Black Stone Inn (working title)

.... this is also the original copy and I was hoping for some critiquing on it. (its a long one and its very raw.....but any comments or suggestions are welcome)

Note: This draft was written when I was 14 and since then I have been working on revamping the whole thing. But I would like some advice on what I have right and what I've done wrong.
Thank you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Wait

The moon was sheltered by thick misty clouds, which threatened a thunderstorm. I was not sure whether there was a moon or not.
I wondered if camping out in the forest is a good idea considering the weather. “Todd, don’t you even think about chickening out on us.” It was as if he had read my thoughts. What I meant by he is Alex Spade, one of my good friends.
Alex is tall; he has blue eyes and a deep voice. We have known each other for as long as I can remember.
Moreover, what Alex meant by us is him and Mikey Maddox. Alex and I have known Mikey since the previous year. He is a lot younger then the both of us, his age is likely around 18 or 19. I could not tell. He doesn’t talk about himself much. However, he is a great friend. He is short for his age. He has brown eyes and brown hair. He is to a certain extent witty at times, on other times he can get foolish.

I guess Alex is right I cannot “chicken out” on them, because this trip has been set up for weeks now, so we had better get a move on if we want to miss the storm that is coming in.
“Hey you two if you really want to go then we must get on the road before the storm hits.” I hollered from across the back yard of my parents pace.
I started up my dodge truck, revving the engine hoping I would get my message across.
“Ok, ok we’re trying to pack everything up as fast as we can.” I heard Mikey grumble through my rolled down window.
I honked the horn as if was a final warning bell for preschoolers. Then out of nowhere, Alex steps beside my door and says, “Ok dude we’re all set.”
I almost jumped out of my skin I was so surprised.
“Alex you’ve got to stop sneaking up on me like that! Damn it you’re going to put me in the hospital one of these days.” I realized that I was starting to sound like my mother.
“Well if we’re all set then you guys can get in and we’ll be off in no time.” I said with anticipation.
"Sure as soon as Mikey gets back from taking a piss then we’ll be on the road ASAP.” Alex said flatly.
“Whatever. As long as he hurries is ass up?” I grunted unhappily.
“Look, he’s coming ok, so stop bitching and complaining!” Alex said frustrated with my antsy-ness.


**********

One The Road


The rainstorm had hit us just as we were heading toward highway 6; the wind was picking up the miles. To me it looked like the wind was gusting past twenty miles per hour.
Raindrops were pelting the window shield so hard I thought it was hail.
It was getting tough to see the road in front of me. Then out of nowhere, Alex yells out “WATCH OUT! SOMETHINGS IN FRONT OF US” I turn the steering wheel as hard as I could to avoid whatever it was in front of us. The rain made it hard for any of us to what it was. I ended up turning the truck on a gravel road, oh my mistake a private gravel road.
The weather was not helping me in driving the truck, the pot holes in the road made us bop up and down in our seats. I had terrible site of the road in front of me. In addition, I had no friggen clue where I was going.
The last turn I had made took us off Highway 42, hence me being lost.
I was hoping the weather would calm down, well no luck there the rain immediately came down on the windshield harder. Shit! I said it with such frustration that had made Alex and Mikey jump.
I was trying to avoid a large pothole, when I lost control of the steering wheel. We were heading straight towards a huge tree trunk; Alex and Mikey were saying “Grab the fucking steering wheel” coordinated.
“I’m trying the best I fucking can.”
I guess I did not try the best I could because we hit the truck with a horrible crunching sound. The air bags made a popping noise that sounded close to a gunshot. My head hit the driver’s air bag with a thwack.
Alex had hit the passenger’s air bag with a sick thud. I thought he might have cracked his neck in the process. Mikey and his dog Kita had bounced forward in their seats. Kita was whining in the back seat, she might have hurt herself, or she might be whining for the fact that Mikey could be hurt.
I when I opened my door the hinges screeched in metallic pain. I stepped down out of my totalled truck.
I walked over to the passenger’s side and opened the door. Alex looked over to me, he held out his hand to signify that he wanted help out of the smoking vehicle. So I put my arm around his shoulder and pulled him out of my truck.
Kita was whining a lot louder, I folded back Alex’s seat and checked on Mikey. He looked fine to me; he stood slightly up and climbed out of my truck. Then I walked back over to my side and pushed back my seat, I found out why Kita was whining her left hind paw was in an awkward position. I pick her up carefully making sure I did not touch her left hind leg. Mikey came trotting up to me “What happened to her?” He demanded to know.
“I think she tried to station herself before the accident and she twisted her paw in the process.” Mikey was really upset. We all were, this trip was not turning out the way we had planned it.
We were all sopping wet, hurt, and Mikey’s nice dog was badly hurt and the only transportation was a car wreck. We had enough food for two weeks, clothes and cooking materials. Where were we to stay?
All I wanted was to get out of this downpour as soon as possible.
Alex came up to Mikey and I and said as he pointed in front of us “Look over there! I see a building in the near distance. I think we should check it out. It could be a place for us to stay until the storm passes over?”
Mikey and I both looked in the direction Alex was pointing to,
Sure enough, there was a blurry thing that looked like a building.
I guess we all hit that point where we really did not care where we went as long as we got out of the storm immediately as possible.
I shrugged, then looked over at Mikey he did not care he wanted to look after Kita and her hurt paw.
“Fine, but Alex you and I are going to have to carry as much as we possibly can, as you can see Mikey has his arms full.”
Alex nodded in agreement.
I turned my attention to Mikey, “Hey why don’t you head up to the building and we’ll catch up.”
Mikey barely let me finish talk before he took off towards the building, carrying Kita in his arms.
“Todd, I’m sorry about how things are turning out!”
“No problem, it wasn’t like we would have known this was going to happen.”
“Yeah I guess you’re right. Anyways I think we have enough for now. Well come back for the rest as soon as we drop this stuff off.”
Alex stated as he headed towards the building. I followed him.
There was no sound but the static of the down pouring rain. It was coming down so hard I could barely hear myself think let alone speak.
We were about ten feet away when I say Mikey standing in front of the door way, he was staring up at the enormous building that we were about to enter. The structure and the brickwork of the building looked like it was built in the eighteen-twenties. The concrete steps leading up to the massive building, had cracks in them that had weeds growing in every nook and cranny. I had never seen this building before, but all I was thinking about was getting our stuff inside and getting the rest from my ruined truck before the storm hit full swing.
“Just open the friggen door will yeah. This stuff on my back and in my arms isn’t light you know.” I snapped.
As if on command, Alex opened the front door. I was relieved; my arms were getting sore. “What is this place?” Mikey asked.
“I do not know, but to me it looks like some type of housing.” Alex answered Mikey’s question. “Ha! You call this housing. I feel sorry for the people who had to live here for more than two weeks.” I was amused at Alex’s statement.



