are written by other people, remember? This isn't a collaborative thing. We don't get together, argue about plot points, complain about character bios, and then just get over it all and write it. One person writes their part, and then we go with whatever they have written, and so forth. There is no set plot, but we've already written plenty.

The plot we have now though, can't all be explained right now - you need to read more, so with no further ado, here's the next installment

------------------------

As the next day ran on many more hopeful folk came in, some new to adventures and some hardened veterans of adventuring. Axith wasn't impressed, and was truly not looking forward to the tryouts. The city clock tower started to toll for twelve and Axith grabbed his sword, shield and helmet and made his way out of the city. He crossed the small rickety bridge over the narrow river, and made it to the edge of the forest and into a convenient little clearing. Up ahead, already waiting were at least five people, half as many that said they'd be there.

Kahlak'tisht was one of the warriors waiting for the man "looking for group", and munched on a nearby tree branch. Around him, but not too close, were four or more other warriors.

Robert stood amongst them dressed in his regular outfit of dark leather hat, trenchcoat, boots and gloves, which was of course, quite suiting for his craft. He and his fellow students back at school would always brag of lightning's speed and the agility needed to dodge a misfired bolt. It made infinite sense to him to be lightly dressed. The only thing that could slow him down was his sword, but it never did.

Two other of the warriors present were showing off with training exercises, and the orc snorted. Smirking to himself, he hefted a fairly large rock off the forest floor and threw it at one of the warriors doing push ups.

It smacked straight against the side of the man's head, and he didn't get up.

Kahlak'tisht whistled to himself and averted his eyes, but the act wasn't missed by the fae nestled in a nearby tree. Aiisha glared at the orc, who was guffawing loudly at his great aim. From her vantage point, Aiisha could see all the men who had traipsed to the forest, but there was no sign of Axith yet.

She sighed, and idly picked a large nut from the tree branch she was sitting on. Grinning, she pegged the nut at the orc's head. Kahlak'tisht's eyes grew wide with shock, and he rubbed the little red welt that appeared on his skull. He glanced upwards, but didn't notice Aiisha, who blended in perfectly with the dappled shade of the forest.

In the confusion, Axith arrived and looked up and down the people he had on offer. Some were born adventurers, some would never make the cut.

"Alright. All of you come here."

Axith watched patiently as everyone made their way over, "I want you to tell me your skills, and then prove that you can do them. Any volunteers?"

Kahlak'tisht stepped forward, his forehead still smarting, "I can tear a man in two!" he roared.

Grinning, he snatched a man from beside him, and held the wriggling sapien above his head with his two paws. No one quite sees what happens as the flailing man is knocked away and goes flying out of Kahlak'tisht's grasp.

Robert appears a few feet away from the Orc quietly putting away his sword. He says calmly, "Why stop at just two pieces?"

Kahlak'tisht looked at the man wearing the ridiculous leather hat that had just questioned him, "I didn't get a chance."

The orc whirled around and looked for the person who had knocked the man from his hands. "Who did it?!" Kahlak growled. Some of the surrounding men snickered at the orc's denseness. Robert stood still, and didn't own up to his act.

A sudden movement drew attention to Aiisha as she dropped gracefully from the tree branch, landing just behind Axith.

"That's some strength you've got there," she said to the orc, impressed. The men watched as the woman talked coolly to the man who had been "looking for group". Speaking in a lower voice, directed at Axith she said, "You still have my blade. Can I have it back please?"

As they conversed, the orc turned back to Ridiculous Hat Man, "Who are you?"

Robert ran a hand around the rim of his hat, "The name's Robert... A lightningmancer. Your kind will just cut our kind down, you've proven that already. You've already made the cut, that is of course," here he unsheathed his sword, "you wish to prove your mantle?"

Sparks twisted around Robert's sword and his eyes glowed a light blue.

Axith noticed the impending trouble and slammed his sword into the ground and a spray of flames shot up around it, "There'll be none of that!"

The creature and the man ignored the order. After a while, the orc snorted at Robert's challenge, but wisely backed down.

"I wouldn't attack a wizard. I'm about as magical as a rock, and twice as vulnerable towards it than man." Kahlak'tisht reached out for Robert's hand and shook it roughly. Robert had trouble keeping on his feet as the orc near shook him to pieces.

