19 bodies and a bag of oranges

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An impatient fly tapped against the glass of the door and the old fan spun, struggling against the heat, like a swimmer against a current. I sat behind the counter of the family minute market waiting for closing time and watching a cortege of ants traffic across the counter and into a candyjar where a few pieces of licorice lay like red soldiers left wounded on some foreign battlefield. Boy oh boy, was I pissed. Momma out shopping with Bo and Dad playing cards down at Jim's while I was stuck in that godforsaken market as the heat settled in like a squatter and the stench of heated, spoiling food giving me a headache that was pushing terrifically at my eyes. I was missing a date with Missy Turner, for God's sake! Very same Missy Turner who'd shown every guy in town a real good time and I'm seventeen and boy oh boy, it's high time someone gave me a good time cause I don't wanna die a virgin now that they're talking about a draft to go into Hanoi up on Capitol Hill.
The radio was going. It drawled and fuzzed, growing cultures of static like mold on a peach.
Dimpled sunlight mulled through the store and I spun around in the swivel chair behind the counter and played with the cash register. There were racks of bubblegum and cigarettes and cases of fruit – apples mushy as bad romances and oranges with sad, wrinkled faces that stared outside and contemplated the sunset – and I tried my luck at the old, venerated pinball machine we have in the corner which slumped and gaped and complained, spitting out its reluctant ball that whorled and tented around the face of the machine like a great, orbitless planet.
Eight o'clock closing time.
Pretty much everything in Hanson closed at eight o'clock. It was a righteous, upstanding town, with only one bar (which closed later, around ten) and no library. Landlocked by gulfs of wheat and corn – the wheatheads nodding and excited by the sunlight, bright-headed as altarchildren, and the corn with their tassels and their secretive, discrete bundles. A big, old farmtown. I was pretty sure as hell that no one would be coming by the minute market at seven thirty and I had half a mind to abandon my post and see if I couldn't scrounge up the truck and Missy and hit the road for a bigger town and good time.
Raffles of leaves were coming down from the two smooth-bodied oaks we had out front and the evening was still and uncontested. Ragged sunlight peered in like a voyeur. Up the road I could hear the cough and throttle of a diesel engine. Overheated, clearing its throat like an orator. A truck with peeling red paint and a sad, broken headlight stuttered to halt outside the market, popbanging, with rubbed, potbellied djinnis of exhaust pouring from the tailpipe. A tall man stepped out of the car and slammed the door and popped the hood of the truck, exposing the oily intelligence of the vehicle. I spat into the trashcan and shook my head and checked the clock.
No deserting my post tonight.
I walked outside. I could smell the overheated engine and the oncoming night. The sleepless, unbroken headlight on the truck stared nervously down the road and I could see two big trash bags of garbage riding in the back. The man was digging around in the engine, scooping wires and tubes out of the way like the guts of a jackolantern.
Flotillas of clouds amassed on the horizon, a northbound navy.
“Sounds like you're out of coolant, mister,” I said.
He grunted. “Got a place I could fill up then?”
“Sure. Got a hose right here. Where're you headed?”
“Out of this godawful town is for sure.”
I walked over to the hose with my hands in my pockets. “Mister,” I said. “You and me both.”
The hose was all curled up and sunning like heavy-necked serpent and I dragged it along the gravel to the truck, which was ticktickticking with heat. I took a good look at the man as I handed him the hose. Sun-preached face, hair matted and unwashed, and, like his truck, he only had one good eye, the other one whitewashed and pitiless, like an unclothed moon. His hands were black with oil. He smelled of cigarettes and breathmints.
I had seen him before, it felt like.
He seemed like a regular face.
“Thanks, kid.”
“No problem.”
He opened the coolant lid and stuck the hose in and nodded at me. I turned the water on and the man settled against the car. “You running that store?”
“Sure.”
“You got oranges?”
“They were at one point...”
“I might just have to buy a pound or two.”
“Sure thing. When you're done, just come on in.”
“Maybe some liquor, too. I'm so godawfully thirsty.”
Where had I seen him before?
He screwed the radiator cap back on and tossed me the hose and slammed down the hood. We walked into the store. The butler-faced oranges watched us come in, grumpy with spotted chins. I got the man a paper bag and he but shoveled in six oranges. Some warbling singer blistered through the radio and the man went to the back for a bottle of Jack Daniels, white-bodied flourescent lights in the refrigerator humming like tattletales.
He walked up to the counter, the blind-eye still and crossways. I couldn't help staring at it. It gave me these empty chills in my stomach and made me squirm in my seat.
“That'll be it?”
He nodded and plunked the bottle and the bag of oranges on the counter. “What's a smooth lookin kid like yourself doin playing bag boy on a saturday night?”
“There sure as hell ain't anyone else gonna do it,” I said. He gave me three dollar bills, limp and green, like sick tongues offered for a doctor's inspection.
He smirked.
“I bet there aint much of a night life in Hanson, is there?”
I laughed. “Buddy, there aint much life here, period. My folks' idea of a real helluva time is to go down to barbershop on a friday night and get their hair cut together. Boy oh boy, if I'd half a mind I'd hop in that truck with you and hitch a ride all the way to Mexico if that's what it took to get some fresh air.”
“Nah, I got some business tonight,” said the man. He paused and looked off. “But any other night, though.”
I gave him his change.
“You should probably stop next twenty miles in White City and fill up with some more water.”
He nodded. “Thanks, kid.”
“No problem.”
The man walked out and started his car. The headlight's gnomish face scowling down the road. The dark swallowing in and spoil-bellied fireflies appeared, low and meek as footnotes. He drove off and I looked at the clock. Five minutes until eight. I turned to lock the cashbox and I took off my apron to hang it on the peg behind the counter. As I did, I caught a glance of the wrinkled FBI wanted posters pinned up and saw the face of the man with the bad eye and overheated truck, scowling down at me.
Frank Dent is wanted on nineteen counts of murder in Hanson County, Nebraska. Considered armed and extremely dangerous.
I just stared at it.
I stared at it and held my breath and listened to the sound of Frank Dent's truck fade into the belly of the night and wondered what was really in those garbage bags.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Kylan. =D


