The Silverman's Hazel part 2

Part 2 of the Silverman's Hazel. This one, to me, is a lot more insightful as to what is going on, and what the dream meant not to mention more emotion. Let me know what you think and enjoy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I opened the gate to the graveyard quietly. It groaned and creaked against the rust it had grown over the years. I stepped into the graveyard and looked solemnly at the graves that lay before me. There was no one here, no strange woman, no…nothing out of the ordinary. I hugged the blanket around my shoulders closer. It was freezing out here. The wind suddenly began to blow, whipping my hair into my face toward the direction of the graves. I pulled my hood over my head and began to walk toward them. The woman’s voice rang in my head, puzzling me more every time. What could it mean? I got to the first row of graves and began to run my fingers over the names, thinking. My fingers ran over a flurry of names.

Kalan. Clarian. Silverman…

Silverman.

The minute my fingers connected with the name, it felt as though the ground was ripped out from under me. I flew backward and landed on my stomach, the wind rushing out of me. The wind began to howl and the world began to spin. Suddenly, the entire world was gone and pitch black surrounded me. Then, pictures began to flash before me, a young girl running around with a young boy chasing her. Both smiling. The same young girl crying as she stood in front of a grave, mostly likely of a loved one. The young girl beaming with pride watching the young boy who'd been chasing her standing at a podium, reading from something I couldn’t see, then the young girl standing at the podium herself, also reading from the something I still couldn’t see. Then the pictures got faster and faster. Until I couldn’t see what they were.

Suddenly, I was standing in a giant mob of people. It was no longer dark but had the light of early dawn, and it was ten times colder than it had been in the graveyard. I looked around at the people who surrounded me, everyone looked afraid and pale. They all had a bright yellow band around their arms with something on the front of them, but before I could make out what it was, the person moved and was lost in the crowd. Around me, I heard cries for names and shrieks of fear. I began to look around frantically to try to see where I was. That was when I suddenly realized an arm around me. I turned to see a man much taller than I was, and lost my breath. He looked exactly like the boy in the pictures I had seen, and, even more amazing, he looked exactly like the woman from my dream accept much more paler and afraid. His hazel hair glowed in the early morning light, and showed that the color was in fact, hazel. I stared at him, my mouth hanging open. He saw me staring, and grinned at me.

“Don’t worry, Scarlet,” he said hugging me closer, “we’ll be ok.” I found myself slightly comforted by being close to him, and grinned despite my growing fear and curiosity, who was Scarlet? Who was the man anyway?

I looked up at the man, “Where are we?” I asked. Suddenly, my mouth shut tight. The voice that came out of my mouth was not mine, but it was painfully familiar. It was mature, it chimed, and it was the woman’s. The man reached up to stroke my hair and sighed.

“I don’t know, Little One. But it must be pretty far, considering we left around midnight.” I looked into his eyes, and felt my heart stop at the reflection. It wasn’t me staring back with my jet black chest length hair, and bright blue eyes, but the woman’s green and blue flecked eyes staring back filled with shock and the man’s hand resting on breath-taking hazel hair. The man saw my face and hugged me,

“Don’t worry, love,” he said, his voice muffled by my hair, “I won’t let them hurt you.” I felt my eyes fill with tears, and opened my mouth to say something when a different voice cut me off.

“Jack! Jack, oh thank God I found you!”

The man pulled away from me, and rushed off. I felt my heart begin to thud against my chest. Oh no. I was alone. Why did that suddenly bother me so much? I turned around to see the man not too far away, and relaxed. I walked over to him, in serious need of the strange and indescribable comfort I felt around him. As I got closer I saw he was hugging someone else, a woman about the same height as I now was. Jack let the woman go upon seeing me and pointed at me, saying something to the woman. She turned to me and I saw she looked just like him. Another sister? The woman bolted forward and threw her arms around me, tears racing down her face. I felt tears now flowing down my face as well.

“Oh my baby, my little baby.” The woman cooed. Before I could stop it, my mouth opened and I began to sob.

“Mama,” I sobbed, “Mama, you’re here. I thought we’d lost you back at the village.” Where had that come from and why couldn't I stop? The woman who was apparently Scarlet’s mother stepped back and sighed.

“I know, honey. I thought I’d lost you and your brother also. But then I saw the Silverman’s Hazel on your brother and came running. There is no mistaking it.” She smiled and reached up to stroke the man who was apparently Scarlet’s brother Jack’s hair.

