The realm

I wrote this a while back and did my best on the editing. Please rip it apart, so that I may reconstruct it. Also, it's extremely important for me to know if you feel the "flow" in the story and how well you get to know the characters. Thanks

The realm
Chapter one

"This is not a good idea," stated a slightly hidden, female, human like figure. As she moved out of the cover of the trees, one could tell she was rather short. Her creamy skin seemed gentle and thin, and her eyes shown a bright green, her wavy hair a stunning color of amber, framing her face tenderly.
The smile that usually embraced her face faded with discontent. She wrinkled her nose as if something rotten had hit her overly sensitive nostrils. Her figure was slim, and her features were soft, like the first leaf that lands on the ground in the fall.
She would have looked human, her walk, the way her voice sounded, even the way she looked: it all looked and sounded human.
Except for one thing. A pair of long gentle elfen ears that crowned each side of her head.
Another figure walked next to her, silenced by the words her companion just said. She was tall, big black long curls sliding all the way down from the top of her head to her back, twisting themselves around her neckline, sliding slowly with every step she took and into her eyes. Her icy blue eyes seemed startlingly right with her pail skin and dark hair. Unsettlingly so. Her sharp chin was held up high, her soft cheekbones seeming sharp from that angle. By the look on her face she seemed disappointed.
"Fine, Lily," she mumbled, her voice sharp with unhappiness.
Lily let out a long sigh, a serious and considerate look taking over her face.
The two girls walked silently for a few moments, down the long dirt road, passing patches of sunlight that were unblocked by the trees around them. Lily felt the warmth of the sun touching her fingertips every time the sun came out from behind the thick trees. She smiled.
"It isn't going to be that fun of a prank though, you know, Nell?" Lily broke the silence. Her serious expression seemed to lighten a bit.
Nell blinked. "Yeah, I know," she said finally, not sure what had come over her friend. She peeked at the short figure beside her, amber hair pulled back in a tidy ponytail.
They both slowed their pace, finally coming to a halt near a big forest tree. Its trunk was covered with damp, green mold.
A patch of sunlight suddenly stroked where they stood, sliding to the ground from behind the trees. Nell swore silently, retrieving to the shadows. Lily, in contrast, spread her arms wide. a happy smile crossed her face with the relief of the sun; it made her feel much better. Then again, she was an elf, no helping that. Sun and nature were in her blood.
She spread her arms wider, feeling the warmth extend inside her body.
Ten centuries of elfin that lived in natural world made it possible for elves to recharge themselves with the sun light. whenever an elf basked in the sun it was being recharged, the magic powers inside it renewing themselves – an elf needs to do this ritual once every blue moon, the one that rises in Amberea every twelve human weeks.
Maybe it was a long time since she last felt the sun. That thought in her mind, Lily tried to absorb as much of it as possible.
"How can you like that?" Nell spitted out from the side of the tree where the shadows hid her from the sun. "Damn sun," she hissed, adjusting a long silky cape that surrounded her body like a coat.
"It's not the sun's fault that you're a vampire," Lily laughed happily.
Nell opened her mouth to speak, two razor sharp fangs suddenly visible from her lips.
A third figure had appeared from within the tree, as if submerging from inside it.
"You're late, Damon," Lily cut through Nell's open mouth without hesitation.
Damon smiled. "As always," he said, his voice cheerful. His nut brown eyes shown thoughtfully, his maple skin that seemed apart of the tree finally clearing in the last rays of sun. His short brown hair shown in the sunlight like an angel's aura. His form was thin but strong, his face sharp with a bit of softness in them. Like most nymphs.
"Sun!" he called excitedly at the sight of the sun patch, hurrying to stand beside Lily, a smile of delight on his lips.
Nell swore again. "What is it with you sun creatures?" she asked, annoyed, her black eyebrows pulled down together angrily.
Damon started laughing a bubbly laugh, shaking off her anger. "Well you see, since our ancestors lived in the natural world –" he said the words slowly, as if discussing with an infant.
"I know, I know," Nell interrupted irritably. "The teachers won't stop talking about that in biology and history and what not."
Lily leaned on the trunk, the smell of mold reaching her nostrils. Small caterpillars crawled on her palm curiously and she caressed them gently with a loving hand. "But we love you even though you're not a shadow creature." Her face was grave and her voice serious and solemn.
Nell tried to scowl but a thin smile escaped her lips. The tense atmosphere faded as Nell began to speak. "We – we better go before we'll be late for school." She tried to hide her blush. The sun returned to hide gloomily behind the trees.
Lily nodded soberly, her cheeks flushed. "Yeah, you're right."