Axith hid a smile and said, "The orc and Robert can join me. Anyone else got a skill or trick?"

Kahlak let the man in the hat go, and said to Axith, "This puny female here," he indicated towards the woman who was still standing behind Axith, "believes she is worthy of joining."

"Humph," Aiisha said. "Size means nothing,"

Aiiisha closed her eyes, and started humming in a high pitched tone. The air around her seemed to ripple, and a huge void appeared; two pale replicas of Aiisha appeared, bows at the ready.

"They shoot to kill," she said. "They last for about five minutes of battle."

She held up her hand and signaled the two eerie Aiisha look-alikes to shoot. They aimed for the nearest tree, and moved with such speed and accuracy that their entire quiver of arrows were finished in under a minute.

"The downside?" she said, glancing at the men's dumbfounded expressions. "It tires me out afterward." The two fake Aiishas rippled and faded into nothingness, and Aiisha slumped slightly.

"I do believe, you still have my knife," she said to Axith. "Shall I show you what that does too?"

Ignoring her question, Axith walked over to the tree, plucked out several arrows and tested them.

"Fine, you're in too. Does anyone else have anything to show?"

The others move away, intimidated by the highly aggressive orc. Axith grumbled. He waited until only Kahlak'tisht, Robert and Aiisha remained within earshot, before speaking.

"Okay, you lot can come with me. If you doubt my abilities I have a good arm with a sword and I'm pretty weak with fire magic. But I'm also darn persistent. Now we're going Blackguard hunting to the north in two days time. Blackguards are the most vicious of man-creatures you'll meet, so be prepared. The journey will take two to three days and we'll hopefully not spend too long searching. Any of you have any questions? If not, meet me at the Belt and Buckle Inn in two days at noon."

Kahlak'tist smirked and said in a slow drawl, "What are we being paid? And why are we heading off two days from now? I'm ready to set off now."

To prove his point, he chased and shoved one of the men who had shifted slowly away from within his arm reach, and the unlucky man went sprawling onto the forest floor.

"See?" the orc grinned, "Fast as lightning!"

"Kahlak'tisht," Aiisha said bluntly. "You've proved your goddamn point, now is it necessary to hit everyone in your vicinity?"

She jumped lithely up into the tree, deftly climbing from branch to branch. Kahlak swiped at her angrily, but his lumbering movements only made her jump higher out of his reach. Aiisha let out a glittering laugh, before slowly getting more and more harder to see.

Robert kept to himself, and shared a sympathetic smile with Axith.

"I'll spare you the details!" Axith called to Kahlak'tisht who was still jumping around trying to reach Aiisha, "We'll discuss payment two days from now."

The leader of the group nodded a farewell at Robert, and then left the clearing, heading to the nearest inn, seeking to nurse the headache that was pounding at his forehead. Axith retired to his room sighing and trying to get his head around the people he was going to have to work with. An aggressive orc, a rival mage and a girl. What in the world had he gotten himself into?

Roon here! I’m sure you know my routine by now, nitpicks:

The city clock tower started to toll for twelve

I think you can forget the ‘for’

the small rickety bridge

Comma after small.

Robert stood amongst them dressed in his regular outfit of dark leather hat, trenchcoat, boots and gloves,

This was oddly phrased, I think you need to say of a dark leather hat, a trenchcoat, etc. also, I think trench coat is two words, but I may be wrong.

which was of course, quite suiting for his craft.

Suitable. Although you may mean fitting.

It smacked straight against the side of the man's head, and he didn't get up.

Drop the and.

Kahlak'tisht whistled to himself and averted his eyes, but the act wasn't missed by the fae nestled in a nearby tree. Aiisha glared at the orc, who was guffawing loudly at his great aim.

Okay, he starts off by pretending he didn’t do it, but by the end of the sentence he is showing pride.

Grinning, she pegged the nut at the orc's head.

Pegged? Seems like an action more like running to me, people have been known to peg it out of somewhere. You seem, or whoever wrote this section, to be avoiding using the word throw at all costs. I’m not entirely sure why.

"I want you to tell me your skills, and then prove that you can do them.

And prove that you have them.