Suddenly, a harsh sharp voice broke out in the crowd. “Alright! In a line all of you!” I felt my heart leap into my throat and felt my face go pale. Mama looked from me to Jack grmily and moved to join the line that was quickly forming. Jack put his arm around me again and followed Mama. As the line began to move, a feeling of utter dread began to rise in me for all of Jack’s strange comfort. I didn’t know where I was, why I was here, or what this line was for. But I had a bad feeling it wasn't very good and the closer we got to the front, the more nausea I felt. We eventually got close enough to see what they were doing. They were separating people into two groups. It seemed like most women and children were in one group, and most of the men in the other. I looked at the faces in both groups and all were either close to or in tears, and all were stunned with fear.

All around them were soldiers, their faces serious and menacing, and in the distance was what looked to me like a factory. Tall towers spiked in the sky, a pitch black smoke rising from them.

“What do you suppose that’s for?” I asked looking at Jack, whose expression was blank. He looked down at me and then at the spikes. His nostrils flared slightly.

“I don’t know, Little One. But my feeling is we’ll find out soon enough.” The line moved forward, interrupting my thoughts. As I felt the nausea increase I wrapped my arms around Jack, I buried my face in his shirt and fought back tears. He rubbed my arm and tried to calm me down.

“Don’t worry, we’ll be ok. God is watching over us, He always has.” I nodded, Scarlet had always known and relished that. I felt it.

Suddenly, Jack and I were next in line. Behind Mama. The solider pushed a man into the group with most of the men, and looked straight at Mama.

“Next!” He called angrily. Mama turned to us, gave us each a quick kiss, then turned and stepped up to the solider. “Age.” The solider commanded. Mama held her head up, and answered.

“45”. He pursed his lips and looked Mama up and down. I heard Jack stop breathing, and felt him grip me tighter. The man nodded, and pushed Mama into the group with most of the women and children. She disappeared in half a second and I felt my heart nearly stop dead. She was gone and Jack was next.

“Next!” The man called. Jack turned to me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and stepped up to the man. “Age.” He demanded again. Jack did as Mama and held his head high before answering.

“25”. The solider nodded and pushed him into the group with most of the men. As I watched Jack disappear into the crowd and felt the warmth and comfort he’d given me fade, the nausea grew over a 100 times stronger and I felt like I was going to drop dead.

“Next!” The solider called. Shivers began to wrack my body as I stepped forward. The man looked me up and down. I expected him to ask me my age, but instead he pushed me into the group Mama had been pushed into. I drew a breath of relief. Thank Goodness he didn’t ask me how old I was! Because honestly, I had no idea how old Scarlet really was or if the solider would accept, “I’m sorry but I don’t really know.” The moment of relief stopped abruptly when I realized Jack was in the other group, and our group was beginning to move away. Involuntarily I began to fight my way through the crowd to get out and to get to Jack. I couldn't stop. Suddenly, I burst out of the crowd and yelled with all the might I could muster, tears beginning pouring down my face.

“Jack! Jack please no! Don’t leave us! Don’t leave us like Papa! Please Jack don’t!”

Hiya, Irish :D I'm glad we're in the same group.

Just a head's up, I'm breaking this review into two parts--Technical and Stylistic. Technical stuff includes grammar or spelling errors along, while Stylistic has stuff like pacing and whether or not your descriptions are easy to understand. That being said, let's get started! I'm sorry if I come across as harsh or like I'm ripping apart tiny things about the story--it's not my intention to be mean, but to dig as deeply as I can and go through as much of the story as possible.




Technical

I hugged the blanket around my shoulders closer.

I don't think “closer” belongs at the end of the sentence... my grammar studies are really rusty, but I seem to recall that sentences shouldn't end as such. Try seeing if you can wedge “closer” earlier in the sentence to avoid this :) Personally I think it should come after blanket and before around—it also reads better this way when said aloud.

a young girl running around with a young boy chasing her. Both smiling.

“Both smiling” doesn't have to be its own sentence—in fact, it's a fragment. It can easily be added into the previous sentence by replacing the period after “her” with a comma.

reading from something I couldn’t see, then the young girl standing at the podium herself, also reading from the something I still couldn’t see. Then the pictures got faster and faster. Until I couldn’t see what they were.

“Until I couldn't see...” doesn't have to be its own sentence. It's a fragment again. Take out the period after faster and you'll be good~

I looked around at the people who surrounded me, everyone looked afraid and pale.

The comma here should actually be a period, I think, and you can combine the “everyone looked...” sentence with the following one.

like the woman from my dream accept much more paler and afraid.

