Missing You

On Wednesday afternoon
At almost five to four
God did something awful
That should be against the law

He reached down from the heavens
And took something of mine
When everyone knows
That stealing's a crime

God made it one of his rules
He said not to steal
Yet he does what he likes
And doesn't care how we feel

If God knew how it hurt
To lose someone you love
Do you think he'd take pity on us
And send them down from above?

In my head I know
That death's a part of life
But I still can't help myself feeling
This heart wrenching strife

I want my friend back
I'm sick of this pain
But when my time comes
I know I'll see him again

Would love to hear feedback as I am submitting this as part of a school project next week. I'd like to improve it if I can before I hand it over

Hey, Maya! I remember greeting you in the Welcome thread, eh?

Okay, so what I'm going to do is focus on the rhythm and rhyming of this poem, rather than the imagery, because it's really difficult to create breathtaking scenery in a rhyming poem like this.

On Wednesday afternoon

At almost five to four

God did something awful

That should be against the law

I like the intriguing way you start off – it makes me want to read more. The God thing comes a bit out of the blue, but it's sort of clever how you've built it like God is just like any other creature who sometimes does the wrong thing. The contradiction is great, too, because God is usually considered not only almighty, but also good, so claiming he's done something bad makes it a lot more interesting. It's a good way to bring up one's way of looking at things.

However, the last line has one syllable too much and therefore it breaks the rhythm. If you can't make it rhyme without having it too long, I suggest you change the time from "five to four" to something else that rhymes with whatever you come up with for the last line.

He reached down from the heavens

And took something of mine

When everyone knows

That stealing's a crime

I was debating with myself whether you should have "everybody" instead of "everyone", but the more I read the part with the "everyone" in it, the better it started to flow. Overall, I like this stanza – the delicious contrast of the previous stanza is still present.

God made it one of his rules

He said not to steal

Yet he does what he likes

And doesn't care how we feel

This stanza was more in the awkward side. The first line is too long regarding the rhythm, and it's also difficult to read. The rest of the stanza is fine, but the first line just affects so much to it, it basically ruins it all. So what I think you could try for this stanza is:

When God made his rules
He said not to steal
Yet he does what he wants
And doesn't care how we feel

I changed the "likes" to "wants" just because I believe it's stronger and fits better in the "God is the antagonist" mood the poem creates. The last line is actually a bit too lengthy, too. I don't know how you could make it flowier, but I hope you come up with a solution that satisfies both readers and yourself.

If God knew how it hurt

To lose someone you love

Do you think he'd take pity on us

And send them down from above?

Awkward again. What you have on the last two lines... well, I can't imagine someone actually saying that, not to mention it kills the rhythm again. Both lines need at least three syllables less altogether, otherwise it's way too mushy.

In my head I know

That death's a part of life

But I still can't help myself feeling

This heart wrenching strife

The first line is now actually too short, and the third line too long. I really like that "death's a part of life" thing, by the way, but are you sure "strife" is the right word for this situation? It sounds a bit odd.

Considering the rhythm, I have a suggestion for rewriting:

In my head I know
That death is life
But I can't stop feeling
This heart wrenching strife

It's a little lame, I admit, but it flows better and has a clearer rhythm. Keep it in mind when editing, at least

I want my friend back

I'm sick of this pain

But when my time comes

I know I'll see him again

All good until the last line, which is again too long. I'm sure you've noticed everything I've said so far, if you have read the poem out loud. If you haven't, do so now, and especially when you edit and before you submit it again. With poetry, you need to have your mouth and your voice along. Because no matter how good something might look on paper, you can really tell whether it's good only after you or someone else has read it out loud. This is something I always get too enthusiastic about when reviewing, and the poor authors won't usually get away from me without hearing at least a few words about the importance of using your voice in poetry.


Now one more major thing about this poem. It doesn't have any punctuation whatsoever, and I don't think it's an intentional effect, either. To help you, I've found something for you. It's an article about punctuation in poetry about Suzanne, and based on the thoughts I've got from it, it's very helpful and informative. You should check it out:

viewarticlebody.php?t=18791


Of the poem overall, I don't have much more to say. The rhymes worked fine and your grammar is very good. I hope I could be helpful to you, and please PM me if you have something to ask or if you feel like you didn't understand something I said. To be honest, I wouldn't be so surprised, since I tend to ramble a lot. =)

See you around!


Demeter
xxx

Hi Maya!1 I thought this poem was so sweet.

On Wednesday afternoon
At almost five to four
God did something awful
That should be against the law

• Your rhyme scheme here really messes up the rest of the poem as the rest of the stanzas follow the abcb format. I would suggest definitely changing it so it fits with the rest of the poem. Otherwise, I think that this stanza introduces the poem's topic well.

He reached down from the heavens
And took something of mine
When everyone knows
That stealing's a crime

• I think that you should turn the contraption "stealing's" into "stealing is" because it makes the line fit better into the rest of the stanza's iambic pentameter. (The long syllable followed by a shorter syllable in a rhythm pattern.)