The three of them started walking deeper and deeper into the forest, their legs moving in unison, no sound heard but the soft swishing of the fabrics of their clothes and the padded thumps of their footsteps.
"By the way, guys," Damon pointed out, his eyes shinning with eagerness. "Any new ideas?"
Nell let out a tooth showing smile. "Oh yeah," she chuckled coldly. "You'll see, nymph-boy."
Lily smiled at her friend's ominous tone. Things around here had started to get too quiet for her liking. Time to bring out the sun.
***
Lily, Nell and Damon stood in the middle of the forest; it was so thick now that no sunlight could get through. That thought sent a prickly note of panic through Lily. Nell on the other hand seemed completely at ease. She took off her long silky cape, revealing her school uniform, black sweater with the school crest and a dark blue skirt that reached her knees. With her scowl, the uniform made her seem even more deadly and elegant than usual.
"Very vampirey," Lily laughed; even darkness couldn't stop her cheerful temper from bursting out. However, an alarmed note slipped into her tone, her eyes bright and edgy.
Damon tried to chuckle, but it came out as a nervous cough.
"I hate going underground too," Lily said and held his hand, squeezing it encouragingly. Damon managed a smile, his lower lip trembling. Nymphs were especially sensitive to lack of sunlight. It was problematic for him, living in this clammy, murky forest. Lily felt her courage caving in. Oh, when will they get there already?
Nell rolled her eyes at the two's misery. Light and dark had their differences after all, even if the great feud was over. Suddenly she froze, her whole figure coming to a chilly halt. Her icy blue eyes narrowed, then she stood up straight and smiled. "They're coming," she said calmly, right before the earth started crumbling underneath their feet.
***
Damon shook his head. "I'm never going to get used to that."
"You nymph," Nell said with a slight sneer.
They were standing in their classroom, more people falling on the floor from the ceiling above them, shaking their heads and catching their balance.
Lily stayed quiet as she watched the students fall from the ceiling one by one.
"That's not it –" Damon continued arguing as tables and chairs submerged from the floor, knocking people out of their way gently.
Nell sat calmly on a chair that appeared next to her. "Are you sure?" she asked, her arctic blue eyes big with made-up consideration.
Damon shifted in his place, making room for a long table. "I am!" he said crossly. "Lily?" he asked after a couple of minutes, hesitant. "It's not because I'm a nymph, right?"
Lily groaned, her soft green eyes even softer than usual. "Of course not!" she said severely, taking her seat next to the long table. Her long, green coat felt hot and uncomfortable in the well conditioned classroom. She took it off, showing the school uniform, with the odious crest she came to hate.
Damon smiled weakly, smoothing his brown hair, calmed. "I knew you'd understand," he said quietly so only she could hear. Of course he did. Because Damon and Lily were best friends, forever.
He sat down next to her, the class room suddenly falling quiet. A tall strict figure had walked in. She looked down at each one of the residents sternly.
Her hair was blue, held back by a strict bundle at the back of her neck. A pair of thick glasses slid off a nearly straight nose, her violet eyes shinning of authority. She seemed a bit old, her mouth reducing to a slim slashed line in her face as she gazed at her students.
"Well then," she said when everybody's eyes were on her. "Today's lesson is about your powers." A rush of excitement went through the class and mumbles were already heard. Lily heard Damon groan quietly, and wished she could do the same. Nevertheless, she stood her ground, ignoring the giggles and stares she knew were on her.
I will not give up, she told herself firmly.
"As you all know, your powers come from your ancestors, and they had gotten them in the real world –" the teacher went on reciting what was a known fact throughout the magical world.
The real world was where the magical society had come from, needing to survive each race had made their own unique power, but even that wasn't enough. They had to leave: the natural world was running out of recourses. They had to escape. And so they left, moving to this dimension, blocking the real world forever, so that nobody would ever have to go back to that horrible place.
"Thus bringing us to this point," the teacher had concluded.
Lily shook her head vaguely in discontent, her nose wrinkling again.
"Now, we are going to give you some practice!" It never seems reasonable that she could still produce sound, with her lips pursed so tightly together, Lily thought with a shudder. Well, that's witches for you. Everything is possible is not just a motto for them.
The students rose from their seats, the brushing of cloaks and humming of murmured conversations sifted through the class.
"Emma Robbins, come to the front!"
A shy looking girl with a pink uniform walked to the front of the class, her cheeks red and her golden hair woven into two endearing braids at the sides of her head. She closed her eyes tightly, lips pursed. There was a loud puff and the class faced an adorable little puppy, its fur golden like its owner's hair, its ears long and floppy.