The three of us guys, decided to find ourselves a room to live in for the next two weeks. We have to stay here for tow weeks for the fact that our families knew that we were taking a camping trip and they have no idea that we were trapped in this empty, stale, dusty place. I have no idea where we are; sure, we are in a vacant old place that was some type of housing at one point. I hate this trip with every second that passes by. I found my room, medium sized space up a squeaky staircase, I really hadn’t looked at it fully I just wanted to place my stuff in there and find out where Alex and Mikey were staying. I’ll look at it later when I have more time to myself. I saw Mikey coming out of his room down the hallway. “You find a room you like?” I asked half shouting.
“Yeah, right now Kita is resting in the room. I wrapped her paw with some bandage from our first-aid kit.” I nodded as Mikey walked over.
“You ok?” Mikey asked me when he was two steps away from me.
“What do ya mean?” I asked confused, I was wondering why he would ask me that. However, I got my question answered.
“I mean about how things turned out. Your truck totalled by that tree, being required into driving in bad conditions, walking back and forth to the truck to get our camping equipment. So on and so forth.”
“No I’m not ok. You know how much I worked my ass off to get that Dodge 4x4. Now all my hard work has to go to waist.”
I think I was being too hard on him he did not need me jumping down his throat. “Sorry, Mike I guess I’m shaken up about all this.”
“No problem. Why don’t we see where Alex is going to sleep?”
“Sure” I said feeling bad for getting so angry at Mikey.
It didn’t take us too long to find Alex, he was around the corner from Mikey and I. I guess we all didn’t want to be far from each other, not saying we are scared or anything but, it was a frightening place to be. Who knows what had happened here? For all we knew it could have been a hide out for a bunch of criminals. So my room was marked 75, Mikey’s was marked 77, and Alex’s room was marked 79. Alex had already unpacked his stuff; he even rearranged the furniture to his likings.



**************

Black Stone Inn

Thanks to Alex and Mikey, my brand-new truck is junk, totaled by a tree trunk. My clothes are sopping wet and I am freezing sitting here in this dusty, run-down place someone once called home. I do not know why I let them convince me into coming up here. Maybe it was the fact that I did not want to be standing in the middle of nowhere while it’s pouring outside. I wished I had not aloud them to talk me into coming here.
This place gives off a bizarre unnatural feeling. Perhaps it was just the weather making an all right place frightening. The wind was picking up; when we had left, the wind was barely gusting to 20, now it was gusting to 50 miles per hour. The heavy rain was giving the atmosphere a gloomy feeling, almost as if it was taking all happy thoughts and happy feelings away from me. Something was not right, and I did not feel like staying any longer than needed. I got off the dust-covered bed and looked around the medium sized room that I was staying in. Over to my left there was a desk, sitting on top of the desk there was a lamp that looked like it had not been used in a long time, in the center of the room there was a portable closet in which I had not opened. To the left of the room there was a boarded-up window slightly hidden by moth-eaten curtains. Therefore, it was not as if I had this vibrant-looking room to be living in for the time being. My curiosity was getting the best of me, I wanted to know what was in that desk and what was in that closet, so I walked over to the desk and opened the only drawer there was to it. Dust covered my face making it hard for me to inhale any air around me. I started coughing and waving my hand through the dust-filled air. I reached my hand inside the drawer and my fingers landed on a leather-bound book. I pulled the book out. There was a thick layer of dust covering it, I wiped the dust off and opened it. To me it looked like I had found someone’s journal, an old journal at that.




