Meggido Part 3

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Chapter 2

Aisha stared in amazement at Jasmine’s blue, satin silk dress.
“Jasmine!” At first Aisha was lost for words but she continued, “You can’t come out like this!” Aisha had not phrased her feelings properly, as she was about to discover. Jasmine looked hurt.

“You don’t like it?” She said.
“No! It’s beautiful!” Aisha quickly responded, “But the areas we live in are very different to yours. You’ll be attracting a lot of unwanted attention!”
Jasmine immediately understood.
“I understand. Next time I’ll wear something else.” She replied.
“Good. Now, I’d like to introduce you to my two friends.” Aisha turned to Kira and Soto, “This is Kira and this is Soto.”

Jasmine turned to both of them and smiled. Her smile seemed to melt away the initial nervous feelings stemming from unfamiliarity.
“Nice to meet you Kira and Soto,” Jasmine said.

“Any friend of Aisha is a friend of mine.” Soto got up and stretched his arm to shake Jasmine’s hand. At first Jasmine seemed confused at Soto’s gesture. Aisha leaned over and whispered into her ear, after which Jasmine felt embarrassed. She promptly shook Soto’s hand and made a mental note of what to do if ever confronted with a similar gesture in future.
“So what do you want to do?” Jasmine asked.
“Well I asked you to meet us in Tai Pei square because it’s a special occasion…” Aisha answered.
“What’s the occasion?”
“It’s Tai Pei’s birthday.”
Jasmine took a while to comment – Soto and Kira eagerly awaited her response.
“So… what does that have to do with us?”
“That’s what I said!” Kira interrupted. Kira, Soto and Jasmine giggled while Aisha seemed slightly irritated.

“Well it’s his birthday so there’s bound to be a lot of fun celebrations! It only happens once a year and last year there were lots of dances!”
“Oh, okay.” Jasmine commented.

However, any further possible discussion was halted as a loud drumbeat began to pound through the air. Tai Pei square fell silent and people made way for the procession which followed. Tai Pei, a lavishly robed fat man, rode a horse through the cheering crowds whilst proudly waving a gilded broadsword in the air. Soldiers who wore thick, red armour paraded around him with tall spears. A group of well-built servants carried a wooden platform which Tai Pei would stand on to be elevated amidst the crowd whilst he delivered his speech.

Tai Pei dismounted the horse and cheers erupted across the square. He climbed onto the wooden platform. Two bodyguards with large shields stood on either side of him as he delivered his speech.

“People of Tai Pei square!” He began. The crowd was a mix of Easterners, Southerners and Westerners. Cheering erupted as soon as Tai Pei made his address. Though his policies were not favourable for all of the Chinese, they still felt it was their duty to show pride in their leadership.
“I thank you all for gathering on this glorious day. I have been speaking to the King recently and he has told me personally that the Chinese community is vital to the prosperity of Meggido.” The people began clapping. Kira, Soto, Aisha and Jasmine felt somewhat out of place amidst the community spirit.

“We have progressed so much in these past few years and almost nothing can halt our rapid development now.” He was interrupted again by more clapping. “However, there are many things we can do to further hasten our development.” Now, the crowd fell silent and were chattering amongst themselves. Tai Pei had initiated various social and economic reforms for the Chinese people in the past and they listened intently to his new proposals.

However, no-one in the general Chinese community would have expected what Tai Pei was about to announce.

“The King of Meggido has arranged for the Westerners in our community to be given shelter and food in exchange for free labour.” At first, there was a silence – then, uproar erupted from the dormant crowd.

“You want us to be slaves!” One of them shouted. Then, a conflict emerged in the crowd.
“Glory is to Tai Pei! Put the Westerners in their place!” Another member shouted. A scatter of supporters and protestors emerged throughout the crowd.
Amidst the chaos Tai Pei held up a scroll with the royal seal stamped on it.

“The King of Meggido has decreed it!” Tai Pei’s facial expression changed to that of expression, he began barking at every Westerner in the crowd – “Inferior dogs such as you do not deserve to share the fruits of the hardworking Chinese community. You brainless curs will serve us until your dying days!” Chaos and fury gripped the crowd. Tai Pei had shown his true colours.