Grinning, he snatched a man from beside him, and held the wriggling sapien above his head with his two paws. No one quite sees what happens as the flailing man is knocked away and goes flying out of Kahlak'tisht's grasp.

Your tenses are all over the place here. You could put no one quite saw that would work.

Kahlak'tisht looked at the man wearing the ridiculous leather hat that had just questioned him

Haha, by this punctuation, I believe you say that a hat questioned him! Comma after man and after hat should sort this out I believe.

Kahlak growled.

He seems like more of a snarler to me!

Some of the surrounding men snickered at the orc's denseness.

I think you may mean sniggered. Or maybe it’s just my English spelling again lol!

Ridiculous Hat Man

I loved this bit!

The journey will take two to three days and we'll hopefully not spend too long searching.

And hopefully we won’t have to spend too long searching.

more and more harder to see.

Bad, bad grammar, harder or more hard, never both. I suggest harder, it sounds better, less… mechanic, for want of a better word.

the headache that was pounding at his forehead. Axith retired to his room sighing and trying to get his head

You use head or forehead three times in this bit, maybe a little rewording?

Okay, I’ve already said that I like the story, and the overall bits from all other reviews still stand, so there’s not much to do except nitpick. Righty, the thing you most need to work on, as I’ve said before, is setting the scene in terms of society and the places they’re in. we don’t get much description of this. Also the characters, you need to liven them up a little. I mean they’re fascinating characters, and you’ve covered all bases in terms of personality, I think, you just need to bring them out a little more.

Having said that, I feel we can gauge a lot about each MC from this bit, clear bits of their personality come through. Kahlak'tisht is wonderful in his simplicity. He is everything we expect from an orc. And sometimes we need familiarity.

So basically, I like this, it’s very professionally done and is very enticing, thank you for posting, and thank you for letting me know when you post, please continue to do so! A pleasure to read as always!

~ Roon

Roon, once again, thanks for your critique

Trenchcoat is two words, but it's fantasy Roll with it.

"Kahlak'tisht whistled to himself and averted his eyes, but the act wasn't missed by the fae nestled in a nearby tree. Aiisha glared at the orc, who was guffawing loudly at his great aim."
I wrote the part about the orc whistling, and then my friend wrote the next part. I didn't pick up on the contradiction.

Pegged is Australian slang for throw. It wasn't a word used in the medieval ages regardless, so I'll cut it out (again not my writing )

"Grinning, he snatched a man from beside him, and held the wriggling sapien above his head with his two paws. No one quite sees what happens as the flailing man is knocked away and goes flying out of Kahlak'tisht's grasp."
You're right of course. My tenses are all over the place. Mainly because once again, I wrote something, and then another person wrote the next part. I did a poor job of merging it

"more and more harder to see."
Bad, bad grammar, harder or more hard, never both.
Rofl. Once again, not my writing I should really go over the stuff I didn't write.

Thanks again, Roon

-------------------------------

Next installment

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Two days pass slowly as the festival continues, with minor inconveniences, such as people going missing, bodies turning up around the docks, and plenty of suspicious dealings in the shadier parts of the city. The parade signaled the end of the yearly festival - the day Axith planned to meet everyone.

Kahlak'tisht watched the parade go by, and chortled at the fools juggling and making faces and at the children on stilts, steady despite their height. His eyes glanced appreciatively at the belly dancers that sauntered past, and the two men who twirled with knives and daggers behind them.

Tired of the parade, Kahlak finally entered the Belt and Buckle. The orc immediately noticed the puny female who had taunted him two suns ago, seated crosslegged upon the table he had previously destroyed, in front of Axith who was nursing a drink.

He was close enough to hear their conversation. "- jelly flower?" she said to Axith, brandishing a small bright pink flower at him. Axith stared at it, and Aiisha laughed.

"You eat it, silly," she said. With that, she popped the jelly flower into her mouth and chewed silently.

A sadistic grin twisted the orc's lips, and he walked over to the same table he had ruined a couple of days ago.

"I broke this table, why did it not remain broken!" With no warning, he rent the mended table in two with his massive fists, sending the woman flying onto the floor. She rolled under a nearby table, and the orc couldn't help but reminded of the helmet that had done the same thing.

Aiisha started to cough up little pink gobs.

"Afternoon Axith." Said Kahlak'tisht, "We leaving any time soon?"

