Black and White (prologue) {slightly revised}

Just a forenote, the title or the story isn't meant to be racial!!! It was just pointed out to me that it could be taken the wrong way so please try not to think of it that way!

Also, you'll hear me talk about the "Tormentors". I don't particularly like that name, so if you have any suggestions PLEASE SHARE THEM!!! Thank you.


[u]Prologue[/u]


The adviser scurried down the silver hallway of the palace, his feet soundless on the rich, red carpet. His thin, pale face had beads of sweat glistening on it and his watery gray eyes looked crazed with fear. He burst through the grand black doorway, ten times as large as he was, and scuttled to the middle of the throne room, his cloak billowing behind him. The throne room was entirely black and red, the walls and ceiling made of smooth black stone and the pillars encrusted in ruby spirals. A long red rug paved the way from the door to the throne, where one chair stood on a raised platform that went back to a door and a window. The throne was carved with intricate designs depicting a solar eclipse. The king stood to the right of the royal chair.

“What is it now?” the king demanded, his back towards the adviser as he gazed out of the red tinted window.

The nervous man fell to his knees on the rug, his bony hands shaking.

“It’s one of your laws sir,” he said. “I’ve just been informed that the Vira elf you seek has been found in Libris…” he trailed off.

“But?” the king asked, his voice rising.

The adviser winced. “But she is… older than… expected. About 15 years old your Highness,”

“What!” The king roared, his back suddenly erect. “How can she have gone so long without being noticed?”

The adviser shrank into his robes as if being smaller could save him from the king’s wrath.

The king began pacing back and forth across the platform, his black and scarlet cloak swirling around him. “Send out our finest troops… No.” He stopped pacing and looked out the window again, a grim laugh in his voice. “Send out the Tormentors.”

Fear sliced through the adviser.

“Yes your majesty!” he squeaked.

“Tell them to bring me the girl alive but dispose of anyone in their way,” the king ordered.

“Yes your majesty!” he stood, bowed, and ran from the black room and its occupant.

He rushed down the hall again, then into the stairwell and down the spiral staircase. Farther and farther he stumbled, past more levels than he could count, deeper into the earth… into the darkness below the castle. The Adviser's hands were trembling with fear as he wondered what kind of creature these Tormentors would be, as they were said to be made of shadow itself. This was his first time summoning them, because the king didn't use them often since his own staff ended up dead on their missions. The adviser's whole body froze up for a moment, but he forced himself to keep moving down the stairs. He shuddered as he scurried down the steps. The worst part about these Tormentor's is that they never fail.

Finally the adviser reached the bottom where he saw a single short hallway and one solitary door at the end of it. A tiny candle on the wall provided the only light, and it cast eerie shadows on the floor.
His heart pounded, his mind told him to turn around and run, but he knew what happened to those who didn’t obey the king. He reached out with a trembling hand but before he could knock, the door opened.

The Tormentor wore a black breastplate over a black, chain mail tunic and ebony metal pants, topped with a thick, black cloak. His gauntlets matched his spiky, midnight metal boots that covered his feet and the metal belt that hung around his waist. An assortment of weapons dotted the belt, including cruel looking devices that the adviser had never seen before. A black metal helmet covered his head. The adviser recoiled; the helmet had no holes in it for a face.

“Y-you have a-a mission,” the adviser choked out, his breath cut short by fear.

The Tormentor drew a wicked looking sword, serrated with six lethal points that gleamed in the pale candlelight. His voice sounded unreal, as if the wind was speaking for him.

“We are ready.”

I just want to let you know, feel free to critique your heart out on this story. Seriously, rip it to shreds if you want, chew it up and spit it back out as a little blob of mush! I'm giving you permission to be mean and tell me every tiny little detail that you don't like. I want to hear absolutely everything wrong with it since it's gotta be close to perfect if I want to get it published... and if I want people to actually want to buy it. Thanks!

Hiya, Miniauthor! Welcome to YWS!

First, I must start off by saying that I really enjoyed this piece of writing. It was very well written, it kept me interested, and I found absolutely no grammar mistakes. Nicely done.

I'm going to be a bit more nit-picky than usual, since I found very little that I don't like about this piece.

As I was reading your story, something was catching me about the wording of some of your descriptions, but I could not for the life of me figure out what it was. Then, finally, (my 9th grade English teacher would be so proud) it hit me. When you're describing, you use quite a few 'be' verbs (am, is, are, were, was, be, being, been), otherwise known as the passive tense. A lot of times, rewording some of these can make your writing much more elegant and easier to read. One exercise that my 9th grade English teacher made us do on every single paper that we wrote in her class was to go through our rough drafts, circle all of the 'be' verbs, count them up, and eliminate half of them. You might try it. These changes can be as easy as changing:
The king was standing to the right of the royal chair.
to
The king stood to the right of the royal chair

Or they could possibly involve rearranging your entire sentence. You'll find that a few of your sentences improve drastically with the change, and a few more sound slightly more eloquent. You may also find that, when you're down to about 3 or 4 left to change, you can't find any that would sound better differently. That's fine! Stop there. You found the ones that could be improved upon; that's all that matters. Don't push it too far and make your work sound worse by trying to correct it.