In my head I know
That death's a part of life
But I still can't help myself feeling
This heart wrenching strife

• The last line contains a horribly forced rhyme. To keep it from sounding so blunt, you could add another syllable to the last line.


---

This poem will definitely touch the hearts of the judges in the contest you're entering. The rhyme scheme is overall (minus the first stanza, I trust you'll fix it) is very consistent.

I like the stanza about how God made stealing a crime, but it seems to stress that too much after mentioning stealing being against the law in the stanza before. Try not to make the repetition of concepts too obvious.

Besides that, I think this poem is great. Good luck!

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

The poem has a sort of upbeat feel to it, maybe because of the rhyming pattern and the rhythm it has, or the "should be against the law" I don't know, that seems as though it is leading into a jokey poem to me, however as it continues it feels more serious, you bring the mood back to being sombre later in the poem, which is good and well done. I like how you are questioning God, showing that he may have human feelings too, although I'm not a believer myself, I can still appreciate this.

I would consider changing “When everyone knows” to “when everybody knows” I feel this would help the line, and indeed stanza flow in terms of rhythm.

I definitely like this poem better towards the end, but it is a good read.

Thank you for the pleasure of reading this, it is an enjoyable and thought provoking poem.

~ Roon

Maya wrote:On Wednesday afternoon
At almost five to four
God did something awful
That should be against the law

[COLOR="red"]So far your imagery is rather lacking. On Wednesday afternoon? Who cares that it was Wednesday, if I called it Tuesday would that really make a difference? Try to set some kind of scene at least.
Also, you have too much sibilance in that last line, brush up on your Meter and Stress, they're two tools every poet should have an education in.[/COLOR]

He reached down from the heavens
And took something of mine
When everyone knows
That stealing's a crime

[COLOR="red"]Yeah, just as I thought, this rhyme scheme is far too amateur and forced to allow for a decent poem. You do know that poems don't have to rhyme, right? I always recommend that beginning poets start with Free Verse and work their way up to Rhyming. Rhyme Poetry is actually an advanced skill that you can't hope to possess a mastery in unless you've commanded Free Verse.[/COLOR]

God made it one of his rules
He said not to steal
Yet he does what he likes
And doesn't care how we feel

[COLOR="red"]Again, too much sibilance. The flow is really off-kilter in this piece, and I think that's your main flaw, besides a cliche idea. Read this poem as if you were seeing it for the first time, because I'm sure it sounds fine to your ears. Read each word carefully, aloud, don't add any emphasis, and see if it sounds clunky. I'm positive that you're cutting on the proper pronunciation in your head, and that it sounds just fine like that.[/COLOR]

If God knew how it hurt
To lose someone you love
Do you think he'd take pity on us
And send them down from above?

[COLOR="red"]From is clunky, takes away from the flow. Plus, this idea is pretty trite and cliche. A person blaming 'god' for the death of their loved ones.[/COLOR]

In my head I know
That death's a part of life
But I still can't help myself feeling
This heart wrenching strife

[COLOR="red"]Same as before. Your rhyme scheme is too forced, and the flow is way off. Plus, cliche idea.[/COLOR]

I want my friend back
I'm sick of this pain
But when my time comes
I know I'll see him again

[COLOR="red"]Did you try and rhyme pain and again? I realize that they work as proposed rhymes, but I figure you're going for a slant-rhyme look. It doesn't really work for this piece.[/COLOR]

Would love to hear feedback as I am submitting this as part of a school project next week. I'd like to improve it if I can before I hand it over

Okay, darling. I'm going to be honest, and please don't take this the wrong way:
For a school assignment, this is fine. You'll get an A because the teacher will see that you attempted poetry. However, that does not mean that this is a good poem. Let me break down the flaws:

Your idea/theme was cliche, and highly unoriginal. I've seen it before.

Your imagery/metaphor was non-existent. Seriously, I didn't see one image in that poem, and rarely can a poem be half-way decent without imagery.

Your Rhyme Scheme takes away from the poem, it forced you to conform to an overly strict and limited vocabulary. Plus, the rhyme scheme wasn't original.

Your Prosody broke the flow a lot. Considering most teachers don't profess the necessity of studying metrical footing or syllabic stressing, I'll link you to the wikipedia page that will help you learn all about it. Using these will at least show that you have some knowledge of poetry.
Here's the link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry#Prosody

Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your feedback.

It seems that I have a few rhythm issues and yes, some of the rhyming words are a bit forced.
I do know that poetry doesn't have to rhyme but I feel it makes it a bit more interesting. I guess I will just have to practice a little more.

And it has to start with Wednesday afternoon because I wrote this when I lost a pet and it happened on Wednesday afternoon at five to four. That is why it is so specific.

Thanks again and I will improve it before I hand it in