"Oh, Collin!" the girl cried. "I told you to go home!"
The teacher examined the puppy from behind her thick glasses, violet eyes shinning knowingly. "Well, I suppose this would be fine. You summoned the creature you had thought of. Very well. Back to your seat, child!" she banished the girl with a disapproving look. "Abel Abbot, please come forward."
The timid girl rushed back to her seat gratefully, almost bumping into the person that walked to the front. His white hair covered his red eyes with thick bangs cut especially in order to do so. He had brushed the hair aside for now, his cherry eyes cold and still, emotionless. His build was strong and tall, two fangs clearly visible from his mouth. He paid the girl no mind, turning coldly to the teacher. A few giggles were heard from the girls in the classroom, but otherwise everything was dead quiet.
"Come on, boy! I don't have all day," scolded the teacher with a severe glance at his teeth.
She might as well have been jumping in front of him while yelling 'bite me.'
Lily felt Nell shift in her chair restlessly. Some of the old ones still hadn't gotten over the great feud.
The sound of wind howling filled the classroom before a purple, tangible aura surrounded the young man, even on all sides, covering him like a lavender bubble from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. He scowled, one of his sharp teeth touching his lower lip. "Is that enough, miss?" he spat out. The teacher nodded stiffly, returning to the list of names.
The giggling continued as he proceeded back to his seat, most of the eyes locked on his back. He seemed determined to act as if they didn't exist.
Lily nudged Nell under the desk lightly. No matter what the old ones say, they were still best friends. Nell shot her one murderous glance, still annoyed, her lips curved in a hazardous way.
"Stay calm," Lily mouthed hastily, seeing the dangerous tint in Nell's eyes.
Nell scowled back at her. "What for?" she breathed.
"I care about you!" Lilly whispered almost vehemently, tears of worry fighting their way down her cheeks. "You cannot get kicked out. You can't do that to yourself or to me. And I'm sure Damon cares too."
With a nasty look at Nell, Damon shook his head furiously. "Speak for yourself," he hissed.
"Excuse me!" a shrill voice cut through their whispered conversation. Lily picked up her gaze steadily and carefully. "I believe I called your name, Ms. Rain." The teacher's thick glasses threatened to fall off her flattened nose.
Lily grimaced as she got up from her seat. A few whispers were heard, but there were no giggles.
Lily took a big breath. It felt like her inners were burning. She closed her eyes, counted to three and aimed.
Gasps were heard from the class. Lily knew why they were gasping. They were scared. Scared of her. Her, the one magical creature that didn't have a defense system inside it. The one creature that did not simply vanish, or shape shift, or heal. The one that aimed to kill. Luckily, the arrows she pulled out of thin air missed their aim by one foot from the teacher's head.
For one minute, Lily was even pleased. She'd never been this close to a target before. The exuberant feeling inside her frightened her for a moment, but she braced herself to face it. She was, after all, Lilly Rain, the daughter of the headmaster, the hope of so many magic scientists. She was strong enough to face whatever it was. And besides, it was part of her. And she'd done well, so why shouldn't she feel pleased? Why should she be angry with herself for being pleased?
"Seat," the teacher mumbled faintly before dropping on a tall, black chair that had appeared just in time to catch her collapse.
Cheeks redder than the first girl, Lily returned to her seat with her eyes fixed on the floor. When she looked up, it wasn't to see the class's reaction. Damon met her eyes first. He shrugged, smiling his carefree smile. "Don't think you're all that great just because you can do that," he warned, his brown eyes laughing.
Nell grinned widely. "I never get over that, you know." She flicked one of her big dark curls away from her collarbone with a twitch of her hand. The sentences of the two carried loudly through the silenced class. The students looked at each other, then at the teacher who was taking deep breaths, then at each other again.
"Tyler Dunnigers." The teacher's voice returned to its normal volume, even if a bit shaken.
A short brown haired boy walked to the front desk, summoning roots from the ceiling. And it went on and on. Lily watched the class slowly relax into its everyday numbness, feeling herself breathe more clearly. So now they know. Not that they hadn't before, but now they saw it with their own eyes. Well, she tried to console herself, at least it means no more stale conversation in the halls.
One gaze did not drop though. She felt the red eyes bore into her back for a solid hour before turning around to glare at boy. But she couldn't. The red eyes and pale skin shook her and she turned back sharply, not one bit of anger left inside her. It was replaced with fear. And then fear was replaced with anxiety as Damon's name was called.
He smiled darkly, rising slowly and walking to the desk. She watched closely as he closed his eyes. And nothing happened.