I sat behind the counter of the family minute market waiting for closing time and watching a cortege of ants traffic across the counter and into a candyjar where a few pieces of licorice lay like red soldiers left wounded on some foreign battlefield.


This sentence is full of delicious description, and I love it that I can clearly see the scene in my head, but my problem is that it's all just one sentence. I really felt like I needed to catch my breath after reading this bit, so maybe it would be better to divide it.


the old, venerated pinball machine we have in the corner which slumped and gaped and complained


The "which" is now referring more to the corner than the pinball machine, don't you think? ;)


A tall man stepped out of the car and slammed the door and popped the hood of the truck

He opened the coolant lid and stuck the hose in and nodded at me.


This might be a style issue, too, but I don't really like when a sentence has that "and-and" thing – I would replace the first one with a comma. It's basically up to you, though. It just starts to stand out more when you do it more than once.

*


Well, I always like your work, but I have to say I liked this more than the last one by you I read, the Blossom one. I really like your style, which usually never lets me down, but I guess it was the ending this time that made the biggest difference for me. I mean, even though the basic idea of seeing someone who seems familiar and who turns out to be a dangerous criminal, is somewhat used, you still delivered and I – again – enjoyed reading. I still feel the hot evening air of the story on me. It's actually pretty awesome, heh. The ending was just the way I like it, too.

I couldn't help wondering, though... seeing as he spent relatively much time in the shop (and looking at the poster), how could he not have recognised the man? I'm imagining, if I was in that situation, I would've memorized the bad guy's features so well I could tell straight away it was him, only because I'd be so scared, heh. I can also understand, though, that it probably isn't too easy to tell something like that, especially when it's so unexpected. That was just itching my mind a bit.

I would love it if I had something else to say about this, but I don't. Again, moments well spent reading and reviewing this. Thanks. =)


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Hi Kylan,

I'm disappointed with this piece.