Aiisha growled from her position on the floor. "I HATE ORCS!" she screamed.

Aiisha started humming, a lower pitch than before, and her blade glowed red hot in Axith's sheath. With her hands, she began to make a weaving pattern and the blade slid out of the sheath, and flew towards Kahlak's head.

Kahlak shrieked with joy at the prospect of a fight and yielded his own knife. Aiisha grinned. She began the weaving motions with her hands again and the blade lengthened, and changed to be the same consistency of rubber. She yanked her hands backwards violently, and the blade spun around the orc numerous times, and grew tighter and tighter around him, as Aiisha pulled her hands further away from each other. The orc struggled, but it only made the bonds tighter.

"I can keep them as rubber, Orc," she said politely. "Or, I can change them to blades again. Want to see what would happen?"

Kahlak'tisht grunted in surprise. "Witch! Filthy witch!" He shouted and struggled.

In desperation, he chewed on the rubber bond nearest to his mouth, ignoring the incredible stench it gave, but spat it out immediately due to the taste. Now, an orc eats many disgusting things in it's lifetime, but Kahlak had never tasted something as atrocious as this.

"Torak's Teeth! What the blazes is this made out of? Dragon dung? Then coated in your armpit hairs and pissed on?"

The tavern rang out with laughter. He stopped struggling, and scowled at the grins on the faces all around him.

"Release me, wench!" The orc cried, "Release me, and we shall call it even. For now."

Axith tutted at the display and couldn't help thinking that it was going to be a long trip.

"I'm not a witch, "Aiisha said slowly.

She stood from underneath the table, rubbing her neck. Her eyes glowered and her face took on a painful grimace. She starting humming again, and weaved the blade back to the size and material it was before, and sheathed it to her waist.

"I'm a Faerie."

The orc sneezed, "Excuse me." He said, wiping his nose dramatically, "I'm allergic to bullshit."

He brushed off his leather jerkin, and rolled his neck, "Everyone knows that the Faerie were hunted to extinction." Kahlak'tisht bared his teeth at the woman, "You're no more Fae than I am."

"Believe what you want to believe," Aiisha said.

"I was young when the annihilation of my race began. My family was killed first, I was in the forest with my friends when we heard the screams. We stayed there, and waited for what seemed like eons. When we returned to our homes, all we saw was fire and burned corpses and blood." She paused. "There was so much blood. There were four of us left, myself, Antinia, Ferochi and Grechia. We were distraught. I survived and my family didn't. Lucky me, huh?"

She stared at the Orc, "I am a Faerie." she said quietly.

Kahlak'tisht averted his eyes and sniffed. "I am sorry fer your loss." He said gruffly, "But you fae were asking for it, flaunting your agelessness, speed and agility. Twas only a matter of time."

The orc turned to Axith, rapped him on the side of the head a couple of times, "Knock knock! Anybody home? We leaving?"

Axith sighed deeply.

"Just waiting for Robert, though he'll be kicking around somewhere nearby no doubt. I'll tell you how money is going to work. When we come back to take our reward we'll split the money and loot evenly. On the track any looted weapons and armour will go to who can best use them. You can take whatever you can carry but if it slows you down I'll throw it in a river."

The orc laughed, "I guess the fae will be always drenched then, eh?"

Aiisha started the low pitch hum again, and her knife glowed red hot.

A flame shot from Axith's sword passing Aiisha's face and hitting the wall.

"I'm bloody done with your fighting. Now if you can't wait for Robert you can go find someone else to work with," Axith snapped.

Kahlak'tisht ignored the imminent threat of the Smelly Rubber Bonds, and the near burning of Aiisha's head, and tells Axith, "I have to have five scalps by this time next moon if I want to remain an orc. We need to get a move on."

The orc stamps his foot impatiently, "When the Ridiculous Hat Man shows his face again. . ." He smashed his large forehead against a wooden support beam, and it cracked.

". . . I was only teasing," Aiisha grumbled to no one in particular.

Appearing from apparently nowhere, Robert placed his hand on Aiisha's shoulder, "Now now... Don't want to upset Axith with all this team fighting. Besides, we need the orc's strength."

Cracking an ever-so-sudden smile Robert removes his hand from Aiisha's shoulder and sits close by her. Axith looks from Aiisha to Kahlak to Robert.