"This is not a good idea," stated a slightly hidden, female, human like figure.

Too many adjectives describing this character are placed one after another. Try to incorporate these descriptions somewhere else in the paragraph, or sentence, even.

As she moved out of the cover of the trees, one could tell she was rather short. Her creamy skin seemed gentle and thin, and her eyes shown a bright green, her wavy hair a stunning color of amber, framing her face tenderly.

Better. I think you meant her eyes shone a bright green. Bit too long of a sentence here; to many descriptive words. I have problems with that as well, though.

The smile that usually embraced her face faded with discontent. She wrinkled her nose as if something rotten had hit her overly sensitive nostrils. Her figure was slim, and her features were soft, like the first leaf that lands on the ground in the fall.

Amazing! Very nice analogy.

Except for one thing. A pair of long gentle elfen ears that crowned each side of her head.

I believe its elven not elfen but i may be wrong.

She was tall, big black long curls sliding all the way down from the top of her head to her back, twisting themselves around her neckline, sliding slowly with every step she took and into her eyes.

You did it again. Too many adjectives in one sentence.

The two girls walked silently for a few moments, down the long dirt road, passing patches of sunlight that were unblocked by the trees around them.

Unblocked? I think you should have said "not blocked".

Ten centuries of elfin that lived in natural world made it possible for elves to recharge themselves with the sun light. whenever an elf basked in the sun it was being recharged, the magic powers inside it renewing themselves – an elf needs to do this ritual once every blue moon, the one that rises in Amberea every twelve human weeks.
Maybe it was a long time since she last felt the sun. That thought in her mind, Lily tried to absorb as much of it as possible.

Infodump alert!! Sorry but this is a bit unnecessary.


And that's all I have time to do to this today! Got to leave material for others, doncha know. Sorry if i seem a bit Know-it-all but I've been told most of this stuff about my stories, as well.

She would have looked human, her walk, the way her voice sounded, even the way she looked: it all looked and sounded human.

You use 'looked human a little too much for one sentence.

"Fine, Lily," she mumbled, her voice sharp with unhappiness.

Unhappiness or sadness?

"How can you like that?" Nell spitted out

Spitted?

His short brown hair shown in the sunlight like an angel's aura.

Shown should be shone, but angels aura, I like it.

Through the first few paragraphs I was thinking, great, another elf story, but as soon as i got into it properly, wow! Your only issue is staying away from cliche. But really, I loved it. I love Lily as a main character, and I love her two friends who hate each other but are both obviously fiercely loyal and great fun. You've looked at vampires in a very old way, the way that would have been normal before twilight, but it now feels refreshing in comparison to twilight.
Any questions, you know who to ask.

Maddy

This was really good. Awsome even. I like the description of the characters and the concept of magical creatures. Just a few things:

Except for one thing. A pair of long gentle elfen ears that crowned each side of her head.

Sorry but sometimes I'm a little picky. I think it's "elfin" not "elfen."