*************

The Journal


5th April 1889
Dear Reader,
I do not know when you will find this journal but I must warn you that you are in great danger. I do not know if you have any idea where you are, but for me I am sitting in a medium sized room with one single bed, a desk with a lamp for light, a closet and a single window. I have run away from my town hoping to find a new beginning in my life, my first stop is here, Black Stone Inn. However, I have been feeling strange since I have gotten here. Even the people who stay here is acting differently they seem distant, unnatural like.

I closed the journal, so that is where we are Black Stone Inn. I wondered how long this place has been closed for; it sure looked like it had been closed for more than twenty years but could it have possibly been open at one point?
For some reason I could not find it in me to keep the journal closed, I found myself reading on in the journal.


8th April 1889
It has been three days in my stay here at Black Stone Inn. There is a strange atmosphere hanging above the heads of the people who stay here. The other day I thought, I heard voices coming from my room, but when I opened, the door there was nothing but silence. I shook my head in disbelief. Strange things have been happening to me lately, I cannot explain it but they are there, my experiences have happened. I do not know what is going on but I don’t want to stay any longer than needed.
I can hear a soft womanly voice speaking right beside me but no one but I is here in my room. She is speaking so gently. “Hello Peter.”
I do not know if I am imagining things or if my room is haunted.
Wait she wants to speak. “Peter, you must do me a favour if you wish to live.”
I nodded to thin air. I thought am I crazy?
However, I spoke to her. “Miss, I am listening. What do you want me to do?”
I was eager to hear her soft voice in my ears once again. I wanted that heavenly voice to speak to me. “Peter, my name is Lily Stone I was a daughter of William Stone.
I have a secret for you to find.”

10th April 1889,
I was astonished, I had heard about the case of Lily Stone. I was hearing her talk to me. You dear reader must think I am delusional, but I am not I am simply.....


I closed the book I could not stay up any longer my eyes were burning from exhaustion. Besides the “Peter’s entry ended there.
I turned off the dusty lamp with a squeak. I pulled out a sleeping bag, crawled into it, and was asleep in no time.



************


The Stone Family


“Lily get out of my study! I did not say you could be in here. GET OUT!
GET OUT! GET OUT! NOW!” William Stone yelled at his daughter with hatred gleaming in his eyes. Lily Stone did what her father told her to do.
She was wondering why he was so touchy about people going in his study. He always got mad her and her mother Victoria Stone.
What is he hiding in there? I need to know what it is.
Lily Stone was a beautiful young woman; she was eighteen years of age. She had long ringlets of brunette on her flawless face. She had sparkling blue eyes and a perfect smile. Lily Stone was an intelligent woman; she read books in her spear time. 18th November 1886 Lily mysteriously vanished. Ten days later her luggage was found floating in the near by river. Her winter dresses were torn; they had blood in the lower back part of them. The police pronounced her dead, everyone around her thought her father had murdered her. There was no evidence to back that theory. A year after Lily Stone’s death her mother Victoria Stone Vanished that same way but this time the police thought they had the right killer. It was to their knowledge the person was a family friend of the Stone family,
His name was Allen Smith. He was a thirty-year-old man, with no education, no family, and no job. He lived with the Stone family for quite awhile, He had taken a fancy of the women of the house. On 18th November 1887, Allen Smith confessed to the murders of Victoria and Lily Stone. The case was closed. William Stone seemed happy, nobody knew for what reason, it could be for the fact that the murder of his family was behind bars or for the fact that his family was dead. Just months after Victoria’s death William Stone turned his home into a Inn no just any inn it was the Black Stone Inn.
When the nearby towns’ people came to stay, they would ask Mr. Stone why he changed his home. He would always reply the same way “To keep my mind off the fact that my family is gone.”
Mr. William James Stone was a fine man of forty, with a strong build, a masculine voice and a defined face. He was a very wealthy man, and he became wealthier when he married Victoria Walters. They both came from wealthy families.


I woke up with a panic. I had forgotten where I was. I had dreamt that I was meeting the Stone family back in 1886. The atmosphere was strange; I got out of my sleeping bag, and walked out of my room. I looked at my watch it read 5:30am. I decide not to disturb the guys, I grabbed my hoody and walked slowly out of my room so that I didn’t make the door hinges cry out in rusting pain. I crept down the rotting staircase and opened the front door to the Black Stone Inn. Avoiding the cracks in the steps, I walked down them quickly.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Notes: I have already decided to change the POV from first to third.
Question: Do you think that there should be a present female voice?
Thank yous: Thank you all who critique this and those who take their time out to read this.

Hi, ButterFlyInk, here's your review as requested.

The moon was sheltered by thick misty clouds, which threatened a thunderstorm.

