As Yet Unnamed

Well, I admit I'm a bit nervous. Heh. Anyway, this is the latest Shiny New Idea. By all means rip it apart.

Faro sat in the back of the pub, nursing a pint of weak ale. He tapped his armoured knuckles against the table,
struggling to ignore the paranoid glances his official garb drew from the public.

The pub door opened and a small, cloaked figure entered. The figure limped awkwardly to the counter and almost immediately a drink was set out before her. Faro was impressed.

The figure leaned back slightly and flipped back the hood of her cloak. She glanced around the pub, and Faro caught a glimpse of long black hair that swayed with her movement.

Faro stiffened very slightly.

The woman caught his gaze, and a shudder slithered down his spine.

She had the sort of eyes that could look right through a person, yet reveal nothing of herself.

After a moment she smirked. Picking up her glass, she limped over to Faro's table. She flopped down across from him. The metal fastenings of her leg braces glowed slightly in the dim light.

"Have you come to arrest me, captain?" she asked.

"That's what they tell me, Melder,” Faro said, looking her over. “You're to be tried for multiple counts of murder, arson, heresy, and theft."

"You don't sound so very sure about that, dearie," she sighed, draining her glass. "Are you sure?"
Faro hesitated. "Yes."

The Melder shook her head. "Let's not play this game, Faro."

"You like games, as I recall."

"This one tires me. Tell me why you're here, Faro. I think we both know you're not going to arrest me."

"Well no," he said. "We've too much common history for that."

They sat in silence for a moment, sipping their drinks.

"Come with me," she said suddenly. Faro flinched, remembering the last time, years ago, when he'd turned down her offer. "Come with me, Faro. Help me change the world."

Faro stared at her. She was a criminal, a killer, a lunatic. He'd have to be mad to side with her.

"Well?" she drummed her fingers against the table.

He didn't, or couldn't, answer, so he ordered another drink instead.

She smiled.

~

Well, he reasoned as he left side-by-side with the Melder several drinks later, it’s been a long while since I claimed to be sane anyway.

Neither of them spoke. The only sound Faro could hear was the faint scrape of the crippled Melder's gait and the sharp click-clack of his own boots. He found the near-silence unnerving and odd.

In the end it was the Melder who broke the silence.

"Why are you here?" she sighed, stopped, and turned to look up at him.

"Because you're a master of manipulation. You can convince anyone of anything," he answered without thinking.

"Nonsense," the Melder snorted in reply. "I can only convince people of what they already know. You are here because you want to be."

"No..." Faro protested.

The Melder studied him intently. He squirmed under the gaze. "Why are you so unhappy?" she whispered, leaning closer.

"I'm not... I wasn't..." Hang it all, she was so damn confusing.

"You were, Faro," she said simply. "You still are. Don't lie to me. We've too much common history for that, too."

Faro stared at her.

"You've changed," he said at last.

She smiled ruefully. "So have you, dearie. Just like you promised you wouldn't." There was no accusation in her voice, no anger, just the long, sad silence of too many years gone by.

The two of them stood staring at each other, the silence settling around them oppressively.

"It's late," she said softly, at last. "We should go." She turned and limped away, not bothering to look behind to see if he was following.

Faro sighed, knowing he would regret it come morning, and started after the Melder.

Hello. Interesting beginning, you have a lot going with these two characters that makes the reader want to know more, I'm very intrigued with them and the world that they live in. (Earth? Another world?) I'm also interested in the title 'the Melder' and what that means. So, you're going to have to post more for me to read soon.

You write so cleanly, this might be the only thing that I noticed in your story (good work!):

Is Silvertongue another title or the name of this Melder character? Plus, that's in Inkheart and I don't think you'll get away with the similar name very easily. I'd change it, whatever it is.


PM me when you write more, I'm dying to read more and I'd love to review again if you'd like me to.

<3,
-Roo

Well, unfortunately for you that's all I have so far so you'll have to wait a bit. And thank you, you're very kind.
As to the Silvertongue bit, well, I've never read Inkheart. Couldn't get past the first chapter or so. Unfortunate, but I'll try to think of something else while I'm at work today.
Thanks for reviewing.

Hi
That was good, I was intrigued.

She sighed, stopped, turned to look up at him.

You should put 'and' instead of a comma after 'stopped'.

Also you call the woman 'Melder' and 'silvertongue' and don't explain what they are.

Other than that I liked it. Just keep working on it!

~Tayla

Well, I admit I'm a bit nervous. Heh. Anyway, this is the latest Shiny New Idea. By all means rip it apart.