Another figure walked next to her, silenced by the words her companion just said. She was tall, big black long curls sliding all the way down from the top of her head to her back, twisting themselves around her neckline, sliding slowly with every step she took and into her eyes. Her icy blue eyes seemed startlingly right with her pail skin and dark hair. Unsettlingly so. Her sharp chin was held up high, her soft cheekbones seeming sharp from that angle. By the look on her face she seemed disappointed.

"Fine, Lily," she mumbled, her voice sharp with unhappiness.

Too many "sharp"s. I mean, I like the first two, but the third is too much. Also, when you say "pail" I think you mean "pale."

Lily felt the warmth of the sun touching her fingertips every time the sun came out from behind the thick trees. She smiled.

Again too repetitive. Try changing the sentence alittle.

Lily leaned on the trunk, the smell of mold reaching her nostrils. Small caterpillars crawled on her palm curiously and she caressed them gently with a loving hand. "But we love you even though you're not a shadow creature." Her face was grave and her voice serious and solemn.

I'm alittle confused here. Isn't Lily talking to the vampire (forgot her name) and wouldn't vampires be "shadow creatures".

"We – we better go before we'll be late for school."

I'll make this one easy for you. "We'll" should be "we're" or it dosen't sound right. At least to me.

One gaze did not drop though. She felt the red eyes bore into her back for a solid hour before turning around to glare at boy.

Anouther easy one. There should be a "the" or "a" before "boy."


That should be it. Those were really minor problems so you shouldn't fell bad about them. Other than those, your story was great There is only one word for it...

ASOMENESS

-Jaime0102

fairly good

Maybe it was a long time since she last felt the sun. That thought in her mind, Lily tried to absorb as much of it as possible.

this sentence should be changed a wee bit
mabye it was does sound right tyr putting in a comma or something

Hi, ofir, here's your review as requested.

The realm

All right, you've got a wee bit of a problem from the get-go. The title should actually be written "The Realm", with the second word capitalized. It looks more professional that way.

"This is not a good idea," stated a slightly hidden, female, human like figure.

"Stated"...meh, doesn't work for me. You'd be better if using just plain old "said".

The "slightly" hidden would be better placed at the end of the sentence, and you'd do well to mention that she is hidden in the trees earlier--you'll create a concrete sense of place from the first sentence.

"human like figure" has a mechanical feel to it. Just say "female figure", or better yet "woman/girl" (whichever one she is). We'll automatically assume it's human-like.

As she moved out of the cover of the trees, one could tell she was rather short.

The usage of "one" is bothersome...it feels too formal for fiction prose. But I can't think of a better way to rephrase this.

Her creamy skin seemed gentle and thin

How does skin seem gentle and thin?

This word "seem" is unnecessary baggage. Just say "is" (or better yet, a stronger verb) and your prose will be much stronger.

and her eyes shown a bright green

Like this--you use the verb "shone" instead of boring old "seem" or "is". Well, it's misspelled, but the idea is there.

her wavy hair a stunning color of amber, framing her face tenderly.

This should be its own sentence, as it makes the first sentence drag unnecessarily.

"Tenderly framing her face" would be a more natural phrasing, but try finding a way of getting rid of the adverb altogether.

The smile that usually embraced her face faded with discontent. She wrinkled her nose as if something rotten had hit her overly sensitive nostrils.

Two rather awkward verb usages ruin these sentences for me--"embraced" and "hit". I don't tend to think of smiles as embracing faces, as that implies encircling, nor do I think of scents as "hitting" noses; it's too sudden an image for scent. Hunt for the exact verb to describe what you want, not picking ones that sound nice. You have to consider the mental images your word usages will give your readers.

She would have looked human, her walk, the way her voice sounded, even the way she looked: it all looked and sounded human.

Holy repetition, Batman!

All these "looked"s are making the sentence almost comical. Actually, I'd say delete the sentence entirely because you've already impressed into the reader that she indeed does look human by virtue of your description alone.

Except for one thing. A pair of long gentle elfen ears that crowned each side of her head.

Would read better as one sentence: "Except for the long elfen ears...". The "gentle" is unnecessary since I can't picture ears as being "gentle".

Another figure walked next to her, silenced by the words her companion just said.

