a prologue of my first story

prologue



The program was meant to make our soldiers better,stronger,smarter,and even more deadly. But like everything else some stuff was meant to fail. The program was created by our governments top scientists. But the government didn't want word to fall out that this program did exist. The reason behind this was that our nations enemies weren't supposed to find out. Every scientist was assigned a part of the program once that task was finished the government terminated the person. But then it happened One enemy spy had infiltrated the program and discovered what was happening and let the nation know. But he wanted revenge and destroyed the program and kept some of it for him self. Then the government thought that the program was done and kept it for later use. But the spy had left and started to tell people. The nation was divided into two sides. One side was under the command of the spy who had told people about the program, and the other side was under the command of the original nation and thought that the other side were liers and bad people. And that is how the war started.

Welcome to YWS. Here's your first review.

The program was meant to make our soldiers better,stronger,smarter,and even more deadly.

The concept of this first sentence is good because it raises the question, "What is the program? What does it involve?"
You've got some punctiation errors though - to be precise, commas need spaces after them. Also, with short lists, 3 tends to be the magic number. I'd scrap "better" because it's general and the other three things cover it anyway.

But like everything else some stuff was meant to fail.

1. Sentences can't start with "but" or "and"
2. I'd put this on its own line because it sounds quite important

government's

But the government didn't want word to fall out that this program did exist. The reason behind this was that our nations enemies weren't supposed to find out.

1. The "but" thing again.
2. I'd scrap the whole "the reason behind this was that" part. It's implied, and shorter sentences have more impact than long rambling ones.

Every scientist was assigned a part of the program. Once that task was finished, the government terminated the person.

Corrections in bold

[s]But[/s] Then it happened. One enemy spy [s]had[/s] infiltrated the program and discovered what was happening and let the nation know.

1. You know what
2. This would be a good place to start a new paragraph.

But he wanted revenge and destroyed the program and kept some of it for him self. [s]Then[/s] The government thought that the program was done and kept it for later use.

1. I guess "but" sounds okay here. It isn't technically correct, but it's okay to bend the rules sometimes if it sounds allright.
2. Himself is one word

But the spy had left and started to tell people.

1. Note that you can change the previous full stop with a comma to make the "but" correct. Don't make a habbit of it though, because two short sentences are generally more effective than one long one.

One side was under the command of the spy. [s]who had told people about the program, and[/s] The other side was under the command of the original nation and thought that the other side were liers and bad people.

1. "bad" is quite nonspecific. In what way did they think they were bad.
2. Liars, not Liers

[s]And [/s]That is how the war started.

This would be better on its own line.

Hope that was a satisfactory first review.

Jeff

sdogg117 wrote:But like everything else some stuff was meant to fail.

I would change "stuff was" to "things were", it would sound more dramatic.

sdogg117 wrote:Every scientist was assigned a part of the program once that task was finished the government terminated the person.

I would divide this sentence into two, putting a punctuation after "program".

sdogg117 wrote:And that is how the war started.

This is an excellent end to a brilliant prologue, and throws us into the story right away. The prologue is interesting, and isn't too long to discourage us from reading it. It gives us the information we need as a background for the story, and got me curious to what this program might be. I would love to read more. Let me know when you post the first chapter. (If you are going to post it)

Okay so your third review. I thought it was alright it was a bit too short and rushed to get a feel for the story. With that kind of history I think it would go better if you included it in the story. Not all together either, so that it keeps the
reader guessing and wondering. At the beginning of the prologue it seems a bit cliched, super soldier, have to keep it secret. The idea of a spy finiding it out and dividing the nation into civil war is much more original and intreasting and saves the idea. This idea is good and it would be intreasting to see how it turns out. Are you going to post any of the chapters for it? PM me if you do I kinda want to read them.

To be honest, I didnt really understand most of what you were talking about. Its very confusing when it probably doesent need to be.

Why not say something like:

"One man infiltrated an enemy government to recover a secret programme.
A programme that could make soldiers faster, stronger, smarter and even deadlier than before.
But upon discovery that the programme didn't even exist, one man revealed the secret and divided a nation.
That is how the war started."

Its a lot simpler, and a lot easier to follow. I think you'll find that you can get your point across more with fewer, shorter scentences that are well structured. You dont need to make it so complicated.

Good Luck - keep writing.