Not a good idea to start the story off with passive voice. Rephrase it so the clouds shelter the moon. (By the way, I don't see how it's possible for clouds to be thick and misty at the same time...misty implies translucency, which thick does not). Something about the "which threatened a thunderstorm" clause bothers me, too; it seems tacked on.

Consider that there are other factors besides clouds which threaten thunderstorms--a heaviness in the air, for example, or the whistling of wind.

I was not sure whether there was a moon or not.

Seeing as this was already essentially stated before, you don't need to spell it out.

I wondered if camping out in the forest is a good idea considering the weather.

You've switched tenses here; that "is" should bea "was".

“Todd, don’t you even think about chickening out on us.” It was as if he had read my thoughts. What I meant by he is Alex Spade, one of my good friends.

This introduction feels awkward. I'm not too fond of the "What I mean by..." part. The introduction could be handled much better simply by saying: "dialogue," said my friend Alex Spade. Much less clunky and verbose.

Alex is tall; he has blue eyes and a deep voice. We have known each other for as long as I can remember.

Tense changing again. I can sort of see what you're doing here (descriptions in present tense, everything else in past). While I've seen it in published works (Hannibal principal of them), it bothers me. But eh, that's a matter of personal taste.

Nor do I like the "long as I can remember". It's telling instead of showing. Best leave it off and let the main character's and Alex's interactions display in a natural way how long they've been friends.

Moreover, what Alex meant by us is him and Mikey Maddox. Alex and I have known Mikey since the previous year. He is a lot younger then the both of us, his age is likely around 18 or 19. I could not tell. He doesn’t talk about himself much. However, he is a great friend. He is short for his age. He has brown eyes and brown hair. He is to a certain extent witty at times, on other times he can get foolish.

...this entire paragraph is wince-worthy. Let's take it piece-by-piece.

1) "Moreover"...while that term is all right in a formal essay, in a piece of fiction, it sticks out like a sore thumb. Excise it.

2) Something about the "what Alex meant by us..." bit just makes me twitch, though I can't put a finger on it. It feels so...mechanical.

3) Mikey's age: would you really say that your friend is "around" a certain age? If they are friends, they should know their exact ages. Also, learning the narrator's real age (older than 18/19), practically broke my brain. His narration is coming across as far too immature to be coming from an over 20 young man.

4) Part of that immaturity is because of the sentence construction in this paragraph. You have a series of short, simple sentences built around the same construction "He is". Exactly like what a fourth-grader would write. In fact, just excise all of the "He is" sentences. They don't do anything but add bulk and tell instead of show Mikey's character.

Mikey's introduction, because of these problems, fall flat. It would be better if you introduced him as you had Alex--have him speak and then depict the three friends interacting. Then we can get a measure of his personality without all the extraenous details.

I guess Alex is right I cannot “chicken out” on them, because this trip has been set up for weeks now, so we had better get a move on if we want to miss the storm that is coming in.

This sentence is too long and veering into run-on territory. Put a dash or colon after "right" and a full stop after "now". Remove the "so".

I do like the image of wanting to miss the storm; it plays around with a common cliched phrase in an inventive way.

“Hey, you two, if you really want to go then we must get on the road before the storm hits.” I hollered from across the back yard of my parents pace.

You're missing commas here, and the way of talking bugs me as well. Who actually says "we must" when talking to their friends? "We've got to" is a more natural way of phrasing it.

"Parents pace"? I think you mean, "parent's place".

I started up my Dodge truck, revving the engine, hoping I would get my message across.

Dodge is a brand name so should be capitalized. You're missing a comma, but the entirety of the "hoping I would get..." part just bugs me. It's more the close proximity of two gerunds (revving and hoping) feels jarring.

“Ok, ok we’re trying to pack everything up as fast as we can.” I heard Mikey grumble through my rolled down window.

"Okay" should be written out.

Also, your dialogue grammar is incorrect. It's a common error to make (believe me, I had problems with dialogue grammar for years). But remember to put a comma at the end of dialogue instead of a period, and single spacing. So the sentence would look like:

"Okay, okay, we're trying to pack everything up as fast as we can," I heard Mikey grumble...

I honked the horn as if was a final warning bell for preschoolers.

Interesting image. Is he comparing his friends to preschoolers?

Then out of nowhere, Alex stepped beside my door and said, “Ok dude we’re all set.”

Corrected for tense issues and missing commas.

I almost jumped out of my skin I was so surprised.

Not only is this a runon, but the "I was so surprised" part isn't necessary, since the "almost jumped out of my skin" part already conveys the narrator's surprise.

“Alex you’ve got to stop sneaking up on me like that! Damn it you’re going to put me in the hospital one of these days.” I realized that I was starting to sound like my mother.

Though again you're missing commas, I like that this is a bit of characterization for the narrator. He's the kind to worry but doesn't want to come across as being too worrying. You showed all that in his actions and thoughts without having to say it outright.

“Well if we’re all set then you guys can get in and we’ll be off in no time.” I said with anticipation.

"With anticipation" is unnecessary.