Kylan wrote:An impatient fly tapped against the glass of the door and the old fan spun, struggling against the heat, like a swimmer against a current.


You can do better than that first haphazard image. If its impatient, of course it will be tapping. To the reader it appears that you take the personification and run with it far too much to the point where it drags across the ground. Just take out the "impatient", let the reader do some brain work on his own. For a story in which you barely describe anything later on, this first part has such an inundation of description and overwrought imagery (for a story, anyway - for a poem it would be acceptable as the limits are different) that one can't help but believe you're trying to overcompensate for the latter half of the piece. And...why? Mugginess can be electrified in the mind without spending three paragraphs and cheesy similes

I sat behind the counter of the family minute market waiting for closing time and watching a cortege of ants traffic across the counter and into a candyjar where a few pieces of licorice lay like red soldiers left wounded on some foreign battlefield.


Foreshadowing the Vietnam draft? Nice.

Boy oh boy, was I pissed.


I hope you did some good research on this because to my knowledge, nobody in the 1960s or 1970s, and especially not an almost-adult who was frustrated out of his skull, would say "boy oh boy". He's swear. You're thinking about the 50s, I think, when that type of language was used, at least stereotypically.

Momma out shopping with Bo and Dad playing cards down at Jim's while I was stuck in that godforsaken market as the heat settled in like a squatter


How is that intimidating or something that allows the reader to sy/empathize with the main character? A squatter is not particularly alarming, destructive, or annoying, unless you can create that image of a drunkard on the street. Just saying that it was like a homeless guy isn't enough.

and the stench of heated


Yes, I'm sure that that was implied already.

spoiling food giving me a headache that was pushing terrifically at my eyes.


Couple things severely wrong here with content. Either the food that he had brought from home as a snack or whatever was spoiled, or the food that was on the shelves was horribly spoiled. In the first case, wouldn't he just move it away or throw it out? Who would suffer a headache because of some spoiling apple? And in the second case, wouldn't his store be accused of sub-standard practices and investigated? His parents aren't that stupid, and I'm sure they have some system in place to keep that food for spoiling.

Unless there is another possibility that I'm not understanding, you have some major work to do explaining this. Or better yet, delete that useless part.

I was missing a date with Missy Turner, for God's sake!


Again, this sounds like I Love Lucy times twenty. A teenager wouldn't say "for God's sake", added by an exclamation mark (itself cheesy). He would say something more foul, especially when he has a blistering headache in the middle of a day guarding an empty store.

Very same Missy Turner who'd shown every guy in town a real good time and I'm seventeen and boy oh boy, it's high time someone gave me a good time cause I don't wanna die a virgin now that they're talking about a draft to go into Hanoi up on Capitol Hill.


Again, the "real good time" thing when talking about sex is straight out of the 1950s. Find a better term. Screwed around? I don't know. Anything but what you have up there.

The radio was going. It drawled and fuzzed, growing cultures of static like mold on a peach.


Too hard to imagine. How are those even visually similar, or otherwise? Add some layers, describe further. Mold on a peach grows incredibly slowly while radio static attacks in bursts like Viet Cong rifles.

Dimpled sunlight mulled through the store and I spun around in the swivel chair behind the counter and played with the cash register. There were racks of bubblegum and cigarettes and cases of fruit – apples mushy as bad romances and oranges with sad, wrinkled faces that stared outside and contemplated the sunset – and I tried my luck at the old, venerated pinball machine we have in the corner which slumped and gaped and complained, spitting out its reluctant ball that whorled and tented around the face of the machine like a great, orbitless planet.

Eight o'clock closing time.


Good, except for the similes. The entire apples and oranges part was overdone. Mushy as bad romances? That sounds...intentionally cheesy, as if you were poking fun at the concept of tacking on a simile to everything a writer encounters. I sincerely hope you were.

Pretty much everything in Hanson closed at eight o'clock. It was a righteous, upstanding town, with only one bar (which closed later, around ten) and no library. Landlocked by gulfs of wheat and corn – the wheatheads nodding and excited by the sunlight, bright-headed as altarchildren, and the corn with their tassels and their secretive, discrete bundles. A big, old farmtown. I was pretty sure as hell that no one would be coming by the minute market at seven thirty and I had half a mind to abandon my post and see if I couldn't scrounge up the truck and Missy and hit the road for a bigger town and good time.


