Time

I didn't know whether this is in the right place, but it didn't fit anywhere else so I hope it's OK.
This is one of my first pieces of writing. This is the Prologue I think. I hope you enjoy and can give me some feedback and how I can improve. I've not really written much before, so I hope this is OK to start with.
Here goes...



Time. Ever wondered what the world would be like without it? Would it be a disaster? An amazing change? Useful? The world is full of changes happening every day. So why can’t time change? Why is it always in the way? It never helps anyone. Most of all, me.

Ever since I was nine years old, when my parents passed away, I have always wanted to know the answers. The answers to everything that is unanswered. But now, at sixteen, I’m going to find them out for myself. No one has given me any answers which are any use to me, and they were all different. I figured I would find out what I want to know and when I want it, whether people like it or not – I couldn't’t care less. I guess you could call me somewhat over ambitious and totally crazy for doing so, but I have a good reason to, don’t you think?

Everyone said my parents were just unlucky, but I disagree. I’ve never told anyone that, and I really don’t plan to. They would all call me crazy and stupid, and, there’s no point. No one has ever listened to me but my parents. I’ve had seven whole years to put up with the silence. And I don’t want to carry on with it any longer – I’m sick of it. And as a result, I keep myself to myself and above all, I don’t trust anyone. Yeah, I have friends and that, but really, who can you trust when you know they lie to you all the time? The only person I have ever trusted since my parents’ death is Claire, my all-time best friend, but she moved away to California when we were ten. I was still caught up about my parents, and then she moved – without a word about where or when she was going. I only found out a few years back via Facebook when I decided I’d add her and find out for myself. I knew it was risky business and all, but I had to know why my best friend moved. She said, “It was my parents, Hannah, I had no choice. They told me not to tell you anything. I would have been in big trouble if I did.” Bullshit my friend. Complete and utter bullshit.

So I’ve decided to move away from Florida. I’m going to New York. They say it’s the city of chances, love, dreams and opportunities. What I’ll do there? I have no idea. I’ve already bought my penthouse in Times Square and my flight tickets. It was all about finding that perfect job, friends, answers and trust. Is it all going to work out as I plan? Who knows? No one does. So I’m going to find out.



Thank you in advance for critiques!

For one of your first pieces, this is pretty good. It's always difficult to get much from something so short, but it is only a prologue and so the small size is to be expected

As a prologue, it does pretty well. It sets up the potential for a decent, if currently ambiguous, plot, and also sets the tone and voice of the story. That part you've done quite successfully. I liked the conversational tone, with the various questions and the odd slang.

A couple of things I would look at changing:

Why is it always in the way? It never helps anyone. Most of all, me.

I would change that last bit to "Least of all, me". Makes more sense to me.

I figured I would find out what I want to know and when I want it

I would just get the "and" and put in a comma instead. Again, I think it just reads better.


Keep going and I'd be happy to take a look at any future installments

Josh

Your comments about time tickle my debate bone, and make me want to philosophically disagree but as a piece of writing, I can't fault it. As the previous reviewer said, it does its job well.

I personally have never been a fan prologues like this because, although the information may be necessary to story, they are always 100% tell and no show. In other words, nothing actually happens. However, that's my problem, not yours. This sort of prologue is certainly a style I've seen employed before.

One small concern: how does a 16 year old afford a penthouse in Times Square by herself?

In my opinion this was a successful introduction of the character in that I could really feel how bitter and pessimistic she was about the world and people.

The style employed isn't formal so it feels exactly like the person's speaking their mind bluntly and so you get to empathise with the character more.

Just a couple suggestions -

"Yeah, I have friends and that," 'and that' sort of makes me think of someone from england rather than someone from America. So you might want to say a couple phrases over to yourself in an american accent (sounds weird I know, but hey it might work out for you) to see if it's the sort of thing an American might say.

Also, it shows that she might not have an understanding of what a friend truly is by saying 'i have friends'. In fact it makes her come off as a little desperate to show she's not all that down. Maybe you could rephrase it as 'Yeah, I have 'friends', but really .... ' It would make it clear as to how she thinks the word 'friend' is overused and inappropriate for the people she knows.

"Everyone said my parents were just unlucky" Now, I don't have any experience in this but I certainly wouldn't tell a thirteen - sixteen year old girl 'unlucky about your parents dieing.' It sounds a little insensitive. I'm not sure if that's what you wanted people to think of the people she's surrounded by but it seems a little inappropriate for a death.

Just a couple suggestions really, but overall I like the train of thought here. Just a piece of advice here that I would employ... make sure she doesn't open up to other characters too easily or else you lose the character build-up you've accomplished in this prologue.

Looking forward to the next chapter .

- Tusker -