Ah, accept isn't the proper word here. It should be except. Here's the definition and examples of its use: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/except

Also, words that follow “more” never end in -er. The -er ending is basically like saying “more.” It implies an addition to the stem of the word.

“Don’t worry, Scarlet,” he said hugging me closer, “we’ll be ok.”

A comma should go after said, a period after closer, and “we'll” should be capitalized. Also, ok is a bit of a tricky word. Usually it's written as okay or O.K. as it originally comes from two words, oll korrect.

despite my growing fear and curiosity, who was Scarlet?

Ditch the comma, put in a period, capitalize the “who.”

I looked up at the man, “Where are we?”

Replace the comma with a period.

I asked. Suddenly, my mouth shut tight.

No comma needed here, as it creates an unnecessary pause.

Mama looked from me to Jack grmily

That should be grimly ^^;

I didn’t know where I was, why I was here, or what this line was for. But I had a bad feeling it wasn't very good and the closer we got to the front, the more nausea I felt. We eventually got close enough to see what they were doing.

There's nothing wrong with these sentences, however I think that “We eventually...” should start off its own paragraph. It introduces the reader to a shift in the action, and so it doesn't really have place in the previous paragraph, where the narrator is trying to figure out what's going on.

“Alright! In a line all of you!”

A comma should go after “line.” So it would read--“In a line, all of you!”

Suddenly, Jack and I were next in line. Behind Mama.

Fragment again~ Try to think of another way to say that “Mama” was ahead of them—heck, you could even say just that. “Mama was ahead of us.”

the nausea grew over a 100 times stronger and I felt like I was going to drop dead.

“100” should be spelled out as the word hundred. I also think you could trim this sentence down a little so it doesn't run on a bit. Play around with where to break up the sentence as it creates an interesting flow and feel.

Because honestly, I had no idea how old Scarlet really was or if the solider would accept, “I’m sorry but I don’t really know.” The moment of relief stopped abruptly when I realized Jack was in the other group,

This is another case of the paragraphs issue--“The moment” should start off its own paragraph instead of being lumped in with a previous one.

tears beginning pouring down my face.

Hmm. “Beginning pouring” is awkward, isn't it? Saying it out loud only made this more obvious for me... I know there's a grammar-technical way to explain this, and I'm afraid I don't know it, but two -ing words directly after each other don't work unless they're being used to describe something—and that's usually if commas space them out (like “shining, shimmering”). A simple “to pour” instead of “pouring” would be suitable.

“Jack! Jack please no!

A comma should go after “Jack.”

Please Jack don’t!”

A comma should go after “Please.” Also there's something about “Jack don't” which puzzles me. Reading it as you've put it seems like there's something else she's going to say. Do you mean “don't” as in she doesn't want him to go away? If so, I think it might help to put a “!” after Jack, and have “don't” be its own exclamation.



Stylistic

It groaned and creaked against the rust it had grown over the years.

Reading this aloud and in my head came off as a little awkward. I think it was the repetition of it and the similarity of groan and grown—I know that sounds weird, but I think replacing grown with a similar word might help this sentence out a little. Maybe try for “the rust it accumulated” or “creaked against the layers of rust”--or any combination of words that would indicate both the gate having collected rust and this happening for a long time.

I stepped into the graveyard and looked solemnly at the graves that lay before me.

Repetition again here—being in a graveyard, it's a given that this person will be looking at graves, right? Maybe instead of graves it could be headstones or markers?

I got to the first row of graves and began to run my fingers over the names, thinking. My fingers ran over a flurry of names.

Annnnd repetition again. Try for a synonym of “ran” or “run" with this one. Sometimes it's wise to use a thesaurus now and then for some words. Some people may abuse it, but I think those who avoid using synonyms also suffer a similar problem—plain, repeated phrases can be used for a stylistic choice but it's kind of tricky to pull off without sounding monotonous or redundant.

I flew backward and landed on my stomach, the wind rushing out of me. The wind began to howl

Hmm, you use wind to refer to the character's breath in the first sentence, and then to refer to the element in the second. I think the second wind can stay but the first would have to be changed—air, breath... whichever you prefer.

and the world began to spin. Suddenly, the entire world was gone and pitch black surrounded me. Then, pictures began to flash before me,

This isn't exactly clear to me. Did the pictures flash in the character's mind? Did they manifest into reality? Also, be careful with how many times you use “me” in these sentences and the paragraph as a whole. It reads more as if we're being told the story instead of us reading and being a part of the story's action.