This is an info-dump and one of the worst kind, dressed limply in poetic language in order to prevent the reader from knowing what it really is. However, the true intent comes out quite clearly. Get rid of this entire paragraph and merge it subtly within the other paragraphs.

Raffles of leaves were coming down from the two smooth-bodied oaks we had out front and the evening was still and uncontested. Ragged sunlight peered in like a voyeur. Up the road I could hear the cough and throttle of a diesel engine. Overheated, clearing its throat like an orator. A truck with peeling red paint and a sad, broken headlight stuttered to halt outside the market, popbanging, with rubbed, potbellied djinnis of exhaust pouring from the tailpipe. A tall man stepped out of the car and slammed the door and popped the hood of the truck, exposing the oily intelligence of the vehicle. I spat into the trashcan and shook my head and checked the clock.

No deserting my post tonight.


Good, no comment here. Except, again, you destroy the entire meaning of a simile by adding so many, sardine packed into every line. Please get rid of some of them if nothing else.

I walked outside. I could smell the overheated engine and the oncoming night. The sleepless, unbroken headlight on the truck stared nervously down the road and I could see two big trash bags of garbage riding in the back. The man was digging around in the engine, scooping wires and tubes out of the way like the guts of a jackolantern.

Flotillas of clouds amassed on the horizon, a northbound navy.

“Sounds like you're out of coolant, mister,” I said.


Good. However, why would this kid go out to the driver of the truck when he was dying in the humidity after a full day of tending the shop with a headache? He'd want to stay put and hope that the man went away. Either this teenager has the heart of the Almighty...or he's unrealistic and a character not well thought out by this point, and I think I know which one sounds more plausible. Change it. Maybe have the driver ask the kid to come out and help check up the vehicle.

He grunted. “Got a place I could fill up then?”

“Sure. Got a hose right here. Where're you headed?”

“Out of this godawful town is for sure.”

I walked over to the hose with my hands in my pockets. “Mister,” I said. “You and me both.”

The hose was all curled up and sunning like heavy-necked serpent and I dragged it along the gravel to the truck, which was ticktickticking with heat. I took a good look at the man as I handed him the hose. Sun-preached face, hair matted and unwashed, and, like his truck, he only had one good eye, the other one whitewashed and pitiless, like an unclothed moon. His hands were black with oil. He smelled of cigarettes and breathmints.

I had seen him before, it felt like.

He seemed like a regular face.

“Thanks, kid.”

“No problem.”


Cool, cool.

He opened the coolant lid and stuck the hose in and nodded at me. I turned the water on and the man settled against the car. “You running that store?”

“Sure.”

“You got oranges?”

“They were at one point...”

“I might just have to buy a pound or two.”

“Sure thing. When you're done, just come on in.”

“Maybe some liquor, too. I'm so godawfully thirsty.”

Where had I seen him before?

He screwed the radiator cap back on and tossed me the hose and slammed down the hood. We walked into the store. The butler-faced oranges watched us come in, grumpy with spotted chins. I got the man a paper bag and he but shoveled in six oranges. Some warbling singer blistered through the radio and the man went to the back for a bottle of Jack Daniels, white-bodied flourescent lights in the refrigerator humming like tattletales.


Good, good.

He walked up to the counter, the blind-eye still and crossways. I couldn't help staring at it. It gave me these empty chills in my stomach and made me squirm in my seat.

“That'll be it?”

He nodded and plunked the bottle and the bag of oranges on the counter. “What's a smooth lookin kid like yourself doin playing bag boy on a saturday night?”

“There sure as hell ain't anyone else gonna do it,” I said. He gave me three dollar bills, limp and green, like sick tongues offered for a doctor's inspection.

He smirked.

“I bet there aint much of a night life in Hanson, is there?”

