Heaven Soaked Harmony

I never know how to judge my own poetry, and this is no change. So please review, even just to tell me what you think. Oh, and please tear it apart, it's the only way I'll learn how to write better poetry.
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Heaven Soaked Harmony

Lane after lane,
of the same blue tent;
positioned securely,
tied to the ground.
The thick blue air bed,
Fills each waterproof head.
The same white guide wires,
Tie it to earth.
Attempting protection,
From each secure birth.

Thundering rain,
Pours aggressively down;
Twisting and turning,
Towards sodden ground.
For tents poorly constructed,
It tears through their sheets-
Umbrellas useless,
Against the vicious winds beat.

A guitars haunting notes,
Bring people to feet.
Beside thunder and lightening,
Soaked heaven drops,
A band continues their set,
Lights flashing out heat.

Through tiredness and wetness,
Through ironic storm,
The sun blares beside clouds,
In the shape of a voice.
Soothing and upbeat,
It resonates above;
Drawing the crowds,
To the vocalists thump.

Cider in one hand,
Tapping their wrists.
Feet shuffle forwards,
To downtrodden crush.

Music always wins,
When it comes to the weather.
No one can worry,
In piano chord harmony.


Thank you for reading, please review!

thats one loong poem

Hi Maddy, just giving u a quick review.

i really like this poem, could do with a little improvement but its excellent, I can really tell what your writing about.

Lane after lane,
of the same blue tent;
positioned securely,
tied to the ground.
The thick blue air bed,
Fills each waterproof head.
The same white guide wires,
Tie it to earth.
Attempting protection,
From each secure birth.

Ok, nice first stanza, It paints a nice picture in your head but I feel it's a little too simplistic. All your other stanza's use a lot of imagery but this is a little too blatant for me. Also I had a bit of a problem with this line:

"From each secure birth" too abstract for me, I think your more trying to make it rhyme rather than really thinking what works. White guide wires seeking protection from a birth? Is that supposed to be some kind of weather?

Thundering rain,
Pours aggressively down;
Twisting and turning,
Towards sodden ground.
For tents poorly constructed,
It tears through their sheets-
Umbrellas useless,
Against the vicious winds beat.

Great, no problems here.If you see what I mean about the lack of imagery in the last stanza compared to the rest of the poem, you just need to be a bit consistent.

A guitars haunting notes,
Bring people to feet.
Beside thunder and lightening,
Soaked heaven drops,
A band continues their set,
Lights flashing out heat.

No sure if "haunting is quite the right word but I LOVE that line "Soaked heaven drops", fantastic!

Through tiredness and wetness,
Through ironic storm,
The sun blares beside clouds,
In the shape of a voice.
Soothing and upbeat,
It resonates above;
Drawing the crowds,
To the vocalists thump.

Ironic storms? It is england, not that ironic! Everything else is perfect.

Music always wins,
When it comes to the weather.
No one can worry,
In piano chord harmony.

Hmm.... not to sure about this last stanza. You have such an amazing poem with a lot of build up, I feel the end should be something special, this just doesn't quite do it for me. I mean you go from "To the vocalists thump" to "When it comes down to weather", a little bit of a let down right? Anyway just my opinon.

I loved this poem, it was your best yet but it needs work.

izzy

xx

Lane after lane,
of the same blue tent;
positioned securely,
tied to the ground.
The thick blue air bed,
Fills each waterproof head.
The same white guide wires,
Tie it to earth.
Attempting protection,
From each secure birth.

So the underlined phrases are pieces I didn’t quite understand. I just can’t imagine lanes in one blue tent. I don’t know if you need a comma after bed. Also, is the repetition of blue necessary? Also, you leave some first words of the lines in lowercase, but switch to uppercase. I think that might have been Microsoft Word auto-editing it (assuming you use Word), but you want to keep the capitalization reserved for certain areas. Also, I’m not sure what ‘secure birth’ means. It sort of feels like it was put there simply to rhyme with ‘earth’.

Thundering rain,
Pours aggressively down;
Twisting and turning,
Towards sodden ground.
For tents poorly constructed,
It tears through their sheets-
Umbrellas useless,
Against the vicious winds beat.

Could you use another word besides ‘aggressively’? I’m not sure it works here. The final line here confuses me. Does the wind beat on the umbrellas or the tents? I think it’d be best if you cut out the commas following ‘turning’ and ‘useless’.

A [s]guitars[/s]guitar’s haunting notes,
Bring people to feet.
Beside thunder and [s]lightening[/s]lightning,
Soaked heaven drops,
A band continues their set,
Lights flashing out heat.

The rhyme scheme throughout this poem puzzles me. In the first stanza, there’s ABCDEEFGHG. In the second one is ABCBDEFE. Here you don’t really have a scheme at all. So, is some of the rhyming intentional? If so, try and keep a more consistent scheme. If not, you might want to rewrite it so the reader fully understands that. I really like the ‘soaked heaven drops’, it’s really pretty. But if people are getting to their feet, are they all inside or outside the tent? I’m not sure if a comma is the correct punctuation after ‘drops’.

Through tiredness and wetness,
Through ironic storm,
The sun blares beside clouds,
In the shape of a voice.
Soothing and upbeat,
It resonates above;
Drawing the crowds,
To the vocalists thump.

I don’t like ‘tiredness’ or ‘wetness’, mostly because ‘-ness’ words aren’t as strong as others that could be used. What exactly is meant by ironic storm? I have no idea what that means. It might just be me though, so wait for further feedback on that from someone else. Take out the commas after ‘clouds’ and ‘crowds’.

Cider in one hand,
Tapping their wrists.
Feet shuffle forwards,
To downtrodden crush.

Well, if the other hand isn’t going to mentioned, simply write ‘Cider in hand’. It’s weird to say ‘one hand’ and skip the other. Are they…tapping their wrists with the cider? That line confuses me. Omit the comma after ‘forwards’.

Music always wins,
When it comes to the weather.
No one can worry,
In piano chord harmony.

As Zaddie mentioned, the last stanza should be very special. While the rest of the poem shows rather than tells (if a bit too abstractly at points), this feels a little telling. I’d like to see more here. But the line ‘piano chord harmony’ is quite gorgeous.

So really, just save the capitalization for key words. You definitely don’t need to capitalize the beginning of every line. I do like the idea, but some of it is too vague for my taste. Does this take place at a concert venue under a massive tent or something? Or is it a personal moment between musical friends out camping? For some reason, those two images stick out the most. If you could just clarify and work a little on rhyme scheme, this poem is wonderful. I love that music can withstand any weather. It’s great.

Best of luck, I hope this review helped.

octo