Many of the Easterners began to beat the Westerners. Most of the Southerners attempted to run away whilst the Westerners vehemently attempted attacks on Tai Pei and began retaliation against the Easterners.

All the while, the three children from Ninos de Dios and the child from Al-Baraka stood shocked and perplexed at how the square had transformed.

Soldiers began to repel the Westerners with their spears as Tai Pei began to be escorted out of the square.

“We have to run!” Soto finally shouted.
The group disintegrated and scattered into the crowd. Aisha, Soto and Kira began running through the brawling crowd, dodging through fights and jumping over bodies. Then Aisha stopped Kira and Soto.
“Jasmine!” Aisha seemed totally different to Kira and Soto now – they had never seen her so scared. “We have to help Jasmine!”
“Have you lost your mind?!” Soto exclaimed. Aisha shoved Soto out of the way and begged Kira with tears in her eyes.

“Please Kira, go back for Jasmine!” She cried. For a moment, everything seemed to stop as Aisha and Kira gazed into each other’s eyes. The brawling crowd seemed to freeze as their souls spoke through their eyes. Kira understood Aisha’s fear.
“Aisha, run back with Soto. I’ll look after Jasmine.” At these words, Aisha flung her arms around Kira in a tight embrace. She began crying into Kira’s shoulders.
“Please… please, come back safely.” Her tears streamed onto Kira’s neck.


The chaos of the square intensified, as Soto observed this he immediately tore Aisha away from Kira.
“Good luck Kira,” He too stared deep into Kira’s eyes before being spirited away by his newfound energy. Both Soto and Aisha disappeared into the crowd.

Kira began to charge fiercely in his effort to run back to the shop where they had once stood. The mass of brawling humans did not show any signs of decreasing in intensity. Finally, he reached the shop. Jasmine was nowhere to be found.

The boy’s heart was beating violently and his legs were trembling. He wanted to fall to his knees and call for his mother. He knew it would do him no good but he wanted to do it anyway. I’m going to die, he thought. The crowd seemed to suffocate the boy. The men who fought amongst themselves took no notice of the vulnerable boy who was close to buckling under pressure. Even the air seemed to thicken and his nostrils struggled to cope with the new atmosphere.

Kira considered giving up and running back to Ninos de Dios. He turned around and noticed the crowd he would have to pass through had considerably thickened. Kira quickly scanned the area around him. The quick scan had sufficed. Jasmine’s blue dress would have caught anyone’s eye.

He darted through people’s legs to reach the blue dress. Jasmine lay on the floor with her hands over her head; she assumed she would be trampled.
“Jasmine!” Kira called. She looked up. Kira thought of how different the circumstances had been when Aisha had called her name earlier in the day.

“Hold my hand! We have to get out of here!”
Jasmine obliged. As soon as she did she was spirited through the crowd as Kira shoved and sprinted through the brawling masses. Escape seemed possible. Escape seemed probable.

“Tai Pei is leaving the square! Chase after him! Kill him!” A Westerner shouted. Many others echoed his cries and began following his instruction. In turn, the Easterners began chasing the Westerners.

Kira and Jasmine found themselves in the midst of a stampede. The crowd did not care what was in their path. Kira’s heart nearly exploded within his body. Jasmine clutched Kira tightly.
“I’m scared…” She whimpered. Kira was too.

They braced themselves for the stampede embraced each other in terror. Kira and Jasmine – they were united in the fear of being trampled to death. There was no escaping now.




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oooh nice! i like where this is going. just know that you have someone waiting to read the next part!

I just wanted to clear a few things up. Because Jasmine is rich... i assume she is Eastern? while the the other three are westerners? sorry i get forgetful if i don't keep reading continuously. Which is why i usually finish a book within a day or two just so i don't forget much.
Any man can handle adversity, to test a man's character give him power - Abraham Lincoln

To be the greatest is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark. - ?




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Hi
This was good, but I did find some things that need to be changed.

made a mental note of what to do if ever confronted with a similar gesture in future.