"There's no time to sit Robert, we're leaving now," Axith said.

Kahlak'tisht grinned, twisting his face into what a human considered an ugly grimace, "Where we off to, Boss?"

Hey Jai, Haven't seen you around the site in ages, but then I haven't been overly active either. Hope you don't mind but I did a quick skim of the whole lot, ignoring most of the finicky detail and what had already been pointed out.

I wouldn’t call the prostitutes Pleasurers – it’s a needless contrivance given the term already has so many synonyms: prostitutes, whores, or if you want something classier; Courtesan or even Concubine. Firefly had Companions, which were classy indeed.

whirl a dirty cloth inside and equally dirty mug

“Whirl” is too dexterous a movement, unless this guy is a veteran and this is classified as character development. The dirty cloth/dirty mug thing has been cropping up in fiction more often and I think I’ve traced the recent outbreak to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, where the Barman at the Hog’s head does it during the first meeting of the DA.

The “looking for group” line reminds me of WOW, and the mildly derivative lfgcomic.com, but there’s a heavy DND adventure vibe anyway, so it fits the atmosphere quite nicely.

swordsman equipped with the ability to draw lightning

Unless “drawing” is going to become the specific terminology for magical specialities, I’d go with something the reader will identify with more quickly, like “conjuring” “controlling” “manipulating” etcetera.
Also watch out because from this character’s description I’m immediately worried about him being overpowered .

black cowboy hat and matching trench coat

My worries are becoming more palpable. However this guy also sounds awesome.

drinks arrived at the table by the form of a young boy

“by the form of” is overwrought. Sometimes something like “brought by” is less noticeable and makes the sentence flow better.

finished your goddamn ale

Nitpicking here, but if you’re going to use this kind of terminology, make sure you have the religions sorted out. It can lead to nightmares later on otherwise.

Horrorlands

This burns me right here in my big book of cliche land names. Black Guards you can get away with, but once you start saying Black Guards of the Horrolands....people start having problems.

the agility needed to dodge a misfired bolt

Ok, I know magical elements tend not to have the *exact* same characteristics as their normal versions, but dodging a bolt of lightning isn’t even a joke. These things move so freaking fast (*freaking* being as technical a term as this english major can think of), that it simply isnt possible; not even for Neo. On a side not I think the outfit's still cool, just dont use the ability to dodge lightning as a quality it offers.

Grinning, she pegged the nut at the orc's head. Kahlak'tisht's eyes grew wide with shock

It might be worth mentioning that the nut hits the orc, just for the sake of flow.

Grinning, he snatched a man from beside him, and held the wriggling sapien above his head with his two paws. No one quite sees what happens as the flailing man is knocked away and goes flying out of Kahlak'tisht's grasp.

You’ve shifted tenses.

Ridiculous Hat Man

It’s great that the orc refers to him as this, but have him do so in direct speech before it becomes stock and standard in the indirect speech. Thus it will be identified specifically with the orcs POV.

prove your mantle

It makes sense, but “testing your mettle” tends to be the standard phrase.

She jumped lithely up into the tree

Didn’t she just replicate, making her tired? Should she really be doing this and picking a fight?

The orc stamps his foot impatiently

Shift in tense again

As yet another side note, your characters are coming over as a bit omnicidal with a few dashes of batshit crazy. The infighting is good, but insults often serve as sufficient animosity, rather than out-and-out battle royales.

It's coming along brilliantly by the way, but the mode is definitely a difficult one to write in.

Good to see you around again and I hope to see more of your work,
Rubric

Hello again, sorry this took so long, small crisis!

Two days pass slowly as the festival continues, with minor inconveniences, such as people going missing, bodies turning up

You can get rid of the such as, it isn’t needed, and disrupts the flow.

A sadistic grin twisted the orc's lips,

I would say mouth, the muscles around the lips move too.

"I broke this table, why did it not remain broken!"

Question mark not exclamation mark.

he rent the mended table in two

Rendered.

and the orc couldn't help but reminded of the helmet that had done the same thing.
Be reminded.

The orc sneezed, "Excuse me." He said, wiping his nose dramatically, "I'm allergic to bullshit."

