Harrowed Homes II

Mind you, the alliteration in the topic description was completely unintended.

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Workers sigh upon the bills and rub their eyes in anguish

Clorox-scented housewives work to toil over dishes

People live the days of life and go upon their chores

Children do their homework in a million homes or more



Perpetually glowing windows housing haggard, drunken men

Women dance in corridors and children jump on beds

People live the days of life, leisure worth their best

All of which is happening in a million homes, no less



All the houses on the street are lined with endless deeds

Movements, thoughts, and actions growing upon need

People live the days of life, infinite in their woes

Sorrow thrives a million times; the wisest man yet knows

Hello, Abby! I'm June, welcome to YWS!

Definitely a nice improvement from your previous, though you still have room to improve.

Rhyme is your crutch here; it's restricting you, and you should be restricting it. Rhyme is cool, but not all the time. I think that if you drop it here and let your ideas run, you'll have a much better poem, not to say that this is bad.

You're also saying a lot without giving us much. For instance, see here:

People live the days of life and go upon their chores



Children do their homework in a million homes or more

These two lines-- especially the first one here, are pretty unnecessary. This is understood by the previous lines, dear, and the last one seems out of place.

I feel like you're trying to give us the whole idea of a lifestyle [perhaps in a certain place]. I think it would be better for you to explore one part of this. These bleach scented wives, what else do they do?



Another thing I want to point out is your voice here. It's tell-y, or as some would say, it's preachy. You're telling us all of this, and in poetry, it's nicer to have these sort of things described in such a way where we can visualize these pictures.


You have a good start here, Abby. I'd like to see you build on this, because you're headed in a good direction. You could definitely make this a masterpiece.


June

Any questions, comments, or if I was too harsh on you, PM me, please.