Challenge accepted!

Faro sat in the back of the pub, nursing a pint of weak ale.

As far as first sentences go, I rather like this one. It's intruiging without being overpowering. So far I'm asking "Who's Faro? Which pub? Why is he drinking?" Good start.

He tapped his armoured knuckles against the rough table, and tried to ignore the paranoid glances his official garb drew from the Reds, with little success.

Hmm, this sentence bugs me, and I can't pin why.

It's long, for one. It compresses several sentences into one, and, for me, instantly creates a drone affect. Like "uhh, she's going to explain everything in this one sentence." That's just me, though, and some people might think its fine. Personally, I'd prefer perhaps:
"Tapping his armoured knuckles against the rough table (perhaps substitute "rough" here for "sturdy" or "solid", as how can he judge a texture through armour?), he struggled to ignore the paranoid glances his official gard drew. (I'd cut out mentioning the "Reds" here with no intention of expanding in the near future. I'd introduce the "Reds" more of "the crowd" or "the public" until you're ready to specify who the Reds are, why they're there and why we need to know. Otherwise, it's just unnessecary teasing. You know what I mean? Don't mention them here, then leave them without explanation. Naturally, I assume you're talking about Bolsheviks when you say "the Reds", but I don't think that's what you're aiming for.)"

The pub door opened and a small, cloaked figure entered.

Don't need the comma here, really. "...a small cloaked figure" reads fine.

The figure limped awkwardly to the counter and almost immediately a drink was set out before it.

This sentence, I feel, would read better as two.

"The figure limped awkwardly to the counter. Almost immediately, a drink was set out before it."

Also, as I read this sentence out loud, I find "it" too awkward a statement to punctuate the sentence. I'm keen to say "him" or "her" just to personify the silhouette, but that might be an individual thing. I understand that you're aiming for anonimity, but why not let Faro jump to a conclusion? Live a little.

Faro was impressed; not even the uniform of the royal guard had been enough to inspire such hasty service.

Ok, here we go. No information tending towards this sentence, sweetie. Here I am, picturing St George sitting in full body armour, and now there's a uniform involved? Is he wearing the uniform too, or is someone else? Either way, you need to lead it that way. Otherwise it's just a random mention of a uniform.

"not even the uniform of the royal guard seated beside him..."

or "not even his own uniform - that of the royal guard-..."

Other than that, I like the "Faro was impressed" part. Makes Faro a wee bit awesome.

After a moment the figure flipped back the hood of its cloak, revealing long black hair and large grey eyes set in a pale, feminine face. She had a straight nose, thin lips, small ears.

Ok... uhm...? When you mentioned that "Faro sat at the back of a pub" I naturally assumed that when the figure sat at the counter, s/he had her/his back to Faro. So how does he notice what she looks like without you describing her turning, or the counter being in an awkward location in the centre of the pub?

Perhaps:

"After a moment (a moment of what, by the way? After a moment of nothingness? After a sip of beer? After wriggling in her chair to get comfortable? I'd rather she does something rather than sit on the chair and go "ok, now's a good time to take my hood off". I mean, if it were me, I'd have a little roster of actions in my head, and so would you. "Sit, get comfortable, take a sip, take off hood, drink some more". The hood removal ought to be more natural, I feel. You understand what I'm getting at?), the figure flipped back the hood of its cloak. Turning slightly, as though searching the room for someone, Faro noticed her luscious, long black hair as in flicked in her motion. Her two large, grey eyes glimmered from her pale, feminine face." (zest up the sentence with some adjectives, yeah? but don't bother going on to the "nose, lips, ears" part. That's just added extra and personally, I wouldn't read that sentence.)

Faro stiffened very slightly. His hand dropped to the pistol in the holster at his side.

His armour has a holster? Hon, you need to go into better detail with this armour/uniform business.

The woman turned, as if sensing his gaze. Her eyes connected with Faro's, and a shudder slithered down his spine.

Ok, if you use something along the lines of my aforementioned "she turned as if looking" sentence, you won't need this first part here. Otherwise, more power to ya!

Her eyes were flat, completely non-reflective, but they seemed to burn with an inner light.

Cool. Maybe "Her eyes were dull, non-reflective." As "flat" doesn't make much sense in reference to a cyclical body part. Yet, both "dull" and "flat" contradict with the next half of the sentence. Maybe "yet there was a fierocity in them that seemed to prove the existance of an inner light" or something...

The sort of eyes that could look right through a person, without revealing anything of their owner.