You're missing a 'the' before 'future'.

Well I asked you to meet us


Comma after 'Well'

However, any further possible discussion was halted


This sentence doesn't flow smoothly, I would suggest taking out 'possible'.

A group of well-built servants carried a wooden platform which Tai Pei would stand on to be elevated amidst the crowd whilst he delivered his speech.

Tai Pei dismounted the horse and cheers erupted across the square. He climbed onto the wooden platform. Two bodyguards with large shields stood on either side of him as he delivered his speech.


Here you use 'he delivered his speech' twice close together which makes it repetitive. Change one of the endings to something else.

Now, the crowd fell silent and were chattering amongst themselves.


I would change this sentence to; 'With this announcement the crowd fell silent and began chattering among themselves.'
Just my opinion, though.


then, uproar erupted from the dormant crowd.

“You want us to be slaves!” One of them shouted. Then, a conflict emerged in the crowd.


You start with 'then' twice close together. Again, it's repetitive and I would change one. Personally, I wouldn't even start a sentence with 'then' in the first place. It doesn't run along very smoothly. But, it's up to you.

Tai Pei’s facial expression changed to that of expression


Again, it's repetitive to use the same word close together. Also this part doesn't make any sense. His expression changes to expression?

Kira began to charge fiercely in his effort to run back to the shop where they had once stood.


Using 'once' makes it sound like it was a long time ago that they were there. I would change it to; 'run back t the shop where they had stood moments before.'


They braced themselves for the stampede embraced each other in terror.


This should be changed to; for the stampede, embracing each other in terror.'

Overall I liked it, but I think you need to work on character depth. I felt nothing for your characters in their trouble. Also you need a bit more description.
Keep working on it!

Feel free to PM me with any questions:)

~Tayla
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
~Albert Einstein

I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
~Anonymous

I am the author of my life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen and I can't erase my mistakes. . .
~Anonymous




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To Kaiden:

Jasmine's ethnicity hasn't actually been identified yet but by her name one might suggest that she could either be from the middle-east or the Indian subcontinent.

As for the other three, none of them are actually Chinese. Aisha originally wanted to look at the celebrations because she enjoyed the dances they displayed last year and thought it would be fun if Kira, Soto and Jasmine joined her this time. The last chapter detailed some background information on each of the characters. Soto and Aisha and are Egyptian and Arabian respectively. Kira is Japanese and to be honest - I've yet to decide on Jasmine's ethnicity.

I can see why it is easy for you to forget their backgrounds seeing as I'm posting it in installments...

Cheers for reading it though and I hope you enjoy the next chapter :).

To Tayla:


Sorry - there are so many glaring mistakes, I'm glad that you pointed them out :O. I copied and pasted it directly from Word and a couple of the errors you've pointed out are missing words which would have allowed it to make sense in the original word document. Nonetheless, the remaining errors have been corrected in the main manuscript file on my computer.

Thanks for pointing out the errors because it must have made it quite difficult to read...

As for your comment on character development - do you think that Chapter One and the Prologue was insufficient in capturing part of their personalities?




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Haha yeah ok so if Soto, Kira, and Aisha are all poor, what category do they fit in? like sure they might be of different ethnicities but maybe to others they are considered to be in this group. You know what I mean?
Any man can handle adversity, to test a man's character give him power - Abraham Lincoln

To be the greatest is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark. - ?




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I guess they would all be considered as Ninos de Dios slum dwellers. It's bascially meant to be a massive slum with a hell of a lot of different ethnic communities. And yeah Kira would be considered part of the Japanese Imperialist community, Soto would be part of the Egyptian community, and Aisha part of the Arabian community.

But as part of a wider group they would just be considered the slum dwellers of Ninos de Dios....

Does that answer your question? :S




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yeah that makes sense. at first i thought they'd be part of the Western group or something.

thanks for clearing that up!
Any man can handle adversity, to test a man's character give him power - Abraham Lincoln

To be the greatest is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark. - ?



Quotegenworthy is a adjective which should be used on YWS way more.
— NovemberCrow