"Sure as soon as Mikey gets back from taking a piss then we’ll be on the road ASAP.” Alex said flatly.
“Whatever. As long as he hurries is ass up?” I grunted unhappily.
“Look, he’s coming ok, so stop bitching and complaining!” Alex said frustrated with my antsy-ness.

Oh no, it's the attack of the dreaded "X dialogue-tagged adverbly" construction! Though the temptation is all too easy, and though it's fine every once in a long, long while, using so many of them in quick succession produces flat writing.

Remove the dialogue tags entirely; the dialogue here speaks for itself. Just have the characters say their lines; no need to embellish except maybe to add some of their actions

The rainstorm had hit us just as we were heading toward highway 6; the wind was picking up the miles.

Spell out "Highway Six". I don't understand what the picking up the miles part means.

It was getting tough to see the road in front of me.

More passive voice! Activate this. "I had trouble seeing the road in front of me.

Then out of nowhere, Alex yells out “WATCH OUT! SOMETHINGS IN FRONT OF US” I turn the steering wheel as hard as I could to avoid whatever it was in front of us. The rain made it hard for any of us to what it was. I ended up turning the truck on a gravel road, oh my mistake a private gravel road.

More problems to dissect:

1) First off, unless your name is J.K. Rowling, you cannot get away with all-capitals. It hurts the eye. Italics would do just as well to emphasize your dialogue. Also, "Something's" needs an apostrophe.

2) You switched tenses again.

3) You're missing a word here: I think there should be a "see" after the "to".

4) I'd like more of the narrator's feelings about what's going on here. Is he panicking? It seems like he should be, but we're not given any indications as to that.

I had terrible site of the road in front of me.

I think you mean "sight", not "site".

In addition, I had no friggen clue where I was going.

"No friggen clue" just makes your prose sound immature. Remove it.

I was hoping the weather would calm down. Well, no luck there--the rain came down on the windshield harder. "Shit!" I said with such frustration that Alex and Mikey jumped.

Commas and dialogue tags added and ambiguous phrasings fixed.

I was trying to avoid a large pothole, when I lost control of the steering wheel.

Here you've got a comma when you don't need one.

And activate this. "I tried..."

We were heading straight towards a huge tree trunk; Alex and Mikey were saying “Grab the fucking steering wheel” coordinated.

The passive voice is becoming painful to look at. Remove the "weres" and you'll get stronger prose, which is especially important for an actiony scene.

Mikey and his dog Kita had bounced forward in their seats. Kita was whining in the back seat, she might have hurt herself, or she might be whining for the fact that Mikey could be hurt.

The dog's introduction feels entirely random. It's as if she was shoved into the scene as an afterthought. Introduce her earlier when we're getting introduced to the friends.

I when I opened my door the hinges screeched in metallic pain.

Nice image.

I stepped down out of my totalled truck.

For his truck being totalled, the narrator doesn't seem to be feeling much.

I found out why Kita was whining her left hind paw was in an awkward position. I pick her up carefully making sure I did not touch her left hind leg.

You're missing either a colon or dash (either would work) between "whining" and "her", and the repetition of "left hind" is jarring.

“What happened to her?” He demanded to know.

"Demanded to know" is awkward phrasing. In fact, remove the dialogue tag entirely. Mikey's actions make his concern ample enough.

Mikey was really upset. We all were, this trip was not turning out the way we had planned it.

This entire bit is a lurid showcase in telling instead of showing, and makes your narrator sound immature to boot. Remove it.

We were all sopping wet, hurt, and Mikey’s nice dog was badly hurt and the only transportation was a car wreck. We had enough food for two weeks, clothes and cooking materials. Where were we to stay?
All I wanted was to get out of this downpour as soon as possible.

On the other hand, this does a much better example at showing why they're upset. So you don't need the "we were all really upset" bit.

I guffawed at "Mikey's nice dog", though. You might want to reconsider the "nice"; it seems childishly comical in this situation.

Alex came up to Mikey and I and said as he pointed in front of us “Look over there! I see a building in the near distance. I think we should check it out. It could be a place for us to stay until the storm passes over?”

I seriously cringed at this dialogue. It sounds exactly like lines from a bad movie, and deus ex machina to boot.

Add a little more conflict and realism--have the characters have to trek a long way until they finally see something that looks like a building. And have them argue about whether it is or isn't a building. Much more interesting to read.

Alex nodded [s]in agreement[/s].

A nod already implies agreement.

Mikey barely let me finish talk

"Talking".

There was no sound but the static of the down pouring rain.

"Downpouring" is one word. However, I do like the image (er, sound) of rain being like static.

We were about ten feet away when I say Mikey standing in front of the door way, he was staring up at the enormous building that we were about to enter.

Comma splice comma splice! Change that comma to a semicolon.

The structure and the brickwork of the building looked like it was built in the eighteen-twenties.

How would your narrator know that unless he was an expert on buildings in the 1820's?

The concrete steps leading up to the massive building, had cracks in them that had weeds growing in every nook and cranny.

The first comma is unnecessary. "Every nook and cranny" is a cliche phrase.