The same young girl crying as she stood in front of a grave, mostly likely of a loved one. The young girl beaming with pride watching the young boy who'd been chasing her standing at a podium,

It hasn't been too long since you first introduced the young boy, so you don't have to add that he's the one who was chasing her. It's extra information that isn't exactly necessary to the reader :)

I began to look around frantically to try to see where I was.

I think you could safely do away with “to try” and stick with just “to see where I was.” Also, frantically should go between “I” and “began,” yet you can do several combinations of things here. You can go with “I frantically looked around,” “I began to look around frantically,” “My eyes were frantic..” etc.

before I could make out what it was, the person moved and was lost in the crowd.

Who? This confused me a little bit, as you make no direct reference to any particular person in this crowd of people.

The voice that came out of my mouth was not mine, but it was painfully familiar. It was mature, it chimed, and it was the woman’s.

What woman's? If this is something for which you're creating intrigue and intend to explain later, I'm still not sure I'd go about hinting to it in this way. It's... vague. It leaves the reader confused instead of intrigued. You mentioned a woman or a particular person earlier in the text, but there's nothing about this mention that can link the two. Perhaps try to call some attention to this significance? Italicize “the?”

His hazel hair glowed in the early morning light, and showed that the color was in fact, hazel.

Er, I don't think you have to say that it was in fact hazel—it sounds like you're trying to convince the reader that yes, his hair was this color. Trust that your readers are along for the ride—that's why they're reading your story :3

I looked into his eyes, and felt my heart stop at the reflection. It wasn’t me staring back with my jet black chest length hair, and bright blue eyes, but the woman’s green and blue flecked eyes staring back filled with shock and the man’s hand resting on breath-taking hazel hair.

Ah, descriptions... I like the words you chose for the hair and the eye colors but there's a lot of unnecessary additions to their appearance. “Jet black” for instance. It can easily just say “black”--we all get the idea that this character should have black hair. “Chest length” is sort of extraneous, unless it'll come up later on when being described—personally I don't think you need it. You could just say “long, black hair and bright blue eyes” and it would work a little better than what is there now.

Secondly, the “breathtaking hazel hair” part confused me—the boy's hair was hazel, right? If this is something that he and this woman share I think it needs to be made a little more clear.

Also, you used “staring back” twice in the same sentence. Watch out for repeating phrases or words! :)

She turned to me and I saw she looked just like him. Another sister?

Did he have one before, and was she mentioned? If so, I think that needs to be made a little more clear... I didn't pick up on it from the times I've read through this piece.

She smiled and reached up to stroke the man who was apparently Scarlet’s brother Jack’s hair.

Ooh, this is a little awkward. Scarlet, I take it, is the strange person the narrator is seeing and speaking through, yes? In fact, I think you can do away with “Scarlet's brother” and tweak what remains because even without “Scarlet's brother” the sentence still feels really awkward.

I felt my heart leap into my throat and felt my face go pale.

Can you feel a face pale? I know what you're going for here—that the character's face paled—but I don't think using “feel” works too well here. It's not really something a person can feel, unlike when people can feel themselves blushing.

All around them were soldiers,

All around them? This is a little awkward. Isn't the main character talking as if this is happening to her? So why should she say “them,” as if she's watching what's happening instead of experiencing it?

“Don’t worry, we’ll be ok. God is watching over us, He always has.” I nodded, Scarlet had always known and relished that. I felt it.

Is the narrator breaking away from Scarlet's experiences now? This was a little confusing, since again she used to identify with what happened to Scarlet... I'm not sure you even need to say “I felt it.” I think the readers can connect that this is information the narrator is aware of as she's strangely inhabiting Scarlet's memory.

The solider pushed a man into the group with most of the men,

I'm not sure of the significance of this statement—is there a line just for men? A line mostly made up of men? Saying a line “with most of the men” seems to imply that the line has men and women in it, but that there's more men present.


Overall

All in all, I'd have to say this piece has promise. I haven't read the first chapter so if any of my critiques and questions are things that are answered in the first chapter, I apologize! ^^ However I think that you need to pay close attention to the amount of times you repeat certain words or phrases, as well as keeping an eye on the pacing of your work. Some stuff came off as rushed or muddled, like where new paragraphs should be or when we were being “told” the story instead of reading it for ourselves.

One thing I really enjoyed and would love to hear more about is that factory thing, with the weird smoke stacks. That image really stood with me and I was a little disappointed that you never really went on to further describe it. I don't mean you have to explain what it is and what it means right there, but I'd love to get a better idea of the location and the atmosphere that's happening around Scarlet, Jack and their mother. Something like the weather, the location, time period...

Good luck with this piece if you continue it! :D