Uh-oh, it's been so long that I've forgotten what the girl actually said. Perhaps move her words from the very first line (I don't much like beginning stories with dialogue anyway) to this scene. And maybe find a way to cut down on all that description because I honestly don't think it's necessary.

She was tall, big black long curls sliding all the way down from the top of her head to her back, twisting themselves around her neckline, sliding slowly with every step she took and into her eyes.

Ironically, because you crammed so many adjectives into this sentence, I can't even picture what you're trying to describe.

"She was tall with long curly black hair" would work just as well.

Her icy blue eyes seemed startlingly right with her pail skin and dark hair.

"Startingly right"? It feels like there's a word missing here.

"Pale", not "pail".

her soft cheekbones seeming sharp from that angle.

You're contradicting yourself here: how can her cheekbones be both soft and sharp? Actually, I can't picture "soft" cheekbones at all, just like I can't picture "gentle" ears. Once again--don't throw around adjectives willy nilly, search for the exact rightone to use.

By the look on her face she seemed disappointed.
"Fine, Lily," she mumbled, her voice sharp with unhappiness.

Once again, you're going overboard with description. Both these sentences are saying the same thing--the girl is disappointed.

You're also telling us that the girl is disappointed, instead of showing it in her mannersim and gestures. Let her speak for herself, instead of you having to interpret her feelings for us.

Lily let out a long sigh, a serious and considerate look taking over her face.

Overuse of adjectives means I can't see exactly how a look can be both serious and considerate. More effective would be if she pursed her lips for thought or her brown furrowed or she wound her fingers together or anything to indicate seriousness and contemplation.

The two girls walked silently for a few moments, down the long dirt road, passing patches of sunlight that were unblocked by the trees around them.

Too many commas here; the rest one is unnecessary. And the "for the few moments" can be excised as well.

She peeked at the short figure beside her, amber hair pulled back in a tidy ponytail.

\

The way this sentence is worded implies that it's Nell with the amber hair, when I think you mean Lily.

Its trunk was covered with damp, green mold.

No need for the comma.

A patch of sunlight suddenly stroked where they stood, sliding to the ground from behind the trees. Nell swore silently, retrieving to the shadows. Lily, in contrast, spread her arms wide. a happy smile crossed her face with the relief of the sun; it made her feel much better. Then again, she was an elf, no helping that. Sun and nature were in her blood.

I think you mean "returning" instead of "retrieving", and the "no helping that" you don't need. There are also too many adjectives, but I'll let you find them since it's pointless to continue pointing them out.

I do like how this paragraph shows the difference between the two girls, though--how Nell slinks to the shadows but Lily happily parades in the sun.

Ten centuries of elfin that lived in natural world made it possible for elves to recharge themselves with the sun light. whenever an elf basked in the sun it was being recharged, the magic powers inside it renewing themselves – an elf needs to do this ritual once every blue moon, the one that rises in Amberea every twelve human weeks.

Meh, clunky info-dump exposition. Not necessary--just show us Lily enjoying herself in the sun and feeling rejuvenated, without expressly stating that she needs to recharge in it. Let the reader infer it for themselves.

Nell spitted out

I think you mean "spat" out.

from the side of the tree where the shadows hid her from the sun.

The "from the sun" part is unnecessary because you've already made it clear that there's a sun out.

A third figure had appeared from within the tree, as if submerging from inside it.

You mean "emerging", not "submering".

"You're late, Damon," Lily cut through Nell's open mouth without hesitation.

I know you're trying for imagery here, but it's a very weird image that makes me think of Lily taking a knife to Nell's mouth. Which isn't what you're intending, but just to make things more clear, say "Lily spoke before Nell could". Many times it's better to be clear and unadorned than trying for cleverness.

Damon smiled. "As always," he said, his voice cheerful.

The fact that he's smiling should already suggest that his voice is cheerful.

His nut brown eyes shown thoughtfully, his maple skin that seemed apart of the tree finally clearing in the last rays of sun.

You've already used the "shone" imagery--it's starting to become repetitive here. And I really don't understand at all what you're trying to convey with the second clause.

"Sun!" he called excitedly at the sight of the sun patch, hurrying to stand beside Lily, a smile of delight on his lips.