Get rid of the comma here. Also, which owner? The owner of the person being looked through?

Perhaps something like:

"She had (I'd rather you added this to the sentence, or else the sentence is incomplete. As you have it now is more appropriate as an end of a sentence. You know?) the sort of eyes that could look right through a person, yet revealed nothing of herself."

After a moment she smirked, picked up her glass, and limped over to Faro's table. She flopped down across from him. The metal fastenings of her leg braces glowed slightly in the dim light.

Again you use the phrase "after a moment". I wouldn't use it twice in such a short space of time. Yet I'd suggest you keep this one and rid of the previous one. Here, we know what the pause is for and what she's doing in the said "moment" where as previously we didn't.

Also, this first sentence? Break it up please. Commas aren't always enough.

"After a moment, she smirked. Picking up her glass, she limped over to Faro's table."

"Have you come to arrest me, captain?" she asked.

Oh my god! Please (!) make her say "cap'n" here! I will be your best friend if you make her sound like a pirate ;D

No, I'm kidding. Please don't. Unless she is a pirate, in which case give her an accent now =D

"That's what they tell me, Melder. You're to be tried for multiple counts of murder, arson, heresy, and theft."

Who's Melder? The limping chick? I'd suggest an interaction here.

"'That's what they tell me, Melder,' Faro said, looking her over."

But that's more of a personal issue than anything else.

"You don't sound so very sure about that, dearie," she sighed. "Are you sure?"

Faro hesitated. "Yes."

The Melder shook her head. "Let's not play this game, Faro."

"You like games, as I recall."

"This one tires me. Tell me why you're here, Faro. I think we both know you're not going
to arrest me."

"Well no," he said. "We've too much common history for that."

I love this exchange. You have the perfect balance of letting us know who's talking with each and every sentence, yet not overpowering it with the "he said she said" technique. Fabulous.

They sat in silence for a moment, sipping their respective drinks.

"Respective" seems almost unwelcome in this sentence.

"sipping their drinks" reads well.

"Come with me," she said suddenly. Faro almost flinched, remembering the last time, years ago, when he'd chosen the Queen's guard over his oldest friend. "Come with me, Faro. Help me change the world."

Faro almost flinched? Last I checked, flinching isn't something you can control. Make him flinch the whole way. Go on!

By the way, who's the Queen? Who's his oldest friend?

Well, he reasoned as they left, side by side, several drinks later, it had been a long while since he claimed to be sane anyway.

This sentence is awkward, which I think is more to do with the lack of punctuation than anything else. Maybe:

'Well', he reasoned as he left the pub, side by side with Melder, several drinks later. 'it has been a long while since I claimed to be sane.'

Ahh, much better. =D

Neither of them spoke. The only sound Faro could hear was the faint scrape of the crippled Melder's gait and the sharp click-clack of his own boots. He found the near-silence strangely unnerving, odd after years with the boisterous men of the guard.

"...unnerving and odd..."

Replace the comma with 'and'. Commas don't always make good substitutes for the word 'and', remember that.

In the end it was the Melder who broke the silence:

Colon? Nuh-uh. Put a period here, missy.

"Why are you here?" She sighed, stopped, turned to look up at him.

Any other actions you feel the need to put in that sentence? It's too much.

Perhaps:

"She sighed. 'Why are you here?' She asked, stopping and looking up at him."

That makes it sound a little more balanced. You know?

"Because you're Silvertongue. You can convince anyone of anything," he answered without thinking.

What's a Silvertongue?

"Nonsense," the Melder snorted in reply. "I can only convince people of what they already know. You are here because you want to be."
"No..." Faro protested.
The Melder studied him intently. He fidgeted under the gaze. "Why are you so unhappy?" she whispered, leaning closer.
"I'm not... I wasn't..." Hang it all, she was so damn confusing.

Hang what all? Is that some sort of foreign slang?

Overall, it's a good draft. Obviously, I had more than a couple of complaints, but most of them were nit-picky.

My biggest complaint, particularly because you do it several times, is how you introduce something, then ignore. The Reds, the Queen, the Old Friend, Silver-tongues. We don't know what you mean by these terms, and most readers aren't going to hang around long enough to find out, as you may never discuss these things again. If you're going to mention these things, as I detailed with The Reds, go into depth then and there about who they are and why we care - though try and avoid info-dumping simultaneously - or else don't bother mentioning them at all.

As I said, it was a good draft. Needs some work but it's still better than half the stuff I see here. Well done.

Thanks, Loose, that's very very helpful.