Ferocious Beast: Female Soccer Player

I know it is short but I would like some help on it. I would like to focus on the ending...I know that it is really weak but I can't figure out a way to spice it up. Please tell me if at all I am being repetitive any where in here. If you have any suggestions for ideas to put into it feel free to PM me. And I couldn't find a place for one piece...Grudges...I need to find a place to talk about how female soccer players are not just mean...but mean because they hold grudges.

There is only one true beast left on earth; a beast so powerful, a beast so strong, a beast so savage and cruel it is feared by all. It moves with the grace and fluidity that every human craves. It paces its box. It lives for the time when it can tackle the opposing force standing before it. And when it does, it fights with everything it has. Let me introduce you to the species: female soccer player.

A female soccer player, the fierce being she is, thrives on the despair of the opponent. But she lives in the moment of the play. Her bite is worse than her bark, her warm-up chant, her mean face. Her snarls resonate through her team mates to grow to unfathomable sizes.

I have witnessed the bloodthirsty play of the game. I have asked refs; their response is against the women, they are crueler then men. As the whistle blows all hell breaks loose: French manicured nails rip skin from muscle, blood spills across the field, resembling a gladiator arena. They fight to the death of time. Hideous sounds of snapping reverberate through the field more often than not. Teeth peek from behind full, glossy lips; and sweaty bodies regroup to form new strategic moves to demolish the opposing team.

Their sculpted figures move with ferocity. They storm down the field, turning at angles that defy gravity and running at speeds that construct sonic booms. Their strength blows people to their knees. Their endurance can last longer than ever thought possible. Their power makes kings feel insignificant. And on the sidelines all the boys drool, groveling to get to know these enticing females just a little better.

But still, when off the field they are angelic, graceful beings. As hair hits shoulder a wondrous transformation takes place. They transition from beast to beauty in a matter of seconds. There is no hint of the untamed wolfish beast within. Skirts float around their shapely legs and delicate make-up adds to their flawless façade. They walk with respect resting upon their shoulders, respect for themselves and what they stand for.

Female soccer players are the most vicious beings on the planet with their grace and ferocity. Their snarls of vengeance pouring from their perfect lips send shivers through spines. They await the time to play and take down any who oppose. No questions asked they beat any opponent.

Thanks so much for reading and critiquing!!!

Hey......nice new idea there.Its quite different and really intriguing.

At first its kind of hard to believe that female players display more aggression and ruthlessness on the field than men because of the assumed image we all have of men being more aggressive.

Here is what might help you with this piece:

Her snarls resonate through her team mates to grow to unfathomable sizes.

You really do not need this sentence.It just sounds full of unnecessary words.



They walk with respect resting upon their shoulders, respect for themselves and what they stand for.

The word respect sounds a little repetitive.Try "proud of themselves and what they stand for" after the word shoulders.


You have got the element of cunning in the female soccer player perfectly.I liked these lines in particular:

But still, when off the field they are angelic, graceful beings. As hair hits shoulder a wondrous transformation takes place. They transition from beast to beauty in a matter of seconds.


Keep such humorous work coming.

Heya I am going to review your work today.

There is only one true beast left on earth; a beast so powerful, a beast so strong, a beast so savage and cruel it is feared by all.

Well, I really liked this line, it is a perfect opening, it is leaving us in suspense, and the answer is something totally unexpected. But overall the first paragraph is very strong, using words that are asociated with both so far so good.

In the second paragraph, there is a lot of repetition of the word her. It kind of drags it on a little, putting down the tricky cleaver words that you have built up.


I have witnessed the bloodthirsty play of the game

I am not quite sure whether bloodthirsty is quite the right word, it sounds more vampireish than scary, if you get what I mean


crueler then men

compared to your language use so far, crueler is a pretty weak word, and it sounds a little odd.

and sweaty bodies regroup to form new strategic moves to demolish the opposing team

I am not sure if I have understood this correctly, but I do know football and once the whistle has blown the team wouldn't regroup unless play had been stoped so that bit doesn't really make sense

Their power makes kings feel insignificant

the comparison is strong and interesting and you should put the grudges bit between the last two paragraphs.

But still, when off the field they are angelic, graceful beings

I am not sure whether you have rushed into this angelic thing a little to early, maybe slowely building up, maybe by saying how they walk out the stadium, and the transformation between the stadium and the outdoors

But other than that it is very good, and the ending is not weak at all, but it isn't really a story but an ideea and description but it is good