You're overmphasizing his delight again.

Nell swore again. "What is it with you sun creatures?" she asked, annoyed, her black eyebrows pulled down together angrily.

And you're overemphasizing her annoyance.

With her scowl, the uniform made her seem even more deadly and elegant than usual.

I can sort of picture what you're trying to say, but it's rather awkwardly worded.

However, an alarmed note slipped into her tone, her eyes bright and edgy.

Same goes here.

Oh, when will they get there already?

Tense change here; it should be "would".

Light and dark had their differences after all, even if the great feud was over.

I like this--it's a nice, subtle worrldbuilding detail that hints at something greater without infodumping.

Damon continued arguing as tables and chairs submerged from the floor, knocking people out of their way gently.

"Emerged" again, and also, I don't see how anything can knock anyone "gently". Maybe "pushed" or "nudged". No need for an adverb.

her arctic blue eyes

Enough! I already know what color Lily's eyes are, no need to constantly hammer that point in the reader's skull.

Her long, green coat felt hot and uncomfortable in the well conditioned classroom.

No need for the comma.

She took it off, showing the school uniform, with the odious crest she came to hate.

Why? It seems weird that Lily would hate her school uniform crest with no reason, especially since she hasn't been shown as the type to feel extreme anger before. You need to qualify this hate otherwise it comes out of the left field.

. Because Damon and Lily were best friends, forever.

This is rather cheesy and tell-y to boot. Show us Damon and Lily's BFF-ness instead of telling it to us; it'll be more believable and realistic.

Her hair was blue, held back by a strict bundle at the back of her neck.

You've already hammered in the point that the teacher is strict from the previous sentences. The repetition here feels comical.

Lily heard Damon groan quietly, and wished she could do the same. Nevertheless, she stood her ground, ignoring the giggles and stares she knew were on her.
I will not give up, she told herself firmly.

Now here's a section where more exposition/description would help things more than hinder. I don't understand why Lily is dreading this, or why her classmates are giggling. I get the feeling that it's because she's not good at practicing her powers, but you need to make it more explicity clear otherwise you're just confusing your reader.

The real world was where the magical society had come from, needing to survive each race had made their own unique power, but even that wasn't enough. They had to leave: the natural world was running out of recourses. They had to escape. And so they left, moving to this dimension, blocking the real world forever, so that nobody would ever have to go back to that horrible place.

I don't quite understand this explanation. Now, this bit of exposition is necessary, but it brings up more questions than it answers: where did these powers come from? How did they move to the magical dimension? Is there still a real world? Is it our real world?

And why would the teacher bring this up if the students all know this already? It seems rather contrived.

A shy looking girl with a pink uniform walked to the front of the class

Why would her uniform be pink? Do the students get to customize their uniforms, or does the color mean something (like, what type of magic they practice?)

A few giggles were heard from the girls in the classroom, but otherwise everything was dead quiet.

Why would they giggle? Are they making fun of him or the teacher?

Some of the old ones still hadn't gotten over the great feud.

Which "old ones" are you referring to here--Nell or Abel?

No matter what the old ones say, they were still best friends.

"Said", not "say".

Nell shot her one murderous glance, still annoyed, her lips curved in a hazardous way.

Not liking this usage of "hazardous", as that makes me think of toxic waste or construction sites, not anger and annoyance.

Gasps were heard from the class. Lily knew why they were gasping. They were scared. Scared of her. Her, the one magical creature that didn't have a defense system inside it. The one creature that did not simply vanish, or shape shift, or heal. The one that aimed to kill. Luckily, the arrows she pulled out of thin air missed their aim by one foot from the teacher's head.

I'm still not quite sure what Lily's powers are--does she not have any limits on it and that's what scares the others? This mention of a "defense system" has intrigued me as well.

Overall thoughts:

I'm going to do what I usually don't do, and divide this into sections, simply because I feel it's necessary.

