The Fall ~ part two

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7539
Reviews 374
Mindy looked at him confused.
“We will come to that later.” He said waving his hand to signify that it was not up for discussion. “First let me begin by introducing myself, my name is Nepal; but you would know me by the name of Sandy.”

She laughed. “No, you are not Sandy. Sandy is a dog, you’re a… well whatever you are, you aren’t Sandy.”

“I can prove it to you if you wish, madam.”

“Alright, what was the name I used to call Sandy when we were together, when no one was around?”

“Little scruffy muffin puppy,” He replied grinning

“Well, that could have been heard by someone, it doesn’t mean anything. Um…Okay tell me where my favorite secret hiding place was?”

“Underneath the porch.” He answered simply “and you buried a box with pictures of you and me in it; remember? I helped dig the hole, and when you buried my earth body, you placed one of the pictures in with me.”

“H-h-how did you know that?” She was surprised; she had made sure that no one was around when she had done that.

“As I said before, I am Sandy. I was one of your protectors, until my earth body expired. I do miss my earth body though; I was rather fond of it.”

“Wait, Protectors? What does that mean? What is this place and why am I here?”
She was confused, so much so it made her head pound.

“In time all of your questions will be answered, and until then you must wait.”

“I’ve never been very good at waiting.”

“One of your bigger faults,” he said with a grin.

“So, now where do we go from here?” She asked, rubbing her hands together.

“Now, we go home.”

Mindy wondered which path lead to his home. She looked around at all of the beautiful pathways, wondering which one there were going to take. They all looked so inviting. The one to her far right cast a soft glowing light forth from the tunnel, making her wonder where it leads. The tunnel closest to that was green and very exotic looking. The third was the one she most hoped was the one. It was so beautiful, fields, and trees, and a waterfall! It was gorgeous. Next to it was a quite small one compared to the others, it lead to the cleanest and the whitest beach she had ever seen. Above that one was a tunnel to what looked to be space. Mindy had very little desire to be sucked into space. The final path lead to a winter land, the snow was just melting and there were cherry blossoms everywhere. This was the one Sandy began walking towards. Mindy followed him, but to her surprise he did not climb up the bridge of crystals to the tunnel. No he instead walked around, and underneath it. She was disappointed not to be able to go into any of he beautiful paths, but she did not say anything.

When they got close to the cave, the candle she was holding extinguished itself. Sandy walked calmly, and she followed suit; not feeling at all confident or calm. As she entered, the light that had seemed soft turned blinding. She stumbled around, calling out to Sandy. She tried to feel for something to guide her, but there was nothing. A slight breeze brushed her cheek, telling her she was close to an opening. She lifted her skirts and ran to the source of the air. She landed flat on her face, scraping her palms. The surprise of the fall forced her eyes open. For the first few seconds all she could see was bright colors and swirling dots, as her vision cleared she realized that she had tripped over a large rock. Her palms stung and her shins hurt, she stood up brushing off her skirt. Sandy ran up to her.

“Madam! I am so sorry! I should have warned you! Please accept my apologies.”

“It’s fine, no big deal.” She replied her eyes still adjusting.

She was able to look around for the first time. It was beautiful, the colors were so vivid, the air was sweet; and warm. She was in a field, a lush green field, surrounded by forest. In the middle of the sea of grass was a tall, sturdy oak tree; and she could see a person standing underneath it.

“Come,” Sandy said pulling her by her hand. “There is someone who wants to see you.”

Mindy wondered who would want to see her.

As they got closer, she realized that it was a woman, wearing a dress similar to the one she had on. Her long dark brown hair flowed softly over the scarlet folds of cloth.
Her face, there was something in her face that made Mindy’s heart race. It was her, she was older and had more lines around her eyes, but it was her.

“Mama?” She asked, in a voice barely over a whisper.

“Welcome home, Melinda.” The women replied, embracing her in a tight hug.

Memories flooded Mindy’s mind ; the screams of women and children, running as their homes were burnt by men with swords, the killing. The smell of burning wood, and blood mixed, filled her nose. All she could hear was screaming, and her mother's heartbeat.
She remembered her mother carrying her as they ran into the woods.

“Nepal!!” she had screamed “Nepal! Take her! Quickly take her!”

Mindy had been pushed onto a pony, Sandy was mounted behind her. Her mother placed her hand on Mindy’s cheek, tears streaming down her face.

“Be safe my little one.” She had whispered, giving her one last kiss “Go! Go now!” She screamed; whipping the pony as men came into sight.

Mindy looked back as they rode, she saw her mother being pulled away by large men.

“I love you mommy.” She yelled

It was the last time she had seen her mother.

She thought that they had been dreams, but as she looked at the woman standing before her now, she realized that that had been her life. This is where she came from.

“You let me go.” She said, her eyes filling with tears.

“If you had stayed you would have been killed.” Came the reply. “That for me, was the worst part of the war, having to let you go. If there had been another way, I would never have done it. But there was no choice; I had to keep you safe. I sent Nepal with you to make sure you were happy and protected, and I never stopped loving you Melinda.”

“Where is Papa? Why isn’t he here?”

“He is at the house, waiting for you to come home.”

Home.
Mindy remembered the old stately manor they had lived in, the porch swing Papa would read her books in while they swung, and the gardens where she spent her days running through barefoot. A wave of belonging swept over her very soul, all the hatred she had built up for her parents had melted away. She belonged here.

“Mama let’s go home.”
Last edited by BondGirl007 on Sun Jul 19, 2009 5:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Hey Bondgirl, Stella here, back for Part Two!

I. NITPICKS

Mindy looked at him confused


Full stop at the end.

introducing my self,


myself is one word...

She laughed


Full stop at the end...

what ever you are, you aren’t Sandy.”


whatever.

“Little scruffy muffin puppy.” He replied grinning


puppy," he replied grinning.

Ok tell me where


OK or okay, not in the middle :D

no one was around when she had done that. “


Um...

“One of your bigger faults.” he said with a grin


Full stop! Also "faults," he said...

Please except my apologies.”


accept.

running as their homes were burnt by men with swords, the killing.


Wasn't this set in the modern world? Oh... wait, never mind... :D

Okay...

II. PUNCTUATION

-You keep leaving full stops off the ends of your sentences, make sure you put them in...

-Here's Demeter's article on punctuation dialogue: viewarticlebody.php?t=44898

III. CONTINUITY

So this piece actually flows quite well, but it's just the last bit I'd like to see some more put into so that it makes sense. About her family- hint about how she doesn't remember them, or perhaps she remembers details- the smell of burning or something, I know it's a cliché, but still, it will work...

IV. OVERALL

Not actually bad at all, I like your story. You could put a bit more about how Nepal was sent to look after her and then fetch her back when she was ready in, but other than that, it was good. My advice is to fix your punctuation, that's the main thing holding the piece back... good luck in the contest!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill