My hearts keeper

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I put this in other cause it really doesn't go into any others yet because I've just started, but here is what I've got so far. Enjoy. I hope you like it and feel free to comment :)

Ally was sitting in the middle of her bed with all of her stuffed teddies from her childhood and blankets piled up at the end. Her tears were becoming more noticeable now as she could feel them down she already moist cheeks.

The voices were getter louder through Ally’s bedroom floor. She wanted so badly to just run downstairs and beg for them to stop, to remind them that they both still love each other no matter what and fighting isn’t going to solve anything, but she knew that if she was to go down there, it would only make things worse. However, she felt as if she needs to do something. If not tell her parents to stop fighting, than found something else to occupy her mind.

She didn’t have to move far as the book she was previously reading was still sitting on her bedside table with her page marked by a battered piece of material she found in her mum’s dressing room. She doesn’t know that Ally has it, but it was only one small strip of material, she didn’t think she would notice its absence.

She snatched the book from the bedside table and let the air dry her tears from her face.

* * *
“Savannah,” Isabelle sighed. “Will you be careful?”

“I’m not even doing anything,” she answered in her sweet, innocent voice.

She was balancing on a log with moss gluing it to the ground.

“If you fall and break your neck, mother will shot me,” Isabelle protested.

Savannah sighed and jumps down from the log, her honey blonde hair bouncing off her shoulders.

“Where’s Sebastian?” she called out from the distance.

“He should be back soon. He said he may be a while,”

But Savannah couldn’t hear the rest of what her sister said as there was a loud hover sound. The sound of wind crashing against the wings of a bird.

Isabelle looked above in alarm. The sky was the perfect cloudless blue. She could see the pecks of the mountains and the tops of the trees they were surrounded by.

She turned back to Savannah, only to found that her sweet little sister wasn’t around. Isabelle turned in a circle just in case she had walked farther into the trees, but came up blank.

“Savannah!” she tried to call out for her, but all she got back was the echo of her own words. “Savannah!”

Isabelle was shortly becoming panicked. She ran down the path of the trees a head only to find loose sicks and died off leaves fallen from the trees.

Isabelle could hear the sweet laughter of her young sister just a few feet ahead. She followed the sound and circled the area. The laughter continued, but was cut off early.

“Savannah!” Isabelle cried out in a gasp.

Half expecting her little sister’s scream, Isabelle pulled out her sword from the leather belt wrapped around her tiny waist, holding the numerous number of other weapons of hers.

She waited there, ready for anything about to jump out at her.

There was a ruffling noise, almost like footsteps escaping through the died off sticks and leaves that covered the forest flooring.

“Who are you?” Isabelle said to the wind. “What do you want?”

Savannah’s laugh came through the tress again, but a little bit farther up.

Isabelle turned in her new direction and slowly stepped forward. She wasn’t even at the tree before a tall, muscular figure jumped out in front of her, armed with a sword just like her own.

“Who am I you ask,” the figure sounded almost pleased with himself. “Why I am the great Sebastian Wood, and as for what I want, well...”

He smirked before having a swing at Isabelle, but she had good reflects and met Sebastian’s with her own.




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Hi,
I liked this story, even though it made me sad :( I felt for Ally right from the beginning of the story, which is sometimes tricky for people to do! Good job :) I hope you write more of this story, I will defiantly read it! Keep up the good work :)

PM me if you need anything!

Love,
N
Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
-Gloria Steinem




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The story and characters are good, but the mechanics could use some work.

For instance, try to stick with one tense throughout the story.
She doesn’t know that Ally has it, but it was only one small strip of material, she didn’t think she would notice its absence.

In this sentence you switch from present to past tense. This happens in a few other places, too.

She wanted so badly to just run downstairs and beg for them to stop, to remind them that they both still love each other no matter what and fighting isn’t going to solve anything, but she knew that if she was to go down there, it would only make things worse.