The only other thing had to do with this paragraph:

The Six Tormentors were the king’s top assassins, who were said to be made of shadow itself. They enjoyed pain so much that the king didn’t use them often since his own staff ended up dead on their missions. But the worst part is that they never fail.

This sounded like a bit of an infodump. I recognize that all of this information is necessary, but try revealing it in a slightly different way. For example, one of my ideas was to have the adviser thinking on all of this as he's walking to go get them. Show us this through his thoughts. Maybe have him remember some experiences where the king's staff did end up dead. It would kind of ease us into the information a little bit easier. There are a lot of possibilities.

Now a few specifics on the good side:

When so many things in your story are the same color, it's often hard to describe them without repeating yourself. You succeeded marvelously. I really enjoyed your coming up with synonyms for black, such as midnight and ebony. Without them, it would've been far too repetitive.

Also, I liked the description of the Tormentors as shadows, especially this sentence:

His voice sounded unreal, as if the wind was speaking for him.

So, all in all, very nicely done. I like your writing style, and your plot kept me in suspense. I'd really like to see more of your work. PM me if/when you decide to put some more of this up, and I'll be more than glad to review it for you.

~Ima

Hi Miniauthor, and welcome!

I appreciate the detailed descriptions in this piece, although I agree with the post above me. The passive tense does get on my nerves a little, but, other than that, this is very interesting.

Some suggestions, though, that I have for you:

Miniauthor wrote:“WHAT!” The king roared, his back suddenly erect. “How can she have gone so long without being noticed!?”

The use of an exclamation point is unneeded in the second statement of the king, because you already used it once. Also, I think that using the exclamation point in the first sentence here can spare you the capitalization of "what."

Miniauthor wrote:The adviser shrank into his robes as if being smaller could save him from the king’s wrath. As if.

I think that the use of the phrase "as if" is a bit unnecessary. This is not an opinion story that you are writing; it is a narrative. The idea that being smaller can't change the adviser from the king's wrath is already made clear to the reader with the first "as if."

Miniauthor wrote:Send out our finest troops… No.” he stopped pacing and looked out the window again, a grim laugh in his voice. “Send out the Tormentors.”

Should there be a comma after "No"? I'm not absolutely sure.

Miniauthor wrote:“Yes your majesty!” he squeaked.

I believe there should be a comma after "yes."

Miniauthor wrote:The Adviser's hands were trembling with fear as he wondered what kind of being these Tormentors would, as they were said to be made of shadow itself.

I might just be dumb, but I don't altogether understand this sentence.

Please remember that you reserve the right to completely disregard everything that I say . . . and keep in mind that although I'm being nit-picky, I really like your work!

Hi You critiqued my work, so here I am returning the favour.

I tend to critique while reading, so I don't forget anything and tell you my on going thoughts.

---

Prologue

The adviser scurried down the silver hallway of the palace, his feet soundless on the rich, red carpet. His thin, pale face had beads of sweat glistening on it **(Excellent first sentence, but the second can be reworded as "on it" is unnecessary, "Beads of sweat glistened on his thin, pale face")** and his watery gray eyes looked crazed with fear. He burst through the grand black doorway, ten times as large as he was **(Wow, that's some large door. Considering that three times as tall as a normal person is a really high ceiling, as most ceilings are around 2.5m high)**, and scuttled to the middle of the throne room, his cloak billowing behind him. The throne room was entirely black and red, the walls and ceiling made of smooth black **(third time using the word "black")** stone and the pillars encrusted in ruby spirals. A long red rug paved the way from the door to the throne, where one chair stood on a raised platform that went back to a door and a window **(this sentence is hard to picture/doesn't make sense. Are you trying to say there is a window beside the door?)**. The throne was carved with intricate designs depicting a solar eclipse. The king stood to the right of the royal chair.

“What is it now?” the king demanded, his back towards the adviser **(if the King has his back turned, how does he know that the adviser is there? How does he know it's the adviser)** as he gazed out of the red tinted window.

The nervous man fell to his knees on the rug, his bony hands shaking.

“It’s one of your laws sir,” he said. “I’ve just been informed that the Vira elf you seek has been found in Libris…” he trailed off.

“But?” the king asked, his voice rising.

The adviser winced. “But she is… older than… expected. About 15 years old your Highness,” **(period here, not full stop, also, numbers below 100 should be typed out, fifteen)**

“What!” The king roared, his back suddenly erect. “How can she have gone so long without being noticed?” **(I'm confused. If the King was looking for someone, wouldn't he know the age of said person? How can he send out a description of someone he wanted if he didn't know what the person looked like?)**

The adviser shrank into his robes as if being smaller could save him from the king’s wrath.