As much as this made me laugh, I don’t think that it’s really in keeping with the rest of the language, and writing style.

"I'm bloody done with your fighting.

I’m done with your bloody fighting, although, again I don’t think this really fits too well.

Kahlak'tisht ignored the imminent threat

This implies that there will definitely be a threat, not that the threat will be carried out. You can lose the imminent.

Appearing from apparently nowhere,

Commas before and after apparently. although this sentence doesn't flow particularly well.

Cracking an ever-so-sudden smile

Ever-so-sudden? I would just say sudden.

Also, I noticed that you changed tenses occasionally at the start.

We didn’t really learn anything in this chapter, it doesn’t really have a purpose. You may want to add some information about the characters. Although we did learn a little about the faeries. Well, this chapter was a good read anyways so thank you.

Things you should work on are the tone, it doesn’t seem to have much urgency. Also creating more of a background for these characters to work with would help. Finally, Axith and Robert seem a little flat, and we don’t really know anything about them.

The writing style in this chapter was good, apart from what has been specifically mentioned. Your story is a good idea, and I like how it is progressing so far. I really feel that this story will be absolutely brilliant, and as your writing will only improve I’m really looking forward to what you guys will create. So, overall, fantastic, well done and thank you for posting! It is a pleasure to read and review!

~ Roon

Rohan Haven't seen you on MSN much either. How's life been treating you? And yeah, it's a bit long, so there was no need to even read it

lol the dirty cloth in the dirty mug thing was actually inspired from another writer; David Eddings. As such, I should probably take it out.

The “looking for group” line is probably *from* that comic. I'll have to ask the person who writes Axith's point of view (also, we had out first DnD night a few days ago, so yeah, I'd imagine it's very Dnd-esque.)

Magic in this land can be manipulated and conjured in different ways. Axith uses mana, while Aiisha uses natural magic.

Robert *is* extremely overpowered. Just wait until he becomes immortal. Wait. Whoops. Plot point revealed.

Religions: Yeah. Once again I stole from David Eddings further in the story by saying, "Torak's Teeth!" Don't worry, religion will be sorted. It's also funny that the character that says "goddamn" is in fact an atheist in the story and in real life - yet again it was someone writing after and for someone else that twisted things here.

Actually, I had a problem with the Horrorlands too. But I'm hoping that Axith's writer purely meant that the Horrorlands were only accessible by portals - like the game Arkham Horror (which we've also been playing).

Lightning: Not my fault. But I liked the writer's idea, so I kept it and just expanded it and made it sound better. Would it work if it wasn't drawing lightning from the sky, but throwing it? Like the same dynamics as dodging a firebolt.

Tenses: Two of us write in past tense and the other two write in present. So sometimes I miss a few words to change. I'll try and correct these before posting again.

Aiisha: Not written by me This is so great, once I get everyone to read these comments, they'll probably pick up their game

Thanks for the critique, Rohan I'm always lurking around.

-------

Roon, you're crazy - you don't have to critique this as soon as you can! Take a break

"I broke this table, why did it not remain broken!"
Question mark not exclamation mark.
I didn't intend it as a question

The orc sneezed, "Excuse me." He said, wiping his nose dramatically, "I'm allergic to bullshit."
As much as this made me laugh, I don’t think that it’s really in keeping with the rest of the language, and writing style.
Unfortunately you're right. I'll have to alter it slightly to, "Pardon," he said, wiping his nose dramatically, "I'm allergic to horse dung." Or something of the like.

Ever-so-sudden: One of the other writers trying to be cute

It really isn't a chapter, but it's nessassary. They can't just start the adventure without meeting and discussing it first. We also witness Aiisha's other attack.

Axith is a mystery even to his writer, I assume. Robert. . . Robert dominates the next few parts, so you find out plenty about him later.

Thanks Roon, again for your lovely review - and this time round, most of the mistakes were actually my fault

Now I'm off to make all those changes that you guys have suggested from the beginning It's the least I could do

*salutes*

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Next Installment

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The group set off at that point and didn't stop walking until the sun was far down. The day had been painful, for Axith at least. The personalities clashed and the group stayed mostly in silence or on the edge of fighting. The day had went more painfully for Aiisha who had fallen into the river as they crossed it with a little help from Kahlak'tisht. She had come up spluttering, and had remained silent for at least two hours as she dried.