I laughed. “Buddy, there aint much life here, period. My folks' idea of a real helluva time is to go down to barbershop on a friday night and get their hair cut together. Boy oh boy, if I'd half a mind I'd hop in that truck with you and hitch a ride all the way to Mexico if that's what it took to get some fresh air.”

“Nah, I got some business tonight,” said the man. He paused and looked off. “But any other night, though.”

I gave him his change.

“You should probably stop next twenty miles in White City and fill up with some more water.”

He nodded. “Thanks, kid.”

“No problem.”


Nice. I might as well mention that I've immensely enjoyed this last half of the story so far because you don't sound pretentious and actually manage to deliver the story with fireworks, unlike the first half.

The man walked out and started his car. The headlight's gnomish face scowling down the road. The dark swallowing in and spoil-bellied fireflies appeared, low and meek as footnotes. He drove off and I looked at the clock. Five minutes until eight. I turned to lock the cashbox and I took off my apron to hang it on the peg behind the counter. As I did, I caught a glance of the wrinkled FBI wanted posters pinned up and saw the face of the man with the bad eye and overheated truck, scowling down at me.

Frank Dent is wanted on nineteen counts of murder in Hanson County, Nebraska. Considered armed and extremely dangerous.

I just stared at it.

I stared at it and held my breath and listened to the sound of Frank Dent's truck fade into the belly of the night and wondered what was really in those garbage bags.


Okay, good. Except...

What? This entire story led to such a pathetic end as the guy being a serial killer at the end...

This is almost as if you leapt out of a corner, punched the reader in the nose, and ran away laughing. It was surprising, sure, but not at all satisfying, not even in a morbid way which I might have expected due to this being a story about a boy and a murderer. This ending utterly failed, in this reader's eyes at least. Nobody wants a rabbit-out-of-the-bag ending and a nice clean wrap-up like you had there. We want a surprise that actually means something. For the duration of this story, it built up well, suspense heightening when the boy was wondering to himself where he had seen the man before...and it just falls on its face with the words THE END and closing credits appearing right afterwards. This did nothing for me and I learned nothing, felt nothing, from the closing or what went into foreshadowing it from the beginning.

For a writing exercise with no real value, this worked, and worked very well; for an actual story, this was done poorly. Description was there, atmosphere was there. The content, true content was never present. Even five-minute flash fiction is supposed to have some sort of story or catharsis to leave the reader with a feeling of air rushing through his veins at the end. I hope you meant for this ending to be lacking as it was.

You can do better than this, Kylan. You can do so much better.

Hope that helped,
Galerius




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Hello, Kylan!

So, I'm not sure how much of a "full" review I'll be able to get done on this before my mother declares it bedtime. Let's have a stab:

I like your opening paragraph. You do a good job pulling us in with the first few sentences, but as we get to his frustration, it seems a bit out of the blue. It's understandable, yes, but it's a lot to take in for an opening paragraph, dear. Spacing would/could make this easier, definitely, because I do like all that you have here. It's just a lot for a first impression.

In addition to that, it kind of has a slight halt to it. As I read this the first time, it was good, but as I got to the end of the story, it was a lot smoother, as if there's an unnoticeable change in tone here. It would be understandable; a customer could brighten this boy's mood.

I enjoy how, in your prose, you isolate a descriptive sentence or another-- nice, oddly realistic touch there, almost as if it's the moment you take to subconsciously look around.

The ending of this was well done. Kind of had a slight unfinished tone to it, which isn't exactly bad, seeing as this is one guy's day and normal days aren't superbly interesting. That's one of the main things I enjoyed about this-- the simplicity of the day with the dramatic twist of meeting a serial killer. His lack of recognition is understandable, as is his surprise after seeing the poster. Very easy to relate to.

I do think I said to you before that I love your stories based in the south. They seem real, as if they come from someone who has lived there-- and it took me by surprise to find out you didn't. Nevertheless, your ability to write story after story based in everyday places is -- for lack of a better word -- awesome.

Definitely joins my list of favorites by you. Keep it up, Kylan. Keep it up. :)

June ;)
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter



october smells like being ten years old and not scared of anything
— dissonance