“Just open the friggen door will yeah. This stuff on my back and in my arms isn’t light you know.” I snapped.

The "yeah" should be a "ya". This line isn't making me like your main character much; he's coming across as a bit of a jerk. I understand that he's frustrated but you haven't let us deep enough in his head for me to really care.

"You call this housing. I feel sorry for the people who had to live here for more than two weeks.” [s]I was amused at Alex’s statement[/s].

The last bit is unnecessary since you're implying the narrator's amusement in his dialogue.

The three of us guys, decided to find ourselves a room to live in for the next two weeks. We have to stay here for tow weeks for the fact that our families knew that we were taking a camping trip and they have no idea that we were trapped in this empty, stale, dusty place. I have no idea where we are; sure, we are in a vacant old place that was some type of housing at one point. I hate this trip with every second that passes by. I found my room, medium sized space up a squeaky staircase, I really hadn’t looked at it fully I just wanted to place my stuff in there and find out where Alex and Mikey were staying. I’ll look at it later when I have more time to myself. I saw Mikey coming out of his room down the hallway. “You find a room you like?” I asked half shouting.

Another paragraph that's rife with issues.

1) "Three of us guys"? It'd sound more natural without the "guys".

2) ...do these characters not have cell phones? It seems like a shocking oversight that they'd go on a two week long camping trip without any way of contacting their families. Perhaps if you had a scene where they discovered they have no reception here, that'd make more sense. As it is, I'm starting to question their basic common sense.

3) "empty, stale, dusty". You're shoving too many adjectives on us at once. Give us a breather! Not to mention you're telling us, not showing us. Show us the cobwebs draping from the ceiling and the creaking of the floorboards, and the smell of mildew and overbearing presence of dust.

4) You switched tenses again at several points.

5) "I hate this trip with every second that passes by" is telling instead of showing us, and a tense change.

At this point, I'm going to stop with the nitpicks because quiet honestly, this piece is in need of a complete rewrite. It's still salvageable, but not in its present condition. Keep the ideas, but ditch everything you have written.

This does have the potential to be an interesting story--I'm a sucker for hotel haunting stories, especially if the suspense can be carried out well. And you've done a good job building up the atmosphere. Most of the interaction between your three main characters fels natural for three young men (all the cursing, for example), except for a few cringe-worthy bad movie lines. Some bits of description, too, were quite beautiful.

But as it is now...I'm not trying to be harsh, but what you have written here is not a good story. You say you wrote it at fourteen, and it shows in the immaturity of the writing and the basic errors you're making. My biggest problems were the constant tense changing, redunancy, passive voice, and the fact that I couldn't believe for an instant that the narrator was a twenty-year-old man. He came across in his actions and dialogue as a teenage girl. If you're more comfortable writing a teenage girl, I'd suggest changing the cast to a group of teenage best friends instead of three college-age young men. You wouldn't be changing the base idea of the story--that of the haunted hotel. And a teenage girl protagonist would be able to sympathize more with a teenage girl ghost.

The tension while the narrator was reading the dialogue was very well done (although I do believe the style that the diary was written in sounds far too modern). It got me genuinely intrigued as to what was going on, which is always good when you have a suspense-driven story such as this.

The last scene ruined the suspense, though; it's all a massive info-dump and anyone can see from a mile away that the father did murder the daughter and mother and that they're now haunting the hotel. Don't give away all that information so early in the story. Withold it, and sprinkle tiny hints judiciously throughout the story as the haunting becomes more and more severe. Have the identity of the ghost remain a mystery for a while, a mystery that the main characters must struggle to discover. You'll be surprised by how much tension and suspense you can gain from doing that.

I know the review came across as overwhelmingly harsh, but I didn't hate this story--not in the slightest. The basic idea is a very good one and one that certainly appeals to my tastes. It's just that the writing is poorly-done. Don't despair, though; in the four years since you've written this, your writing must definitely have improved. Keep the basic idea, but rewrite the story with a mind on realism and suspense. I'd be interested in reading a rewritten version of this.

PM if you have questions, and the best of luck in your endeavors.

Hi ButterflyInk! I love your username, I think it’s very pretty. Thank you for replying to my thread, I hope you find this useful. Bickazer has already covered the bases, so I’ll start out with a few nitpicks.

I wondered if camping out in the forest is a good idea considering the weather. Start a new paragraph here.“Todd, don’t you even think about chickening out on us.” It was as if he had read my thoughts. [s]What I meant by he is Alex Spade, one of my good friends.[/s]

The first sentence is suddenly in the present tense. Why? Also, just to clarify, you might want to say ‘I wondered to myself’. I get confused by whether the main character is wondering aloud or silently. The final sentence of this sentence bothers me because it is very awkward. You could simply add the speaker tag right after the speech to clarify things, like this: “Talking blah blah,” said Alex Spade, one of my best friends.

[s]Alex is tall; he has blue eyes and a deep voice.[/s] We have known each other for as long as I can remember.