At their camp spot, Axith started the fire and left the prepacked meat to slowly cook in a large dented metal pot. Aiisha took a sniff of the meat in the pot, gagged, and quickly rummaged through her pack. The group watched as she threw in a few small unidentified leaves and handfuls of powders. A tantalizing smell started to drift from the pot, and the orc's mouth watered.

"I'll take first watch." Axith said, slightly annoyed at how Aiisha took over his cooking, "Whose taking second? We can't take any chances. There are bandits around."

Before the puny female could volunteer, Kahlak'tisht grunted, "I'll take second shift."

"Sigh," Aiisha sighed. "Well, I guess I'll take third."

Kahlak'tisht snarls, "I vote we go hunt down some more meat. I could end up with a fantastic scalp, and the brains of a boar would feed many cubs." The orc thumped his chest with two fists.

"Going after some game this late at night would be pointless." Aiisha said defiantly.

"Unfortunately, she's right. My shift for watch starts now. You can sleep when you like," said Axith before turning to stare into the darkness.

Aiisha sneered at the orc and wandered into the forest. After a few minutes she returned with an armful of tubers, leafy plants and stalks. She meticulously diced and cut the vegetables into the pot, humming. Axith's original meal of boiled meat turned into a deliciously aromatic stew.

By the time the stew had finished, night had settled upon the land, and the group ate in appreciative silence. After the meal, Aiisha jumped into the nearest tree, climbing from branch to branch until she was nestled safely within it. She curled up, and started nibbling on a sugared kumquat.

---

An owl's hoot and a noise in the bushes is the only warning the group has before the bandits attack. Arrows fly from the darkness and the group is forced to find cover. Axith summons mana to throw a fireball but an arrow grazes his face and interrupts him.

"How many of them are there?" Aiisha cried.

She jumped down from the tree, loading her bow as she landed crouched on the ground. She managed to shoot two bandits, one in the soft spot of his armpit, and the other straight through the throat, the arrow coming out of the other side only slightly bloody.

It was lucky that the fireball that Axith tried to send towards the bandits failed, as it landed on a nearby patch of grass, illuminating the dark shapes before them.

Appreciating the light, Robert muttered, "Good. . ." and got to work.

Robert channeled a lightning bolt at one of the visible bandits, electrifying the man, causing him to froth at the mouth and shake with violent tremors. An arrow from another bandit flew toward Aiisha, but Robert stepped in the way of it and blocked it with a wide sweep of his sword. The arrow fell to the forest floor, utterly harmless. He turned back briefly to wink at Aiisha.

"First one is free."

Aiisha blinked. "Thanks," she said quietly to Robert.

Aiisha loaded her bow again, and sent two arrows simultaneously into the heart of another bandit, taking the bandit count down to two - alive.

"How can that goddamn Orc be sleeping at a time like this?!" she screamed angrily, noticing his lump on the forest floor near the fire. She squatted, retrieved a pepple and threw a rock at the orc's head.

"Right. That's three down from me," she said. Noticing Robert and Axith's faces, impressed and annoyed respectively, she added, "Oh yeah. We're counting."

Axith ignored the woman and kicked a bandit away with his foot, shattering the man's ribs and piercing his heart and lungs with the bone shards. The man fell into the small fire the mage had accidentally created. The remainder of the bandits ran from the fight.

"Bloody brigands," he muttered, "Well, at least you know why we have night watch. Too bad the watcher was only watching the inside of his eyeballs."

Awakened from his peaceful slumber by a curious burning smell, and a dull ache throbbing at his temple, the orc yawned and looked around. His three companions stood disheveled and sweaty before him, looking on at him in disbelief. Kahlak'tisht noticed several bodies, unmoving, upon the forest floor; one was burning in a random patch of fire far from the camp fire.

He grinned, "Had a party, did we?"

Axith let out a brief laugh, "Next time we'll invite you."

Robert sheathed his sword and re-adjusted his hat, which had fallen comically half way down his face, "We had it under control. I'm going back to sleep, wake me up when it's my shift."

"Well," Grumbled the orc, "If it's not my shift, I'm going back to sleep."

He rolled over, his back to the camp fire, "And the next time you have a party without me, keep it down."