Rainbow Child

This is dedicated to a little girl who is dying in the hospital this very moment. (Even though she wont get the chance to hear it.)
~~~~~~~~~~

I had a glimpse of life today,
And now I am the one, the one.
To tell a mere child that --
She is now and forever done, done.

In time I fear that I'll be gone,
Without an appetite for anything more
Than release. -- Why on this day
Will everything decide to change?

I believe before this message comes,
I'll see her through the open door.
I'll wash my hands of a rainbow-ing
Dark cloud, too -- But don't get me wrong.

For this new child of mine is --
Just as pure in my eyes, hopefully
Yours too. For she died and came
Back and nothing will ever more ...

... Decide what life I can see
Or have. She is still my Rainbow --
In my heart, of course. Perhaps
I'll dream a dream that no one...

...No one else can see.

"For life is but a dream"
And we should go for a swim.
The water can be cold, but --
Make commotion to let it know :

You're a human too.

Hey, Jon. I saw this had no reviews so I wanted to give it a try.

I had a glimpse of life today,

And now I am the one, the one.

To tell a mere child that --

She is now and forever done, done.

So, I don't know if you've read this out loud (because you always should), but if and when you do, you must notice that the rhythm is way off in this stanza. The third and the fourth line are too short and long respectively regarding the stanza altogether, and I feel it neglects the reader in a way. I'm also not too sure about the repetition on the second and the fourth lines – it seems a bit debatable, and I don't really sense the motive behind it.

One more thing about this stanza: You say they had "a glimpse of life", but still the stanza gives the meaning that she is "done", which – to me – contradicts with the glimpse of life. It seems that the narrator saw life in the dying girl, which doesn't exactly make sense to me, if you know what I mean. So, for this stanza I'm suggesting that you fix the rhythm, and think about the wording – do you have any other ways to say something?

In time I fear that I'll be gone,

Without an appetite for anything more

Than release. -- Why on this day

Will everything decide to change?

When you had the rhyme and the dun-dun-dun rhythm (because of the repetition) in the previous stanza, the reader's brain is prepared to hear this one do it too, which it doesn't, and then it seems to be all over the place. Also, the line breaks and the capitalizations together make this stanza a little incoherent compared to the previous one. I'm suggesting you try to make the interval smoother and the stanzas connect more.

I actually noticed you had written an article about flow in poetry. I won't link you to it, because I don't want to seem too ironic (:P). I only skimmed it while I was trying to find an article to attach in this review, so I don't know how much it has to do with this poem, but maybe you'd like to reread every now and then, haha. You might remember something you had forgotten, and you might even have something to add in the article of yours!

I believe before this message comes,

I'll see her through the open door.

I'll wash my hands of a rainbow-ing

Dark cloud, too -- But don't get me wrong.

In the beginning there's something wrong with the word order. The correct way to say that would be "I believe I'll see her through the open door before the message comes", right? I also felt like you needn't to be so specific – why have "the open door" when you could have "an open door" and more room for different interpretations?

Then, in the last part, do you mean "I'll wash my hands of rainbow-ing" or "a rainbow-ing dark cloud"? By the way, I don't really like the hyphen – it makes the word seem forced and made up, which it kind of is, but you shouldn't emphasize it in poetry. So just take out the hyphen and we're cool.

I have a suggestion. I like the image of the rainbow and dark clouds, but I would love it if you rewrote it just a little, like this:

I'll wash my hands of rainbowing
dark clouds, too -- ...

My motive for this kind of change is that you can easily have two different interpretations when it's like this – with what you had before, it was more of one ready-made image for all the readers. Think about it. =)

For this new child of mine is --

Just as pure in my eyes, hopefully

Yours too. For she died and came

Back and nothing will ever more ...

Hmm, the punctuation and the capitalization seem both off in this. It's not obligatory to start a new line with an uppercase letter, especially in those places it doesn't seem right.

*

I don't really have anything sensible to say about the last stanzas, at least anything that hadn't been said already. The punctuation problem is there until the very end, and even though it doesn't kill anyone, I'd still suggest you go through to the poem and reconsider all the choices you have made. I thought the ending was rather beautiful, although I feel that either I missed the quintessential message about this poem or then it was lacking. Right now it seems like a pretty – although a little ranting – tribute to someone you love, more than a life-changing experience to people who don't know anything about the case. With that said, always make sure your poem works without the little author's note in the beginning, because you're not always able to have one, and besides, the reader is supposed to explore the poem themselves without the walking stick provided in the start.

Think about it, and good luck with editing. I'm sure you'll make the poem shine with a few fixes – and make sure to read it out loud before you submit!

Have a good day,


Demeter
xxx