I don’t quite like describing someone all in one sentence, and this applies to all parts in the story where you do this. I just think that I need only mention it once. It’s better just to slip in the descriptions of appearance at regular intervals. Like, first mention the way his blue eyes glare at Todd. Later on in the story, maybe Todd and Alex stand next to each other and Alex makes Todd feel like a little ant, and so on and so forth. See what I mean? Your reader still gets information about the characters, but they get to piece it all together, which makes it more interesting and easier to remember, strangely. Also, I recommend attaching the second sentence into the previous paragraph.

Moreover, what Alex meant by us is him and Mikey Maddox…He is to a certain extent witty at times, on other times he can get foolish.

Again, I don’t like the ‘what Alex meant by…’ sentence. There’s something very awkward or forced about it. If you want to keep it along those lines, what about: By ‘us’, Alex meant himself and Mikey Maddox, our other friend. It’s kind of strange that Todd doesn’t how old Mikey is. I mean, I know he doesn’t like talking about himself, but what would stop him from revealing his age?

“Hey you two if you really want to go then we must get on the road before the storm hits.” I hollered from across the [s]back yard[/s]backyard of my [s]parents pace[/s]parents’ place.

The dialogue here is really too formal for a young adult male. Or any young adult. Don’t be afraid to use slang or colloquialisms, since you also use swear words in the story.

I started up my dodge truck, revving the engine [s]hoping I would[/s]to get my message across.

Since Dodge is a brand of truck, it should be capitalized.

**********
One The Road

Well, I just think that writing a short transition would be more effective here that the stars and subtitle. Or just starting this as a new paragraph. I mean, it’s completely up to you, there’s nothing wrong with using this. I’m just suggesting alternatives out of personal preference.

The rainstorm [s]had[/s] hit us just as we were heading toward [s]highway 6[/s]Highway Six; the wind was picking up the miles. To me it looked like the wind was gusting past twenty miles per hour.
Raindrops were pelting the window shield so hard I thought it was hail.

Twenty mile-an-hour wind isn’t that fast, is it? Try a higher speed, like thirty.

The last turn I had made took us off Highway 42, hence me being lost.

I really, really don’t like these afterthoughts, along the lines of ‘hence me being lost…’, ‘what I mean by…’, etc. It’s much easier for the reader just to get the information in smoothly instead of sticking it in last minute. Better yet, just start a new sentence, like “The last turn I made took us off Highway 42. It wasn’t until we traveled ten miles that I realized we were lost.”

I was hoping the weather would calm down, [s]well no luck there[/s]but the rain immediately came down on the windshield harder.New paragraph here. “Shit!” I said it with such frustration that had made Alex and Mikey jump.

Try not to use the “said + adverb”. Just find a simple verb that seems to fit the situation, like ‘shouted’. If you don’t like that particular word, use a thesaurus. If you don’t have on hand, Microsoft Word comes with a handy thesaurus, and you could always use an online one.

I guess I did not try the best I could because we hit the truck with a horrible crunching sound. The air bags made a popping noise that sounded close to a gunshot. My head hit the driver’s air bag with a thwack.

I like this part here. The words you use really do show the reader what is going on. The only problem would be the similar structure of the sentences. Sometimes try putting the description before the action, like “Our bodies made a horrible crunching sound as we collided with the truck. Obviously I didn’t try the best I could.”

He looked fine to me; he stood slightly up and climbed out of my truck.

Todd sounds pretty insensitive here. He doesn’t ask either of the guys whether they are okay, and doesn’t bother to help Mikey only because he looks like he’s okay. What’s to say that Mikey got hit really hard in the head and was feeling dizzy? They just got in a horrible accident; even if they look okay, it’s really smart to verbally make sure everyone is truly safe.

Mikey and I both looked in the direction Alex was pointing to,

You want a period there.

“Todd, I’m sorry about how things are turning out!”

Who is speaking here?

“Yeah I guess you’re right. Anyways I think we have enough for now. Well come back for the rest as soon as we drop this stuff off.”

Alex stated as he headed towards the building. I followed him.

This should all be one paragraph.

There was no sound but the static of the down pouring rain. It was coming down so hard I could barely hear myself think let alone speak.

‘Downpouring’ or ‘down pouring’ isn’t actually a word. ‘I could barely hear myself think’ is sort of cliché. Is there something else that can be used?

As if on command, Alex opened the front door. I was relieved; my arms were getting sore. “What is this place?” Mikey asked.

Remember, new paragraphs for new speakers. Also, ‘as if on command’ doesn’t really work here, because Todd did just command him to.

We have to stay here for tow weeks for the fact that our families knew that we were taking a camping trip and they have no idea that we were trapped in this empty, stale, dusty place.

I’m quite sure it’s ‘two’, not ‘tow’.

“I mean about how things turned out. Your truck [s]totalled[/s]totaled by that tree, being required into driving in bad conditions, walking back and forth to the truck to get our camping equipment. So on and so forth.”

This is really awkward dialogue. You vary between really casual, slangy type of speech to this type, where absolutely no one would speak like that in real life.