Description: This was my biggest problem with this piece. You have oodles of description when you don't need it, especially of the characters. Now, I'm not advocating Hemingway-esque minimalism (ick...), but I am saying that you need to make your prose more economical and less cluttered with needless adjectives and adverbs. In particular, your tendency to repeat descriptions of characters (Nell's hair and eye colors, the teacher's strictness) became rather cumbersome after a while. Lay down a solid and brief description of the character when they first appear (you do a good job with the students who're displaying their powers), and then sneak in added details throughout the prose, but don't go reiterating the same point to death. The description was often laid on so thick that it detracted from the action--for example, in the first scene, I had no earthly idea what was happening because it was stuffed with so much description. It was just an ordinary converstaion between friends, I felt, with a vague mention of a prank, but none of it really clicked because I was too busy slogging through all the adjectives and adverbs. The funny thing is that while I could picture all the characters, I couldn't see their settings at all. So balance it out--ease on your descriptions of the characters and paint a more solid picture of the setting. What does the classroom look like, that sort of thing.

Showing instead of telling: This goes hand in hand with the description mentioned above. Much of that description felt like fluff because it was telling instead of showing. You laid on adjective after adjective, but gave me nothing solid to really cling on to. Don't use so many adjectives and adverbs and tell us what the characters look like or how they interact. Show them interacting. Anger is better conveyed with a furrowed brow and scowl than a "he was angry"; friendship is better conveyed with friends laughing and trading jokes and noticing each others' quirks than saying "they were BFF".

Prose issues: By and large your prose was fine, but I noticed some incidents of misused words ("shown" instead of "shone", all that "submerging"--made me think the characters were on a submarine!), and you have a preponderance of commas. I abuse commas too, so I sympathize with the urge to sprinkle the little devils everywhere, but honestly a good fifty percent of your commas are unnecessary. I pointed out a few of them--you should be able to find the rest yourself.

Characters: You asked how well I "get" the characters. Umm...not very, unfortunately. I have basic ideas behind their personalities, but nothing that really sticks. Lily is the happy girl, Nell is the brooding girl, Damon is...um...a boy. Now, I understand this is only a first chapter, so we're not going to know everything about the characters from the beginning, but still, I'd like something a little more solid. Lily appears to be the main character, so I'd suggest centering the story more strongly about her. Tell it from her third person limited POV, and have her color her experiences with her own feelings and reactions. It'll give us a stronger feel for who she is, and through her we can get a stronger feel of her friends and the other characters as well. Actually, a lot of the reason I didn't feel much for the characters was because there was too much description. Slice away the fat and you'll find you'll have more room to let muscle grow.

You might find the "Character Development" group a lot of help for giving your characters voices and presences of their own, and the Character Answer Game is also a great help in that department.

Plot: Since this is the beginning, there isn't much in the way of plot yet. I will admit to being confused about some worldbuilding details, especially when it came to the explanation why the magic characters were in this separate realm in the first place. I didn't even realize it was a separate realm until that explanation, in part because it feels so much like our own. There needs to be something, besides just magic practicing characters, to distinguish it and give it a life of its own. In fantasy, the setting is very often a character in its own right. I do like the hints of a feud in the past and I get the feeling it will play a plot role--something that appeals to me because I love stories about reconciling old differences. If done very cleverly, you could even have an allegory for situations such as real-world civil wars. Lily's abilities seem to be connected to the plot as well, which is a bit of a shame since I don't quite understand them yet. There needs to be more tension and clarity in the scene where she displays them.

Now, I know it sounds like I hated this, but actually, it appeals to me quite a bit. ^^ I'm a sucker for stories about magical schools, though you do have to beware the "Harry Potter copycat" trap. And beware about making your magical characters cliches of the common stereotypes, though if they're unique enough in their own right, that shouldn't matter. I do like how different and individual each magic user comes across. Their abilities are all unique to them which I find a pretty cool twist, especially since most fantasy magic systems are so generalized. Their magic is as much a part of their personality as anything else, which is cool because I'm also a sucker for personality-based magic. The magic also has the potential to factor into typical high school cliques, with some abilities being considered cooler than others and others being considered scary (such as Lily's...so this is the first time she's revealed her abilities to her classmate?). I'm also very intrigued by this character of Abel Abbot; he seems important in the greater plot and has an undue interest in Lily's powers. Do I foresee a romantic plot?

I'll go on to the other parts as soon as I get time. PM me if you have any questions, and the best of luck in your endeavors. ^^