The king began pacing back and forth across the platform, his black and scarlet cloak swirling around him. “Send out our finest troops… No.” He stopped pacing and looked out the window again, a grim laugh in his voice. **(A grim laugh in his voice? How can you have a grim laugh in your voice? Perhaps you mean, "He looked out the window again, and said with grim amusement")** “Send out the Tormentors.”

Fear sliced through the adviser.

“Yes your majesty!” he squeaked. **(Squeaking seems a bit overdone. We already know that he is scared. Using the word "squeaked" makes this little bit comical, and I don't think that's the emotion you were aiming for.)**

“Tell them to bring me the girl alive but dispose of anyone in their way,” the king ordered.

“Yes your majesty!” he stood, bowed, and ran from the black room and its occupant.

He rushed down the hall again, then into the stairwell and down the spiral staircase. Farther and farther he stumbled, past more levels than he could count, deeper into the earth… into the darkness below the castle. The Adviser's hands were trembling with fear **(You've already used this description earlier)** as he wondered what kind of creature these Tormentors would be, as they were said to be made of shadow itself **(Um. Why would he not know what a Tormentor would be like? If he was an Adviser to the King, he should know everything the King knows. He's an adviser. If anything, someone who knows how to deal with a Tormentor should be negotiating with them. Not someone who has no idea about them)**. This was his first time summoning them, because the king didn't use them often since his own staff ended up dead on their missions **(Hmm. You've explained it a little bit, but he would still know what a Tormentor was. Book keeping etc would have mentioned them. And you've used "because" and "since" in the same sentence. Such a conjunction means that the sentence will most likely sound desperate to explain something. Which it does. Somehow revise)** The adviser's whole body froze up for a moment, but he forced himself to keep moving down the stairs. He shuddered as he scurried **(He does a lot of scurrying, doesn't he?)** down **(4th use of the word "down" in this paragraph)** the steps. The worst part about these Tormentor's is **(is or was?)** that they never fail.

Finally the adviser reached the bottom **(bottom of where?)** where he saw a single short hallway and one solitary door at the end of it. A tiny candle on the wall provided the only light, and it cast eerie shadows on the floor.

His heart pounded, his mind told him to turn around and run, but he knew what happened to those who didn’t obey the king. He reached out with a trembling hand but before he could knock, the door opened.

The Tormentor wore a black breastplate over a black, chain mail tunic and ebony metal pants, topped with a thick, black cloak. His gauntlets matched his spiky, midnight metal boots that covered his feet and the metal belt that hung around his waist. An assortment of weapons dotted the belt, including cruel looking devices that the adviser had never seen before. A black metal helmet covered his head. The adviser recoiled; the helmet had no holes in it for a face. **(Nice description. Just a few problems. Black = 4. Metal = 4. Belt = 2. Could be rearranged to: The Tormentor's attire was completely black. It wore a breastplate over a chain mail tunic and ebony metal pants, topped with a thick cloak. His gauntlets matched his spiky, midnight metal boots that covered his feet and dotting the steel belt that hung around his waist were an assortment of weapons hung, including cruel looking devices that the adviser had never seen before. Even the metal helmet covering his head was pure black."**

“Y-you have a-a mission,” the adviser choked out, his breath cut short by fear **(perhaps you should use a new word. "Terror" maybe)**.

The Tormentor drew a wicked looking sword, serrated with six lethal points that gleamed in the pale candlelight. His voice sounded unreal **(unreal sounds like teenage slang "Aw man, that's unreal!". Perhaps "insubstantial" is the word you're looking for)**, as if the wind was speaking for him.

“We are ready.”

----------

Over all, I like what you could do with this beginning. As stated above, the problems I have with the story: how could the king not know the age of someone he was specifically looking for, why someone who had never talked to a Tormentor before talk to them, why would the king send these Tormentors and not normal people, and the reusing of the same word.

As I foresee it, this elf is going to be on the run from the Tormentors (which sound like Dementors, by the way), gathering allies along the way. And then eventually overthrow the King and his Tormentors.

Elven children are really rare, so make sure you write the elf part correctly - many people would be protecting her etc.

PM me with the next bit, I would like to read on

- Jai

Hey!
I love your story so far I very much want to continue reason to see what happens next!!!
As I was reading I noticed that your sentences seemed alittle long, maybe run-ons. Because the longer the sentence is the more you lose track of what it is saying...I have the same problem sometimes because I love discribing things or places and I lose track of how long my sentences are.
Well that's just me I don't know about anyone else.
Other than that minor detail I thought that your story was great, I loved the concept of the whole story.
PM me if you post out anymore because I love to find out what happens next

~Panther

Thanks for the comments, I'll try to revise it as soon as I had time. Just so you know, I realize that the big block of description that had the most critiques in it is horrible. I was trying to lightly revise an info dump from earlier and I haven't had time to work out the kinks in it yet.

~Miniauthor~