“No, I’m not ok. You know how much I worked my ass off to get that Dodge 4x4? Now all my hard work has to go to [s]waist[/s]waste.”

If it meant so much to Todd, I expect this to show up earlier. Like maybe he freaks out about right after they get out of the wrecked car.

I think I was being too hard on him he did not need me jumping down his throat.

Here, there is telling with absolutely no showing. The reader has absolutely no idea how Todd came to that conclusion. Does Mikey’s face suddenly fall? Does he look away, and Todd knows that Mikey looks down only when he’s upset? We need to know these things.

I guess we all didn’t want to be far from each other, not saying we are scared or anything but, it was a frightening place to be. Who knows what had happened here? For all we knew it could have been a hide out for a bunch of criminals. So my room was marked 75, Mikey’s was marked 77, and Alex’s room was marked 79. Alex had already unpacked his stuff; he even rearranged the furniture to his likings.

Just a quick rewrite on my part: [i]“I guess we didn’t want to be too far from each other— not saying we were scared or anything. But really, the place was creepy as hell. Who knew what had happened here? It could have been a hideout for criminals. But Alex didn’t seem as nervous as Mikey and me: he had already unpacked, and even rearranged the furniture to his liking.”
I just don’t like mentioning the room numbers. They don’t seem significant.

**************
Black Stone Inn

Yeah, I don’t like that you subtitled this section as Black Stone Inn. The reader can guess that where they are staying is called Black Stone Inn, judging by the title of this piece. It’s nice to keep that information as part of the actual text. I really think you should just skip over subtitling each section.

I wished I had not [s]aloud[/s]allowed them to talk me into coming here.

This place gives off a bizarre unnatural feeling…To me it looked like I had found someone’s journal, [s]an old journal at that.[/s]

Far too much information for one section. If needed, just break it up into two paragraphs. Still, I feel like the reader gets too much in too little a space. Also, if the journal is dusty, it can be safely assumed that the journal is old, so you don’t need that last bit there.

5th April 1889…Even the people who stay here is acting differently they seem distant, unnatural like.

I feel like this section should be italicized, to clearly distinguish diary from Todd’s thoughts.

So, I decided to stop nitpicking here for one big reason: This next section should be omitted entirely. As Bickazer mentioned, it gives away too much information. It’s much more suspenseful to keep with Todd’s perspective. Why? He has no knowledge of the Stone family so the reader must learn about the details with him, and it’s a good way for reader and character to connect: they share their lack of knowledge in common. Instead of telling all this information in the first section, spread it out. Maybe Todd just dreams about Lily at first, and he’s completely stunned by this image in his mind. Then he goes on to find newspaper articles. Things along those lines, if you get what I mean.
Also, shoot for character development throughout the story. Think about your final outcome: what do you want it to look like? Will Mikey, Todd, and/or Alex have changed by then? Visits from the undead are probably going to have a large effect on the three of them, so think about how it should go.
So, you said this was very raw, so I did my best to point out mistakes. You should definitely take the time to look through this and find other similar mistakes, as I’m not sure I found everything that needed to be fixed. However, I recommend that you take a look and self-review first sometimes. That way, you get rid of those pesky typos and whatnot and readers can focus on the more important aspect of the story: the plot, and the characters.

Also, make sure you keep a consistent tense throughout the story. It’s good to stick to one point-of-view, but switching tenses really distracts the reader from getting your story. Try just write part of it in the past tense, then rewrite it in the present. Which one sounds better? Pick that one, and maintain it throughout the entire story.

I did love the diary section though; the mentions of the clues and the actual visit from the ghost truly made me nervous. I had to turn on the lights before I could continue! So in writing a suspense, you succeed there. But everything around it needs lots of editing. I urge you to re-read this multiple times, going over different aspects each time, like this:

1. Check tense. Is everything uniform?
2. Check dialogue. Read it out loud. Does it sound realistic and true to the characters?
3. Check description. Have you cut out all clichés, and used new phrases that evoke exciting pictures?
4. Check spelling. Are all words spelled correctly? Be sure that you haven’t used a homonym or a word that is spelled correctly, but it’s not the one you want.
5. Check grammar. Go over the rules, like commas must follow direct address.
6. Check characterization. With every action made, does it seem like the character would do this?
7. etc.

I know it sounds terribly tedious, but some of these can be done at the same time. It’s just good to read and revise, reread and re-revise. Revision is a chore, but I think it’s one of the most important aspects of being a good writer. Artists don’t just wing it and end up with a perfect masterpiece. Sometimes they start out sketching, with lots of erasing. When they paint, they white out areas because it didn’t turn out the way they wanted. Of course, revising too much is dangerous as well: I tend to do that. I go over it and go over it, finding flaws that never existed in the first place, and I become discouraged and stop writing altogether. Find the right balance, and I assure you things will end up beautifully. Just do the best you can on your own, and then post it on YWS. Please, if you found this review harsh or unhelpful, let me know. If you thought I was of any help, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m always happy to help out, and would gladly revisit this story.

Best of luck,
octo