Hell's Soul

Amongst the crowd, he shields his face.
He walks quickly, yet leaves no trace.
His cloak of black hangs past his feet.
Blood drips and stains the cold concrete.

The apartment approaches, soul inside.
Cloaked man looks up, then rushes by.
He has no need for doors or stairs,
No one can see him, so no one cares.

A man inside sits in his soft chair.
Cloaked one enters, stops, and stares.
With gun in hand, the man cries out,
Then pulls the trigger, a deathly route.

Cloaked one smiles, then takes the soul.
A soundless screech, he's paid his tole.
For into hell he will descend,
The dead man's soul meets its end.

A chuckle escapes Death's parched lips.
"Stupid human, he won't be missed."
For Life once owned this desperate soul,
It had its chance, thy soul has died.

-----------------------------------
I know it's short, but I feel it is the correct length. ALL comments, short or long, helpful or not, are greatly appreciated.

Hey fading-dream! This is an interesting poem If you don’t mind, I’m going to separate this into couplets and point out things that could be improved.

Amongst the crowd, he shields his face.
He walks briskly, yet leaves no trace.

The rhythm here is off, just a little. It seems like you’re writing in iambic tetrameter, but I don’t know if you meant to do so. I think it’s the word ‘briskly’ that throw things off here, since the emphasis is on the first syllable, not the second. There is a certain singsong quality to the poem which is kind of nice, since it’s a contrast to a darker theme. In terms of content, I do like the lines. They add an air of mystery and I become interested.

His cloak of black hangs down to his feet.
Blood drips and stains the cold concrete.

I don’t like the ‘to’ in the first line, it throws things off. Maybe if you wrote it as “His cloak of black goes past his feet” or something.

The apartment approaches, one man inside.
The cloaked man looks up, then rushes by.

The first line here is also awkward. I think if you really keep to an iambic tetrameter, it’ll flow more easily to the ears. I like that you said the apartment approached the figure, it’s a nice change. Also, out of all the sections, this one is one of two couplets that don’t have a strict rhyme. It’s a bit jarring, honestly.

He has no need for doors or stairs,
No one can see him, so no one glares.

I feel like you only used the word ‘glares’ for rhyming. Why would anyone glare at him? Well, I guess it would be the blood he spills as he walks, but I think that would generate horror before anger. Plus, the second line is off-rhythm.

The man inside sinks into his soft, warm chair.
The cloaked one enters, stops, and stares.

Here I think you should say something else to differentiate the two characters, seeing as they’re both male. I think this could also be confused, that the figure has already made his way into the house and is now sitting in the chair. Maybe just changing ‘The’ to ‘A’ might help. The first line is a bit long though. I’m not sure if you need the ‘soft’ or ‘warm’ as they don’t add much besides describing the chair.

With a gun in hand, the man cries out,
Then pulls the trigger, leaving all doubt.

You don’t really need the ‘a’ in the first line. It sounds better without it. In the second line, I’m not sure what you mean by ‘leaving all doubt’. Leaving all doubt of what?

The cloaked one smiles, then grabs the soul.
A soundless screech, he's paid his tole.

The first line would do better without ‘then’. Sometimes it’s good to cut out words like ‘then’ or ‘a’, because even one little word can detract from the important ones. I think you meant ‘toll’ when you wrote ‘tole’, since ‘toll’ means payment or fee. By he, do you mean the man that’s died? I get confused when both characters are left unnamed.

For into hell he will descend,
Bringing the dead man's soul to its end.

I don’t like the second line here, it’s too long. I’m not sure how to correct this particular line.

A chuckle escapes Death's parched lips.
"Stupid human, he won't be missed."

I absolutely adore this section. You give some characterization into Death that’s really interesting and witty. The iambic tetrameter here works excellently.

For life once owned this desperate life,
It had its chance, thy soul has died.

I almost feel like you should capitalize the first ‘Life’ and personify it. I don’t like the repetition of ‘life’ so close together though. You should find another word, especially since it doesn’t rhyme with your very last line anyway. In the last line, you suddenly change the person and that confuses me. ‘It had its chance’ would be referring to the dead man while ‘thy soul has died’ refers to the reader, since ‘thy’ is the possessive of thou, meaing ‘you’.

I really liked this poem! Again, I really recommend just keeping to a strict iambic tetrameter, and not just because it sounds better. Traditional ballads are written in such a format, and your poem basically fits the criteria for a long measure ballad. It narrates a tragedy, it has a great rhyme scheme, and your meter is so close to being ballad-form. If you have any questions about my review, or would like to correct me on something (I tend to misunderstand or miss things sometimes), just let me know!

Good luck with your writing!

octo

Hey!

I loved this poem! You had a great idea and imagery, and I loved how you got everything to rhyme well.

You had a few awkward parts, but octocoffee basically cleared that all up.

The apartment approaches, soul inside.

Cloaked man looks up, then rushes by.

On my first read through, I thought Death had rushed by the building, without bothering to go inside. That line in particular could use a bit of rewording.

Amongst the crowd, he shields his face.

He walks quickly, yet leaves no trace.

His cloak of black hangs past his feet.

Blood drips and stains the cold concrete.

This stanza is full of opposites. He leaves no trace, yet blood drips and stains the concrete. He shields his face, yet no one can see him anyway. It's understandable, just a tad confusing with all of the opposing factors.

With gun in hand, the man cries out,

Then pulls the trigger, a deathly route.

I think you should clarify who's pulling the trigger a little more. Again, in my first read through, I thought you mean the man was pulling the trigger.

A chuckle escapes Death's parched lips.

"Stupid human, he won't be missed."

I liked this part too. It gave a fantastic image of Death and his personality.

Overall, great job! Keep up the good work!

zOe