This is a runon sentence. A good way to improve it is to break it up into smaller sentences, like this: She wanted so badly to just run downstairs and beg for them to stop. She wanted to remind them that they both still loved each other no matter what, and that fighting wouldn't solve anything. But she knew that if she was to go down there, it would only make things worse.

Anyway, great job! Keep it up.




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“If you fall and break your neck, mother will shot me,” Isabelle protested.


I'm sure this is just a typo, but shot should be shoot.

But Savannah couldn’t hear the rest of what her sister said as there was a loud hover sound.


I'm sure this is another typo, but hover should be hovering.

****

Overall I really like this beginning. The suspense that you have in there was great too, it compltely caught me off guard. But in a good way, can't wait for more (: The other comments say something about an Ally, but that it's the beginning. Did I correct the wrong part?
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
-James Dean




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Thank everyone. I'm glad you like it! I've taken in what you have all said and made the changes. Thanks! Here is the next part. This is my friends fav part :)


“You are such an idiot!”

“Hm, an idiot you say. Personally I wouldn’t classify myself as one to join that culture. No, more like the culture for the most intelligent, the most charming.”

“Modest much.”

Sebastian tried another swing at his older sister, making her jump back a feet or two.
“You see my sister,”

Isabelle throws her sword to Sebastian’s neck, but he was too fast and blocked his sister’s attack with a sharp clang.

“People –such as me- believe that modesty is the creative part of our personalities,” he smiled.

Sebastian took another swing at Isabelle. Isabelle turned on the spot and met her brother’s sword in midair.

“And there’s the other people –like me,” she said. “Who think it’s dumb and meaningless,”

Sebastian chuckled. “Meaningless, oh so deep.”

“Please, you wouldn’t know the meaning of the word.”

“Sure I do,” Sebastian pushed his sister back with another swing of his sword. “Meaningless; having no meaning,”

They both turned in a circle as they had another shoot at each other.

“Or significance,” Isabelle finished.

“Yes, and that.”

Both Sebastian and Isabelle stared down at each other for a moment, until Sebastian lowered his sword and Isabelle gently pushed him down with hers.

Sebastian chuckled. But Isabelle ignored him and turned around to get Savannah. She was standing in the middle of the almost dirt track, waiting for something.

“Come on Savannah, mother said not to be long,” Isabelle called out to her little sister then started to walk in the opposite directions, placing her sword back inside her belt.

“Wait,” she called back. “Where’s Ringo?”

“Don’t worry, he’ll find his way back,” Sebastian said, letting his little sister climb onto his back.

“But what if he gets lost?”

“He won’t get lost. He’s a dragon,”

Savannah smiled before wrapping her arms around Sebastian’s neck and let him carry her back home.

* * *
Walking home in winter has always been an unpleasant experience for Ally. The cold doesn’t bother her that much, but the wind was crucial. It would just get in your face and ears, leaving them frozen in just a few seconds.

Matt was trying to explain what action packed day he had in history with another boy, Justin, but Ally wasn’t paying too much attention.

“Earth to Ally. You still with me?” Matt dragged Ally back from her not so happy thoughts.

She shook her head as if to shake away those thoughts.

“Um, I’m sorry...what was it that you said?”

Matt sighed. “You’re not paying attention to me are you?”

“Sorry.”

Matt shrugged his shoulders. “You didn’t miss much.”

“Hm.”

Matt stopped Ally and himself in their tracks –even though her house was still a couple of blocks up.

“Is everything okay?” He stared down at his best friend.

Ally debated whether or not to tell Matt. He was her best friend after all, why couldn’t she tell him? But something was wrong about the idea of doing so. Matt has become good friends with both her parents, it would hurt him too if he knew they were fighting.

“Yeah,” she put a fake smile on as best she could. “Everything’s fine,”

“You’re not a very good liar.”

“I never said I was.”

Matt chuckled then started to walk back up the concrete path.

Usually Ally's dad is always home before Ally gets there –he works later-, but her mum was home too. She mainly works in town, but she is home the occasional time.



Tell me, what is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life?
— Mary Oliver